Roasted Brown Beans & Caffeine

JinJin blushes as he frantically exits the expensive complex and wipes what’s left of his fading tears away. He can already feel the burning eyes of the pedestrians and their judge filled glances as he runs up the crowded pavement.

 If this wasn’t the dreadful walk of shame, then he doesn’t know what is. 

There is only one way to interpret someone dressed in such attire leaving from a costly apartment and none of it’s good. None of it’s true. He knows what they’re all thinking and if he was looking in at himself, he’d be wrongfully thinking it too. Would be whispering about how absurd and trashy this whole outward casted appearance truly is, without knowing a single thing. Without seeing the entire picture. 

JinJin gasps for air as his slowing jog comes to a staggering stop. He doubles over and clutches his knees, wheezing out from his long sprint. The humid and stale summer air mixing together to pollute his burning lungs like a prolonged torture.

And it’s dreadful in every way.

It’s as if the people drifting past him are faceless darkened anomalies moving in slow motion, and it makes him that much more disoriented. That much more frantic. He anxiously looks behind himself, satisfied to be a good couple of yards from the terrifying building and its dismaying resident. That very resident that has always been too far for JinJin to even begin to think about, yet there he was and JinJin can’t believe it. Won’t because he’s still trying to process everything.

Ha.

He’s so pathetic, he knows that and utterly useless, he can’t help that. He just can’t seem to do anything right and it’s becoming blatantly obvious with every screw up each day brings. Each day that ends with him in bed contemplating the entirety of his life and poor decisions like a misdirected compass on a furious sea.

He’s so confused and lost and an overall compete mess right now that he doesn’t even know what to do anymore.    

Doesn’t know what’s coming next and everything about it makes him want to scream, to throw a fit until someone cares enough to rescue him. To do something, but he can’t figure out what and that alone is like an agitating little itch he can’t seem to scratch. Like a disturbing barren hole of uncertainty and it’s a void of well needed instincts. Well needed sensibility and that surviving oblivion is only growing into this meaningless internal blackhole, hungry to swallow every ounce of cognitive rationality.

Ready to devour him and leave him alone in the paralyzing emptiness. 

He takes a deep breath in and calmly releases it. He needs to focus and get to MJ’s before someone directly approaches him in an attempt of comfort.

JinJin keeps his head down as he hails for a taxi, which he’s surprisingly lucky for because soon enough a yellow cab is moving out of the busy traffic and stopping. He feels fully disappointed as he quickly climbs in. A part of him hoped, no prayed for Eunwoo to follow him. To chase him down and sincerely explain what exactly happened at Moonbin’s.

To tell him that last night they fell deeply in love with each other and that’s the real reason he woke up in his bed.

He laughs aloud, that stuff only happens in sappy romance movies and he knows Eunwoo strongly dislikes him, that Eunwoo will never reciprocate his feelings because the signs have always been so abruptly clear. But that still doesn’t stop him from wishing for something, anything.

JinJin is about to close the car door when a man clearly out of breath stops him. “Would it be possible to share?” His solid brown eyes are pleading, begging JinJin to allow him into the vehicle and really who is JinJin to say no. He glances over at the driver through the visor whose gaze is fixed on them and shudders. He hates taking taxi’s alone anyway and its not like things can realistically get any worse for him, besides he is the epitome of rock bottom. 

“Um, yeah sure.” JinJin softly complies, briskly moving to the other side. He can’t look at the man as he enters, too ashamed to accept that he is indeed not wearing pants and allowing a stranger in to see it. In to witness how despicable and senseless he has become within such a sort period. That’s not even the worst part, he can take his own self made criticism but not so much someone else’s.

What’s he trying to prove, why didn’t he decline? 

He’s worried he’s going to be called a crazy night walker or even worse a business mans and that’s so far from the truth. He knows this posh neighbour hood and its festering inhabitants all to well. Knows someone like him isn’t something you see walking up and down those conservative sidewalks.

JinJin shyly pulls the white shirt down past his thighs and thanks the gods that Eunwoo is evidently taller then him because the cotton falls just above the hem of his boxers. He simply states MJ’s address to the waiting driver and turns his full attention to the stranger silently occupying the seat next to him. This man is unmistakably handsome. His black hair laying in a messy mop a top of his head, is being held back by a pair of dark sunglasses and he looks rough but not JinJin’s brand of drunken rough.

This newcomer’s whole attire has bad boy etched into its fine leather and ripped jeans. Drips with a definite killer charisma and sharp confidence.

