Will your lips still remember the taste of my love

If I'm no longer there to apply sweet pressure?

Will your mind linger on me

When I can no longer fill your gaze?

To be wanted by you

To be needed by you

I long for it, I strive for it.

I want it more than my next breath

When it comes to you

I will always want...

                             -Excerpt from Jonghyun's lyric notebook

I lean back against the couch, feeling so blissful that I can hardly keep my eyes closed. The house is finally quiet and I know the guys lay passed out around me just like old times, none of us having made it to our guest bedrooms. A gentle wave of nostalgia hits me, but now it’s no longer an ache, just a great memory. Aside from my time spent with Noelle, today with my members was some of the most fun I'd had in years. The amount of time we had spent away from each other, first because of our military service and then from my own self-imposed isolation, had made me miss them even more than I'd realized. I felt more like my old self again, like the JongHyun I wanted to be. And this had been a turning point for my relationship with Noelle; everyone had gotten along great and it felt like I had finally achieved completion. I’d passed out like a teenager getting drunk for the first time after barely any soju at all; most of my high had been pure endorphins. So that’s why, when Noelle gently shook me in an effort to get me off the couch, I opened my eyes immediately fully alert.

“Jjong, c’mon. You can’t sleep here all night; let’s go to bed.”

Giving her a lazy smile, I pulled my body up slowly as if I’m so drunk that I can’t make my limbs work properly. Noelle huffs at me, but grabs my arm and places it around her neck, pulling me up. I help her without being obvious because even though we’re almost the same height, I likely have more than fifty pounds on her much thinner frame. I glance around the darkened room and notice KiBum and Aliah in almost the same state we’re in now. The almost being that KiBum is currently sticking MinHo’s fingers into a cup full of warm water and Aliah is trying to hold back her giggles next to him. The two of them alone are mischievous enough, but together they’re on a whole other level. I shake my head at the thought of what tomorrow morning will bring and I let Noelle half drag-half pull me up the stairs.

I was fully capable of walking on my own now that I was awake, but I wasn't about to let her know that; I was enjoying her arm wrapped around my waist too much. I leaned into Noelle just a tad more, breathing in the lovely scent of her perfume that reminded me of orange blossoms and vanilla. I imagined us briefly walking up steps in our own house, making our way to our own bed; I wanted that so badly it hurt. Noelle pushed open the door to our guest suite with her hip and we made it inside before she dropped me unceremoniously onto the bed.

“Ow!” I yelled out, more from shock than any pain. “Why’d you push me?” Noelle flicked on the light and I blinked quickly to help my eyes adjust to the sudden brightness.

“You’re awake then? Good; if you aren't too drunk then take a shower, you'll thank me tomorrow.” She said with her nose wrinkling in my direction.

Chuckling at her sassiness, I obediently made my way into the room's attached bath and after devesting myself of my frankly reeking garments, vigorously scrubbed at my skin and hair inside the shower stall, hoping the alcohol smell would fall away. I breathed the steamy air into my lungs, needing to center myself. I felt too giddy, too overjoyed and it made me wary, nothing ever stayed so perfect. I decided to make my shower quick as I thought about Noelle getting ready for bed on her own, and I couldn’t help thinking that maybe she would have a last-minute Christmas gift waiting for me when I got out.

I left the bathroom with nothing but a towel wrapped around my waist, my hair still damp from the water. The lights are turned off again but I can still see because of the room’s large window letting in light. Noelle is watching me from her position on the bed, her legs curled up underneath her, the bed covers tossed to the side. Her hair is loose and flowing around her shoulders, and she’s in nothing but a bra and boy- shorts; the fabric of both black and so thin that it may as well not exist. I feel my next breath come a lot quicker at the sight, my cheeks burn and I cant’s stop the smile that comes to my face. I sit down on the edge of the bed and pull Noelle in close to me. I can feel my heart begin to beat faster as I drop light kisses on her lips, her small whimpers spurning me on.

“JongHyun,” she muttered as I kissed her neck, “do you love me?”

I stopped mid-kiss, my mind addled because of how good she smelled, but just clear enough to her the tremble in her voice.

“What do you mean?” I asked her seriously, looking into her eyes. What I saw there had me quaking. I didn’t see eyes full of passion, caught up in the moment like I had been. What I saw on my beloved’s face, was fear.

“I met your friends today, I’m meeting your mom tomorrow, and I don’t even know if you love me or not.”

