Folding my arms over the rooftop’s railing, I let the light wind toss my hair. The sun and warm weather that day was a reminder that spring was settling in finely as the first week of April had come. I glanced down towards the road, knowing where I was standing exactly. I remembered that day as if it had just happened yesterday.

I sighed deeply, asking myself again what I was doing out on the rooftop. It held significant memories for me that were hard to erase. This was where Luhan had brought me fruit cake and apologized. The spot I was standing on was the exactly place where he first kissed me and told me he loved me. Maybe I somehow convinced myself that if I confronted these memories head on, I could deal with them easier. That wasn’t a bright idea.

Turning to walk a few steps away, I sat down on one of the chairs to pull out my phone. Re-reading the email from my mother, I could make out that she was reminding me that I would be graduating that month. She wanted to make sure I was still aware of her suggestion of coming back to live with her in San Francisco. At the same time, my mother managed to spread that reminder like it was a subliminal message in between her little stories. The last I’ve heard of her was that her boyfriend moved in. At least he was keeping her company because I couldn’t.

“San Francisco…” I mumbled to myself. That place was once home.

I hadn’t really fully debated my mother’s offer. Was that the right thing to do? To just start over and move to a different country? I could leave everything behind. I could forget what had happened. I could stop being reminded of what I lost.

Tucking my phone away to dismiss the email for now, I picked up the book I had brought with me and continued where I left off. I’d reply to my mother later. With music blasting through my eardrums, I got rid of the sound of traffic. The light was immediately cut off and I wondered where the sun had went. As soon as I looked up however, my question was answered.

Hyejung stood in front of me, the look on her face unreadable. Her lips didn’t move and she wasn’t saying anything. Wanting to break the silence first, I pulled out my earphones and mumbled, “Hi, what are you doing here?”

“I’m moving back in.”

“That’s great. Welcome back.” I put my book down, genuinely surprised. It had been another week since I last saw her at Seolhyun’s house. What persuaded her to decide on not ignoring me for the rest of her life?

“It’s not going to be so quiet anymore, just to warn you.” She grinned.

“I don’t mind.”

“Were you…?” Hyejung swallowed. “Honestly Jinah, I only let you stay in the house for that long because I wanted to hear how miserable I made you feel. I wanted to see you yell at me and cry in front of me.”

I managed to not flinch at her words.

“I’m really sorry. I let a boy get in between us. Why did I even start that stupid bet? I know Luhan loves you too—”

“Save it.” I stood and interrupted her before I could feel anymore pity for myself. “I feel perfect.”

Both of us knew that was a lie.

“Jinah?”

I dog-eared the page on the book where I last read. “Yeah?”

“Just go for him,” Hyejung blurted. In surprise, I stared. Was this really Hyejung or someone else? Maybe I was seeing things—some side effect to all this grief and heartache. “It’s stupid how I even got so hung up over him. I don’t think he’s my type anymore. He’s right for you, okay?”

“No I can’t.”

“Look, I know I messed it up—”

“You didn’t do anything, Hyejung.”

She ignored me and continued. “But it’s never too late. It never is. Talk to him. Explain to him. I know you have a lot to tell him.”

I hung my head and stared at the ground. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore. There was no more energy left. So much was taken out of me already. I was glad Hyejung was back, but it was foolish to even try and fix all of the damage like some miracle that everything could be normal again.

She touched my shoulder. “Could you think about it at least?”

“Sure.”

Whether Hyejung knew I only agreed because I wanted to drop the conversation or not, she went along with it and silently left me to myself up at the rooftop.

I don’t know what compelled me to listen to Hyejung’s advice, but there I was.

Stopping abruptly on my tracks, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I made sure to take the time to appreciate how fresh the night air was and how the silence in the neighborhood peacefully left me to my thoughts. Up ahead on the street was the Coffee Republic café. I finally wanted to talk to Luhan, I decided. I needed to.

I was up and out of the apartment at eleven o’clock at night in no particular mood to sleep, and I wondered if that was just some excuse I told myself for me to go Coffee Republic during closing hours. If I took Minseok’s word for it, Luhan was supposed to be inside and just about to end his shift.

Maybe I was just tired of knowing he’d be angry at me for the rest of his life. Maybe the selfish part of me wanted him back again. I was fed up with pretending he didn’t exist when I knew he’s left a too large of an impact on my life for him to disappear so quickly and without a scar.

Breathing steadily and stuffing my cold hands further into my pocket, I closed the distance between the front door and me. I stared at the glass, wondering when I’d have the guts to push it open. Surely he was inside. I could feel it. Even if it was just to see him for a second, it was okay. That would be good enough for me.

Before I could convince myself to not go through with my plan, I pushed the door open.

Luhan was there—partially in his uniform while he occupied himself with a stack of papers in front of him on a table’s surface as he sat. I only knew I made a noise when I came in because he reflectively lifted his head at the sound. The back of my throat hurt when I locked gazes him with, barely hearing the door behind me shut. There was nothing in his expression I could determine, which was weird because I knew him so well that I could read him like an open book. Now it felt like we had just started over.

“We’re closed. You’ll have to leave and come back another time.”

Just like that, Luhan dismissed me and returned to fretting over the work in front of him. Something jabbed at my chest. Somehow, I didn’t imagine those to be his first words to me. He was treating me like a stranger. Of course. What was I even expecting? I didn’t come there expecting that he’d go running to me. And after what I’d done...

I decided to speak up anyway. “You’re mad at me, I know. But before you can kick me out, I just need to let something out.”

He spoke without looking at me. “About the bet: was it true or not?”

“It’s true, but listen—”

“Then there’s nothing more to say, right? You lied and that’s it.”

I didn’t know he was even capable of seeping out so much venom into his words until he had my legs feeling like useless jelly.

He swallowed, daring himself to continue speaking. “You don’t have to feel sorry for me. Don’t look at me like I’m pathetic.”

Seeing the life practically drained out of him hurt me maybe as much as it hurt him. “But that’s just it. I never lied to you about how I felt. I’m really not that good of an actor. I can’t just make those actions and words up from thin air. Sure I was part of a bet and honestly I came back that day at this café when we first had a real conversation so I could ask if we could hang out, but after a while...”

Luhan seemed to not be listening to me as he sorted through the papers and didn’t even look up, but I continued anyway.

“After a while I forgot about the bet. I just wanted to see you every day. I loved being around you. And that day...” I took in a shaky breath. “That day I thought you left for Beijing without telling me, I was devastated. I thought I didn’t even matter to you. The bet came with five rules, and suddenly I was breaking them. I knew I liked you.”

“Jinah...” His voice made it sound like it pained him to talk. It comforted me to know that he at least listened to me. He wasn’t paying attention to the work in front of him anymore. I waited for him to tell me to stop talking or to beg for me to leave, but he said nothing after my name.

There was a lump in my throat and I fought back a cry. “But everything I told you and how I felt about you, that was beyond the bet. I didn’t see you because of some game. I just needed to. I honestly did.” I took a careful step towards him. He still seemed far away though the distance was merely seven feet. “I know it’s easy to think I was lying because I didn’t tell you, but I never lied about saying I love you—”

“But you didn’t tell me the truth. It’s the same as lying.”

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