Kyungsoo knew for a long time things just weren’t right with him. It started with little things, really, where he noticed how a boy’s figure could easily interest him more than a girl’s ever could. It was times like where he couldn’t understand the hype of s in the locker rooms and when he had to stop showering with the rest of the other boys when he realized that he wasn’t like them. No, Kyungsoo and his questioning uality was a new experiment he didn’t want to play around with.

He looked at everything differently. His friends weren’t ever concerned in the things he would always think about. He didn’t get how they could look at a woman for hours because to Kyungsoo, it was just a woman; something that wasn’t too important to him. He would skim through adult magazines at night, waiting, hoping for that feeling to come over him so he could confirm he was normal, like his friends. For years, nothing ever did happen those nights.

It wasn’t until high school passed by that Kyungsoo's little gears in his brain started turning. It was when he was fifteen he understood that this wasn’t going to change and whatever it was about himself that made him just that different than the other boys, Kyungsoo accepted it. But he never told anyone. Even though Kyungsoo had plenty of friends he just couldn’t ever connect with anyone strong enough to come out to them.

Kyungsoo stayed lonely, putting those urges in the back of his mind. There were times he met someone that made him slightly lightheaded and kept him up late at night thinking about all the possibilities, and though he wanted to do something—anything—about all those feelings, Kyungsoo knew it would never work out. Homouals just weren’t all that welcomed in this town, Kyungsoo would remind himself all the time.

Ignoring these feelings made Kyungsoo numb on the inside a bit. It was a fatal flaw, Kyungsoo never felt attached to anyone. And to Kyungsoo, Jongin was just another person to walk into his life for a bit but then walk away like he never meant anything to them in the first place. He beat himself up for staying up past midnight thinking about those small talks and the way Jongin almost gleamed at times.

Kyungsoo couldn’t help himself.

Today was a cloudy day. The winter was approaching for South Korea and just like every year, Kyungsoo never wanted to leave his warm bed to brace the cold. But he had to, he had missed enough school this semester already. Kyungsoo rose from the warmth and slowly walked out of his bedroom to greet his parents. His feet dragged him to the kitchen where orange juice was already sitting on the black counter, waiting for him.

He liked that Jongin was so supportive. They hadn’t even known each other that long but there Jongin was, at Kyungsoo's grandmother’s funeral. He cracked a smile against the glass cup that was pressed against his lips, thinking of that day and replaying it all over again. He remembered all the times he noticed Jongin during school, not thinking much of him. But it was different now.

“You look a little happier than usual this morning, Kyungsoo.” His mother approached him with a grin. Her eyes looked sunken slightly but they had been like that ever since Kyungsoo could remember anything. He hugged her lightly before taking another sip of his juice.

“I just slept really well.” Kyungsoo replied. It wasn’t a complete lie. Shuffling back to his room with the glass still in one hand he swiftly changed into his school uniform. He returned with the now empty glass then grabbed some fruit for his breakfast to eat on the way to school.

Saying goodbye to his parents, Kyungsoo left the apartment and took the elevator to the first floor of the tall residential building standing straight from the city grounds. Staring at those metal gray sliding doors in the elevator, his mind wandered off, and he thought of the real reason behind his smile.

It was the dream he remembered from the previous night. It wasn’t very vivid because Kyungsoo never had vivid dreams, but it was enough to comprehend. He could see a hand with a wrist then up to an elbow. There was a whole arm now attached to a shoulder. There was a face to the full torso now. Kim Jongin looked back at Kyungsoo, almost longingly. The dark brown eyes, that were just like Kyungsoo's, stared back at him in silence but in harmony altogether. There was no sound, there was no one else around. It was just Kim Jongin. Kim Jongin was becoming Do Kyungsoo's dream one gaze, one word, one day, one look at a time.

When days pass, it was clear that there was something different. Kyungsoo found himself around Jongin more than necessary. Maybe it was because Chanyeol still hadn’t returned to school that made Jongin lonelier. Maybe it was because Jongin liked being around Kyungsoo as much as he liked being with Jongin.

No, probably not, Kyungsoo thought.

Jongin always had something to talk about. Despite his quiet appearance and body language, Jongin always had something on his mind. Kyungsoo never minded listening and he learned so much just by talking to this kid that once wasn’t much had suddenly took Kyungsoo by storm. Everything about Jongin had seemed so genuine. Jongin was a bit different than wat most were.

“I’ve learned a lot through my illness,” Jongin pointed out one day after soccer practice was over.

“Like what?” Kyungsoo asked.