I heard myself make a harsh sound of surprise, but there was no way I could’ve held it back. Noelle’s eyes met mine, and she looked apologetic.

“I know I should’ve said something sooner, but I guess I was just worried that...that…”

“That I didn't love you?” I said quietly and she nodded at me, letting out a choked laugh, her eyes shining with held-back emotion. That laugh felt like a punch to the gut.

“If you didn't know then that’s my fault Noelle. I'm still not used to this, to us.” I run my hands through my hair, feeling like an idiot. How could I have missed it, the insecurity she felt. I had thought it was all about meeting my friends and family, when the real issue has been me all along.

“I keep expecting to wake up from this dream to find that I'm all alone again. I don’t tell you what you mean to me all the time, but if I'd never known you Noelle, I would've lived life with a modicum of happiness. I would've taken the scraps that the world threw me and made the best of it, content that my loneliness was inevitable because of my lifestyle, because I didn't want to be hurt again. I was lost and alone...I'd never thought that I'd have beauty again.”

Noelle’s eyes bore into mine, the tears that fill them up threatening to fall at any minute. I pull her into my arms and I feel as if I can’t breathe, my own heart hurting because I made her doubt me, doubt herself and what she meant to me. I feel myself choke up and my words end up coming out as whispers, the meaning behind them too big to really express the way I want to.

“But here you are, my chonsa. There are so many other ways to tell you that I love you, too many words that I could use to convey my emotions for you. To just say that I loved you felt too small. But if you want to hear it, if you didn't already know that I need you more than my next breath, then I love you Noelle. More than I ever imagined possible to love another person.”

I feel her start to shake and I push the hair from her face, kissing away the tears that have fallen onto her cheeks. She’s so beautiful even like this, the wetness on her lips shining in the moonlight. Words and melodies come to mind but I brush them aside to stay in the moment, to stay present with her. My heart feels bruised tonight, but I don't want to be anywhere but here, with her, with my family. Noelle meant everything to me and I wanted nothing more than to experience all being with her had to offer, living a lifetime in only a moment.

“From now on, I'll tell you when we wake up curled next to each other. I'll tell you when we have to go our separate ways for the day; I'll tell you on all the special occasions and in all the moments where I want you to feel special. Because I know how it feels to think that you're the only one who's in love and I never want you to feel that way Noelle.” 

Her laugh tickles my ear and another tear slips past her cheek onto mine.

“You’re so cheesy, just kiss me already.” My lover pulled my face over so that our lips touched, the sweet and salty taste of her tears coating my mouth as I tried to show her just how much she meant to me. This…whatever it was that transcended lust or passion and even love, I had no control of it. I was her instrument to do with as she pleased. Trembling, I sank further into the kiss, into the feel of her hands pulling my hair, and tongue playing with mine until I was gasping for air.

Shifting my hold to wrap one hand around the back of her neck, my other hand across her lower back, I gave in to the passion that had always been red-hot embers between us. Hot pants filled the room, low cries that asked for more and sharp moans that said everything that was given was taken in equal measure and more than welcome. And when it was over, I turned to Noelle in the bed and wrapped her in my arms, whispering all the ways that I loved her until she fell asleep.

Are you alright?” I asked Noelle for what had to be the fifth time since our drive into the district my family lived in. She was looking slightly sick, and more uncomfortable than I’d ever seen her, her grip on my hand threatening to cut off my blood circulation permanently.

“I’m totally great!” she squeaked in a high-pitched voice and I felt a smile come to my lips. As we drove along I could only think about how just a few months ago I had been alone. Now I was taking the woman I loved to meet my family. I could’ve never imagined it.

“Noelle,” I called out when she had been quiet for too long.

“Mmhmm, she responded distractedly, her eyes not leaving the car’s window, always looking ahead to what was to come.

“I love you, chonsa.” I gave her hand an extra squeeze and her head snapped around to look at me. I spared her another glance, my eyes leaving the road once again. Her lips were pulled up into a smirk and I felt her mood lighten. I realized then that there was no better feeling than making her smile.

“I love you too.”

“Do you have the gifts, Jjongie?”

“Right here in my hands,” I replied giving them a shake to make sure she couldn’t miss the bright red and green bags.