JinJin can swear he has seen this man somewhere, sees a blurry out line in his mind that looks exactly like this dude and he just knows they must’ve met before. He doesn’t realize the stranger is also staring at him until their eyes meet sheepishly and it has him nervously turning away. Fully comprehends that he must be glowing about as red as cherry tomatoes and that it probably looks so unflattering.

The man grunts and it has his eyes nervously widening. “Crazy night huh?” He says laughing a little, but JinJin doesn’t have time to respond to the question, or acknowledge the other’s attempt at conversation. He needs to get a hold of MJ before it’s to late and this guy’s his golden ticket, his diamond in the rough. It’s now or never and he wants to immediately get it over with, because it’s sickeningly demoralizing in every way possible.

What he is about to do is completely tacky and positively repulsive. 

He simply turns back to face the man and blurts out, “Would it be possible to borrow your phone to make a fast call” before he can talk himself away from doing it. He’s trying to drown out the desperation by sounding as nice and reassuring as his shaky voice allows, as much as it takes for himself to believe it.   

He needs this man to say yes.

It’s almost as though the individual is pitying JinJin with how quickly he nods is head and is shoving ring studded fingers into his coat pocket, fishing out a smart phone. “Here” he lightly responds, passing the device over. “Thank you so much.” JinJin happily voices and takes the shiny gold phone into his impatient hands, ready to call his friend.

He hesitantly glances over to the other, who is now watching absentmindedly out the window. He doesn’t directly know this man, so he decides ringing his own as the safest option. He dials his number and hopes MJ is still being his usual noisy self.

“Hello” MJ answers.

“MJ hyung.” JinJin whispers, while heavily whining. He doesn’t care if this hot stranger thinks he is insane, because quite frankly he’s starting to believe it and he’s nearly done giving a about covering it up. “I’m in a taxi heading to your place right now and I need you to come out and pay.”

there's a calming stillness before MJ’s yelling and worrying over the line. “What! Jinwoo where are you and when will you be here?” 

“Like five minutes.” JinJin replies. “Okay, okay. I’ll head out.” And he seriously needs to thank MJ, even if half the time it is the older boy’s fault he’s in trouble.

JinJin ends the call and shifts back to the new face, who’s looking clearly amused. “Thank you, um?” JinJin motions to the stranger, handing him back his phone. “Mino.” The man complies, sticking his hand out. “Jinwoo.” He easily says, taking Mino’s hand into his own for a quick handshake.

“And yes, I’ve had a really crazy night and I’m honestly sorry your first impression of me is like this. I can assure you I’m not one hundred percent insane.” JinJin shallowly chuckles. He doesn’t understand why he’s trying so hard to keep face with this guy, when in five minutes they wont even be relevant to each other. But hey, he’s hot and JinJin’s just going to go with it because he’s done being pessimistic. Done drowning in anguish over stupid ideas and things he can’t possibly change. Things that are not going to change no matter how hard he wishes them to.

“That’s good to hear and don’t worry, we’ve all been there.” Mino’s nodding and JinJin mentally applauds the other’s perfectly sweet smile. “I’d be more concerned if you were completely .” It has JinJin giggling and blurting out, “but I practically am.”

Mino only hums and JinJin’s eyes grow at the soft sound.

His manager, brown and curly and…

“The beat boxer in the basement!” JinJin practically shouts out, remembering the rap battle in vivid detail. Mino nods his head, laughing. “Um yeah. Were you there last night? That actually explains so much.” The dark haired male smirks, shaking his head and jokingly rolling his eyes.

“You’re really good.” JinJin gets out because from what he can remember, it’s the truth. But before he can add more to their conversation, it comes to a dying stop as the taxi pulls up in front of MJ’s small house. JinJin adverts his attention and hurriedly peers out the window, happily purring as he notices MJ. 

His hyung sitting patiently on the front steps, is still dressed in his baggy pajamas and a black hat clearly there to hide his un-styled hair. JinJin wastes no time getting out of the vehicle as MJ rears the taxi to pay, but before closing the car door he’s holding, JinJin turns back to the endearing man left to sit alone.

“Well it was nice meeting you Mino, have a good rest of the day.” He says, closing it and waving. Mino brightly waves back and JinJin sorrowfully watches as the taxi drives away with the stranger he’ll probably never meet again. He’s still amazed with how effortlessly he carried himself without cracking under all the social pressures of what decent connections and communication should be. 

“Who was that and why the hell are you in your boxers and are you not wearing shoes?” MJ’s taking hold of his arm and dragging him up the front pathway. “Jinwoo what happened after you left the party?” MJ asks, clicking his tongue and JinJin can hear the distress in his voice.

