“My baby grew into a remarkably handsome man, didn't he?” Mrs. Kim whispers conspiratorially as we make our way into the kitchen, leaving the other two in the dining room. I nodded my head vigorously in agreement and she smiles at me while I look down at her. Mrs. Kim is a small woman, even tinier than I had expected and I can’t help but feel that she’s the reason Jjong has turned out so cute; they have a lot of the same facial expressions and her grin is the spitting image of her son’s. No matter what though, it seemed as if JongHyun had come by his current height seemingly through a miracle; his mother was only about 5"3 and that was being gracious.

“Jjongie always had this unconscious charisma; it was always a direct reflection of his depth, he's a very sensitive soul as I’m sure you know by now,” she continued. “Women in particular seem to sense that there's more to him than he's willing to show. While he was growing up, he became an irresistible challenge to some, but no one could win him. As deep as they could go, they couldn’t seem to touch his deepest feelings; as much as they could take, he always had more to give. He learned quickly how far to go with each of them, but to him the relationships were always superficial and unsatisfactory; he used to ask me what love was supposed to feel like,” Mrs. Kim shook her head in remembrance and I felt that the woman had held onto a sadness from that time in JongHyun’s life, as if she had despaired over what would become of her child.

“But he's not like that with you Noelle; I see the way he looks at you and it's something special. I had worried my youngest would always keep girls at a distance, but he's opened himself up to you honestly. For that I'm grateful; it's settled my heart to know that he has someone to love and be loved by,” she patted my hand gently and I put my other hand on top of hers, clasping it tightly.

“I’m grateful too, Eomonim. I didn’t expect to have what JongHyun has given me. Everyone has embraced me, and I feel so thankful that I can have a family again.”

“You poor thing, of course you do! You’ll have to make sure to come by often, so I can fatten you and Jjongie up; you’re both too skinny!” she admonished while she riffled through a drawer filled with recipes. She began handing me a few, telling me all of JongHyun’s favorites, and once again told me to come back to her house as often as I wanted.

“Ne Eomonim,” I agree easily, smiling once more even though by now my cheeks are hurting from the strain. But I can’t care that much because I’m finall feeling a mother’s warmth again, something that I had long forgotten. As if the gift of being with him never stopped, I’d again been given something precious from Jjong; with his love as my anchor, I could feel myself truly beginning to open up again.

We left Jjong’s mother’s place in good spirits, laden with leftovers, presents and well wishes from both his sister and his mom. With a promise to visit me in New York to go shopping, HyeMi and I had parted on excellent terms, and I was eagerly anticipating her trip because Katy hated shopping with a passion; it would be nice to have some girly time. I waited while JongHyun loaded all of our stuff into the car and hovered by him, full to bursting with happiness.

“I can’t tell you how glad I am that your mother liked me. I was pretty nervous in the beginning,” I said with a chuckle, still remembering how my stomach had felt hollow as we’d been introduced. My boyfriend grabbed me into his arms and leaned me up against the car as his hands encircled my waist.  

“Noelle, even if she hadn't, it would’ve been impossible to leave you; you hold too much of me. You’re more than just my inspiration, you’re the woman I’ve chosen to be with. There was no way I would back off without a fight, I hope you know that,” he told me sincerely, and the weight of his words warmed me even as we stood in the cold. I’d finally received what I always wanted and as I leaned forward to kiss his full lips, I reckoned that this was the happiest Christmas I’d ever had.

“Didn’t I tell you not to talk to me?” MinHo says to Key sharply in irritation, his voice pitched low in a hiss that I still manage to hear clearly despite him wanting to be quiet.

“C’mon, it was funny,” KiBum protests, his eyes sparkling with laughter despite his pleading tone. “We’ve done worse to each other over the years, don’t be so sensitive,” he chided his friend.  

“When you’re almost 30 and you pee your pants in your sleep, then you’ll know how I feel,” the taller boy says while pushing his friend’s arm off his shoulders.

“Boys don’t fight, we’re supposed to be saying goodbye.” Aliah’s stern voice makes the two men snap to attention but even still MinHo’s eyes are throwing daggers at Key. I laugh at the culmination of last night’s prank and the smile Aliah gives me is one that says MinHo doesn’t know that she played a hand in his downfall. The airport terminal is especially busy, the place filled to the brim with people coming and going. The noise is loud and mixed together with the intermittent sounds of planes taking off and with music on top of all that, the chaos is complete.

JongHyun is busy hugging TaeMin goodbye and he whispers something in the younger man’s ear that causes the boy to smile shyly and blush. When Jjong turns my way, I raise an eyebrow in his direction, but he shrugs off my interest with a smirk.

“Noelle, I’m going to miss you!” Aliah cries as she grabs me into a bone-crushing hug, “It was so nice having another girl to talk to,” she pouts, and I feel myself grow warm.

“Definitely come for a visit,” I tell her with a smile, my heart having melted and gone all gooey at her words. Seriously who could resist someone so adorable? I felt glad that I had easily made so many friends, potentially people who I could grow to honestly care about and who would care about me in turn. This trip was ending on the opposite end of the spectrum from when it had begun; wasn’t that just like anything I did with Jjong I mused, everything was always better than my expectations.