“And how does my dress look?” Noelle asked nervously, giving a quick twirl. The deep red dress that ended just above her knees was a form-fitting cable-knit design. It hugged all her curves and the black knee-high boots on her feet accentuated her firm calves. Her hair was pulled back from her face in a French braid, the style adding even more class to the way she looked.

“You look perfect,” I declared and she smiled at me, coming closer to stand with me on the porch of the house.

“Not as good as you! White is such a good color on you,” she muttered, running her hands over my sweater and black jacket combo. Noelle pressed close for a kiss and I was ready to meet her head on when the door swung open behind us.

“Hyun!” My older sister yelled, grabbing me up into a playfully rough hug. As we’d gotten older and I’d gotten taller HyeMi had stayed the same height, her personality just as bubbly as ever. She hugged me enthusiastically, still more like a little sister to me than someone three years my senior. She wore a horrible Santa dress that made me long to , but before I could get the words past my lips, she pulled me inside.

“Eomma, Hyunnie is here!” she screamed loud enough for the neighbors to hear, and I turned apologetically to Noelle who looked on the verge of laughing.

“JongHyun!” My mother said as she came down the stairs, her arms reaching up for my hug. I gave it to her warmly, holding on to her tightly as she patted my head. I had missed her and I felt something settle in me that had been out of place since I’d left Korea. I wouldn’t stay gone for so long again.

“Is that her?”, my Eomma asked me in Korean as she tried to peek at Noelle from over the top of my shoulder. As small as she was, even standing on her tip-toes wasn’t enough to let her see a thing. I simply responded with a smile and a nod of my head. My sister was bouncing in excitement and I stepped aside, bringing Noelle to me, our hands held tight in each other’s grasp.

“Mom, Noona… this is Noelle.”

I watched as my girlfriend bowed to my mother a full ninety degrees, my sister earning a half-bow. Her hands were held tightly against her stomach in nerves, but still politely clasped. I felt a new rush of excitement hit my bloodstream as I watched my mother and sister bowing back, their smiles warm for the girl I loved.

A little later we were still seated around the table, my mother having prepared a feast for us. We ate slowly and we talked a lot, my mom and sister keeping the questions coming, delighted by the amount of Korean Noelle knew. I was surprised as well, I’d never known how fluent she was and I felt a new burst of pride.

“How about your parents, Noelle-yah? What do they do?”

“Eomma,” I hissed, shocked that she’d managed to forget one of the biggest topics that I had warned her about not mentioning.

“Jjong don’t worry. I can talk about them just fine. I’m just glad I’m even getting to answer questions; before I never had the opportunity to do anything. But my Korean is nowhere good enough to explain. Will you translate it for me?”

I nod and repeat what she says for my mom in Korean. I watch as my kind mother’s face falls, and my sister’s constant smile wavers. By the time I’m done, mom looks regretful, but Noelle is calm and collected. Once again, hearing how much she’s overcome on her own makes me wish I had been with her then to help her go through it. Her hand rests on the table top and when I take it in mine she sends me a look, feeling embarrassed. But I raise that hand to my lips and press a kiss there, feeling like the luckiest man in the world that she’s mine to treasure from now on.

“Noelle-yah, I have some recipes in the kitchen of Jjongie's favorite meals. Would you like a few to take back with you?” My mom asks, watching our display with a wide smile on her face.

“Of course!” she chirps, her grin threatening to split her face in half. I watch as they both leave the table and HyeMi punches me lightly in the shoulder, her eyes dancing.

“You did well, my dongsaeng,” she tells me. “I’m happy for you.”

“I’m happy for me too!” I tell her with a laugh, feeling invincible. Nothing can stop us now and I can’t help but imagine one day soon telling Noelle about all that I am and who I want her to be to me.

A/N: Well here it is finally! I know you guys were waiting patiently for this update, and you have to know how much I honestly appreciate the fact that months go by but y'all are still eager for more of my stories. I feel terribly lucky to have such dedicated readers and I hope you guys enjoy! Reading your comments are like crack to me, I need them to keep going and during the days when I feel stuck, I re-read them to keep myself positive. This chapter was inspired by Maxwell's Lover's Only, and If I Never Knew You: the Shanice and John Secada version from the Pocahontas soundtrack. You guys please listen to that song, its so beautiful and it was so much a part of this chapter. Anyways I hope you guys like it and get ready for more to come, the fluff never lasts! Please do SUBSCRIBE, COMMENT, and UPVOTE so you guys get notified! And as always, Much Love <3