“I don’t know.” JinJin mutters and turns to fully face his friend. “Hyuuuuuuunnnggg.” He whines, swinging their now locked hands, and looking up at the brunette with teary eyes. “I think I really ed up and screw you for not telling me.” He frowns and pouts, pushing MJ away.

He’s not letting this go ever and he’s going to mope around and cry about it until he feels better. Or at least until MJ’s apologizing and correctly reciting every vivid detail of last night.

“Lets just go inside. Sanha’s making coffee.” That’s all MJ says before he’s grabbing the back of JinJin’s borrowed shirt and pulling him up the steps. 

JinJin enters the small home, overjoyed to finally be somewhere he knows. Somewhere familiar and somewhat tranquil. MJ and now Sanha’s rented house has always been a place of warmth and comfort for him, the crackling of a healthy fire on a cold winters night. He can feel his tense muscles already loosening and that uneasiness that’s been following him around like an unwanted souvenir, slowly fade.

This is exactly what he needs.

Having some deep discussions today is necessary, because it feels like forever since all three of them have talked on a personal level and connected. A day of doing nothing with his two best friends sounds so good right now that it’s almost an urgent requirement. Something that he feels will rupture this fabricated nonsense and fake calmness he has capsuled himself in.

He’s not okay.  

He needs to get all this thick misery invested sludge off his chest and maybe MJ and Sanha’s compassion will help him figure it out. Help him comprise a plan on how to effectively deal with it.

MJ has been his go to person since they were chaotic kids in high school. The only one he could never feel shame in when sharing defiant and rebellious secrets, or ideas. Now thinking about MJ has always been there to hear his cluttered rants, to see his pained cries, or just when he needed a movie night to make his life feel a little better. A little normal. He can’t deny how much he needs MJ, they’re platonic soulmates. They understand each other on this spiritual level, have this weird brotherhood synergy and honestly growing MJ was the only person that understood. The only one he had. MJ seen it all, the anxiety, the depression and accepted it. Welcomed all the wallowing self pity and always turned it around to always bring JinJin back to reality.

To healthily push him out of his confining and bared comfort zone.

It makes JinJin feel so guilty because he should have voiced out his current depression when he first started feeling it. When it first showed itself. MJ is his best friend and maybe they don’t share the same mindset, or opinions, or even tastes in jokes. But that doesn’t stop JinJin from feeling the safest and most secure in his company.

To realistically love both MJ and Sanha and he needs to tell them, because they have every right to know.

It wasn’t surprising at all when he had casually found himself leaving clothes and bathing products all over the place. He spent so much time lazing around this house that within three years, he has managed to dump a good portion of his belongings in the only spare bedroom. Claiming it. 

He likes being here. It’s his second home and he still doesn’t understand why he easily turned down MJ’s offer when asked to be roommates. He loves being here, and it’s especially evident with how rotten his day has so far been. It almost makes him forget about his dimming hangover and the traumatizing events of this morning. 

Almost.

They silently make their way to the kitchen and JinJin can smell the awakening scent of freshly brewed coffee.

“And you thought you had it rough.” MJ laughs, hitting his boyfriend’s shoulder only to instantly rub at the spot. It causes the boy to sharply turn and slap MJ’s hand away.

Sanha looks absolutely horrid, his red hair is messily being held back by a thick headband and his pouting lips are a warning as to not mess with him. JinJin can tell the boy has drank more than he could personally handle by the indicating purple bags resting shamefully dark under his eyes and sickly pale complexion.

“Woah, Sanha you look like .” He states, taking a seat directly across from the miserable maknae. The boy’s hand tightly clenches the handle of his mug as he shifts his dangerous gaze to intensely meet JinJin’s. “And what you don’t?” He spits, kicking at JinJin from under the table.

Ah, he looks so cute all mad and it makes JinJin swell with pride knowing the ruminants of his burning hangover were starting to subside, because at least he didn’t have it as bad as Sanha, a kid four years his junior. 

“MJ what did you do to him? Sanha do I need to beat him up?” JinJin questions, leaning across the table to lovingly pat the young boy’s head. Sanha narrows his hexing eyes at him and it has him rapidly withdrawing his touch. He doesn’t want Sanha to bite him, not after the last time and he believes he still has the slightest scar from it.

He knows better then to mess with a moody puppy, especially one as temperamental as Sanha. 

