Warning; unwritten character death

Jongwoon hyung,

I…I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye when you left this morning. I was trying to write this note and I didn’t hear you leave the dorm. I don’t like saying goodbye anyway. It makes me think that you won’t come back. I…just…

I’ve known you for so long, hyung. For so many years, we’ve lived together in this dorm, danced together, sung together. You’ve always been there for me when I was upset, when I felt like I was bringing the group down because I hadn’t trained as long, when I missed my parents and normal life so much that I couldn’t move. You are that one person who has always been there for me no matter how tired you were or how many other things you had to do. That really means a lot to me, hyung. It means more than you could ever imagine.

You were one of the first members to accept me and bring me into the group when I joined last-minute. You accepted me unconditionally and helped teach me the dances late at night when you should have been sleeping. You helped me develop my vocals. You stood next to me backstage before our first performance, gripped my hand, and told me not to worry, that everything would be okay, that the fans would love me, you were sure of it. I carry that memory in a special place in my heart.

We won our first award and I started bawling on stage. You were there next to me, wrapping me in your arms amongst all the chaos, trying to comfort me as best you could while crying yourself. I felt comfortable in your embrace – I always have, and I always will. Comfortable, safe, and completely at home. Like nothing bad could ever happen. For every good and bad thing that has happened since, you have been there for me, opening your arms wide, holding me tightly and taking all of my worries and fears away.

Then the antis started acting up, ranting about how my dancing was bad and I wasn’t handsome enough. They said I needed plastic surgery, that I shouldn’t be a part of the group, that the only thing I contributed was vocals and even those weren’t very strong. My voice was too high, they said, to work with the melodies and mesh with the other member’s voices. You came and found me that one night when I was trying so hard not to cry and held me close, telling me that I was worth something. I was special and had the most angelic voice you’d ever heard, you said. You worked with me more in the following weeks, helping me build up my confidence in my appearance, my singing, my dancing. Your gentle words, so much like a dream, became my tent, my comfort zone, where I could go when I needed to be sheltered from the outside world, which was so harsh and full of despair and hatred.

Even though you didn’t get to speak often on variety shows when we first debuted, you made it a point to make sure I had a chance to speak as well. You would mention me in your answers to questions or ask my opinions so the camera had no choice to focus on me. When I asked you why, you would say that you wanted everyone else to be able to see me the way that you saw me - as a bright shining star who had so much potential. Your confidence in me helped me have confidence in myself. I wouldn’t be here today if it weren’t for you; I probably would have given up years ago.

You’re there for me when we go overseas, helping me interact with the foreign fans and helping me feel comfortable in the new environment. When I would go overseas for SJM activities without you, I felt lost, even with the other members helping me. I needed you there with me for the experience to be complete. When we would fly back, I couldn’t wait to get back to the dorms to see you. And you would always be there, smiling, asking me about my trip and listening as I ranted about any and everything. I never didn’t get the courage to tell you exactly how much I missed you, but I think you might have gotten an idea.

I wish these words could fly off the pages, go to you now, and wrap you in warmth and care. I wish that they could carry you back to me so I could tell you this is person. But, then again, I am too shy for my own good and this is the only way I can express myself to you. When I see you, all my confidence disappears and my words die in my throat so…this is the only way I can tell you, I guess.

I love you, hyung. I love you with all my heart, mind, and soul. I can’t possibly live without you. I feel so empty, so incomplete, when you’re not here with me.

I know you may not feel the same way about me. To you, I may only be a dongsaeng, only someone you should protect out of obligation. But I truly do love you hyung, and I couldn’t continue to keep it secret. I have kept it hidden for so long because I didn’t want to be a burden to you and I didn’t want to make you feel awkward around me. I wanted so desperately to be around you and if that meant only as your friend then so be it. But it hurt far too much to keep it to myself, to keep those feelings bottled up inside my heart for so long.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

It feels so nice to finally write that out.

I love you, Kim Jongwoon, and I always will.

Forever yours,

Ryeowook

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Yesung held that perfectly penned note in his hand, tears cascading down his face, as he sat on the edge of his bed. After the funeral, he’d come back to the dorms and locked himself in his room, refusing to talk to the other members. It was when he’d thrown himself unceremoniously onto his pillows that he’d found the neatly-placed note on his bed. He immediately recognized the writing and he felt his heart tighten painfully. With shaking hands, he peeled open the letter and began to read; barely halfway through it, he knew exactly what his dongsaeng was going to say and just started to sob, ugly tears pouring from his eyes.

Outside his door, Kyuhyun and Sungmin, both still in their black suits, stood, looking worried at the hiccups and sniffles they heard. After a few minutes, they knocked on the door; no answer. Finally, they couldn’t take it anymore and picked the lock, letting themselves in.

Yesung was on the floor now, slumped back against his bed, holding the note close to his chest as he cried. Sungmin rushed to his hyung’s side, wrapping an arm around him.

“Too late.” Jongwoon’s voice was scratchy, shaking. “If I h-had been a l-little faster, he w-wouldn’t have…he would still be alive…”

Sungmin pulled Yesung close, running his hand up and down the older man’s back. “There was nothing you could do, hyung,” he murmured as tears began to blur his own vision. Kyuhyun sat down on the edge of the bed and awkwardly clasped Yesung’s shoulder to let him know that he was there. “There was nothing anyone could do. We didn’t even know he was out that day. The car just…if anything, it was the driver’s fault…Ryeowook wouldn’t want you to be like this, hyung…”

“He loved me,” Yesung managed, his voice strained. He gripped the note in his hand harder. “If I had come back sooner…if I had been there with him…if I had taken him with me…he would…he would still be here…and he would know how much I l-love him back.” As soon as the last words left his lips, he let out a heart-wrenching sob that resounded throughout the dorm; the other members moved to dash into his room but Leeteuk held them back. Give him a chance to calm down first, he said. He doesn’t need us right now. He needs Ryeowook.

Kim Jongwoon clutched onto Sungmin’s shirt, showing a vulnerable side of himself that he normally kept hidden. The man that had been his whole life was gone. The man he had loved more than himself, the man who had revealed his feelings in one thousand carefully-chosen words.

He felt his world come crashing down around him as Sungmin rocked him slowly, trying to calm him down.

“Why did you leave me, Ryeowook? Why did you leave me right when you told me? You hate goodbyes. Come back. Come back to me. You can’t leave with just one thousand words. Come back. Come back and be with me. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me. I can’t do this if you’re not here. I can’t. I love you so much. Just come back.”