Eyes blurry, hands heavy

Feel my body heat, the scent of my breath;

Listen to the sound of my beating heart.

Make note of the pleasure, of the way your lips feel on mine.

It’s indescribable, unobtainable

But for this one moment when everything in the universe

Is perfect beyond measure.

That’s when I’ve come to you,

Ready and willing to give you everything.

                                                            -Excerpt from JongHyun’s lyric notebook

The large bay windows in the nursery reflected the outside weather perfectly, and I watched as yet another yellow-red leaf fell to the ground. Fall had once again come to New York in full force, the biting cold tempered by the sun for a few more weeks at least. The afternoon was coming to an end but I hadn’t been tempted to leave the house. I turned from the window and instead peered into the all-white crib that held the tiny person who’d kept me captivated, the light mint green room holding something all too precious and much more interesting than the outside world.

“Staring at him like will wake him up, you’re gonna burn a hole right through his chubby cheeks,” my wife’s whispered voice floated over to me from the doorway minutes later and I looked away from our newborn son to laugh quietly.

“I know but I’m so scared he’ll stop breathing or something. He’s just so little and vulnerable.”

I bit my lip as I placed my hand on his small head gently, the whole of it just big enough to fit inside my palm. His smooth black hair lay against his forehead, the golden skin that covered his body rich and vibrant against the green onesie he wore. His almond eyes were scrunched up tight as he slept, his tiny hand curled into fists around the light blue baby blanket that JinKi hyung has gifted us the day he was born.

“DoHyun is a heavy sleeper already. After speaking to Aliah, it looks like we got pretty lucky; she said Kiki didn’t sleep the whole night through til she was almost a year.” Noelle chuckled as she stared at our son with happy eyes. “He looks just like his daddy,” she remarked as she laid her head on my shoulder.

“Let’s just hope he doesn’t get my height too,” I responded only half joking.

“Don’t worry about it, you’re just the perfect fit for me,” Noelle admonished and I felt warmth and pride fill me up at her words. I couldn’t help feeling grateful yet again for the wonderful miracle she’d given me and I pulled my wife into my arms for a kiss.

To this day my chest still ached when I think of that day just a month ago and how hard Noelle had struggled to bring our baby into the world. I had panicked but she’d remained strong until I’d snapped back, knowing she needed me to be there for her. It had been the happiest day of my life, seeing our son for the first time, the experience second only to our wedding day. That recollection was also sacred to me and imprinted in my mind, the whole of it a clear to me as if it was yesterday. I took the remembrance out on rainy days, hearing again the oaths we took and pledged to each other; how it felt to dance together under the stars, our first dance as husband and wife.

“You’ve got ink on your fingers,” Noelle pointed out to me when I had let her breathe again, her thin fingers brushing against mine.

“I was fooling around with the crystal pen you bought me. Very pretty but very messy.” I admitted. “I’m still a bit clumsy with it.”

“Show me?” She asked and I took her hand in mine.

We walked out of the nursery quietly, Noelle taking the monitor with us and switching it on as we allowed DoHyun to continues his nap in peace. I’d left the pen and the notebook I’d been writing in open on my desk and Noelle picked it up leisurely to inspect my work. Belatedly I realized that it wasn’t my poetry notebook she held but the one I used for lyrics. Cursing quietly under my breath, I could do nothing but wait and watch while she read.

“You’ve been writing again,” Noelle softly said, her voice not questioning but stating a fact as she put down the journal, looking at me with wide eyes. I answered anyways.

“I’ve been having so many ideas for Shinee. And for me,” I tacked on nervously. I avoided her gaze for only a moment but when I looked up, Noelle’s smile was bright as she looked at me, her eyes scrunched up in excited pleasure.

“Can I hear one?” She asked excitedly and I couldn’t bring up any words to deny her. I was always cautious showing my songs that were incomplete. It was like baring my soul each time, as if the unfinished product was as unpolished as I felt inside. I strove for perfection and I wasn’t sure I was there yet but during the play of the track, I watched my wife’s face turn from surprise to happiness and back again. There was no bunching of eyebrows or any concern, just a pleased look that I couldn’t quite place.

