The room had narrowed in on itself until all I could see was JongHyun’s face and now that he had trapped me in his gaze, I couldn’t look away. Every time I’d looked at Jjong in the past, I had noticed his beauty and his innate grace. But now as I searched JongHyun’s face, what I saw there was pure sincerity. The set of his eyebrows had drawn close together and his lips were pressed into a firm line that showed no hint of his usual smirk. His eyes were widened slightly and the pain and hope in their depths hurt me to see. This was Jjong, at long last laid bare for only my eyes. For the first time, I felt as if he'd truly told me everything and held nothing of himself back. But now that I knew his feelings and his past, what would I do with his honesty?

For the last two days, I had been going back and forth between intense regret and complete confidence in the choice that I’d made to send JongHyun away. I had told myself at least twenty times per hour that I was right, that if I couldn't find a man who'd take all I had to give and give it back to me a hundredfold, then I was better off alone. At some point I had actually started to believe it, but with that realization I had also figured out that I felt broken inside. Thoughts of JongHyun had swirled around in my consciousness, making it impossible to settle myself to anything.

I had come home from work exhausted from having to do the same task two or three times just to get it right, and had even been yelled at by a doctor when I’d accidentally spilled their patient’s urine sample. Thinking that I could ignore my emotions, I had changed into comfy clothes and sat on my couch, petting Louie while trying to drown myself in my favorite book. But it wasn’t enough, I needed a release and I couldn’t find it at home. I had been preparing myself to go out, determined to go to my usual bar with the hope that jazz would lift me like nothing else had. But opening my door and seeing JongHyun standing there had crushed my resolve to so much dust.

I had been knocked off balance when I’d seen him, mainly because a part of me was fully expecting to never see him again. I knew I had hurt him and seeing him smile at me, asking me to let him in had broken my heart. Making things worse had been his gut-wrenching confession, the quickly sketched out details of his past that was hurried and rushed through but only because it seemed as if a part of him was still hurting. I couldn’t tell him to leave, could barely even make myself speak past my own tears. And wasn’t that the way I had always been with Jjong? His pain drew me to him like nothing else, and despite my own hurts I wanted to soothe him. But I wasn’t sure that I could. He stole all reason away from me, made me think that as long as he was with me everything was alright, that I was safe. And even now Jjong's touch was sending fire racing through my body, his large hands engulfing my much smaller ones. But I had to think past the hormones; if I gave him a second chance then what would happen to my heart? Sincerity in the moment was wonderful but could I trust him to stay by me no matter what?

My throat was dry from crying and I looked down at our entwined hands, unable to look JongHyun in the eye. My will would fall to pieces in his intense stare and I wouldn’t be able to escape. I gave a small cough to choke back the remaining tears, and spoke quietly but firmly.

“JongHyun, I care about you more than I thought it was possible to care about a person. But despite that I won't let myself be hurt again. There are no infinite chances with me; I want you serious or not at all.” I heard nothing then but the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears, my pulse speeding up because of nervousness. What would he say, what would he do? And would I take him back regardless of it all?

Softly, to the point that I almost didn’t realize it, JongHyun’s hand left one of mine and reached up to my face. He cupped my cheek in his large palm and I unconsciously leaned into his touch, feeling overwhelmed by the need that had built up within me. Just when I had begun to require his touch just as much as I needed my next breath?

“Noelle, I don’t think there are enough ways that I can apologize to you. I overlooked your happiness to make myself comfortable, but now I realize that my happiness lies in yours. I don’t want to make any grand promises. All I want to do right now is hug you and tell you how much you mean to me. I’m sorry that I hurt you chonsa.”

His short speech over, I finally looked up at Jjong, feeling unsteady. But he did this to me, made me unsure and forced me to question my behavior. And this time too, I thought once, then twice, then three times, and eventually decided that regardless of how scary all of this was, I had to take a chance. He meant too much to me, made me feel too much, to ever let him go. I closed my eyes and reached forward, throwing my arms around his shoulders inelegantly as I raised myself from the sofa, trying to bring my lips close to his. Unfortunately, it seemed as though we’d both had the same thought and our heads bumped royally against each other’s, the stinging pain of it making me gasp a little. JongHyun held me still in his arms when I would’ve pulled away in embarrassment, the heat of it creeping through my cheeks.

“Ow! Sorry,” I whispered, rubbing the red spot on his forehead with my fingers.

“It’s alright,” he chuckled lightly in my ear, “Let’s try that again.” Jjong captured my mouth with his this time, and my clumsy attempt was long forgotten. Our gasps mingled together while our noses and tongues touched, and Jjong whispered my name like it would be his last breath. In that moment my whole world froze; it was just me and JongHyun trapped together and nothing else could enter our space.

