Rewind (IV): Baekhyun

Never underestimate Kyungsoo.

Sometimes, Baekhyun wondered if that was an ultimate life lesson. And he had paid for ignoring it, big time.

He had been forced into a corner, filmed to say a confession, and then had his hair tied up in a ponytail on the top of his head.

Baekhyun couldn’t understand if anything had been more mortifying embarrassing than this. And he wasn’t allowed to put his hair down either; Kyungsoo made sure that he would send the video to Iseul if he did so.

And then, his best friend had laughed at him, then pulled down his only means of protection, his hood, right in front of Iseul.

Baekhyun wanted to cry.

When he finally got home, Baekhyun threw himself in front of the couch, grabbed a box of ramen, and plugged earbuds in his ears. Maybe he could wash away all of today’s horrifying events with the music, even if it were only for a little while. Before he even knew it, he had fallen asleep.

Baekhyun woke up to the text tone on his phone, which sounded twice. The bowl of ramen lay on the tea table, and though he vividly remembered steam rising from it, when he touched the bowl, it was just lukewarm.

Rubbing his eyes, Baekhyun sat up from the couch. He felt a little lightheaded, and his back felt stiff from the odd position he was curled up in. His stomach growled, but the moment he saw the two texts on his phone, all his previous hunger flew out his window, and the ramen looked strangely unappetizing, though it had his mouth watering just a second before.

Hyung, the screen showed, and his throat tightened, breath constricting.

He never told anyone, nor had anyone ever seen it, but Baekbeom’s contact on his phone remained named hyung. Despite his never ending persistence to not talk or even face his brother, there was still part of him that was unable to deny what he truly wanted. And what he truly wanted, under the pride, under the facade of not caring, was to reconcile with Baekbeom. Compared to his other wishes, this wasn’t even that impossible, but between reconciliation lay a thick wall of anger and betrayal that Baekhyun could never, however much tried, break down. Every time he felt like he was on the verge of replying to a text, or even greeting his brother, looking him in the eye without the feeling of resentment, there was that unmistakable anger that made him shut his phone down, or avert his gaze.

And it was wrong, Baekhyun knew. It was so wrong, and so stupid of him to do it, but he just couldn’t help it. Even though he regretted so many of his decisions he made, in the end, the anger at Baekbeom overwhelmed. The loneliness of the time spent without his brother when his brother should’ve been there overruled everything else, and based on all of that, he made his decisions.

Hyung

Are you at home right now?

7: 39 PM

Hyung

I’m back in Seoul, and I’ll drop by tonight.

7: 40 PM

The difference between Baekbeom and him were that his brother typed with proper punctuation, no abbreviations, no nothing. It sounded formal, stiff, and made him, if possible, seem even more distant than he already was. And that, unconsciously, hurt Baekhyun. And his first response when he was hurt was to feel angry.

He glanced at the texts once more. There were two decisions, and he was free to do both. First, go to Chanyeol’s -- that was the easy way out. Chanyeol, despite his complaints, welcomed him with open arms. Second, he could stay at home and wait for his brother. And even though the first choice was the coward’s route and Baekhyun knew it, it was the one that had the most appeal to him.

Part of him, a very small part of him, told him to stay. It wouldn’t be that hard to just put his pride down for a moment, to put down his anger, and apologize. Wouldn’t everything be so much easier after that? He could be freed of all those regrets that had piled up, if he could just take that step forward and apologize.

A second later, he had pulled out his phone and dialed Chanyeol.

“Hi,” Baekhyun mumbled, and even as he said his words, he could feel his own disappointment towards himself. He blinked, and his eyes felt wet. “Can I stay at your place tonight?”

***

As Baekhyun sat at the breakfast table, Iseul beside him, he spent more of his energy trying not to burst into tears than to actually eat his food.

Had she really almost convinced him to apologize? The thought was ridiculous. Baekhyun had spent four years trying to summon up enough courage to do so, and he had never been able to. But when he had walked out of his bedroom door last night, he knew, he just knew that if his brother were still there, he would’ve apologized.

Too late, now, he thought dejectedly. When I finally can… he leaves. Life is playing a huge joke on me. Is fate having fun laughing at me now?

Everything from last night seemed to be a blur of fear, anger, and the all encompassing sadness. He remained vividly, Minjoon screaming at him, taking Iseul by the hand and running. He felt bad for her -- he really did -- but after Baekbeom appeared, he couldn’t even fake being brave. Baekhyun felt ridiculous -- he had broken down in tears in front of her. Again. Once had been embarrassing enough, but twice? She had brushed his apology off, and told him it was fine, but Baekhyun knew that even those who normally spoke the truth lied to make others feel better. Iseul was no exception.

“Should we clean up?” Iseul broke the silence, and Baekhyun realized he was prodding at his food with his chopsticks. “I mean… I can do it if you want.”

He felt a little ungrateful; she had made breakfast after all, and all he was doing was poking at it. Not that she was exactly eating much more. “Can we just stay like this for a minute?” He didn’t know what he was saying anymore. “It feels… safe.”

Baekhyun didn’t know what was safe anymore -- it wasn’t hiding under thick blankets, whispering things to his brother, who lay in the bunk bed below his, anymore -- but nevertheless, it made him feel a little better that she was beside him, like there was a bubble around him, and everything was okay as long as he was in that bubble. There was the real world out there to face, but for a moment, it wouldn’t hurt to take a break from it. He could face the real world later. For a moment, he tried to forget everything, and just enjoy the moment.

She didn’t reply, but Baekhyun brushed away the thought that he had said the wrong thing, because she didn’t move either.

He thought about Kyungsoo’s words that he had said to him the day before; something Baekhyun had brushed off then, and denied, but now resurfaced. And as he sat next to Iseul, the thought occurred to him that maybe Kyungsoo was actually right.

You like her, he had said, and Baekhyun had fervently shook his head. Kyungsoo, as usual, had ignored him continued. You obviously do. Just go ahead and confess or something and ask her out. Because you two are killing all of us. If you’re oblivious to the way she looks at you and smiles, then you can’t be oblivious of the way you yourself do the same, right? I bet my right arm that the feeling’s mutual.

Obviously not, Baekhyun had said, but secretly, he hoped that Kyungsoo was right.

“Iseul,” he began, and she jumped a little beside him.

“Yeah?” The way she stared questioningly at him made his heart skip a beat, and once again, he was dying to know if Kyungsoo’s words held even a bit of truth.

He was, at once, at a lost for words. He didn’t know what to say, how to confess, how to tell her. It was possible -- very -- that he was making the worst mistake of his life if he were to actually, but he would never know if he kept his mouth shut. Baekhyun just stared at her; she was pretty -- not that he hadn’t noticed before -- but it was like it had just dawned on him. Not