“This is it Jjongie, this sounded like you,” she told me breathlessly as the song ended and I felt myself release the tension I’d unconsciously held. I wasn’t aware of why I’d been unsure, almost afraid. But Noelle knew me, knew my soul better than everyone and accepted all the bruises and battered bits as if they were hers to treasure. And I just as passionately guarded over hers.

“This is so awesome JongHyun! But why didn’t you tell me?” Noelle asked, her surprise and confusion genuine.

I ran a hand through my hair, the blonde white strands no longer in sight so my scalp could take a rest from bleach. Instead it was a deep brown that Noelle loved on me, the honey highlights catching in the light. I fidgeted while she waited for me to gather my thoughts and it wasn’t time that I took lightly. I knew deep down she wouldn’t be satisfied with my answer.

We were still living in the townhouse I’d rented in New York but I had bought the place soon after our marriage; Noelle had wanted to continue nursing and I was more than happy to oblige, I just wanted to be where she was. This did mean long plane trips back to South Korea when Shinee had comebacks or SM couldn’t do without my presence but until DoHyun got older, I wasn’t willing to take him overseas. That meant that if we were going to have another album release, I would be gone for weeks at a time. I didn’t quite know how to bring it up but now Noelle was advising me to do it. Could I be that selfish?

“It can wait a few more months chonsa; Hyun-ah is still way too young and having him full time is alone is gonna be tough. You don’t have any help and I’ll be halfway across the world.” Noelle shot me a sharp look, but I had expected as much.

“So I’ll hire a stay at home nanny and after I go back to the hospital when my maternity leave ends, I can cut back on my hours. We stayed in America for two years and you didn’t say a word. I want to support you too Jjongie. You can tell me when you want things too.” Her voice was low, almost pleading and I felt a tug at my heart. I still kept too much to myself and I knew that I’d have to change or hurt the woman I loved.

“Besides the fan girl in me can’t wait for another JongHyun solo promotion and then maybe a concert tour!” Noelle giggled and walked over to me, her hands at the bottom of my sweater out of habit, she always used what I wore as leverage to lift herself up for kisses. I was tempted to bring her into my embrace but she wasn’t finished.

“I want you to be all that you ever wanted Jjong. It doesn’t matter if it puts us into the spotlight or I have to readjust some things. You’re just as important as I am in this relationship and I want you to be happy just like you want me to be. There’s so much of you that no one knows and while I feel blessed to have that part of you, your music is how you speak. I want other people to hear, I want the world to know what you can do.”

And that was it; my wife had intrinsically understood the meaning of my whole artistic journey. Before I had ever become an idol or even a trainee, I had found something that I loved, that made me burn with the desire to create poetry and music. The only thing I had ever wanted to do was share it with the world, to expand my existence by being a part of other’s lives. I desperately wanted to be heard, known and understood. And Noelle had surely done that for me.

“When did you get to be so perfect?” I mumbled to her, my heart swelling with a euphoric sweetness.

“We were each other’s rock, the missing base we needed to keep steady. I was only ever perfect for you JongHyun, just like you were perfect for me.”

“Noelle, my chonsa, saranghae,” I whispered as I kissed the tumbling curls on her head, breathing in her familiar scent that still intoxicated me.

“I love you too JongHyun, forever and always. Whatever you decide, we’ll do it together.”

With Noelle by my side, I knew there was nothing I couldn’t accomplish. Truly she had been the strong base I’d always needed, the love that I had been too afraid to search for. Neither of us would go through life alone any longer. Bending my head to press my lips to her warm ones, she met me in the middle, the woman who had always inspired me and dared me to be more.

The End

A/N: With every story that I complete, I always feel that I could've done more, or expressed more. And honestly with this story, I feel that same regret has doubled. In part I believe this has to do with the fact that JongHyun's story was so incomplete, so unfinished when there was no limit to what he could have accomplished. He touched so many lives, he touched me with his lyrics and poetry, made me see a soul that deeply reflected my own. And I know that he was such a sensitive being, one that was maybe too pure and good for this world. My beliefs are my own, but I fervently hope that that bright soul lives again, that it has the chance to become all that it should have been in this life. And with that being said I must end this journey here guys. I am deeply grateful to all of you who loved JongHyun, who loved this story, and encouraged me to keep going. Writing this hurt and healed me in equal parts; I hope it did the same for you. As always much love <3, Andrea.