I remember a certain poem we had to learn in class during freshman year. The teacher had told us to ‘pick apart the short work, search for a meaning that you can personally relate to’. I had read the poem so many times, I can still recite it to this day;

Lonely is just one word chosen to represent so much

To tell of feelings inside that the senses cannot touch

Lonely can be in the teardrops on a bereaved person’s cheek

Lonely can be in the silence of sorrows too deep to speak

Lonely can haunt a deserted room that laughter once made proud

Lonely surrounds you when you’re alone or finds you in a crowd

Lonely is heard in echoed footsteps of a departing friend

Lonely penetrates the solitude of nights that will not end

Lonely will not listen to the pleadings of a broken heart

Lonely stays and torments until new love shatters it apart

By, Mary Havran

Back in my earlier teen years, I skimmed over the deeper meaning and wrote how the author felt lonely; and everyone feels that once in awhile. Simple as that.

But now, as I’ve grown, I have come to realize what was truly written out.

In fact, I’m pretty sure I am living part of it.

●●

We all make our way out of the cafeteria and towards the gym in an obnoxiously loud group; Jun is picking on Vernon about his hair- he'd recently dyed it back to black and we all love the natural look on him, but Jun just can't let go of the Leonardo diCaprio look and in front of me Seungcheol and DK are talking about some new video game. Behind me is Soonyoung and Jihoon who are lost in their own little world, talking in low tones and lastly, Joshua who's walking right beside me. The lean boy is not saying a single word, but I can feel that something is bothering him. Every few steps, he turns his head to look at me subtly, which is kind of starting to get annoying, even for him.

“So” Joshua finally speaks “do you have any plans for tonight? Do you maybe want to come over and watch some movies with DK and I?” His tone is the same chirpy one he often uses, but towards the end I notice the waver, the shakiness. Before I can answer he adds in quickly “I'm already waiting for DK after school, you know because of his detention, you could just come along with us since you have detention as well?” I know he was trying to make it seem as more of a statement, but it comes out more of as a question.

I stuff my cold hands inside my uniformed chinos and continue walking forward.

“Oh, uh no that's okay, I'm actually not feeling too well today.” I start out slowly. “Plus, my parents are away and you know how they are with the house, not wanting it left empty and… stuff” I try to make up a quick lie, something I’ve been doing a lot as of lately, but it's only half a lie if we are being honest! My parents really do hate the house being unoccupied, they're scared of someone coming in and robbing the place. Honestly, I don't see why they're so afraid, we have a top notch security system and we live in an uptight neighborhood. What more do you need?

Out of the corner of my eye, I watch as Joshua nods his head slowly, and with the smile that always seems to reside on his face, he begins to look straight ahead and starts to bite his lower lip, smile now fading.

Oh , what if he caught on to my semi-lie?! An angry Joshua is the worst kind of Joshua.

He eventually lets out a weak sigh and continues walking forward, a little faster, until he’s beside DK.

Yep. He’s pissed? Sad? Disappointed?

Continuing to walk beside myself and I’m suddenly struck with a heavily reality. I notice the striking force of loneliness that I’ve been feeling lately. Previous events began to run rapidly in my head like blurred paintings moving back and forth. Last night during dinner, after Jun and I’s skype call, at lunch today and now, walking by myself.

“-wait you know that guy to?” DK’s booming voice pulls me out of my swirling thoughts.

I look around to find everyone crowded a few yards in front of me,-they must’ve been too distracted with their own conversations to noticed my spaced out state- talking to someone, I can’t quite see past every one.

“Of course I do, he’s in Jeonghan’s and I’s group for one of our classes.” Seungcheol says as if he’s offended that DK didn’t know this information. What the hell are they fighting about now? I think while rolling my eyes.

We are standing right outside the gym’s double doors and I want nothing more than to get inside and stay inside, because honestly the wind is beginning to pick back up and the air is starting to have a certain bite to it.

“Oh yeah, you’re in our Psychology class right? You sit in front of me.” Joshua says casually. I stay standing behind all of them and bring my arms up around me, moving them back and forth, trying to gather some sort of warmth.

“Yeah, DK, we all know him…” Jihoon adds.

“Well, Wonwoo and I here are friends!” DK obnoxiously mocks. “We’re bathroom buddies!”

Wonwoo?

I hesitantly push aside Joshua and Sooyoung, leaving them looking at me bewildered. “Wonwoo…?” I say a bit confused.  He looks towards me a little surprised and beside him is Jeonghan and some short freshmen. The older is standing half way in front of the kid and Wonwoo, as if he’s protecting the both of them from everyone around us.

“Look guys, I get you’re all BFFLs with Wonwoo here,” Jeonghan says cooly, while gesturing his thumb over his shoulder towards Wonwoo, whose eyes are still locked with mine. “But Chan and I’s next class is about to start and we’re just trying to show him to the coach’s office.”

“I’ll take him.” I blurt out with barely any time to think and everyone turns to look at me. I break eye contact with Wonwoo to see seven pairs of confused eyes and scrunched up eyebrows.

