Part 15 ⧫ Elucidation

e·lu·ci·da·tion

/əˌlo͞osəˈdāSH(ə)n/

noun

An explanation that makes something clear; clarification.

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“Here,” I said, dumping the pile of homework onto the nightstand next to the hospital bed, almost knocking over a half empty cup of orange juice in the process. “Mr. Choi claims that you’ll fail chem again if you don’t catch up with all the schoolwork. Mrs. Song believes that math will help you recover faster. Mr. … what’s his name again? Says that keeping yourself busy is the best way to make the pain go away. I think they just want you to do homework for the hell of it.”

Baekhyun snorted and eyed the pile of papers with disgust, and I had the sudden, insane imagery of him burning all his homework in a huge bonfire. The thought disappeared as soon as it came, though, so I kept my mouth shut and watched his expression with a fair bit of amusement as he scrutinized all the work.

“Personally,” Baekhyun finally said. “I think. The best way to ignore the pain is to go on my phone and play games. And I know that from experience. Homework just makes my head hurt and hope that I’ll stay here for longer so I don’t have to go to school.”

I snorted, though my gaze involuntarily trailed towards his chest, which was bandaged up firmly in white strips of linin. Two fractured ribs; I wondered how painful it was. How many bones would one have broken in a car crash that took their life? I didn’t even want to dwell on it; but the horrifying image still remained imprinted in my mind.

“Does your grandma know you come here?” he asked, finally, when I didn’t speak. “I mean, you had to stuff me in your closet because you couldn’t let her find out that you were housing a guy, so what does she have to say about this?”

I shrugged. “Somehow, she didn’t go into details. She knows a friend of mine--” Friend of mine. Was that what Baekhyun was to me? “--was hurt, but… she actually didn’t ask anything. It seems suspicious, I guess, but there’s nothing I can really do about it. She doesn’t even question me when I get home kind of late. I’m just going to pray that my luck will hold.”

None of us talked for a moment, and Baekhyun almost looked… solemn. It was gone as soon as it came, though.

“How’s school, though?” The topic change was almost cringeworthily noticeable, but he still managed a wry smile. “Sometimes I contemplate falling out of the bed to hurt myself again just so I don’t have to go, because honestly… there’s a lot of peace and quiet here and it’s a good change for once, not having a lot of people crowd me, you know? Chanyeol’s really busy studying, and I probably should be doing the same.” He glanced at me. “What university are you planning to go to?”

His question caught me off guard, and for a sudden, I was completely speechless -- because in all honestly, I myself wasn’t so sure. It was something I tried not to think about -- I didn’t want to, even though I probably should’ve a long time ago. “Probably University of Seoul,” I said halfheartedly. “I don’t really want to leave my grandma, and besides, it’s pretty good here anyways.” I tried to smile, but it came off as a wince instead. “I’ve always wanted to go abroad and study in the States, but I don’t think I’ll ever… yeah. I don’t think I’d be able to manage, with the English and all, or catch up. Even if I do get into the exchange program, I don’t think I have the courage to do it anyways.”

Baekhyun gave the homework one last repulsed glance before pushing himself up from the bed so he was sitting properly, legs crossed. His shoulder -- the right one, was still weak from being dislocated, but he looked a lot better and a lot less frail. The white hospital blanket had been pushed to the end of the bed, though Baekhyun was only wearing a pair of loose sweats and a hoodie that I doubted belonged to him. His hair was sticking up in unusual places, pretty much everywhere, and the sweats he was wearing was wrinkled. He cradled his phone on his lap like it was some kind of treasure. “I wanted to go to the States to study too, once,” he murmured, almost dreamily, clouded eyes fixed on some point above my head that I wasn’t quite sure where. Then, like snapping out of a trance, his eyes cleared. “That was a long time ago, though. I don’t… I don’t sing anymore. I thought I could get in with a scholarship, maybe as an exchange student, like you just said, and-” he broke off and smiled, slightly bitterly. “It was just a wish I had when I was fourteen.”

