Stormy Grey Skies

It's now Friday and the word about Moonbin’s party is starting to spread like a slowly rising student epidemic. The up and coming “party of the year” is becoming the popular in talk on campus. It appears that everyone in the wide spread University is going and the thought of having to actively interact with fellow peers is triggering JinJin’s chaotic nerves. He doesn’t want to go and hates this never-ending cycle of self pity. Hates not being able to calm these out of nowhere mood swings and no matter how hard he tries, he just can't shake any of it off. Not even the bottomless feelings that are plaguing his judgments and are largely filling his shallow cavern with wildly idiotic ideas.

Yet he knows everything he needs to understand his situation, this situation. Knows all about these faint nauseating voices lurking around in his head and the very venomous words they spit. How it all has his best friend's name etched into every hissed-out sentence. A dear friend whose pretentious mission is to mess up and challenge every aspect of his life that falls into involuntary compulsive routines.

Regret is something he feels will never leave. He finds himself strongly regretting nearly every hasty decision that has ever been made involving his chipper pal, MJ. Like attending the same school as the brunette which was so last minute he almost missed registration because the other complained so greatly about ‘not being able to spend time together’, or perhaps just befriending his devilish hyung in general. Life isn’t entirely going his way and aligning himself with MJ is starting to look like one of the biggest mistakes he has ever made. A decision that seems to only cause him misfortune.

He honestly has no idea why he so easily agrees to anything that comes out of MJ’s mouth. Why he personally goes along with the older male’s little burlesque ideas that almost always get him in trouble. He couldn’t even if he tried, be able to count how many times he has found himself either stranded, broke, or without coherent memory because of the guy's wild behaviour. He still can't fully acknowledge the tattoo he had gotten back in high school due to his drunken haze and MJ’s manipulation, never will. A conduct which MJ repeatedly denies no matter how many times he keeps pointing his finger, keeps saying it's his fault and it really does bug him that his devious little cohort won’t fully accept the blame, because it's exclusively his wrong doing. His crime. 

But that was a long time ago and evidently the least of his current worries. He needs to focus on Moonbin’s party and how he's going to sneakily get out of it without having to admit defeat, without having to take on that punishment. Not thinking about what can happen is not much of an option anymore and he's never been one to willingly shy away from any challenge set forth by MJ, not when Sanha still thought of him as a cool hyung worth being respected.

He doesn’t even understand why he's getting so riled up over such a puny bet that's mere cotton candy and bunnies compared to the usually outrageous things MJ's had him do. But, that’s the very thing that scares him, that strikes him with a seething uncertainty. MJ's involved and that gives reason to this pathetic panic, right? MJ must be planning something, anything because that's what MJ does and the mystery within itself has him restlessly quivering, questioning everything that comes out of his precious hyung’s mouth.

JinJin looks longingly up at the pale blue sky. It's so calm compared to the heavy defeat slowly drowning him with its thick despair. Why is he at such a loss over something so stupid? This whole situation is nothing more than a tender gamble, a nerve wrecking deal of the stacked deck and who knows, maybe his hand will end up benefitting him. It’s undoubtedly feasible …that is, If MJ stuck to these mapped out rules. In fact, he doesn’t have much if anything to lose. If this almost non-existent dignity and small degree of make belief pride gets hurt in the process, then so be it.

It wasn’t like he had any respect for himself anyway.

He's starting to wonder of all this built-up albatross and dread is truly worth it. If it has ever been worth it. What if he was only overreacting and the whole affair ended up not being as bad as he is making it out to be? What if he had fun?   

JinJin exhales, letting the painted blues overhead seize his puzzling anxieties and carry the trickling worries away with each shift of the passing clouds. The peacefulness of the changing white puffs, left open pockets of shinning bright sunlight and the blinding hue forces him to close his eyes. To bask in a new found serene silence. Silence from his troubling thoughts and the hidden words of others.