“I didn’t do anything he didn’t ask for.” MJ smirks from where he’s leaning against the counter and JinJin shudders at the idea. He’s still living in denial about what those two in the dark and rather not hear, or be forced to picture it because it’s creepy. “scratch that, I don’t want to know.” He manages and shakes his head to clear the unholy and scarring thoughts flooding his mind.

Sanha will forever be innocent.

“Anyway, enough avoiding the elephant in the room Jinwoo. What happened to you? Are you okay, did Eunwoo play nice?” MJ asks as he places a steaming cup of coffee in front of JinJin and two painkillers. He hastily pops the two pills into his mouth and takes a big sip of the steaming liquid.

“Do I look okay?” JinJin snaps and maybe he’s being a little melodramatic, but he doesn’t care anymore because everything is falling apart. This utopia he has built up in his head is starting to crumble away, to shatter the manipulative crystals covering his eyes and he doesn’t know if he’s ready to let go. To give it up and allow raw reality this supremacy over him.

He feels like things are turning upside down in this complicated maze he’s stuck in the middle of and he’s scared. Scared he’s never going to find a way out of the euphoric smoke and oddity of this backwards labyrinth. That he’s going to be forever lost.  

“My whole life is ruined. I don’t know what happened last night between me and him, or anyone and I’m not sure I wanna know.” He takes a deep breath in before continuing. “I’m guessing everyone knows I woke up in Eunwoo’s apartment today. Eunwoo’s!” JinJin sulks, laying his feverish head against the cool table.

Maybe he should quit school, drop out so he doesn’t have to deal with all the backlash and hate waiting for him. Go and live the rest of his days out as a coward, because he’s clearly not strong enough to be the confident thespian in this artificial fairy tale he has blindly created.

“And what did he say?” Sanha cuts in, sounding more concerning then angry. “I didn’t give him the opportunity to say anything. I just ran out the door.” JinJin huffs, sitting up straight and crossing his arms.

“What! Why didn’t you ask him about last night?” MJ squeals, closing the fridge and dropping the newly obtained ingredients on the counter. “Donghyuk and I worked so hard and you just threw it away.” MJ says before he stops himself and is sheepishly turning to face JinJin.

He should have known.

JinJin slowly locks eyes with the brunette, staring him down and raising questioning eyebrows. “What? What happened last night hyung?” JinJin demands.

He can’t believe those two were in cahoots and working against him. That’s not even why he’s mad, he’s mad because what gives them the right to play around with his feelings? If they thought this sick joke was in any way going to be funny, they thought wrong. He genuinely likes Eunwoo and to poke fun at that is a low blow.

What kind of friends does he have?     

Just wait. This devious little plan, it’s not funny and he is going to get them back. He made a fool of himself in front of Eunwoo and it’s their fault. They’re the reason he’s suffering right now and he feels he deserves some truth. Some form of an apology.

“Listen, I can’t tell you anything besides Eunwoo and you disappearing and when I finally saw you, he was covered in puke and taking you home and I may or may not have been responsible for it. That’s all I’m saying.” MJ sings and he’s smiling like he hasn’t just ruined JinJin’s life. “that’s all I know.” He continues, pretending to zip his lips closed. “I wasn’t going to stop him and besides you were so drunk.” He mutters turning back to the counter and JinJin knows it’s a vain attempt in avoiding the entirety of the situation. 

JinJin frowns and then shifts towards Sanha.

“He’s telling the truth hyung. I don’t know what you two were talking about, but you both looked happy leaving. Do you honestly not remember?”

He shakes his head no.

“How is that I’m remembering everything clearly. Hyung did you take anything besides alcohol?” Sanha seriously asks and it has MJ snorting. He shakes his head no again, he can tell he hasn’t.

Now he really wishes he could play back the night in his mind and just see for himself, rather then listen to everyone else’s varying perceptions. Nothing’s making sense.

His heart races at the thought of being alone with Eunwoo and having it not end in an argument because two nights ago, he was severely upset over the other. What could they have possibly been doing in that time?

JinJin blushes and if MJ’s words are true. He nearly falls out of his chair with how fast he’s straightening.  

“Wait I puked on him? Aaaa.” He cries out, laying his head back down on the table and he circles his arms around himself. “Now that you mention it, I do remember kissing…” JinJin quietly mumbles, only to stop. He can feel the heat rising to his cheeks as the memory rapidly comes back to him.

He really did kiss Donghyuk and MJ wasn’t lying.

