Day 31

Looking back to the first day I began writing my journey, I never thought that a month had passed since then. That means according to Jong Kook's oppa earlier calculation, I have about 60 more days to live given my current state of health. I wonder if his prediction is really accurate, but I wish to have more time to get to know my new family - the Kims. I personally felt it's a bit unfair to leave them with little good memories after they have done a lot for this sick lady, and therefore I must find ways to prolong my stay on earth so I can repay their kindness. Sounds impossible, but worth a try.

As a doctor, Jong Kook oppa discussed with me on other possible treatments on top of the one that I went through. He kept saying that I should undergo a surgery for the removal of the affected bone, which I have to do it urgently before the cancer spread to my lung. The success rate is small, but it's the best option that I have. Then I asked him this question, "Oppa.. if the surgery failed, will you feel regret?". He lowered his head and sighed as he cupped my hand. I knew he doesn't have the answer, so I told him that as much as he wanted me to survive the procedure, he also needs to accept the fact that I may not make it. That's just the way it is.

Day 33

Although it wasn't time for me to leave, I pleaded to my angel to sign the release form as I don't like to stay in that place for such a long period. It reminded me how close I am to death, which only weakening my spirit to battle the cancer. Because Jong Kook oppa had an important surgery on that day, Kai was there to help me out as I ended my stay at the hospital. That little rascal (well he's a good boy now!) seemed to be excited when he saw me on my feet again, and decided to celebrate my 'freedom' by doing the thing that I've been wanting to do - watching the sunset by the beach while eating my favourite ice cream.

In the car, Kai was asking me a lot of questions about my illness - how it began, what do I feel and also does it make me angry when I first heard it. He's never been this bubbly before, so seeing the 'chatty Kai' had caught me by surprise. Come to think of it, he does have the same aura as his brother - caring and charming as a person. But of course they both have their own way of impressing a woman, which I found interesting as I get to know them better. We strolled down by the beach while waiting for the sunset, which was actually tiring for me but I refused to show it in front of Kai. After getting an ice cream each, we sat next to each other on the white sand - and that's when the young man began to unfold everything.

Day 37

Unfortunately today I was sent back to the hospital when I felt a strong pain on the affected area, so once again Kai had to babysit me at Jong Kook's oppa workplace. Right after he finished his work, my angel quickly 'flew' to my side and stayed with me all night. I took the opportunity to validate Kai's story about their mother who've lost her battle to cancer, which I believe was the real reason for him to treat me well unlike his other patients. Jong Kook oppa was surprised that I knew about his past, but he denied the fact that he was being nice just to make up for his failure to look after his mother. It was a lesson learnt for him, however that didn't influence his feeling for me.

At first I couldn't get his words, so Jong Kook oppa rephrased his sentence to make it easier for me to understand. He said that I am important to him not just as his patient, but also as someone that he would like to 'protect' for the rest of his life. He even mentioned that he likes me more than a good friend, and he was waiting for the right time to confess to me personally. I was speechless when Jong Kook oppa asked about my feeling towards him, knowing that I don't have much time left before I die. It's obvious to me that I won't be able to give him the family that he deserved, and my whole life will become a full-time burden on him as I'm unable to look after myself. Should we agree to have this relationship from now on, it will only hurt him more when I'm gone. Mianhaeyo oppa, but my answer is no.

Day 38

The conversation that we had yesterday really changed the way Jong Kook oppa behaved around me, and he no longer stared into my eyes like he used to. I'm pretty sure that my angel was upset by my decision to decline his feeling, but I think it's better for him to be hurt now (while I'm still alive) rather than suffering for the rest of his life. I couldn't stand seeing him broken hearted like this, however I can't be selfish by allowing him to fall in love with a sick lady (that's me) when there are better women out there who can make him happy. He might not agree with me, but this is all I can do for the man that I care most.

The awkward atmosphere between Jong Kook and I was obvious to Kai, hence the young man was trying hard to get one of us to fill him with the details of our 'cold war'. Jong Kook oppa managed to escape from having to explain to Kai by running to his other patient, so I was left to face the curious guy on my own. Reluctantly, I told the young man the truth, which he responded by saying that "You're a fool, noona!". Thanks a lot Kai. That really helps to make me feel more miserable for what I've done to your big brother. But I don't blame that kid. Kai is too young to understand the situation from my perspective, therefore it's hard for me to justify my decision. Anyway, I don't owe him an explanation.

Day 40

It's been three days since Jong Kook oppa was acting cold around me, and honestly it kills me to be in this situation. First - he's still my doctor, so I can't avoid him even when I want to. Second - I'm receiving treatment for my bone cancer which is fully sponsored by him. Third - I think my feeling for Jong Kook oppa is growing stronger, but I can't show it to him although I miss my angel so much that it drives me crazy when he began to ignore me.

As I felt uncomfortable to stay at the hospital after what happened between me and Jong Kook oppa, I've decided to discontinue with my treatment and leave his apartment for good. I thought he was going to roar at my face and scold me for making this hasty decision, instead.. I received a kiss. I swear I wasn't lying! He.. KISSED me. Omo.. Jong Kook oppa just kissed me! All of the sudden. On my lips. That was the first time I got kissed by a man after so many years of living on my own. I could feel my heart beat getting faster, then it suddenly stop when he said "You don't need to go anywhere cause your place is in my heart.. forever."