Maybe he can relieve some of this dwelling stress by fitting in one tiny nap before third period. Yeah, a nap sounds like an excellent idea.

He sets an alarm on his phone and closes his tired eyes with full hopes of falling asleep. He shifts his body slightly, positioning his knees so they are comfortably bent and he throws one arm effortlessly over his head so his eyes are shielded from the harsh rays of the sun. This is the most relaxed he has felt in days. The warmth from the sun and the distant buzz of the other students is lulling him to sleep, much like one of those soothing old rhymes his mother would sing to him when he was an afraid child seeking solace. He's starting to drift off, fully allowing the natural fuzz of the unconscious to take hold of him and engulf his senses. He's nearly asleep and would have been happily snoring, if not for an unfamiliar light nudging at his side. That hefty notion alone is enough to deprive him any sort of thought out tranquility.

Why would anyone in their right mind do this? Whatever he did, whoever he pissed off, he's a hundred times sorry. Is wanting to sleep and forget all these troubles for one short hour, too much to ask for?

In what reality would waking sleeping university students be approved of and diagnosed as okay. Honestly speaking, he's quite annoyed that someone thought of it as a good idea and he needs to take a deep breath in to control this sudden surge of anger which soon after results in him gritting his teeth together. The only way he's opening his eyes is if this person was here to award him that car he had diligently put his name in to win last week and he finds that very unlikely, so he's not going to. Maybe if he ignores this person who is clearly immorally trying to wake him, they'll take a hint and leave him while he's still feeling somewhat friendly. That thought quickly leaves the minute that nudging becomes more abrupt and a whiney, yet very familiar “hyung” follows each agonizing knock to his side.

Well there goes that idea. He groans.   

JinJin opens his weighted eyes only to come face to face with Donghyuk’s contrasted head blocking the sun and just as blinding angelic smile. Donghyuk's glowing, surrounded by an array of light and his position casts a perfect dark shadow across JinJin’s own spot on the ground. Maybe he's imagining this, because he’s completely taken aback by Donghyuk beauty that seems to be only amplified by the illumination of the gold rays from the sun which are falling whimsically across his skin. But good things only last in movies and although Donghyuk resembles a descendant from heaven, JinJin knows well enough what the other’s like. That his new-found friend is far from being any sort of angel and that he can say good bye to that well needed nap.

Donghyuk giggles, his smile never leaving those rose-tinted lips as he speaks.

“You shouldn’t sleep here, hyung. Someone could have done something bad to you.” He snickers, sitting down beside JinJin on the lush green grass. “Hey, let’s spend lunch together?” and how can JinJin say no to Donghyuk’s charming eye smile, the y yet deadly slight arch of his brow and sweet asking voice. That would have been just wrong.

So here he is, here they are … together yet again, sitting comfortably on one of the many rich green hills decorating the campus park. JinJin nodding to every story Donghyuk tells and Donghyuk laughing just enough for the them both. It feels oddly normal and quite relaxing to JinJin, so average that he's having a hard time believing it was Donghyuk beside him and not a long-time acquaintance.

“How many lunch hours have we spent together?” Donghyuk asks, surprising JinJin with the sudden question. He's still slightly dazed, halfway between falling asleep and genuinely paying attention to their messy conversation, but he still mutters out a tangible “a lot”. Really, how could they not spend ‘a lot’ of lunch hours together? For some odd reason their class time slots had matched up almost perfectly and that left him with few excuses when it came to avoiding the slightly younger boy. Besides, Donghyuk was like one of those festering illnesses the monitors in the lounge warned him about. The more time they spend in each other’s company, the more Donghyuk’s presence seems to grow stronger and increasingly prevalent. Deadlier. Over that past week, he believes he hasn’t been free of Donghyuk for as much as one lunch hour, whether it be running small errands, or running away from the said man. They somehow always end up together regardless of the circumstances and now that he's openly thinking about it, it's entirely weird. 