“Like how long an organ can stay alive when someone dies. It’s amazing, really. People think that once someone dies, it’s all over but it’s not. A heart alone can beat up to ten hours when stored for donating.” Jongin thought about things he used to research when he first started going through the process of joining the national donor list.

Kyungsoo was impressed by the fact, too. Then he wondered about other things as well, “why are you sick?”

Jongin asked himself if he should really tell him. It was a bit personal but it was worth mentioning, he guessed. “My mother smoked when she was pregnant with me.”

“Ah, I remember. A birth defect,” Kyungsoo mumbled as he leaned back on the metal bleacher seat behind him. “So you can’t do much without having an attack?”

“Right,” Jongin nodded to the other’s question.

For a minute, Kyungsoo pitied him. He pitied the boy because his life has probably been so restricted and constantly monitored. That what was Chanyeol was for, Kyungsoo remembered.

“Are you going to see Chanyeol today?”

Jongin quickly shook his head, “no, I’m heading home. Things have just been a little… off about him.”

“Huh?” Kyungsoo wondered. “I never thought I’d hear that from you, Jongin.” He poked fun at the other and while Jongin did agree and laugh along there was that nagging feeling inside, telling him over and over that things were not the same with the two. It was the tone in Chanyeol’s voice when Jongin was at the hospital almost a week earlier.

No, it would be fine, Jongin thought to himself. Everything was fine between the two. He was just reading too much into it all. When Kyungsoo noticed Jongin hadn’t said anything at all, things turned a bit awkward. He wondered if he had made the other upset.

“I think I should get home,” Kyungsoo brought up. Jongin’s head perked up immediately when he heard the older speak.

“Right, me too.”

When Jongin travelled home that day there was an unsettling sixth sense he felt. It was dark but the streetlights above him beamed down to glow up the pavement. However, it wasn’t enough to make Jongin feel safe. There was something that was bothering him and for a minute he stopped to look around.

He didn’t know what to look for but maybe anything that was out of the ordinary would help. At first, he didn’t spot anything. Jongin slowly looked back down at his phone but when the voices came from behind, Jongin quickly his heel. In the distance he could see two figures walking down the street. Already worried, Jongin spotted a well-lit store down the road. He quickly walked to the building.

Once inside, the vendor greeted him. Jongin was too occupied to reply as he made his way to the back of one of the rows of the convenient store. He tried to knock the paranoia out of his head by looking at drinks that were held in the back. He read out all the labels to himself until he heard a door push open.

When Jongin met eyes with one of the boys, a cold shiver shot through his body. He made his way to the hallway that was to his left, rushed into the bathroom for only one and locked the door. The look that boy gave him had freaked him out. For a bit, Jongin pressed his back to the wall parallel with the now locked bathroom door.

Maybe what Chanyeol had said was getting to Jongin. He thought back to what he had said days before. These days had been bothering him as he started to regret ever doing that to Jongdae. He didn’t want to admit it but he was growing more terrified each day.

When minutes pass in silence, Jongin takes it as a sign that everything was fine. Turning the faucet on he let the water run through his barely shaking hands. He brought the liquid to his face and splashed it onto his skin. His wet reflection was reassuring. But when he reached for the paper towel roll, Jongin broke out into sheer panic.

There was banging. The banging wouldn’t stop. The door was moving from the force that was coming from the other side. Jongin jumped two fee off the ground, afraid for his life. He put himself in a corner and pulled his phone out, ready to call the police. Outside the doors he heard those boys screaming for him to come out. He heard the old man running the store, yelling at the boys to leave, threatening to call the cops.

Jongin couldn’t even comprehend what the boys were shouting. He just plugged his ears with his damp palms and sunk to the floor. He waited for all this to just stop. His hands shook against his ears and his fingers tangled into his thick, black hair.

It was Chanyeol’s first time in school in a long time. It was three days after Jongin’s incident. He remembered that so clearly. Though he hadn’t found out until the following day he could see how Jongin was still so shaken up over it all. Chanyeol reminded himself he really needed to get a new phone soon.

However, he couldn’t do anything but tell Jongin that it would be okay. That from now on they would walk home every day no matter what. Chanyeol would get Jongin to his apartment building in one piece. And it was Jongdae that was doing this, without a doubt. Without a doubt in Chanyeol’s mind, he wasn’t going to lose Jongin to the fear that Jongdae was trying to do.

There was something that had to be done about him. Chanyeol didn’t know what but it was going to be something big. Those thoughts raced through his head every day. His spoon the plate with more than necessary force that day at lunch.

Jongin noticed but never said anything.

Days after that was the same for the two. Even though they were together almost 24/7, they didn’t say much to one another. Jongin felt the rift growing between the two but he could never think of something to say. On those walks home, the both stared at the ground in silence. They looked at anything but each other. They thought about everything else but each other.