“Wait, you weren't messing around yesterday when you said you knew him?” DK breaks the awkward silence. “I thought you were just joking about the literature paper. Huh…” Everyone then turns to look at Wonwoo expectedly. His eyes avert downwards and I follow towards their destination; his red- from the chilled weather- and trembling hands that are currently folded tightly in front of him.

Why is he so nervous? No one is being hostile or aggressive. I just want to understand why he’s so tense and seclusive.

“Oh, then since we all know each other,” Jun begins lightly. “Why don’t you hang out with us? Unless you have another group of friends, then that’s fine I guess. You just seem chill to hang out with.” he quickly adds.

I walk forward, not caring what the others think anymore- too concerned over Wonwoo’s current state- and cautiously grab his clenched hands, pulling one gently apart from the other. “Come on.” I take the speechless and shaking Wonwoo into the warm building, but before letting the doors close completely behind me, I turn my head and look back at my confused friends, along with Chan and Jeonghan. I mouth out ‘Don’t follow’ while shaking my head back and forth. Without waiting for their reply I turn my head back towards Wonwoo. I hear Seungcheol beginning to say something, but I’m not listening as the doors shut behind the both of us.

I listen to the male’s shakey footsteps, shuffling quietly beside me, and after turning down a few halls I steal a glance at him, hand still quivering inside my own.

I need him to calm down.

“Hey, I know you’re nervous right now,-” I start out softly, stating the obvious, but it seems like the older can hardly register what I’m saying anyways. “-just relax, none of them are around, it’s just us.” I say soothingly while looking at him. Wonwoo is currently staring down towards the tiled floor, sweeping his eyes cautiously around the new surroundings and I wonder why I feel the need to envelop him into a suffocating hug.

I opt out of my hormonal idea and settle with rubbing my thumb up and down the back of our clasped hands. He then takes a few deep breaths and I notice the trembles becoming less and less noticeable which each inhale.

Good.

The trembles and noticeable shakiness is not completely gone, but he lets go of my hand, much to my dismay, and looks up at me with a light smile. “Thank you.” Wonwoo’s deep voice fills the empty hall and I’m reminded of this morning.

A smile takes over my warm face. “Any time, so, uh, you needed the coaches office right?” I ask while bringing my hand up to my neck, where red warmth is beginning to spread. God, I know he’s cute, but I need to calm down. My heart is racing.

“Yeah, I have to talk to him about, uhm, s-something.” He swiftly moves his gaze away; I don’t think much of it.

“Okay, well his office is this way.” I point my finger down the corridor and begin moving my feet towards the desired direction.

“We’re friends, right?” Wonwoo’s sudden question cuts me off.

I turn back around, wide eyed and a little taken aback.

I try to suppress the splitting smile that is attempting to appear, I’m ecstatic if you couldn’t tell. This is such a huge step for us. I want to know what goes on inside his head, I want to know what makes Wonwoo, Wonwoo; what makes him tic.

“Of course.” I say, a little too eager.

A dopey and quite adorable, might I add, smile blooms across Wonwoo’s striking features and I see pure happiness take form in front of me. My chest begins to tighten into a knot of fondness and my breath becomes shallow puffs.

I’m in deep for this guy.

“Okay, I uh-” He let’s out a deep and breathless chuckle. “was just making sure you know? Sometimes people can get mixed signals and begin to assume things-”

I get a sudden idea. This can go one of two ways; good or bad.

“Hey,” I stop his mindless rambling.

“Yeah?”

“If you need anything I want you to text or call me, okay?” I say while pulling out my phone and handing him the shiny and new device. He takes it gently with both of his hands and turns the phone around, tracing his eyes carefully over the unlocked screen and begins placing his contact info.

Yes! Mission success! I mentally have a- fangirl sized- heart attack and try to reduce my inner squealing to a minimum.

“Here” He brings the phone back towards me and reaches into his satchel. “Um, I-I don’t have many contacts in here, so.” I take the outdated cell in my hands gratefully and begin to add in my contact information without a second thought. Once I press save, the phone brings me back to the contact list and his previous sentence begins to sink in.

All fluttering happiness evades and my heart about drops to the floor.

The screen reads:

Dad (xxx)-xxx-xxxx

Grandma (xxx)-xxx-xxxx

Home (xxx)-xxx-xxxx

Mingyu (xxx)-xxx-xxxx

All in alphabetical order and all void of any real ‘friends’ other than myself.

My once softened and light facial features turn into a sorrowful form and I pray to any god out there that Wonwoo can’t see my face. It’s just too hard to keep myself from feeling this way.

I may be dense sometimes, but I’m definitely not stupid. All context clues render inside my head, going off like sirens.

It's in that moment, in the gym’s empty and fluorescent lit hallways, on a crisp fall day, that everything hits me. That’s when I realize Wonwoo is just like me.

He’s lonely.

Not the same lonely as me, but a more serious kind. Wonwoo is all alone. He has no one to concede in, no one to discuss relatable topics, to just talk about a current book he’s been reading, or simply ask questions about today's homework. No one to spend time with in the sense of just hanging out. No one to text at three A.M. when things get too heavy and trust me I know they do. Nope. No one other the the two people listed above me, but I’m not even sure of the relationship between them.