“So, would you say that we're friends?” Donghyuk continues to question, the caution in his voice has JinJin uneasy and he finds himself anxiously fidgeting with the zipper to his sweater. What is Donghyuk trying to get at? “Yeah, why?” He quietly replies, while experimentally laying his head on Donghyuk’s lap. It's a vain attempt at comfort, but he wants Donghyuk to know that he's listening. Anyway, the brunette’s thighs are softer and way more comfortable than the ground.

“Okay, just wondering.” Donghyuk blissfully whispers and takes to running his hands through JinJin’s hair in a soothing massage. Donghyuk looks down grinning. “I’m really glad your bruise went away.” He beams, brushing the tips of his wondering fingers across JinJin’s forehead. “I’m still sorry about that.”

JinJin meets Donghyuk’s eyes. “I told you to stop saying sorry. It really is no big deal.” He says, focusing on the brown orbs above him. How many times was he going to apologize? Donghyuk's a character he can't seem to categorize, one full of mystery and he doesn’t know how careful he should be. The boy is still open water to him and he can't help but find himself stuck at shore only dipping his toes in, testing the abyss that makes up Donghyuk. He holds the brunette's gaze. He wants to see how far the younger will let him go, where the line of this fresh friendship is presently drawn.

Donghyuk’s hands are stiffening in his hair and JinJin can't unravel the fleeting expression that quickly tears past the boy’s features. That's drawing the other's brows together in mock contemplation and just like that, just like the snap of a finger it's gone. Replaced with a taut smile and lips that are quickly moving, speaking. Donghyuk's talking again. Telling him about how some of his friends had once gotten arrested for reeking havoc on the mall close to his old school, because they thought it would be funny and totally ignoring what arose between them. So he plays it off too, chuckling and mentioning how he heard about it on the news. 

He's surprised how someone can be so open with a person they've only met no more than a week ago. How Donghyuk can recite so freely what’s on his mind and not be afraid about it, when he himself is struggling to just keep his end of the conversation going. Within this very short time, he can’t help but feel he understands more than enough about Donghyuk and the younger's strange antics to somewhat get him. He's even starting to catch on to some of the brunette's little quirks, like how Donghyuk is silently worrying about his friends and family back home. Always telling him distant stories that have him unconsciously missing them too, which is so bizarre because he can't remember meeting a single person that resembles Donghyuk’s choppy descriptions and can someone even physically miss another being unknown to them?

JinJin looks up dumbfounded at Donghyuk, who is absentmindedly ripping grass out and gently piling it within his roughly styled blonde hair. Donghyuk's softly revealing to him that he was in such a hurry this morning that he had no time to slide on a pair of proper undergarments and how that meant he was currently hanging free below the waist.

“And that's why I really don’t want Eunwoo to find me.” Donghyuk admits, sweeping the grass out. “That’s kinda gross. Maybe I shouldn’t be this close to your crotch and please, I don’t want to know why you forgot, or why you were even and in such a hurry in the first place.” JinJin quickly sits up, which causes Donghyuk to giggle and grab his shoulders to solidly force him back down.

“It’s not that gross, hyung.” Donghyuk jokingly complains and JinJin’s trying to keep down his own crackling chuckles in favour of keeping this intimidating arura. His head is pleasantly laying back down on those plush thighs and he moves slightly so he's leaning on Donghyuk’s stomach with the other's legs spread on either side. “No but seriously. If he finds me, you can consider me dead.” And JinJin's cloaked laugher is bursting through, boisterously breaking Donghyuk’s serious silence. Now that’s something he’d like to see.

Donghyuk bends his head down to glare at him and that offended expression has him snorting harder, which only causes a fit of Donghyuk’s own. It's Donghyuk’s laugh that has him continuing this prolonged and pretentious giggle fest, but a loud call from an approaching figure has their laughter rapidly dying on their strained lips. He can sense Donghyuk's legs tense and push into his sides.