We had prolonged our parting for as long as we could, but after I’d managed to hug all the boys and Aliah goodbye, there was little to do but actually get ready to board our plane. All the guys were dressed similarly in dark colors, some of them wearing hats, others wearing masks. I had initially believed it to be because of the weather, but they hadn’t taken them off since we’d entered into the well-heated airport. TaeMin looked way too sad and in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere, I pulled off his knit cap as we neared the entrance, laughing as I waved it above my head. Everyone around me gasped but I assumed it was because it was funny; when I heard a young girl’s high-pitched scream, I knew it was much more than that.

“OPPA, TaeMin oppa!” The shrill scream rang out through the large space and it echoed off the walls, making people turn to look our way. One young lady came running up to us, holding out her camera. TaeMin quickly snapped a photo with her and tried to shoo her away, but soon one by one, others came up as well. Several noticed the other boys who hadn’t moved fast enough and before I could understand what was happening, we were all being surrounded.

I stepped out the way still somewhat confused, but soon there was ten and then twenty and suddenly it seemed like hundreds of people were running up to us, yelling and pushing to get ever closer to the boys.

“Noelle…Noelle grab my hand!”  JongHyun spoke loudly but his voice was drowned out by cries and shrieks that had started to accompany the growing mass of people as they saw the guys. I tried my best to get back to him, but the crush of the crowd pushed me back until I was too far to even see him clearly. People of all shapes and sizes pushed me forwards and backwards in turns, the press of bodies threatening to swallow me up. There was no time to think of how to get back to Jjong, my only though was of preservation and how I could get away from the crush. Catching sight of an opening, I made my escape and broke free of the throng. Breathing heavily, I watched as people congregated around my boyfriend, and when I made a move to help him, I realized that the disorderly group had begun to form a line. Abruptly there was no more random shoving or yelling; instead there were people waiting eagerly to take photos and get pieces of paper signed by JongHyun as he cajoled them to behave.

My first thought was astonishment; my next was a sudden and intense understanding. They were his fans and I had been in the way. But I’d never seen so many people crowd around a composer, half of the time no one even knew who composed the songs they loved so much. Even though we were in Korea, surely the contrast to the American music scene couldn’t be so large. And what the fans were yelling out hadn’t been Kim JongHyun, it had been “shiny” of all things; surely they weren’t referring to his good looks.

Somehow I had been flanked by airport security whom had sent two guards to make sure I was able to get through the thickest parts of the mob of people and I watched wearily as the crowd thinned out somewhat. This time I noticed that bodyguards were not only around JongHyun, but around the other guys as well and they didn’t seem like they were from regular security. All of the boys were more uncovered now, and their faces could be seen clearly. They had all managed to get caught up in the mess and they were just as busy with fans as JongHyun. Realization dawned too slowly, but I had gotten there; “shiny” was a thing or was something that they were all a part of. Even Aliah had attracted some people’s attention as well as she stood by Kibum and I felt my astonishment rise as they asked for photos and autographs from her too.

So, then all along JongHyun had lied to my face about what he did for a living and just thinking about it made me burn on the inside. How stupid must I have looked to take everything he’d said at face value. He was always so upfront and honest; I had never questioned him and would’ve never dreamed he would tell me untruths about anything. How could I be in love with someone who I didn’t even really know? Those sweet words he’d told me all felt bitter now, the loveliness of them all gone and replaced with anger. How could he do this to me? I turned my back on the scene in front of me, my stomach queasy at the sight of it all. The flight back to New York was approximately 13 hours, and I would spend it learning all I needed to know about the real Kim JongHyun.

I was already making my way out of JFK airport, our flight having touched down in New York a bare ten minutes ago. But I had grabbed my carry-on alone out of baggage claim and had admittedly been trying to power-walk my way out of the place. I didn’t want a public confrontation, but somehow JongHyun managed to sneak up on me with his face full of worry and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge in my heart. Traveling in first class surrounded by bodyguards must have been uncomfortable.

“Noelle, I’m sorry that happened! I was so worried about you and then security said you were already on the plane, but they wouldn’t let me see you,” he explained.

“So SHINee’s been around for more than 10 years huh? No wonder you all are so close,” I said cutting him off, not wanting to hear his concern.

“You looked me up?” he asked me quietly and I felt myself about to explode.

“What else was I supposed to do. It's not like you told me the truth!” I replied acidly, giving his shoulder a push in frustration, irritated that he was walking beside me so easily, as if the chaos of earlier hadn’t happened.

“I didn't want to lie to you Noelle, believe me I never wanted to do that. But my lifestyle isn't for everyone. Not every person can handle it and I wanted to protect you.” His reasonable tone made me get even more annoyed and I pushed back the greater part of my frustration, not wanting to lose it on him completely.

“Well, I'm glad you thought of my feelings,” I bit out angrily. “Next time how about you ask me first before you decide how I'm supposed to feel?”