He kissed me hard and voraciously, stealing my pants and whimpers, making my head spin. I couldn’t help but shiver as he pushed his tongue between my lips and the inside of my mouth. He tasted me with long, provocative that made my s harden and my swell and throb in time to the s of his tongue. His hands dug themselves into my hair and held on tight to the strands, pushing my head even closer to his. When I on his tongue, he growled deep in his throat and grabbed at my hips, pulling me off the couch and onto his lap. We sat there on the floor together, unable to break our embrace. The painful ache that I’d held inside me for the past two days eased into something sweet and euphoric.

I wasn’t myself when JongHyun’s lips left mine to trace across my neck, his teeth making small bites that he soothed with wet kisses. The whines that left my mouth seemed surreal; surely that wasn’t me telling him to harder on my neck or grabbing his hair in my hands to push him ever closer to me. I was in a blissful daze and I didn’t feel the hard floor beneath my back, didn’t feel the soft scratch of the carpet against my arms. All I felt was the delicious weight on Jjong on top of me, and the way his hands made their way under my shirt to caress the soft skin his fingers met there.

“Take off your clothes,” I mumbled to him but I didn't wait for his actions. Instead I raised up from underneath him and switched our positions, bringing my hands under his shirt and raising the fabric up and over his head. I caught my lower lip between my teeth as I looked at the man taking up so much space on my floor, his lightly tanned body standing out in stark relief next to my white carpeting.

JongHyun in clothes was y as hell, but a JongHyun without them made me want to pass out. The cut lines of his chest and arms spoke of long hours in the weight room, and I had never seen a back like his. The sharp lines of his hips tapered into narrow edges that led down into his pants. He was practically hairless, and I reached out to trail my fingers over the smooth skin that covered his abdomen. His breath caught as I touched him, his stomach flinching away from my greedy fingers. So strong, I marveled as his flesh quivered beneath my exploring hands. So beautiful, I thought in wonder as I watched him move and stretch, pushing his bangs out of his face. I looked into his eyes as I moved my hands even lower and it seemed as if we were connected, unable to look away.

His trademark ripped jeans ed easily and slowly I pulled them down and off, taking care not to be too rough. JongHyun was more like me than I had realized, and I knew what he needed because inside me I felt the same way. The loneliness and the pain that ate away at my psyche daily was a cross he bore as well and it weighed us down. A release was needed, a kind of solace that music couldn't give us. Because even though we had tried to fill our hearts with it, music alone wasn't enough to fill the gaps still present. I determined that I would be gentle and tender with JongHyun despite wanting to rip his clothes from his body. I would be his resting place and he would be mine.

We were in a trance, only the small sounds of our breath keeping us locked away, isolated from the world and alone together. Without a word, we shed the rest of our clothes, our eyes not leaving each other’s because looking away would end everything. And finally, we were both bare and the two of us lay side by side on the floor. My name was the only thing he said before he reached for me, the soft whisper he released one of intense longing that I felt deep in the pit of my stomach. Gasps left my mouth as he covered me with kisses, stealing my breath just as easily as he gave it back to me the next minute. The only thing in my entire universe was the feel of his lips on me, the edge of his teeth on my s. It felt like I had died and was now being subjected to the sweetest torture; I groaned when he touched me and whimpered when he pulled away. I reveled in his touch, craved it like nothing I’d ever desired before.

Before I was aware of what had happened, I was on the bottom again and Jjong’s arms were braced on either side of me, his face, his smile looking too beautiful. The feel of his lower body against mine, his legs around me and the slight slide of his skin against my own was ecstasy. The first hard breach of JongHyun’s flesh delving into mine had me teetering on the brink, my clenching. Pressure rose within me and sparks shot up into my belly without warning in almost painful pleasure. The second, deeper had me into his mouth when he bent over to kiss me, the thick feel of him stretching my inner flesh made my body burn with need. The third buried him fully inside me, and when he undulated his pelvis against my own at the same time, the fullness combined with pressure made pleasure burst inside me.

I felt like my heart was going to break out of my chest and JongHyun was breathing hard too. His eyes were closed and he whispered in Korean but I couldn’t make my brain translate the words, I was too far gone. And when his fingers moved down to cup my while he pumped himself inside me harder, my mind seemed to break. With skilled fingers, he eased small earthquakes from my body and when he was finished he put his damp fingertips into his mouth, groaning thickly as he tasted my . The pure ism of the gesture made my stomach quiver.

As a powerful bore down on me, I began shaking, tears streaming down my face. This was beyond . Beyond pleasure. Beyond anything I had ever experienced or imagined. With no other choice available to me, I surrendered to lust, to passion, to JongHyun. I had one moment to think, ‘So this is what it’s supposed to be like,’ before I stop thinking altogether. Moments later, JongHyun and I explode together, shouting each other’s names as I come harder than I ever had in my life.

