The crisp morning air bit at the bare arms of Jongin. He wished he brought his jacket after all, but let it go. He spent the weekend with Chanyeol, of course, just watching the hours pass by while watching television, or playing video games until the early morning. It was his favorite way to waste the weekend away. But it was a little different this time.

Jongin, while he didn't want to think of it too much, he couldn't help but wonder why the incident happened on Friday's late afternoon. He didn't want to admit anything, because it would've been just too weird. And he never would speak to Chanyeol about it, so he was just alone on this. Why did Kyungsoo make him feel the way he does? Nervousness, maybe... Something else--but no, it couldn't be that.

Jongin didn't like guys.

He loved everything about girls; their hair and how it was always so soft, or how girls always smelled like flowers or berries. Jongin knew for fact that it wasn't like that, he had never felt like this for a guy.

But, neither for a girl...

Jongin became conflicted.

Chanyeol and Jongin met each other at the bus stop they ended up at every morning at the same time. His previous thoughts made Jongin become uneasy, so he decided to turn away without saying hello. Chanyeol didn't think much of it. Jongin’s eyebrow raised in question, however, when he noticed something not so normal.

“Where’s Sehun? Baekhyun? Jongdae?” Jongin asked, looking around ever so slightly to see if he would just so happen meet another’s face in the busy city’s crowds.

Chanyeol just shook his head, “probably not going to speak to me ever again.”

“What happened?”

“Well,” Chanyeol sighed, “I’ve just grown tired of Jongdae.”

Quickly, Jongin understood. He knew how Chanyeol was and how Jongdae was, they always clashed for some reasons. “Got it,” was all Jongin replied with. “Not even Sehun or Baekhyun will talk to you?”

“I guess not,” Chanyeol shrugged his shoulders before his attention turned to the approaching city bus. The two formed into the line that the small crowd made, they ended up sitting in two seats beside each other. When they started discussing a variety of things, the bus began to move but suddenly stopped, causing the two and most of the other passengers to jerk.

Two other boys stepped onto the bus, breathing heavily.

“Ah, Chanyeol look,” Jongin’s head cocked a bit to the two others making their way toward him and his taller friend. Chanyeol’s eyes travelled up to see Baekhyun, with Sehun right behind. He didn’t know what to do then.

“Hey, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun waved a little as he and Sehun sat in the two seats in front of Jongin and Chanyeol. “I hope you aren’t too worked up still from the other day.”

“Mm, not really, no. I’d be more worried about Jongdae, though.” Chanyeol said. Sehun, Baekhyun, and Jongin all couldn’t help but agree.

“Yeah, he’s still a bit mad. You should’ve seen him after you left, you could see the steam coming out of his ears.” Sehun joked but at the same time they all knew it was a little true. Jongdae would always let things get to him so easily and his grudges all stuck to him.

Jongin rolled his eyes as he thought about Jongdae. Jongdae’s personality itself was a good reason why Jongin left that group. It was something about his arrogance, cockiness… something just put Jongin off a little and always seemed to annoy him. And he wasn’t the only one.

“Why do you guys still hang out with Jongdae?” Jongin suddenly asked. For a second, Baekhyun and Sehun both were a bit surprised that the other even acknowledged them. And honestly, they didn’t know how to answer that question. Baekhyun and Sehun just stared at each other for a bit, but never said anything. They just shrugged. Maybe it was how happy things could be. Maybe it was something else, but whatever it was, it was worth it.

Jongin had questions that couldn’t be answered. Like, why was it him that had to be sick? So sick that he could almost die from just about anything that makes him feel alive? Why was it his parents that… did those things..? Those things that made Jongin the way he was. If things could’ve just been different…

“Are you okay?” Sehun asked, Jongin broke himself out of his thoughts just as a quick tear dropped. He must’ve noticed the glassy film that covered Jongin’s eyes, and maybe the shaking of his chin.

“I’m fine, there’s stuff in my eyes.” Jongin rubbed his eyes hard with shaking but warm palms.

Chanyeol’s hand pulled Jongin’s head to his, and he felt a bit better. Chanyeol knew what he was thinking of because Jongin always thought of these things.

“It’s really cold this morning.” Chanyeol said, trying to get the attention off of Jongin who was clearly crying.

Baekhyun and Sehun agreed before growing quietly to mind their own businesses for the rest of the ride to school.

When Chanyeol stayed after practice that day, Jongin didn't mind as much. It's just that he had never done it before. With Chanyeol sitting by them on the cold, steel bench while sharing a snack together, he began to think. Jongin noticed.

“How many times in a day do you think, 'you know, I wish I knew how to do this... or that...'?” And for a second, Jongin looked at him like he was speaking another language. What was this about?

“Hm, plenty of times. Too many to count some days.” Jongin replied.

Chanyeol just nodded before looking down at the plastic bag that was almost empty. He passed it to Jongin's noticeably cold hands then stood from his seat.

