Chapter 11: Yugyeom

I gripped my shirt after waking up. Looking at myself in the mirror, I realised how messed up my life was. The heavy feeling in my chest would not go away and for days I found myself being drowned in the recurring nightmares.

It always started off with a sudden meeting with my leader. His brunet hair shone in the dim light, his pale, imperfection-free face glowed each time he smiled at me. It started off like a dream until we came face to face. Each meeting was in that alleyway where he died and each time we met up, his happy-go-lucky persona would immediately change. 

"Why didn't you save me?" his dark, pained voice would ask. His body would morph into a corpse where his left eye socket was empty as blood stained his face. His fingers were long, bony and green as his rough hands wrapped around my neck. He was choking me. 

"You could have saved me! Why didn't you?" his grip tightened and I found myself gasping for air. "Why did you let me die? Why did you let that murderer kill me?"

Every night I would wake up, gasping for air and my hand would be stretched out. The silent screams that no one but myself could hear created fear within me. I never wanted to sleep after the loss of my leader. Infact, none of us were able to sleep except for my sister (But the dark circles under her eyes were noticeable for the first few days) as she wasn't very close with GOT7. She was shocked of course after witnessing the terrifying scene but she continued on with her life. 

Mark was stunned after reading Jaebeom's will. The oldest member was the newly appointed leader and he couldn't help but break down knowing that one of his close friends was gone. Reality hit Jackson hard since he had no one to yell at him anymore when he made erted jokes. His hyena laugh was missing for the whole week. Bam Bam cried for the first few days but he became our vitamin that kept everyone going. Youngjae was also quick to recover from the shock.

After admitting to us at the hospital that he was emotionally attached to the older, Jinyoung never came out of his room (the funeral was the only exception). This worried everyone because he used to live with Jaebeom and after he died, the younger male was living alone. He never came out to eat and every time Mark leaned against the boy's room door, he could hear sobbing along with heavy metal music in the background. It was crushing to hear that Jinyoung's crush and best friend was gone.

"He must blaming himself," sighed Youngjae. We were currently visiting the brunet after school. Mark continued banging on Jinyoung's door, yelling for him to open up. No one knew about Jinyoung's feelings but I knew that if Jaebeom was still alive, his feelings would be reciprocated. That night was supposed to be the night where Jaebeom would confess to Jinyoung. 

Sora came over a few hours after with a toolbox in hand and my sister trailing behind. "If he doesn't come out, his door will." And so, we all grabbed a screwdriver and started unscrewing Jinyoung's door. At six o’clock, we managed to get the door down and silently, Mark entered the room. It was empty and kind of dark since the blinds were closed. He tiptoed around until we heard him gasp loudly and he called for us to call an ambulance. I ran into the washroom that connected to Jinyoung's room and found Mark picking up his body from the ground.

"He must have passed out from exhaustion and lack of food," Mark explained.

"It's hard for him," my sister whispered, watching the paramedics pull up. They hooked him up to an IV drip before shoving his body into the ambulance. 

"I'll go follow," offered Youngjae. Mark and my sister climbed into the vehicle, where the three drove off.

"We need to find a way for him to cheer up," cried Bam. 

"He can't continue to be like this." Sora mumbled, "It's not good for his health."

"Let's throw him a party," offered Jackson. Usually Jinyoung wasn't that big of a party person but knowing how depressed he was, the rest of us agreed and headed towards the store.

Sora and I were assigned decoration while the other two headed towards the food aisles. We argued over banners and color scheme but in the end, Sora won.

"You really ," she grumbled as I towered over her petite figure. She struggled to grab the confetti and ribbons but refused my help. In the end, I grabbed the bags but the mistake that I made was giving them to her. Our fingers brushed and a spark lit me up. 

I don't want to feel like this... I-I can't. 

Pushing the packets, I walked off with her following behind me as she yelled. "What's wrong with you!" I kept walking until she grabbed my arm and swung me around.

No, don't do that! 

"Stop acting like a spoiled brat! What the hell's wrong with you!" She let go of my red arm and her eyes glistened with tears forming. . I made her cry!

"Sorry I-I..." I was lost for words. Never in my life have I felt so guilty. 

"I just want to be friends but you always act like a ."

Friends. That word stabbed my heart.

"Why do you keep pushing me away?" her voice wavered as she walked away. Jackson walked up to me, looking back at the crying girl and shook his head.

"What did you do this time?" his voice was full of disappointment.

"Its nothing," I said, walking away. He kept pestering me but all I could thinking about was Sora and how much fun she was having with Bam Bam. It wasn't fair.

The moment my sister and I stepped into Jinyoung's house the next day, Mark called, telling us that the rest were coming back. Jackson, being the hyperactive kid he was, yelled at us while we hung up decorations. 

"No, its not symmetrical!" Bam Bam was such a perfectionist. "Sora move it to the left... No the right. I said to the left!" I rolled my eyes and lifted up the square brown table that was in her way. Jackson looked at me with a grin but I rolled my eyes, avoiding his wiggling eyebrows.

"Yugyeom..." I looked at her while she brushed back her hair, "Can I talk to you?"

I looked away as my cheeks heated up. Jackson let out a low cat whistle and I growled at him. "Sure, be right there." I slapped Jackson's back before walking off and into the bathroom. My hands started to sweat as the door closed. I felt claustrophobic. 

"Look... Jackson... Jackson told me that.." she started and I froze with my fist clenched. That stupid Wang puppy. "He told me that... you," she swallowed," like me."

I looked at her, taking a step forward but halting as she moved back. I knew what her decision was and I looked away. 

"I'm sorry Gyeom," she said. "I don't feel the same way."

"Then why talk to me?" I started, "Why confront me and talk to me in private?" I tried to mask my feelings. This is what I want, isn't it?

"I..." she was lost for words.

"That's alright. I didn't even want to be friends with you anyways," I walked away with a heavy heart.

Throughout the party, the both of us ignored each other and everyone else seemed to have noticed the tension in the air. Breaking the ice, Saehee asked Jackson where Mark and Jinyoung were. 

"In Jinyoung's room, talking" he briefly replied. Bam Bam yelled at the older and threw the PSP control. The two tried to make everything seem normal but I knew that it wouldn't happen anytime soon so I excused myself and went home. 

Mom asked me why I was back so early but I gave her a weak smile. Entering my dark room, I closed the door and slouched against the bed. 

Is this what I really want?