“It’s still possible,” I said, though my voice sounded hollow to myself too. “If you really wanted to, that is.”

Baekhyun shook his head, eyes once again fixed on that invisible spot I couldn’t find, and silence settled down once again.

Seeing Baekhyun’s blank stare, I wasn’t quite sure what to say. I had never been good with comfort, and even when I did comfort people, it was never when I had been put on the spot -- I had normally had time to think about it and all. This silence -- well, it was heavy and not at all something I’d prefer to stay in. So, awkwardly, I shouldered my backpack and adjusted the straps, and pushed myself to my feet. “I might have to go home soon,” I muttered under my nose, though it sounded a lot more like, thisiswaytoawkwardformeI’msorry. “I don’t… I’m not sure if--”

Baekhyun’s head snapped upwards, in almost… alarm. “Wait, can’t you just stay awhile?” he asked. “I’ve been here alone for the whole day and Chanyeol and Jongin haven’t visited yet and it’s really lonely. Just for a little while? You already came all the way here to bring homework, so can’t you stay for a while?”

I hesitated; that was my mistake, because the idiot took it as a yes. “You can rant about Choi if you want,” he supplied helpfully.

Of course, ranting about Choi wasn’t what got me, it was the face he was pulling off, whether or not voluntarily, I had no idea. Whatever he was doing, it made me sit back down on the foldable chair and say something unintelligent, like, “Omigoshfineyouidiot.”

I really had to stop slurring my words together today, I mentally said. Unless I was going to turn into the crazy one out of Baekhyun and I.

He grinned, eyes crinkling into crescent moons and mouth morphing into his stupid rectangular smile. Though however stupid I claimed his smile was, I could feel the corners of mouth threatening to go upwards too. It took all of me to maintain a straight face -- even then, it probably looked like I was dying. Half of me wished he would stop smiling -- it was distracting me too much. The other half kind of hoped shamelessly that he would continue smiling the whole time because it made me feel kind of happy too.

“Here, you can start ranting about Choi. I’ll listen.” Baekhyun grinned happily, propping his chin onto his hands and leaning forward.

“Uh…” I opened my mouth, but at the moment, my brain was telling me how close his face was to mine. I could feel my palms get clammy at the thought, and unconsciously, I wiped them on my jeans and tried to ignore the close proximity, and focus on the question. Mr. Choi. What had Choi done in class today? We had been working on worksheets the whole period; so he hadn’t done anything. Other than handing me Baekhyun’s homework, there was no outbursts from him today worth-telling. Of course, chem had been rather dull these couple days without Baekhyun’s witty comments that always seemed to fit in here and there. “Nothing really special happened today,” I managed, though the words were hard to get back. I begged God to make Baekhyun move back, somewhere less distracting, at least.

“Oh.” He sat back in disappointment, frowning. I almost let out a breath of relief. “I kinda miss pissing him off, but then again… I’ll be missing going on my phone all day in the hospital when I’m back at school.”

I snorted.

He grinned back slightly.

“Well, you won’t be laughing when Choi yells at you again,” I muttered. “Then again, you’re so stupid you don’t even understand when he’s angry at you or not.”

Baekhyun laughed, unaffected by the insult. “By stupid, do you mean fearless? If Choi doesn’t scare me, then I’m pretty much invincible, right?” He tried for a pose of some kind, but ended up in practically giggles. “Though he kind of does scare me, so…” he trailed off, frowning as his eyes landed on me.  

Fearless, there was that word again. I wasn’t quite sure how to respond to it anymore; and however much I didn’t want it to, it brought back memories. Memories that one would hold dear, but held more of a bittersweet taste to me. Memories that dwelled too much on the past. I wasn’t sure if it was selfishness or caution or what that I was unwilling to even think of my parents, but whatever it was, it was enough to stop me. But fearless -- that word had way too much connection for me to simply ignore it. Too many memories linked with it that were too painful to think of. Too happy to think of. Because too much happy was a poison.

My face must’ve drained of colour pretty quickly for even Baekhyun to notice, because he immediately str