In Henry’s meager opinion, what the most next to starvation, was having a masochistic one sided love. The heart stirred in this constant state of hope for a flash of the other person’s affection despite knowing it will never get anywhere. The heart bleeds but it never learns. He has been in this chronic state of illness for the past two months, since the fateful day they had the conversation about Zhoumi (the reason for his illness) getting a girlfriend.

Many things have happened since then. Majorly, Henry realized he was one of the unfortunate to fall into the trap of never ending cycle of a one sided love (to zhoumi of all the people he knew, god help him!) and next, just like every dramatic happenings, after all these years, Zhoumi finally managed to get his ideal girl friend in his first date it self. No thanks to Sungmin (That pumpkin ought to stay away from things that are not his business!).

It was a bitter sweet pain to fall for your best friend. He was the same Zhoumi Henry knew since he was eight years old but yet different. Every little things and conversations took a new meaning. But it was too late now. Like a bad melodrama, his best friend was in love with another.

It would have been easier to deny, but the musician in him knew feelings can never be manipulated. Love was love and there was nothing he could do about it. He had to it up, pretend to smile and support Zhoumi all the way. That’s what a good best friend would do anyways. And whomever said it was easy ought to be shot with an AK47.

Zhoumi grinned widely as his girlfriend snapped pictures of him using her hand phone. He knew her for only two months but it felt like they have known each other longer. They clicked of immediately right after their first date and he could proudly say she was the one. She became one of the most important people in his life. Both their parents approved of each other and things were looking good. Ironically, only Henry, his best friend has not seen her yet. In person that is. He always had one thing or another whenever he brought Hana over. There never seemed to be the right time. If he didn’t know better, he would have thought Henry was avoiding them. But not today. No matter what, Henry was going to meet them today.

“Henry, Hana is coming over to the house later for dinner.” Zhoumi deliberately brought the subject out. Henry was busy watching some game show on his flat screen TV.

“Really? She has become really close to the family lately. Good for you.” He never moved his eyes away from the TV. Zhoumi was tempted to turn off the damned TV.

“Yeah. She wants to see you and I told her you will definitely be here, this time.”

“You should have told me earlier. I am meeting my classmates later to discuss our final year project.” Why was it so important for her to meet him anyway? By meeting him, what did that woman hope to accomplish? Didn’t she already have Zhoumi wrapped around her pinky finger? He rather hated the unknown her than meeting her in person and coming to like her. It would be even more unbearable, the pain of letting Zhoumi go.

“It’s always this and that! Why can’t you spare some time for her? What do you have against her? You have never met her even once! Is it too much to ask? Why are you behaving this way? You are important to me and is it wrong if I want the two people important in my life to get along with each other well?” Zhoumi exploded, seriously, this has got to stop.

Henry finally looked over at Zhoumi. Best friends supported each other, he reminded him self. It was not Zhoumi’s fault for making Henry fall for him.

“I’ll tell them I had something come up. I’ll come again later.” Henry blindly grabbed his sweater before leaving the room.

‘Where are you going?” He heard Zhoumi’s voice carried out from the room.

“Out for a while.” Henry shouted as he raced to the front door before anybody caught him crying and ran smack into Ryeowook whom was just going to ring the bell.

“Yah, Henry! What’s wrong with you?” He asked, astonished with Henry’s red face. Henry could only shake his head and ran. Ryeowook chased after him.

‘Wait! Don’t run!” Ryeowook panted. Henry ran way faster than him.

“What? Why are you following me?” Henry turned and stopped. He didn’t even have the freedom to cry in peace now. Ryeowook caught up after him.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, still gasping for breath.

“Nothing. Just some emo moment. I’ll be back. You go ahead to Zhoumi’s place.” Henry hoped Ryeowook wouldn’t ask for explanation. What was he supposed to say then?

“Did you and Zhoumi fight?” Ryeowook persisted.

“No. I told you already, its nothing.” Henry started to walk away.

“Is falling in love with Zhoumi is still considered nothing?” Ryeowook fired back.

Henry stopped dead in his tracks.

“That stopped you.” Ryeowook stated dryly. Henry’s shocked face was almost comical to look at.

“Who said anything about that?” Henry stuttered, his eyes close to popping out. Was it that obvious?

“Don’t worry. Nobody else knows.” Ryeowook linked his arm with Henry’s and continued walking.

“Then how did you…?”

“I am quite sensitive remember? Your face the other day in the restaurant gave out. It must be difficult for you.” Ryeowook’s neutral tone made Henry take a grip on his emotions better. They walked around the building in silence for few minutes. Henry didn’t know where to begin.

“I never expected myself to fall in love you know..With Zhoumi especially..I see him almost everyday and…It doesn’t change a thing..He is still a guy who would have wanted a woman.” Henry told Ryeowook dejectedly. Sharing it with someone definitely helped take off the compressing emotions.

Ryeowook couldn’t say anything to that. He just listened, knowing it is never enough but that’s the most he could do now. Love was already complicated, but it was even more so here with Zhoumi being Henry’s best friend and a guy to the boot.

Later during dinner, Henry sat beside Ryeowook at the dining table. His usual place was next to Zhoumi but Hana was here now. Zhoumi never asked him to change his place but Henry figured it was better for him to do the changes by him self.

Zhoumi looked over at Henry and frowned. Why did he have to change his place? Hana was not the type to mull over this kind of things. She understood Henry had a special place in his heart. He couldn’t understand what came over Henry these days. He was too subdued compared to his usual hyperactive self. Was something bothering him which he couldn’t even share it with him? They always shared their problems and it hurt now to know Henry was already creating barriers. There was a big distance between them which kept getting wider and it frustrated him to know that he can’t do anything about it.