“Kissing who?” MJ laughs as he walks over and lays his hands on JinJin’s shoulders, giving them a shake before he takes to massaging the appendages. “You kissed a lot of people last night, aw cute your ears are turning red.” MJ giggles, running away before JinJin has the time to retaliate. “Hyung.” He whines.

“You know what?” JinJin peaks his head up and out of his enclosing arms, encouraging Sanha to continue with his eyes. The youngest leans in close to the older pair and drops his voice. “I really can’t deal with you two right now.” The redhead says lowly, tone dripping with annoyance as he stands and picks up his cup.

“if you absolutely need me, I’ll be on the couch, or better yet don’t bother me until the foods ready.” The boy declares as he strides out of the kitchen, mumbling and heavily stomping. The duo watch as the youngest briskly leaves, to sunned to comment on Sanha’s vulgar behavior. “Yeah, he had a really rough night.” MJ snickers and JinJin easily agrees.

“Oh , before you go back to cooking or whatever, can I have my phone.” JinJin asks, fully sitting up again. “Please take it! It’s been going off like crazy. And you’re an idiot. How could you just leave your wallet and phone laying on a table at a party with a ton of people.” MJ lectures, smacking JinJin’s head as he exits the kitchen to acquire the owner’s possessions.

“Here.” MJ states tossing the phone and wallet at JinJin. “I think it’s your boss who has been calling you like a mad man. You have the contact written as ‘Voldemort’ and I was too afraid to answer that one.” MJ chuckles and JinJin groans, because yes that’s him.

JinJin presses the home button and nearly drops his phone noticing the abundant amount of missed calls from his manager. What’s catching him off guard is that he’s positive he does not work today, he never works Sundays. Just as he’s about to unlock the device it begins to ring, buzzing softly in his hand. He hesitates before answering, because he’s sure Hanbin knows he was at that party and avoiding the man’s call now is like personally digging his own grave.

“Hello?” He shakily questions. “Jinwoo I swear. I know you’re not sick. I need you to come in today, you owe me that much. No if ands or buts, I expect you here within an hour.” He can tell Hanbin’s steady tone is hiding seething disappointment and it almost has JinJin feeling bad for lying.

“Um” and before JinJin can protest that today is indeed his day off Hanbin’s hanging up, leaving JinJin wishing he had never answered in the first place.

He sighs and looks back at MJ, who is now sitting in the chair Sanha effortlessly left behind. MJ is clearly just at aw as he himself is and he lightly places his phone on the table.

 “Well it looks like I gotta get to work.” JinJin slowly recites in disbelief and Hanbin’s solitary voice is echoing in his head like a shallow reminder of how hard his day is going to get. “Well hurry up then, you’re going to need a shower.” MJ nags, shooing him away to get ready.

Before he knows it, he’s washed and dressed in clean spare clothes in less then twenty minutes, fed in five. Sanha and MJ have his face covered in a thin layer of makeup in ten and he’s out the door wearing big thick sunglasses before anyone can say, you look fine.

JinJin shifts his gaze to MJ, who’s practically radiating in the heated rays of the summer sun and shimmering with the concentrated light bouncing off his tan skin.

“Can you be honest with me hyung? Did you plan out last night to mess with me, because I’m not sure how I feel about it, or how I should be feeling about it.” It’s a genuine statement, he truly does not know how to react and he hopes MJ can just be real with him.    

“Jinwoo.” And JinJin’s turning his down casted face to meet MJ’s. Just when he swore he wasn’t going to cry about it anymore, here he is. Hasn’t he cried enough?

MJ’s cupping his cheeks and wiping away the tears that are falling just below the dark frames with sincere fingers.

“I really tried to set you two up. Honestly and I’m pretty sure it worked, but I can’t tell you what happened between you and him because I wasn’t there.” And JinJin’s never seen MJ’s eyes so soft. “Now get to work.” MJ smiles, letting JinJin’s face go and really when hasn’t MJ been there for him?

“Thank you.” He whispers as he opens the door to the awaiting taxi. “I don’t know where I’d be without you.”

He knows he should be saying so much more and that his best friend deserves so much better, but he can’t seem to string these broken words together.

“Jinwoo just go.” MJ laughs, but he can tell MJ appreciates the gratitude and he’s crazily smiling as he enters the cab. He feels that tingling heated emotion and it’s a good one, not to far from love. 

“I’ll call you later.” MJ voices as he closes the door and waves him off.

Maybe he can find a sliver of a bright side to this.

I'm going to leave you with some cute pictures b/c I don't have anything to say. 

  And y af Mino because i last minute featured him 

-Breaking Boundaries