I moved to walk away but Jjong caught my arm, and even in anger my disloyal heartbeat picked up at his touch. For once I wished I could shake off the feelings he evoked in me. We started moving out of sight of the moss pit that was the entrance into JFK and I didn’t resist, now wanting to get it all out.

“You saw what happened back there at the airport. If I had told you from the beginning who I was, do you think you would've given me the time of day? You barely even wanted to meet my family and friends!” He muttered gruffly, his own tone finally showing some exasperation.

“I explained what happened to me in the past JongHyun, so don't try and pretend like the situations are the same,” I spit out. 

“But they are; if you couldn't handle just a few people's judgement, how could you handle SHINee’s hundreds of thousands of fans?”

“You were so concerned about me not getting hurt that you lied to me. Whatever the reason, there should've been no secrets between us. How can I say that I know you when I never knew who you really were?!” JongHyun finally stopped pulling me along and we were alone in a corridor of the airport, the bustling sounds  now dimmed to a low murmur.

“This doesn't have to change anything between us Noelle. I'm the man who loves you regardless of my fame,” he reasoned and I shook my head slowly.

“That's what you say, but how do I know that? There's a part of you that you never let me see, that you kept from me on purpose! How many lies would you tell to keep me happy? To keep me from knowing the truth?”

“You don't understand!” Jjong says dropping my hand, his voice full of anger and pitched louder than he’s ever spoken to me. If I hadn’t been so angry, I would’ve been shocked.

“When I was with my group, I've always told my fans what I was and what I should stay to them. I'm a singer and my purpose is to entertain them, maybe even to make them fall for me, because it's my job to try and be irresistible. But that's not what I really want Noelle,” He tries to hold me with his stare, his eyes begging me to understand. I don’t want to see though, not ready to dispense with my feelings so easily and I look away on purpose. But he ignores my response to his pleading and continues.

“I want them to feel my music, to feel the emotions that it can evoke, but I don't want them to love me. That would be too much; no, it is too much. What the fans think of me, it's not love. It's infatuation, it's lust, maybe it’s just simple admiration. But in the worst cases it becomes obsession. They want to own me, to possess me and they even go so far as to stalk me.”

“I never understood how they could do it, what made them fall in love with just some random person they saw on TV. But Noelle, when I met you, I think I finally understood. The pull that I feel, the way I want to be around you, it seems so natural and yet so foreign that it's scary. Maybe I'm wrong but I've fallen for you harder than I ever thought possible. I don't want anyone else, and that scares me to death. I thought I had love before and it ended so badly. I didn't know if I could do that with you, tell you everything when my feelings are so much stronger and deeper than they ever were in the past.” I scoffed at his words and took a step away, but he reached for me again, and placed his hand on my cheek. It took all I had not to lean into it, not to feel what he induced in me.

“You think giving you up is what I want? More than anything I want you with me. But this has happened before, and I know it all too well. First come the ugly comments, then the angry people who leave the fandom, and finally it escalates until someone's telling you to go kill yourself. And maybe you stay strong through it all, and maybe I'm selfish enough to keep you despite the danger it puts you in. But what if one of them hurts you, what could I do then? I couldn't bear that Noelle, I couldn't live with myself if you got hurt because of me.”

He was so sure he was right, his tone made me believe that he thought every word he spoke was the truth; the only problem was that it was his truth and I couldn’t just switch off the feelings of hurt that had grown inside me. I put my hand over his own and gently removed it, dropping his fingers once his hand was back at his side.

“You don't get it, you were trying to make all these decisions by yourself without even consulting me. You didn’t know what I wanted, you don't even try to ask. You think you know how I'll react and want to anticipate my every move before I can make it. But that's not how this works. We acknowledged that we loved each other and that was supposed to be the hardest part. The next step was to make decisions together. If being with you in this relationship wasn't difficult then as far as I’m concerned wouldn't be true love. I was willing to fight for us Jjong. But you took me out of the game before I even knew we were playing. You didn’t trust me…and now I don’t trust you.”

JongHyun in a breath but I didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I my heel and walked as fast and as far away as I could, hearing him call out for me even as I stubbornly faced forward. It wasn’t until I was safely in a cab and on my way home that I realized my cheeks were wet with tears.

A/N: Hello, my loyal readers! I know that I had pretty much sworn off finishing this story, but the healing of my own heart and the demand of you guys made me want to complete this. I think that we as fans all experienced a great shock when Jjongie passed. Someone whom we thought to meet, to see live in concert, A person whose music we had planned to listen to for as long as we lived was now gone. It’s not surprising that we were broken-hearted, it’s understandable that we all dealt with our loss in different ways. Many of us lamented the fact that we hadn’t been there to save Jonghyun from himself, to be there to help him through the pain that an overwhelming amount of us have suffered and lived through ourselves. I couldn’t be there for him, so I will damn well make sure I finish his story, the one I wished he could’ve experienced in real life. I hope you guys finish this journey with me. Much Love, Andrea <3