He heard the first few notes ripple through the stadium and the lights slowly came up, the only spotlight shining directly on Kyuhyun, leaving him cloaked in relative darkness for the moment. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that he wanted to do this and willing himself to not get emotional.

I’m saying this because I’m sorry.

Ryeowook snapped his microphone away from his lips as soon as he heard the first line leave Kyuhyun’s. It suddenly struck him where he’d heard those words before; on the night that Jongwoon told him he would be enlisting. He didn’t know why it’d taken him so long to realize that. Jongwoon had enlisted months ago and he’d listened to Gray Paper countless times since then, but he heard something of Jongwoon in Kyuhyun’s voice that night and he found himself shaking. He slowly brought the microphone back to his lips, holding it still with his left hand while clutching it with his right.

I try to hold it in and block it.

He heard his voice singing the words. He heard the weakness and he fought to get himself under control so that he could make it through the song. He could feel Kyuhyun’s eyes on him, but he kept staring forward, singing a little louder and with more intention.

Ryeowook was glad, though, that Kyuhyun had the first chorus because as he sung the words ‘I love you,’ he felt hot tears prickling at the back of his eyes.

In one second, I repeat these words thousands of times: don’t go far away.

He heard his voice crack. He heard his voice crack and several calls of encouragement from fans and he felt Kyuhyun’s concerned stare a second time. He quickly wiped his eyes, shaking his head just slightly and telling himself that he couldn’t cry, not in front of the fans who were expecting so much. He had to keep singing.

But the ache in his heart was still there and the tears made it to the surface despite his attempts to keep them under control.

He was thankful when the lights fell because it meant he could take shaky steps toward the center of the stage without the fans seeing. But that meant that he heard Jongwoon’s voice and that made the tears prickle his eyes uncomfortably as he tried to hold them back, refusing to look at the bright face filling the screen above him.

He felt a gentle hand on his back and he glanced to his right; Kyuhyun was looking down at him, obviously worried.

Are you okay? he mouthed, and Ryeowook nodded once as he was suddenly back in the spotlight, singing the final notes, his voice melding with the recording of Jongwoon’s in a way that he would never like because it wasn’t the real thing.

---

The first thing he did when he got backstage was check his phone, only to find that he had a new text message.

Don’t cry it said, and he could almost hear Jongwoon murmuring it in his ear. I’ll be back with you soon.

He clutched his phone to his chest, sliding down the wall to sit on the floor, staring at his shoes.

“I miss you,” he whispered, and his voice cracked once more. “I wish you were here. I want to see you.”

He could hear muffled cries and the loud, thumping bass of the music above him and he leaned his head back against the wall, letting his legs stretch out in front of him.

“Hyung?” Kyuhyun peered down at him. “We have to go on stage in a minute,” he said softly.

Ryeowook nodded, taking a deep breath before picking himself off the floor. “Right. Sorry,” he mumbled. He let Kyuhyun wrap an arm around his shoulders and lead him toward the dressing room. Once there, Kyuhyun left him alone to change and he stared at himself in the mirror as the door shut. He straightened, squaring his shoulders and hitching a slight smile on his face. He knew that Jongwoon would want him to keep smiling through the tears.