Looking back was painful.

Looking back was revisiting all of the memories of first love and lost love and that moment when he thought he’d be happy forever and the moment when that hope slipped away through his fingers. They’d found each other in his second year of university, Jongwoon’s last. When the older graduated, they persisted and made it work, kept up with each other, never mentioned the idea of breaking up. They were so in love; the picture-perfect couple, with starry eyes and dancing hearts. When Ryeowook graduated, he moved in with Jongwoon, officially, but that’s when the stars began to dull and hearts slowed to a crawl. They were too similar and too different and they knew that this wouldn’t work, not in the way it had worked. They were friends, great friends, best friends, maybe, but that was it; being around each other all of the time taught them things about themselves, about what they were looking for, and Jongwoon was the one to eventually break it off. Three years and then nothing, no soft touches or stolen kisses or whispered words of affection. Just casual friendship, and Ryeowook felt his world come to a standstill.

For so long, his life had revolved around school and Jongwoon and now it didn’t revolve around either and, for a while, he wasn’t quite sure what to do, except he knew he didn’t want to look back, not anymore.

But looking forward was scary because he didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what he wanted, not anymore.

Looking forward was figuring out where to go in life, was chasing after his dreams instead of just working his comfortable job at a local music store giving piano lessons. It was making a whole new life and settling down and, maybe, somehow, finding – having – a family. The future was full of so many unknown variables, so many things he couldn’t ever pin down and be sure of, and to detail-oriented, list-driven Ryeowook, that thought was so stifling that sometimes it felt like he couldn’t do anything at all.

But the present was comfortable.

The present was full of smiles and hugs and soft kisses and words of affection, but not in the way Jongwoon would whisper them; in a different way, a way that somehow meant more, somehow had more of an impact. The present was full of Donghae, who would hold him and run around the apartment and take him out to dinner sometimes or to a movie, if they felt like adventuring to the other side of town. Donghae, who would hold him close and tell him everything would be okay and who would mercilessly and apologize with kisses, who was the reason behind the newly-rekindled stars in his eyes.

The past, full of Jongwoon, and the future, full of uncertainty, were scary and painful and nothing more than memories or desperate plans.

The present, full of Donghae and love and hope and enough caring to last a million lifetimes, was where Ryeowook chose to stay. The present was where Donghae would walk, beside him, until they couldn’t anymore.