“Yah. Donghyuk what do you think you’re doing?” The new face voices and his arms are fiercely crossed as he stops at the edge of the tiny hill. “Spoke to soon.” Donghyuk mutters with a sigh.

He’s not ready for this.

JinJin blinks not once, but twice and he shakes his head. Is he vividly hallucinating, or is the clean-cut soccer captain truly invading in on their small picnic.

Oddly enough he feels bad, even guilty seeing Eunwoo. He has been far too busy contemplating his life and dealing with a couple of paltry devils that he's had no time to watch, or borderline stalk this astonishing man standing before him. Feels Eunwoo deserves more. He's so frozen that he can’t even register any of that usual nervousness and the sweat that’s starting to develop across his own skin is simmering with a very far, yet very familiar flustering discomfort. A discomfort that comes to life when Eunwoo is remotely close and it's instantly worsened knowing the man’s attention is centred solely on them, on him. He has never had Eunwoo this near and it's as terrifying as he's imagined it being.

As heart pounding and scary, because hiding is no longer a reliable option for him.

He tries his best to subtly glimpse at the taller male, which is a horribly failed attempt at best and he prays the captain didn’t notice, or take note of this moderate mental breakdown. JinJin’s cheeks flare in embarrassment. Why does this man always look so freaking good?

Eunwoo’s presence alone speaks words of importance and demands a definite respect. A kind of authoritative presence that frightens JinJin, bewilders him because he accepts his unsaid place in this corrupted hierarchy. He doesn’t even understand how he can be so exceedingly attracted to someone who terrifies him so greatly. Someone who he'll never have enough nerve to genuinely talk to. Maybe he's some form of closeted masochist and maybe he likes feeling this ache of worthlessness, he internally shivers.

Just seeing Eunwoo like this, renders him silent and into a fit of inner hysteria. It's as if Eunwoo has this cloaked dominance over him and it honestly sparks an irrational hungry fire. He can't help but stare because really, how could he not? Eunwoo is like a walking ball of desire and right now the little beads of sweat gliding down his neck are drying JinJin’s mouth, bringing out such an insatiable thirst within him. He would give up anything if it meant he could rip those practice clothes off the taller male, to be able to sit in his lap all day and run his hands across that gloriously toned body. To have Eunwoo’s attention for himself and himself alone.

That is surely one daydream he can never see coming true and just thinking about it now has him burning, yearning for something he can potentially never have.

He curses himself for not being able to hold a composed demeanour and turns his head away to protect whatever image the other still holds of him. He'd rather not show a weakness he's not ready to fully admit to, or acknowledge just yet. His heart is racing, pumping such quick spurts of cowardly blood and he wants nothing more than to abandon Donghyuk. Leave him to deal with this angered man on his own and JinJin's preparing himself to make a run for it, but Donghyuk’s hands are tightening at his shoulders.

“Ah Captain, I’m having lunch.” The boy in question answers and JinJin catches the undetectable sarcasm dripping from his silky voice like it's the most obvious observation. Donghyuk’s fingers are walking steadily across his shoulders and stop only to play with the thin dusting of dark baby hair that rest at his neck.

It does little to calm his gutless spirit but still faintly helps, still lessens his deadly heart rate.

“Did you forget there was a practice scheduled today?” Eunwoo bitterly asks and the demanding roughness in his voice has JinJin cowering his face further into Donghyuk’s shirt. Donghyuk must've noted his odd behaviour, because the brunette is starting to knead his shoulders and squeeze soothingly at the tight muscles.

“The thing is Captain, I’m completely commando today and being responsible, I skipped out because I didn’t think I’d be able to practice to the best of my abilities.” Donghyuk simple says without a single hesitant breath, adequately causing JinJin to cough in disbelief. Donghyuk did not just blatantly confess that to his team mate, does the boy not fathom Eunwoo and what he's like?