These days droning by had got Chanyeol thinking. Thinking about that space forming between Jongin and him was so evident but words couldn’t form in his head to speak. Things weren’t the same. Things had been different for a while, for months really. It was this year that Chanyeol changed completely as a person. Because along with others, Chanyeol wasn’t one to live a completely open, exposed life.

It turned Friday so suddenly for Chanyeol. Friday wasn’t like every other day. It was Friday and almost every Friday came a small gift for getting though the week successfully. After Jongin tells him goodbye at the bus stop they share at approximately 5:54 PM almost every day, Chanyeol’s heart twists in a feeling of pleasure but also guilt. Seeing the back of Jongin turn to him almost sent shivers. It was real and it was here. Chanyeol quickly walked home which was in the opposite direction and raced to his bedroom. There, his computer waited. He furiously pecked away at the keyboard.

This was a time in Chanyeol’s life where he was also confused and suppressed and began to doubt himself and his identity. It was when he finished typing those words to send that message that he understood how crooked he truly was. Jongin knew nothing even though they spent so much time together, even though Jongin did so much for Chanyeol while he was hurt, this was something that just couldn’t be spoken out of Chanyeol’s mouth.

He waited by his desk. He ignored his parents when they asked if he was going to eat dinner. He always wondered if maybe Jongin ever caught onto these things. The times where Chanyeol seemed impatient and the times where Chanyeol lied to Jongin, saying his parents wouldn’t allow a sleepover. It was these times that Chanyeol remembered how pathetic of a friend he was. For a while, Chanyeol sat in silence, occasionally rubbing his mouth slightly from light pains that pinged through his jaw every so often.

In the silence, there came a doorbell ring. In the silence, there were voices. There were footsteps and there was a door opening. The door would close and in the silence, Chanyeol felt the presence of that other person. He heard that voice.

“How are you feeling?” He would ask. Chanyeol turned slowly to look at that face that looked almost as guilty as Chanyeol felt in his heart. But when Chanyeol let those feelings go, it wasn’t guilt or regret anymore. It wasn’t fear and feeling pathetic. It became love, happiness, completion…

“Baekhyun, I’m sorry I couldn’t call you. I still haven’t gotten a new phone.”

“It’s fine,” Baekhyun replied as he placed his backpack on Chanyeol’s floor by the door. “It’s nice to see you doing well, though.” Baekhyun’s words could cure any broken heart, any searing hatred, Chanyeol thought. A smile reserved only for Baekhyun budded on Chanyeol’s light pink lips. It was these rare Fridays that Chanyeol could finally unwind.

Chanyeol and his secret boyfriend laid in bed together to stare at the ceiling above them and to talk about their weeks. Of course they talked about how they were both so happy that Chanyeol had left hospital care finally. They laughed and joked at the times where it was so difficult to see each other when Jongin was almost always around.

Though, when Jongin’s name was mentioned, it stung a bit in Chanyeol’s throats. He could never completely forget what he was doing behind his best friend’s back. He would always remember that even though Jongin was go-to person for absolutely anything he just wasn’t the right person for this. These thoughts pulled at Chanyeol, an achy feeling came over him.

Baekhyun noticed the conversation end abruptly. He looked over to the boy next to him and knew immediately what was going on in that kid’s head, “We will tell him eventually.”

Chanyeol’s head turned to the side, meeting Baekhyun’s gaze, “I know.”

“… When?”

“I’m not sure, just not now.” Chanyeol quickly replied.

Baekhyun sighed, “How many times have you said that? It’s been four mon—”

 “Just not right now,” the taller snapped back. Baekhyun’s mouth clasped shut after that. When the mood changed for the worst, Chanyeol looked back again at Baekhyun and apologized. He reached his arm around the other to pull his close. Their foreheads softly collided and they stared at each for a few seconds.

“Jongin will understand,” Baekhyun reminded Chanyeol but he didn’t feel like staying on the topic. When Chanyeol’s slightly shaking lips gently moved across Baekhyun’s, the small talk ended entirely. It had been a while for the two to be alone in a room of quietness. Baekhyun’s hand reached for Chanyeol’s, which was wrapped around his neck, to hold it. The kiss was short and sweet. Chanyeol had begun to wonder just how long he had been wanting this moment.

There was a knock at the door that startled the two. Baekhyun quickly removed himself from the space beside Chanyeol. He sat up completely before the door creaked open. There stood Chanyeol’s mother looking in almost worriedly.

“Chanyeol, are you sure you don’t want dinner?”

a/n: well, this chapter was a bit unexpected I bet.