Rewind (V)

He was stupid. So, so, so stupid.

Baekhyun couldn’t stop crying, and for once, he didn’t care about embarrassment. He had tried to avoid breaking down ever since his last encounter with his brother; for some reason, even in privacy, he had begun to feel self conscious about it. All the tears he had kept in, tears of frustration, of pain, of sadness and anger -- they all came flowing out, like a dam broken.

Guilt was completely destroying him from the inside out. His argument with Chanyeol, which he had been so worked up about a couple of hours ago, kept on replaying in his mind. Those words about Baekbeom he had spit out, how he had made himself sound like he didn’t care -- they all rebounded back, hurting himself instead. He wanted to go back a couple hours. Tell Chanyeol that it wasn’t true, that the thing he wanted the most in the world was to have Baekbeom back. He wanted to turn back time, to the first time he had ignored his brother, and fix it.

Regret hurt too much. His heart -- it ached so much. Someone was repeatedly opening that old wound, and it refused to close anymore. He had covered up the hurt and put on a smile, but there was always a breaking point. Baekhyun wondered if he had finally reached that point. The thought of it -- it was so immensely painful that Baekhyun burst into a fresh bout of tears.

It was almost ironic, he thought. Ironic. It would’ve been funny if it hadn’t hurt so much. So, so, painfully ironic.

Every hurtful thing he had ever said to his brother, Baekhyun wanted to take back. He wanted to take everything back, fix things, be the one to apologize first -- or at least, pay his brother attention when he attempted to fix what had broken between them. He wanted to correct his own stupidity and arrogance, thinking that he still had all the time in the world to do things, when the truth was, he didn’t. Was it really necessary to learn lessons this way? To only understand the value of something when one lost it? Was this life’s cruel joke?

Baekhyun curled deeper into the couch, into a small a ball as he could, hoping to squeeze everything out, all the voices that seemed to be screaming at him -- though all he succeeded in doing was trapping it in. He’d rather feel nothingness, than this pain. This raw pain, one that felt like it was tearing him apart on the inside, yet something he would never be free from. The pain, the worst kind -- one that came from regret, mixed with uncertainty.

He thought of all the times he had ignored Baekbeom -- from the multiple times he had been phoned or texted by his brother, the times Baekbeom had returned to the apartment. He had been selfish and caught up in his own anger to notice, but it had been for him. The times his brother worried about his wellbeing; it had been genuine -- how could he have been so blind -- blind enough to miss that?

And the cookies that Baekbeom had given to Iseul to deliver. Was it really because his brother didn’t have the courage to face him? Or was it because he didn’t want to hurt Baekhyun, letting her deliver them instead?

Baekhyun knew very well that there had been tens upon thousands of times that he had missed his brother; in fact, he did so every night. But even then, he hadn’t even had the courage or ability to actually face him. And now it was possibly too late. All the words he wanted to say, never got to say -- they were completely useless. It was uncertain that Baekhyun would ever see his brother again.

He would have traded everything -- his pride, dignity, whatever stupid things he had valued before -- to have Baekbeom wake up. He would’ve given all of that to let his brother hear his apology, to hear Baekhyun tell him that he cared. But wishing did no use, now. It just made him hurt more.

“I’m sorry,” Baekhyun croaked into his own arms, to no one. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” He had no idea how many times he repeated the simple phrase as he rocked back and forth on the sofa, crying until his eyes were dry from tears. Crying until he was too tired to cry anymore, before sinking into the gift of oblivion, where emotions were left behind him, if just for the shortest of whiles.

***
 

Skipping school was not a very smart thing to do, but Baekhyun, quite frankly, couldn’t distinguish what he cared about, and what he didn’t anymore.

Passing finals, getting into university -- it didn’t seem important anymore, as it had been just a little while ago. Most of the time, the only thing on his mind was Baekbeom, and when it wasn’t, he was just staring blankly at the wall.

Baekhyun was pretty sure that he was going to go insane from staying locked up in the house for so long, but some part of him wondered if he was already crazy from everything that was happening. Being alone just increased the loneliness and pain, and even though at times, he felt as if it would kill him, he couldn’t bear to phone any of his friends. Even Chanyeol, who he confided with in everything -- every time his index finger hovered over his best friend’s number, he ended up tossing his phone aside. He knew better than to think that Chanyeol would judge him, but since the last time he had had a face to face conversation with Chanyeol was when they had been arguing about Baekbeom, Baekhyun couldn’t bring up the courage to phone Chanyeol. He had snapped at Chanyeol and told him that he didn’t care about his brother -- and now? Baekhyun almost laughed aloud, but the moment the noise escaped his mouth, there was a strong, aching feel in his chest.

His phone rang from his side, and he looked down. Han Iseul, the phone screen said, and he felt himself stare down at it. Iseul was someone who hadn’t stopped texting him since he’d stopped showing up at school, and for some reason, he found scrolling through her texts a good way to pass time. It helped him take his mind off Baekbeom -- though he still couldn’t phone her -- what would she think of him, after witnessing the temper tantrum he threw at Chanyeol in the hall about not caring about his brother?

She kept him up to date about everything that was happening at school -- Baekhyun wasn’t sure why, but it served as a good distraction. Along with apologies, questions -- he could almost feel himself smiling until he got to the second last one.

Han Iseul

Chanyeol told me what happened, and no one knows where you are and you haven’t contacted anybody for days except for telling yeol once. choi is mad at you, and a couple other teachers -- besides, finals is tuesday next week and if you don’t come… well, university. it’s important.

8: 31 PM

Han Iseul

Just don’t do anything stupid, okay?

8: 34 PM

Baekhyun snorted. University? What was important was Baekbeom right now. University… well, he didn’t even know if it mattered to him anymore. If Baekbeom didn't wake up, he didn't know what mattered at all.

He replied with a quick leave me alone, and not a fiber of his being didn’t regret writing it. However, after a mere few seconds, the phone rang.

Han Iseul, it said.

Baekhyun wasn’t sure why he did it -- in fact, he hadn’t wanted to in the first couple seconds, but all of sudden, the loneliness of all the past days finally caught up to him. He wanted -- he longed to hear someone on the other side, another human voice to answer his own. He had visited the hospital daily, and all he could do was sit at Baekbeom’s bedside and clutch his hand. All his pleas he had said to empty air were unanswered, and all of a sudden, he wanted to hear an answer. Even if it weren’t one that he wanted to hear. Any answer would do.

He raised the phone to his ear, but he couldn’t say anything. What would she say to him? He had almost forgotten the eavesdropping thing -- it didn’t even matter that much to him anymore. So what if she heard that conversation with Chanyeol? It wasn’t like she didn’t understand or know what was going on.

“Hello?” She finally said, after about ten seconds of silence. Her voice was small, almost inaudible from his side of the line. The familiarity sent a wave of shock through Baekhyun. He hadn’t heard such