Like the best moment you've ever had, we stayed stuck there, time moving so slowly and yet too quickly as he ran his hands soothingly over my body. His large palms were hot over my cooler skin, the gentle caresses expressing the sweet craving that I had for him, his touches helping me to be free, vulnerable and utterly true to myself. But my need was inescapable; I couldn’t get enough of him. I was tired and sore but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to sleep, I wanted the ache that only he could give me. We had come together so naturally, so wonderfully that I knew no other lover, no other love would match this. It terrified me but still I snuggled closer, drawn to JongHyun and needing him to the depths of my soul. And when he took me again I made no sounds of protest, only cried out for more.

When I discovered that I could open my eyes again, the dim lighting in my bedroom had turned it all a pretty yellow color, my twinkle lights nearly dazzling me after looking directly into the tiny bulbs. I wasn't sure how we’d made it to the bed, but I was grateful to have the soft mattress underneath me. Blinking away the bright spots of white from my vision, I looked down to see JongHyun’s head resting on my shoulder. Unable to contain the urge, I found myself the bright white strands of his hair through my fingers as he slept, my eyes memorizing every facet of his face. As if I had found a precious gem, I coveted JongHyun in my heart, secretly wanting him all to myself.

And in return I wanted to be just as jealously guarded, wanted him to say that I was his everything. The hurt and lonely child inside of me wanted someone to want me, to need me so badly that they wouldn't leave me alone as I'd been left alone my whole life. I wanted desperately to tell Jjong how I felt, to tell him that I loved him. But I knew it was too soon, we had only just declared our feelings. And more than the newness of "us" fear kept my mouth shut tight and my heart hidden from the one man who wholly owned it.

When I wake up, JongHyun is gone and the bed sheets are cold where his body lay. Looking around the room, I still see his shirt on the floor and breathe a sigh of relief. He’s still here and my apartment is small enough that there only two places he could be. I go to the bathroom first but he isn’t there so I use it and brush my teeth, taking my time to wander into the living room/kitchen. He’s sitting at the breakfast bar writing some notes on music sheets when I see him and he puts down his pen as I come into the room. He looks up at me with a smile and my heart beat thumps again when I see how innocent he looks so early in the morning, his hair ruffled to death but still incredibly y.  

“You’re up already?” I whisper to him. “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Nothing like that. I just don’t sleep very much,” he admitted. “I have something like insomnia most of the time.”

“Oh, so what have you been doing all night?” Internally, I roll my eyes at myself for asking such a ridiculous question. Now it sounds like I think he’s weird or something, but I totally understand the need to avoid sleep. Sometimes the dreams that wait for us aren’t restful, in fact they can be worse than reality.

“Just fooling around. I was just thinking about some chord progressions for a song,” he shrugged at me. “It kind of came to me early this morning; I just had to get it out, you know?” I honestly didn’t since I wasn’t exactly creative, but I nodded like I did.

“Ok. Well, um, did you want some breakfast or something? I’ve got some bacon and eggs, pancakes maybe?”

“Do you have rice?” He asked expectantly and I bit my lip in worry.

“Uh, rice? White rice? I don’t know, let me look,” I said quickly, flustered by his request.

“Hey wait Noelle, I was just joking,” he laughed and grabbed my hand to bring me back to his seat on the stool. “I’m not really hungry. At least not for rice.” He raises his head to mine for a kiss that is all sweetness and light, but makes me feel hungry for something more too. Voicing the desire seemed to give it more power, and words simply meant to draw me in made me fall hard. He had called me his muse yesterday, what had I inspired in him?

“Was that line lyrics from a song?” I asked softly when I broke our kiss, his gaze making it impossible for me to move or even look elsewhere. “Because if it was, it’s really cheesy.”

JongHyun’s loud laugh went through my body like a shot, electrifying all my nerve endings. He rubbed his face into my shoulder and for the first time in my life I felt complete. All the bad things that I’d been through, all the pain that I’d felt, it all seemed worth it to just have this single moment. Feeling the impossibility of it all like a weight on my chest, I said a quick prayer that it would always be this way between us.

*Wipes brow* Well you guys welcome back! So I know I said I was gonna be on time but let's be honest, you guys all know your girl is a procrastinator. I try so hard but I almost like not doing what I'm supposed to lol. Songs that inspired this chapter are definitely JongHyun's Suit Up and probably Aoora's Monlight Bloom (which if you don't know who it is get on him now!) and B1A4's Love is Magic. I was just all in my feels writing this so I hope you guys enjoyed! As per usual please COMMENT, SUBSCRIBE and UPVOTE for more content. Much love guys <3