Hana must have felt some of his agitation as she placed a hand on his arm and rubbed soothingly. Henry saw the gesture and felt deeply paralyzed. He munched the food mechanically without tasting any of it. Hana was everything he feared. She was a good woman. She complimented Zhoumi with her elegance and poise, and worse, she was likeable.

“Henry-ah, eat more. You have lost so much of weight in these past months.” Zhoumi’s mother urged Henry. He smiled but couldn’t bring him self to lift a finger. He was tired of pretending like he was alright with everything.

“Are you love sick, Henry?” Zhoumi’s mother zoomed in. Henry immediately looked over at her. Please god, not her too. He was in love with her son!

“I thought so!” She exclaimed excitedly. “It explains your recent behavior. All moody and mopping around.” She playfully glared at Henry. Zhoumi slowly placed his chop stick. Henry loved some one?

“Who is this girl? Tell aunty all about her.” Zhoumi’s mother didn’t let go of the topic.

“Just someone I know. It didn’t work.” Henry told, his tongue heavy.

“Poor boy... You will surely get a better girl, like our Zhoumi did.” She smiled over at Hana. Henry only nodded. Like Hana, what kind of joke is this?

Through out the remainder of the dinner, Zhoumi kept glancing at Henry. Why did he feel betrayed? How could Henry hid this big thing from him? Who was this person he loved anyway? He had so many things he wanted to ask Henry but he had no choice but to wait until dinner was over.

After what seemed like eons, Zhoumi managed to catch Henry alone. Ryeowook was sending Hana back home. His parents were resting upstairs.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Zhoumi asked without preamble. They volunteered to clean up after the meal.

“Tell you what?” Henry side stepped him to place the Tupper wares in the refrigerator.

“That you had someone you loved. I was under the assumption that as your best friend, you would share something like that with me.”

“It didn’t work out so I didn’t see the point in telling.” Henry closed the refrigerator’s door and wanted to quickly get things done. He was not ready to have an emotional face-off with Zhoumi.

Zhoumi just stared at Henry’s back quietly, trying to calm down his temper. The space was getting bigger even as they speak. He didn’t feel like he knew this Henry. He was too closed up.

“You have changed.” Henry’s fist clenched hearing those words from Zhoumi, but he remained silent.

“Are you not going to say something in your defense?” Zhoumi stood so close to Henry that Henry felt his breath. Why did it feel as if their relationship was in a precarious place?

“I have changed.” Henry simply admitted, starring down.

“I don’t get what’s going on Henry. Why must we fight? I don’t understand any of this. I miss my best friend.” Zhoumi didn’t realize he was holding Henry’s arms until Henry himself gently shook Zhoumi’s hands off.

“I…” Henry began.

I realized a little too late that I am in love with you. I am a coward because I am scared to hear your kind words of rejection once I confess. I know things can never be the same for us and it is all my fault. I seemed to have misplaced my brains somewhere.

‘Yes, you?” Zhoumi patiently waited for Henry to find the words he was searching for. He wanted to ease whatever it is that was bothering Henry.

“I am tired of this. Of everything.”  Henry pushed away the real words he wanted to scream out loud.

“T-tired?” Zhoumi was once again pulled into a confusing maze.

“Yeah..Always depending on you. Feeling as if I’m nothing if you are not there with me. I want to break free.” No! No! No!

“Break free??” Zhoumi caught him self parroting Henry’s words. He was certainly not making any sense.

‘I want to live on my own and work through things by my self. I don’t want to be under your protection any longer or to continuously depend on you.” Every minute I see you, I want more of you. But the worse thing is, I know it can never be so.

“My protection? I never thought it that way! What are you crapping about? Henry, look at me. I said look at me. I never saw you as an obligation or anything. To me, you are my best friend, and will always be so. So snap out of this kind of thinking.” Zhoumi shook Henry a bit, wanting him to stop thinking such screwed up thoughts.

“I don’t want to be your best friend!!! I don’t! Don’t you get it??” Henry burst. Damn! He was not supposed to say these things.

“What? Why? What did I do? Did I do something wrong?” Henry’s words were hurting him. The pain was slowly easing into his heart. Was this the end of their friendship? For something he couldn’t even comprehend?

“Nothing! You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me! Leave me alone from now on wards. I’m going back home first.” Henry knew he was behaving irrationally but he needed to survive. Loving Zhoumi and playing the role of the supportive enduring best friend was not the way. He needed to escape from this love prison. It suffocated him.

“You can’t expect me to just leave you after saying things like that. I want to know why! If you want to end our friendship, fine but man up and let me know the real reason.” Zhoumi gripped Henry’s arm tightly, he was going to get an explanation out of this.

“Because I hate myself when I am with you! I’m a weak person. Enough? Do you want to hear some more?” Henry spat. All lies, don’t believe me.

“I never thought you felt that way.” To hear this words out of nowhere from Henry was like poisonous darts well aimed to the heart. Zhoumi stood feeling er punched by his own best friend.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize you felt that way any sooner, Henry. I guess I was too blind or just plain idiotic.” Zhoumi smiled bitterly and stepped away. If this was the end of their 14 years of friendship, so be it. Henry didn’t want him, how was he supposed to fight over that?

“I’m sorry. I wish I felt differently.” Henry knew his words were lame. Zhoumi’s face was pale and strained. Why did he do this? What came over him earlier? Survive, yes, he wanted to protect his heart from breaking more. But whatever it is, it was too late for regrets.

The next chapter will probably concentrate more on Zhoumi! I think so...(I never know the way my mind decides to work on my next chapter! He he he...) Comments will be a good way to help me speed up my writing! LOL!