JinJin needs to look up, needs to gouge out the other's reaction because maybe he heard Donghyuk wrong and maybe the fool didn’t just say that to his admired captain. He has this faint idea that Eunwoo knows the Donghyuk he knows and personally deals with this dork’s eccentric personality on the daily. Maybe that’s why Eunwoo's pissed and clearly displaying his displeasure. He needs to make sure, needs the reassurance that he's not the one causing all this hostility.

As soon as his heavily raising eyes fall on the charcoal haired male, he wishes he had never peered up.

The shock spreading across the captain's face is like a slow building fire of emotion, his thin brows are drawn in an ‘are you serious, I can’t believe you’ way and mouth agape as if he's ready to crush Donghyuk’s entire excuse with hard evidence. The comical look marking the declared ulzzang has him oozing with such a foreign longing, because it's so freakin cute and he can't appreciate how someone can look so utterly hot with such an ugly expression. It's mind boggling and shouldn't even be possible, because this epidemy of perfection is completely unfair.

JinJin’s speechless, to consumed in memorizing every aspect of Eunwoo’s facial characteristics that he doesn’t notice Eunwoo’s glance shift. Doesn’t notice how the other's eyes drift from Donghyuk, to the hands in his hair, to his staring eyes in one swift movement. His goofy smile falters and being the stupid and idiotic he is, he gives the taller male the ugliest, most disgustingly shy wave on earth. An unflattering and unnecessary twinkle of the fingers. His smile quickly fades and he retracts his retreating hand sharply and into his pant pocket.

Holy , why did he do that?

Eunwoo looks angry now, his glare is narrowing in on him and a plastered frown is now garnishing those already peeved features. Was Donghyuk missing one practice that big of a deal? Did the guy think he was personally sabotaging the team by keeping Donghyuk, because it's not like he asked the brunette to stay. He wants to turn back time and run away from Donghyuk that untasteful day they met, because then maybe Eunwoo wouldn’t be so enraged, wouldn’t be looking at him like he's the worst human alive.

“Captain, I’m serious! I completely forgot to wear anything beneath my pants today. I mean you can check.” Donghyuk drags the question on, tapping his thigh and JinJin feels the other's hand falling close to his left side. “But I don’t think you want to.” 

“Trust me I don’t. I’m letting you off for today, but tomorrow you’re doing double.” Eunwoo cruelly replies. “Aye Aye.” Donghyuk shouts, saluting to Eunwoo, who only rolls his eyes and shakes his head. “I will be seeing you tomorrow.” The disciplining man adds, spinning around to divinely leave without as mush as another word.

He's starting to feel sick with this distant little nauseating feeling and it has him believing he's royally ed everything up this time. 

“I don’t think he likes me very much.” He loudly declares as soon as Eunwoo disappears from his sight. He doesn't care if he's willingly voicing out such confusing emotions, or mind turning their usually fluffy conversation into a more honest one, because he's genuinely upset right now and Eunwoo scrutinizing him so openly has him locked on those endless thoughts. He momentarily needs Donghyuk’s sympathy, eagerly needs someone to feel bad for him and tell him it's not all his fault.

All he's ever wanted was to have something nice in his life and Eunwoo was that nice thing. A delusion he wants to continue having. He wants to live with this belief that he has a fair chance, that he's always had a chance. 

“Why would you say that?” Donghyuk asks and takes to braiding JinJin’s hair, plucking nearby flowers out to add to the woven blonde locks. “He just always looks angry with me, like I’ve pissed him off or something. But like I don’t understand why because we’ve never really talked.” He closes his eyes. Why is admitting this so hard?

“It’s not that he’s angry. He’s just stern and kind of thinks he deserves everyone's respect.” Donghyuk empathizes, cradling JinJin’s head in his arms. “Don’t worry. His bark is greater than his bite.” Donghyuk mumbles, his hands have slithered their way around JinJin’s neck and are loosely hugging him. And there it is, that feeling from before, that perplexingly scary and swallowing sensation. What does it all mean?

