Day 21

Honestly, I don't feel like continuing to write down my life story after we came back from the hospital yesterday. There's never been a good news even when I've went through treatment after treatment that cost thousands - and I don't see the point of wasting more money (which is not mine) to pay for the hospital bills. Those who are in the same shoes as mine would understand what I'm saying. It's like.. death seems to be a cheaper 'option' for us, and maybe the fastest way to end this pain. Mianada. I didn't mean to give up the fight, but I was too angry at myself for becoming a burden to those around me especially Jong Kook oppa.

Since he's the one responsible for my case, Jong Kook oppa has all the details of my health. Though he kept saying that I'm doing well for the treatment, I know he was lying straight to my face. I can tell that he was trying to 'protect' me from the truth. He just refused to admit that I'm not getting better, because Jong Kook oppa wanted me to believe in miracle. Too bad. I'm a person who believe in logical explanation rather than false hope, and right now the only logic that make sense to me is that I'm dying. I need to prepare for the next life, but the worst of all - I need to prepare for my goodbye.

Day 25

It's been a while since I wrote the previous chapter, and now I'm ready to do this once again. Just ignore the part where I said that I'm giving up the fight, because right now I want to give 'miracle' a chance to change my mind. Why? That's a tough question to answer, and I'm still searching for the right words to explain everything.

This time, I thought of sharing what I did to Jong Kook oppa in the last few days. Remember when I accused him for hiding the truth? Because of that, I sort of 'ignoring' him for quite some time including that rascal i.e. Kai (who cares if that little boy threatened me for not respecting my boss!). Jong Kook oppa seems to understand how I felt on that day, as he gave me some space to cool down just when I need it. I'm guessing that it's normal for his patients to act the way I did after every treatment, and that's the reason he wasn't mad at me although I was being childish.

Still, I shouldn't have ignored him for couple of days just because I can't accept the reality of my health. Jong Kook oppa was merely doing his job as my doctor, and I don't have the right to judge him in a negative way. Therefore I've decided to apologize for my ungrateful behaviour towards the brothers, but then he made me promised that I must never lose hope as he is giving his very best to save me. Gomawo oppa! You truly believe in me. Jinjja.. I will not waste your efforts on me from now on as I'm going to fight for another day to survive.

Day 26

Whenever Kai was around, I felt like he purposely made my stay at the apartment almost far from 'heaven'. I had to attend to his needs more than mine - as if taking care a little child that I never had. He won't let me have a break for more than ten minutes, cause there's always something that he wanted me to do. Be patience, Ji Hyo. Maybe this kid is lacking of attention, and I happened to be the one who can give him that. But due to my non-stop working for almost five hours (or maybe more), I felt something wrong with my body when I couldn't move around without experiencing searing pain in my bones. My medicine seems to have lost its affect on me because, instead of getting better I was tortured by indescribable strain all over me. I wish it would stop.

The hardest part of the day was having to fake a smile for Jong Kook oppa when he asked if I was okay, as I don't want him to get into another big argument with that rascal because of me. He should be backing up his own family member more than an outsider, so I can't have Jong Kook oppa to choose between me and Kai. Family comes first - no matter how annoying can he or she be. I wish I still have mine, but I'm not too worried as I'll be meeting them soon. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to miss my 'new family' here when I'm gone. I hope they'll feel the same way too, so I won't have regret barging into their lives in such a short while.

Day 29

When I woke up yesterday, I found myself lying on a hospital bed with wires attached to my body. I don't really remember what happened in between those period that brought me here, but I'm guessing it has something to do with my prolong illness. I recalled that the temperature of the room was a bit cold, and the lights were dimmed but enough for me to view my surrounding. That's when I realized Kai was resting his head on my bed - sleeping peacefully on his chair while one of his hands grabbing my fingers firmly. My slight movement had awaken him from his dream, and he immediately asked how I feel. Dizzy, I said. But other than that I think I'm fine.

I looked carefully at his face. His red, swollen eyes suggested that he's been crying for hours before and I wanted to know why. Kai suddenly burst into tears and asked for my forgiveness, so I'm assuming that he already heard about my sickness. He said that I fainted in my room on the night he asked me to tidy his space and the kitchen (which is after I wrote the previous chapter), so Kai had to summon Jong Kook from his workplace to rush me to the hospital. Of course that poor young man got scolded by his own brother for stressing me out, but this time he openly admitted that he was wrong. I'm happy to see some 'progress' in him.

Day 30

Today is my fourth day at the hospital, of which Kai was always here to accompany me while Jong Kook oppa carried on with his work as a doctor. I wanted to be released from here as soon as possible, but my angel wouldn't allow me until I'm strong enough to stand on my feet. Fortunately Jong Kook oppa helped me to bring this journal here, otherwise it would be a dead, boring session at my 'second home' i.e. my angel's workplace. It's the reason why I was able to continue writing in this book as it's very important for me to record my 'journey to heaven' which I foresee will be ending soon.

Later in the evening, Jong Kook oppa sent Kai home as he demanded for some privacy moments with me. I was so curious and anxious to hear what he's about to say, but Jong Kook oppa decided to play his role as my doctor first before he came to me as a friend. He helped me to go through so many parts of the treatment (in overall there were three to seven procedures per day), of which I'm glad that he kept me motivated to continue with the routine because of his caring personality. When everything else is done, he finally sat next to my bed. Just like Kai, Jong Kook oppa would firmly grip my fingers while we're talking or staring at each other, which I thought a bit strange for us to have such 'skin ship' when we were just.. friend?