I now see Wonwoo in a different light. A different color of some sorts. I don’t pity him per se, but I do somewhat understand.

And I want to be the one who helps him make the first step out of this twisted hole. And maybe, just maybe, he can reach out to me as I’m planning on doing with him.

●●

My mind is racing at full speed while I do laps around the gym, legs moving with full force. Seungcheol has asked me to stop and take a break everytime I pass by where he and the rest of my group of friends are sat on the bleachers, messing with their phones. Minus Vernon.

Wonwoo has been inside the coaches office since I dropped him off earlier and that was about twentyfive minutes ago; what could they possibly be talking about?

“Mingyu, seriously!”

Speaking of Seungcheol.

“Sit down! You look like you’re about pass out! Plus, we need to talk!” Seungcheol’s authoritative voice is tired and pleading.

I make one more lap. Fine. I feel some sweat drip down onto my parted lips and I begin to slow down my speed and start to walk towards the occupied bleachers. Placing my hands on top of my warm head, I attempt to even my breathing back out into a normal rhythm. I avoid the other students playing basketball and another group who’s messing around with a hacky sack.

“What do we need to talk about?” I ask in between breaths, while sitting down on the cool bleachers. Seungcheol rubs his hands in between his knees nervously and lets out a deep breath. I notice that the conversation Joshua, DK, and Jun were having, just mere seconds ago, has now gone silent. One glance behind me and I notice not only did the three of them stop talking, but Jihoon and Soonyoung have also decided to give me their full attention.

Strange.

“What’s been going on man?” The oldest of us finally questions.

I continue to stare at my hands, not really understanding the question, but also not wanting to know what he meant either.

“You know you can tell us, right?” Seungcheol tries to push further.

Oh. That’s what he meant.

“It’s nothing…” I mumble out the cliche comment. The atmosphere becomes heavy in a matter of seconds.

“That’s bull.” Jihoon snarls out. I know he’s just naturally aggressive, so I don’t take the response too much to heart. “We’ve all noticed how you’ve changed.”

He’s right though, I’ve even noticed it myself. I just didn’t think that others would notice as well.

“Jihoon.” Soonyoung says in a warning tone, letting his boyfriend know that he needs to calm down.

“What he means is that-” Joshua looks up for the first time since I’ve sat down. I just hope he’s not still mad at me for obviously lying to him earlier. His eyes search our little group and land back on me and with a long sigh, he speaks. “We think you might be depressed…”

I freeze.

Depressed? What’s the literal definition again? Ah, in a state of general unhappiness or despondency.

Before I have a chance to think of anything to respond with, Jun cuts in.

“And we want to help.” He adds quickly. “To talk about it, or see if we can just do something. None of us have a problem with doing any of that.”

The group nods their heads earnestly in agreement.

“I-” They’re not wrong, I need to talk about this. Hell, I’m not even sure when it all started. “Yeah.” I finally look up. My hands are strangely shaking and I begin to feel nervous. “I’ve, uhm. B-been kind of uh-” Words begin to fall out of my mouth at lightning speed, not really sure what I need to explain, but just something to fill the empty and heavy silence.

“Hey, slow down. It’s okay, we have a while before the bell rings anyways.” I feel Seungcheol’s hand rest gently on my shoulder. “Do you want to take this conversation somewhere more quiet?” He questions lightly.

I give a shallow nod, without looking anywhere in particular and just like that, everyone around me stands and makes their way towards the dressing room doors. Someone makes a comment about going to get Vernon, but they end up leaving the lovestruck boy in the gym.

“I’ve been feeling lonely? I guess…” everyone stays silent, so I continue. “Like, I’ll be around all of you, everyone laughing and messing around, but it feels like some sort of wall is separating me from everything, and I just can’t enjoy anything anymore.” I notice Joshua has looked away with a guilty expression and DK is now wringing his hands nervously. Suddenly I feel Seungcheol’s hand on my knee giving a light squeeze and that alone gives me enough courage to finish. Letting my mind go blank, I begin to just let everything out.

“Uhm, it’s hard for me to go places, like when one of you offer me to go anywhere it’s not because I have something else I need to do, it’s because I just don’t feel like going. Eating, I guess, anything, has been getting harder… I’m just not hungry anymore.” I feel my throat tighten up and the harsh pain inside my neck suddenly becomes too much. The stinging that’s beginning to form in my eyes is becoming too troublesome. The locker room itself has become too quiet, aside from the constat thuds of a far off game of basketball in the gym outside the door and murmurs of the students talking.

“Mingyu…” DK tries to grab my attention, but my world of realisation just came crashing down and has hit me square on the head.

“I- feel like a burden.” I barely whisper out while keeping my head low.

“No no no, you’re not a burden, I promise.” Jun is the first to protest, but he just doesn’t understand how I really feel. I can sit here all day and stay late into the night talking, but that doesn’t mean any of the six guys in front of me will ever truly understand. “Okay?” I nod my head in conformation for Jun. I just don’t want any of them to worry about me. I don’t want