Chapter 4 : Mom : Marriage

The coffee maker is a classic, an antique according to my daughters. You need to be extra patient to use it. The power button need to be pushed in specific angle with certain amount of power for the machine to work. It takes forever to brew just a few ounces of coffee and it makes weird noises sometimes. We could definitely afford a more modern one, yet somehow, after years of using it we kind of thinking about the machine as a family member. It becomes irreplaceable.

My daughters had bought the machine for our twentieth wedding anniversary. Sooyeon barely set her foot in entertainment industry back then while Soojung, a student, had just nailed her first commercial deal. They both used their hard earned savings to buy us the present, my husband and I have treasured the coffee maker since then.

My husband. My mind drifts to him as I watch the black liquid drops into the pot. It has been a week since I caught him cheating. It has been one painful week.

After catching him red handed, I stormed out of his office in tears. I then drove aimlessly for hours before exhaustion and frustration took the tool on me. Only after hours of crying in my car by the road side I had the thought of talking to somebody. I called my cousin who was also my best friend, Min Jin, and she was where I poured the sadness in my heart out that day.

Her advice has been the one that keep me sane this whole week. She had told me to proceed through this slowly, minding my daughters’ feeling. She had reminded me of how much my daughters admire their father, how this situation would break them more than it has already broken me.

I agree with her.

To Sooyeon and Soojung, their Dad is their hero, the man they always look up to. I can’t just ruin that by storming out of the house, asking for divorce. Thus, this past week has been nothing but facade and masquerade, hiding behind the mask of a happy wife for the sake of my children.

I cook. I clean. I shop for grocery. I work around the house like nothing has happened. I talk and cheer with my daughters while avoiding talking to my husband as best as I can. The sight of him brings back disgusting memory and now I can’t even look at him without both hate and utter sadness agitating my guts.

The good thing is he knows how to behave. He mirrors my avoidance, and together we have danced the tango of fake romance around our children.

What has happened to our once happy marriage? What has happened to us? The thought of leaving him keeps on lingering in my mind for the past few days. My daughters are the only reason I haven’t voiced the thought to my husband.

And now he's coming to the kitchen to resume his morning routine of coffee and breakfast. I has prepared simple rice and beef radish soup for today, the dishes were already set on the counter.

We don't even say morning greeting to each other anymore. My lips are sealed tight as I pour him a cup of coffee and no word comes out of my mouth as I sit and help him with the meal.

“Sookyung-ah.” He says my name for the first time this week, a whisper barely audible but comes through my ear like thunder, stirring into my feeling. I stop whatever I am pretending doing but refuse to meet his eyes.

“Sookyung-ah. I think you should stop sleeping on the floor.”

I has been sleeping on the floor since that damned day. There is no way I can share the same bed with the man who has betrayed his promise of lifetime fidelity. There is also no way I can sleep somewhere else with both my daughters at home.

“I'm the one who should sleep on the floor.” He speaks again and flame of anger bursts inside me. Does my husband think sleeping on the floor is enough punishment for his infidelity? Does he think it will fix everything that has been broken since that day?

“I'm sorry Sookyung-ah.” The softness of his tone can't soften my heart. The next thing I know I stand up, hands pressed on the counter suppressing my anger.

“Sorry? You are sorry?” I can't help the rising of the tone. “Do you think an apology could erase what I have seen that day? Do you think I would forgive you just like that? If not for our daughters I would have been out of this house. I would have left you! ” Words came out of my mouth like a flood.

I has been raised well in my family. I know I have to respect the man I married to but at that time profanities almost come out of me like blazing knives. My hands tremble so much I fall back into the kitchen stool. I cry. I cover my face with my hands. The tears I have been trying to hold back this past few days now break into sobs. My heart is so full with emotions my chest aching.

“Sookyung-ah...” I hear him calling my name again. I feel his hand on my shaking shoulder. My heart tells me to fall into his arms, just like I used to do every time I was in need of comfort. Every fiber in my body wants to lean closer to him yet my head is filled with the images of his dishonesty.

“Tell me.” I ask between sobs. “Tell me how long it has been.”

He says nothing.

“Please tell me it was the first time. Tell me this is not happening.” I beg, voicing the questions that has haunted me since that day. Weakness envelopes me like tidal wave and for a moment I really want to forget everything and live my life the way I did before finding out his betrayal. My hands move to massage my temple as my head aching more and more.

“Sookyung-ah. The kids might hear you.” He states after a moment. “Let's... uh... talk about this privately later.”

“How dare you worrying about our children when you are the one who has betrayed our family?” Anger rises in my heart again, suffocating me.

He sighs. “Please. Let's meet outside later. Let's sort this out and try our best not to get our kids affected.”

As if on cue the door to Sooyeon's room opens. She steps out, all bright and smile.

“Good morning Dad. Good moorning Mom.” She bounces into the kitchen.

I stand up, hiding my teary eyes behind the task of taking another coffee mug from the kitchen cabinet.

It's too late though. My daughter already comes to my side.

“Mom. Are you okay? Has you been crying?” She touches my arm gently, her eyes reflecting concern.

I shake my head no, stepping away to take a washcloth and wipe the inside of the mug with it. “Noooo. I just laughed too hard. You know your Dad and his funny story.”

“Really?” She looks at her father who just shrugs while sipping his coffee. I use the chance to wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

“Don't tell me it's the same old story about how Dad's client falls off head first on the treadmill.” She hugs her father from behind and gives his cheek a kiss before sitting beside him. The adoration in her eyes is so clear for me to see it hurts me so much. “You need to find a new story.”