The ringing of JinJin’s phone alarm has them both jumping and it causes Donghyuk to hastily pull his hands away. “Wow, I totally lost track of time.” He admits, getting up and sheepishly helps Donghyuk to his own feet “Well I guess I gotta get to my class, hyung.” Donghyuk lightly voices, but before he shifts to leave, he pulls JinJin in to a full hug.

“Don’t think about it too much” He whispers. “You’ll give yourself a brain aneurysm.” He laughs and pushes JinJin to the ground, throwing a wink over his shoulder as he runs down the hill. “Yah!” JinJin yells to the fading boy and the brunette only turns to shout, "take my words hyung".

He huffs, because maybe he is being too serious.

“Aigoo, what am I going to do with him?” He sighs as he gets up and collects his scattered belongings. He does feel a little better, but not enough so to genuinely find the aspiration to attend his afternoon class. He totally just got his heartbroken. Going home now will overall be best for everyone, because he doesn’t know how long he can keep it together and crying in the middle of a lecture is something he'd rather not have happen. Besides this very strange sensation which is more strange than usual, has him queasy and wanting to hide away until it fully dissipates. 

He without a doubt has a tub of ice cream in his mini fridge and a bed that's longingly calling his name, to go home to. To make him feel better. He needs time to work out what is currently taking place within him and develop a solid plan on how he's going to deal with all this unsteady chaos. He wishes he could take Donghyuk’s advice, to not think about it but he has no choice because thinking about it is all he has. He's personally never been the best at handling strong emotions and now he's absurdly fretting over what just took place, compulsively replaying every single detail.    

He can't get Eunwoo’s completely disgusted look out of his head and the thought of him unconsciously doing something to upset the man is breaking his mind with overpowering worry. He's contemplating hundreds of theories, like if MJ was involved, or if it had something to do with Donghyuk’s odd behaviour. He can't simply not think about it and he fathoms that the answers to these roaring questions in his head aren’t going to be easily attainable. That even if he did spend all night pondering them, he'll still only turn up empty handed and with scattered thoughts that have no reason.

Besides, all the trivial ‘what if’s’ can't compare to the way Eunwoo has completely devastated him and destroyed every distorted belief he had. He's too sad to even think straight and he knows that when he enters his small room he's going to completely break down, because he can sense the approaching storm. The toxic part of it all is, is that he knew this was coming. Deep down he understands that he shouldn’t be this worked up over someone he merely has a fluffy crush on and someone who barely knows of his existence, but he can't help these feelings of explainable hurt. Can't push them away.

Eunwoo is everything thing he could ever want in a partner and more. Even if Eunwoo doesn’t know or understand the quake of sorrow those puny actions have caused, he still likes him and that’s what is upsetting.

JinJin’s at a serious loss. If Eunwoo doesn’t like him, strongly doesn’t like him then he has no choice but to give up any hope and feelings. Right? This fascination he has with the other needs to stop, because it's beginning to hurt not only himself but low key MJ and to keep living life like this is an eternal sentence of imprisonment. He can't keep pretending and playing make belief anymore, because he's not getting any younger. If getting over these butterflies Eunwoo lets loose meant not attending the team’s soccer games, meant not watching him practice, meant not creeping on his Facebook, then so be it. Eunwoo doesn’t belong to him and he certainly has no special ownership over the other. It just doesn’t feel right to keep up this untrue facade and continue with this falsely created mind set.

He'll have to stop at his own pace though, because giving up everything in one go is something not entirely easy. He's too invested, too far down the rabbit hole and honestly his feelings are too complex. He's already one year in too deep and subconsciously he knows he's not ready to give it all away, doesn’t think he can.

He will forever see Eunwoo as the most perfect man and he will always want him.

The day his eyes fell on Eunwoo there was no going back. It was a lonesome one sided creepy infatuation and deep, deep down he knows it's unhealthy. That he can't keep living life in this self-inflicted darkness.          

Going to apologize in advance for making Astro so unlike themselves

-Breaking Boundaries