A/N: there aren't enough aual characters in this world and out of all the twice members, it seems like tzuyu makes the most sense.

it truly pained me to make mina the bad guy.

i know there are grammar issues galore so if it bothers anyone to the point of you needing to proofread it, hit me up.

hit me up regardless. it was nice to finally write something again.

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she sat on the bed cross legged, staring at the wall while silent tears rolled down her face and the echo of a slammed door rang in her ears.

she didn’t know how it became so bad

no, that was a lie. she knew it was her fault and yet she simultaneously hoped it really really wasn’t. how they’d gotten to this point seemed like a blur of events. quiet resentment that blended into loud arguments which then bled into tears and heavy conversations neither of them thought they’d ever have.

she was a freak, broken, and didn’t know how to fix it, if she even could fix it. it seemed so easy the first few years of their relationship, she loved nothing more than to see mina happy. made mina happy. so it was only natural that they would have it. but it never felt right, like a dress that was far too tight or like pants that cut into your waist.

she didn’t understand why it felt like that.

tzuyu always thought mina was endlessly attractive. she thought she was gorgeous when mina wore her favorite sweatshirt complete with holes, hair up with little wisps sticking out, glasses perched on her nose and swearing when she died in her video games. she thought she was gorgeous when they dressed up for date night, her hair sleek and dark, wearing that maroon dress which hugged her in all the right places, and her favorite -me heels

except she didn’t. want to , that is. that’s how it had always been for her. there was no fantasizing about , no desire for roaming hands, no wanting to be touched like that. instead what tzuyu desired were soft make-out sessions that didn’t go any further, sleeping together, like actually sleeping with legs tangled and stealing the covers in the middle of the night, waking mina up with soft kisses. she desired simply spending time together whether it was watching a new tv show, reading while mina was engaged in her favorite game, going on dates, anywhere. it never mattered where when she got to hold mina’s hand in hers and have her lean in to whisper her observations.

simply put, she didn’t want . she desired everything else about her relationship but that. this presented a huge issue because for her elegant appearance and demure manner, mina had an incredibly high drive.

it was easier in the beginning to keep up with it. after all, mina’s happiness was the most important thing, right? but as their relationship progressed, she found it harder and harder to keep up the pretense that she actually wanted to have as much as mina did. she began dreading the nights where mina would pin her with this very specific look on her face, a look that screamed “i desperately want you to me but i refuse to say it and expect you to just know” (which only served to irritate tzuyu further because what was she, a mind reader?)

what made it worse is when tzuyu attempted to feign obliviousness or claim she was too tired, sometimes mina accepted it but more often than not, it ended with complaints about how tzuyu refused to open up emotionally. she then would subsequently find a way to put all the blame on herself because mina felt like she caused this or that something was wrong with her. no matter how many times tzuyu tried to explain otherwise, it was like it went in through one ear and out the other. she could tell mina never believed her. it grated on mina but it seemed she never stopped to consider the toll it was taking on tzuyu as well. the frustration that accompanied not being able to give mina what she desired, the frustration of listening to other people and hearing about everything she was supposed to be feeling.

(the first time she tried to talk to jihyo about it, all she got was “don’t worry. it’ll pass. it’s just a phase” like because she was the youngest she couldn’t possibly know anything about the world or herself.)

but she knew and she hated the answer she got. 

aual.

tzuyu saw the word in one of those LGBT articles chaeyoung always sent her, her form of acceptance. she had no idea what the word meant and when she went to look it up, read the definition, it was like something finally clicked. she lost track of how long she stared at that page, the wheels in her head spinning at this new development.

she thought mina would be happy they finally had a word, an explanation for what was happening but it was the exact opposite. mina protested, how could she be aual if they’d been having this whole time. she was too focused on that to listen to tzuyu meekly explain that there were so many different kinds of aual people and that she didn’t fall into the typical category, what most people think of when they hear aual; someone who is repulsed. she wasn’t repulsed, she just didn’t want it like other people did.

despite the new information, nothing really changed. mina still rolled over, that expectant look on her face and as much as tzuyu tried to quell the dread she felt, she attempted to ‘engage emotionally’ while wanting nothing more than for it to be over and done with.

it became more and more difficult as time went and as the level of difficulty increased, so did the resentment which in turn led to what seemed like daily fights, going in circles over and over again as mina refused to listen or think anything over.

(don’t get tzuyu started on what happened when she suggested they see someone to try and work through it. mina didn’t talk to her for nearly a week, citing her disdain of the idea that they should talk to a stranger about their life.)

so where tzuyu was right now had become the norm. she would give in to try and appease mina and it usually ended with her crying because tzuyu wasn’t emotionally invested (which was true but she wasn’t about to hurt mina like that by telling her so)

all she wanted was mina’s happiness and tried so hard to give her that at the cost of her own. it ended in tears with mina leaving and tzuyu left wondering how she ed this up so badly. and then, like clock work, mina would come back and there were quiet words exchanged,  vows to do better, and be more understanding.

(in the back of their heads, they both knew those promises would be broken in a few days.)

tzuyu couldn’t take it anymore, this running in circles, constantly miserable and hating herself. it felt like she was watching herself from above as she filled a duffel bag with some clothes and personal items, texted jeongyeon asking if she could crash at her place, and washed her face. she grabbed her bag and took a deep breath, stopping at the door, wondering what exactly would happen once she left.

then she reminded herself that mina left first.