“I'll teach you something, then.” Chanyeol said finally. With a spare soccer ball in one hand, he guided Jongin to the field. Maybe he was afraid something would happen. Jongin wanted to reject the offer but the words just couldn't make it out of his throat fast enough. When the soccer ball landed on the green grass, Chanyeol quickly got to showing Jongin how to dribble the ball between his two feet. The ball, cross-hatching through Chanyeol's two feet, seemed to mesmerize Jongin.

For the next hour or so, while the sun set quietly behind subtle clouds, Chanyeol and Jongin kicked the ball to one another or kicked it into a goal (of course Jongin had to take a break or two). And for once, Jongin felt pretty accomplished with himself.

Soon, stars began to flicker in the sky. The temperature became much cooler, but neither of the boys seemed to care. It's not like they had anywhere to be. They sat by each other, enjoying the silence but also the company one another.

“Do you ever think about what it would be like to be someone else?” Chanyeol wondered.

Jongin thought it was maybe rhetorical, but answered anyway. “All the time.”

“Really?" The other asked back. “Who?"

Jongin's throat tightened up, his mouth dried up, sweat immediately formed on his forehead. Why was he nervous again? He couldn't put his finger on it.

“You,” Jongin said, but the way the word said as it parted from his lips just didn't sound all that convincing. Was Jongin lying? He didn't know, he couldn't tell. He couldn't admit.

Chanyeol's eyebrows raised in slight surprise, “why?”

Why, why, why.

“Mm,” Jongin began to think, “You’re liked by a lot of people. You're athletic, the best soccer player on our school's team.” He paused... “You're easy to talk to, you're a great friend.” Of course, that wasn't all. Jongin could go on forever about how Chanyeol has saved his plenty of times and has made him feel like a million bucks.

But, it just didn't sound real. The truth, it wasn't there completely.

Jongin felt like he understood but pushed it far, far back.

Chanyeol almost laughed at Jongin, like it was some sort of love confession. “I like you like a friend, Jongin, I'm not gay.”

“Shut up, I'm not trying to say that!” Jongin's cheeks flushed to a light pink at the teasing from his friend. “I'm not... that.” And that sounded weird coming from him. The taller turned curious when he noticed how off Jongin had been acting; possibly all day. However, Chanyeol didn't want to make things tense or to make Jongin upset like he always does. But, he couldn't help but wonder what was actually going on.

It was quiet for a while. Wind whistled and leaves sung with it. The sun was behind trees at this point, painting the sky in colors that no one could ever recreate.

“I'm not... gay, Chanyeol.” Jongin said. Every time, the word got tangled up inside him.

“I was joking, Jongin.”

Neither of them said anything else after that.

That night, Jongin had an odd dream. It made him wonder how dreams come about. Are they from things you think about? Suppressed thoughts and fears? Why was this happening to him so suddenly?

He found himself in that familiar room again. The locker room. Everything was dark, but Jongin just knew where he was. But then, things were not so dark. Objects started to take shape, like, a bench. Lockers. Steel beams that ran across the ceiling. Jongin knew why he had to be here. He turned to his left, looking down a locker aisle, to see a silhouette come into view.

Sitting hunched over, Kyungsoo's head raised from the shadow that was casted from the light above him.

Jongin froze. Either he wanted to or was against his will, he couldn't tell.

But the expression in Kyungsoo's eyes pierced through Jongin entirely, sending shivers down his spine, throughout his body. Every feeling Jongin could feel when awake was in this small span of what seemed to be just a few minutes. He was scared, lost, confused... mesmerized.

“You're... not...” Kyungsoo would repeat over and over again. His voice would trail off each time and Jongin just needed to get a little closer to complete the sentence. He just had to. When Jongin took a few steps toward Kyungsoo, the other stood from his place which caused Jongin to hesitate. It was a dream but it was so... real. And when Jongin lost sight of Kyungsoo in the slit of darkness between the two, his head cocked to the side in question.

You're not gay.

Jongin repeated it to a mirror of himself. It wasn't Kyungsoo anymore, it wasn't his voice or his stare, his posture anymore. It was Jongin. Jongin is not gay. Over and over, Jongin reassured himself until he couldn't talk anymore, until he lost his voice.

Needless to say, he woke up in the morning with a headache. The dream frightened him to knowing he had to do something about all this. Getting out of bed, he quickly put on his newly ironed uniformed, then quickly walked over to fix his collar. Jongin almost scared himself with the reflection. Jongin remembered the odd dream and he remembered what he said so many times for what seemed like forever.

This can't last any longer, Jongin thought. He didn't know what, but he would figure something out soon. With that final thought, he gathered his books and bag and left the dark apartment.

a/n: sorry if this is too corny lol. the font has been messing up with this chapter, i don't know why! please excuse it.