Quick reminder that this chapter will contain some triggers, and to read with caution. This chapter will be more triggering than the previous one, and if you are easily triggered especially, I do not recommend reading it.

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Joshua was sure he loved Jeonghan, and so he was also sure he wanted Jeonghan to be happy. That’s why he had to hide his own sadness and he had to hide his own confusion and he had to hide his own guilt. Joshua refused to make Jeonghan feel worse than he already did. But he couldn’t deny that it was hard to pretend that he felt okay.

Every time Jeonghan visited Joshua’s dreams, which was every night now, Jeonghan would cry and Joshua would comfort him the best he could. Then, Jeonghan would apologize and Joshua would hold Jeonghan’s hand and tell him it was okay. And then they would sit in a sad kind of silence and wait for the night to end. Joshua was so exhausted of this routine, but he couldn’t stop it, and he knew that. 

He felt bad, honestly, for keeping Jeonghan from his mother. He felt like a horrible person; like a sinner.  But every time he tried to convince Jeonghan to leave, he refused, reasoning only that Joshua needed him.

How was Joshua supposed to tell him then, that the only thing he needed more than Jeonghan was Jeonghan’s happiness?

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“Jeonghan,” Joshua called, his lap covered in textbooks and papers, “could you get that pen for me?”

Joshua simply muttered a ‘thanks,’ as a pen landed in his lap. He was doing his homework, albeit halfheartedly. And while he should’ve been happy that Jeonghan was again an active part of his life, he could feel nothing but guilt that he was on earth rather than in heaven with his mother.

Joshua had to do something.

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Joshua had written a note to his mother and placed it in his drawer. He would leave first thing in the morning, before she woke up. He was sorry to her, but not as sorry as he was towards Jeonghan and his mother. He just wanted to be with Jeonghan now. He just wanted for all of them to be together.

Joshua closed his eyes, and with the final thought of not being swayed by whatever Jeonghan’s words would be, he allowed himself to sleep.

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“Joshua, what are you thinking?” Jeonghan was angry, and Joshua could tell. Jeonghan grabbed Joshua harshly by the wrist and stared him straight in the eye in wait of an answer.

“I’m going to make things right, Jeonghan, that’s all,” Joshua sounded like a child who got caught with his arm elbow-deep in a cookie jar; bashful but not at all apologetic.

“Right? You think this is right? You think throwing your entire future away is right?!” Jeonghan was yelling now, and Joshua flinched. He couldn’t help the tear that slipped out against his will, and he couldn’t wipe it away due to Jeonghan’s firm grasp. He just wanted to get his way. He just wanted to feel okay now.

“Yes,” Joshua was whispering, shivering and sobbing, and had Jeonghan not been so positively enraged, he would’ve held him against his chest and calmed the boy down. 

“Why is that, Joshua?” Jeonghan attempted to lower his voice. He wanted to understand. He couldn’t understand anyone who would want to be in his position, and he wanted to understand.

“It’s all my fault,” Joshua started carefully, “Your mother died because I couldn’t help her. You’re stuck here with me because you feel obligated to. We….we can’t…” Joshua’s voice trailed off, his eyes avoiding Jeonghan’s. Jeonghan’s gaze softened.

“We can’t what?” His voice was so warm it caused Joshua to melt a little.

“We….we can’t be together, Jeonghan,” He blushed bright pink, and Jeonghan felt his heart soar in the saddest kind of way. Jeonghan pulled Joshua against his chest and held him tightly.

“Joshua, I need for you to be alive. That’s my assignment,” Jeonghan whispered into Joshua’s hair before planting a delicate kiss on his forehead, “I’d… I’d feel so horrible if two people passed away on my accord. What… what can I do to keep you here? To keep you alive?”

“I’ll stay alive if you stay with your mother,” Joshua whispered into Jeonghan’s chest.

“What do you mean?” Jeonghan replied, pulling Joshua back to meet his eyes.

“Go back to heaven, Jeonghan.”

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Ah this was difficult to write as well. The chapters really never got as long as I wanted them to but I hope you're all still enjoying this anyway. The next chapter will not be triggering, and, if I write it as planned, it may be the last chapter.

Thank you again to my fantastic subscribers, viewers (almost at 900 now oh my goodness), upvoters and my lovely commenters from the last chapter: shawol95, OnceCarat, ora_han, MsKimJongin, seungrivvip (I will most definitely be writing more SVT and Jihan! Thank you for the support omg), Altariaaa, and pandamst3r. Thank you guys so much for the compliments and support! I'd love to hear what everyone thinks of this chapter~ 

Thank you~!!