I haven’t had any enthusiasm for after parties but it’s not like I can skip this event even if I wanted to. I had a few non-alcoholic drinks but the atmosphere felt stuffy. I went out to get some fresh air but my solitude was short-lived.

“So in the end, you still went back to him, huh?”

I turned my head to see Jung Jinwoon. Don’t tell me he still has a thing for my “girl.” How long has it been? 

“Yeah. I guess so. Why, still not over me?” I joked around, though I’m more irritated with the fact that he’s suddenly trying to gain sympathy.

“I’m afraid you’re right.” He admitted.

I knew it. I knew he still has feelings for Hyun even if he claimed otherwise. 

“It’s about time you grow out of whatever it is you feel for Hyu, I mean, for me.” I snapped.

“I wish it were that easy, but you made it harder for me when you said you’d try and give us a chance.” He said.

What? Seo Joohyun said what?!

“I said that?!” I asked in surprise.

“What’s Jung Yonghwa’s jersey number during the IAC?” He asked out of nowhere.

“11.” I answered immediately.

“See. You could remember even that but not the moment you promised to give us a chance. I really must’ve lost to him, right? He’s always the winner when it comes to you…” he said sadly. I almost feel sorry for him. 

“You know that I tried very hard, right? I became friends with you. I tried to get close to your oppas. Heck, I even had a rock song as my concept for my solo debut. I did everything I can and I thought I was better at it than him, but in the end, it’s still him you chose. Why Yonghwa? Why can’t it be me?” He asked.

Men are more pabos when it comes to love. My heart bleeds for his unreciprocated feelings but at the same time, I don’t have it in me to completely let Seohyun go even if Jung Jinwoon could love her just as much.

“Because he’s not you…” I replied.

“Why?” He asked, his voice breaking. “He broke your heart, Seohyun-ah. He let you walk away. He gave you up.” 

“He did it because he loved me too much to respect my wishes. He fought for me but I told him I wanted and I needed a break so he let me go.  I wish I could tell you, explain it to you in details, but words aren’t enough. It never will. 

You listen, Jinwoon-ah, and listen well. I…I mean.. Yonghwa oppa…He…he treats me as his equal. He treats me as a queen but he doesn’t worship me to the point that he’d turn a blind eye to my flaws. He tells me that I’m perfect and so, he loved me. He found out later that I wasn’t and yet he loved me even more. He embraced and accepted every flaw and weakness. He’s…I…” 

“Okay.” Jinwoon answered, putting an end to my monologue. 

I knew that hearing that was more than enough to crush his remaining hope and hearing me say those three words would leave him permanently broken. 

“I get it. I…I promise that I’ll really let you go this time. It’s for the best, right? You told me so. Can we still be friends?” He asked.

If it were up to me, I’d say no. It wouldn’t help him at all to move on from her if he remained friends. But then again, I cut off all contact with Hyun and manage to still be in love with her, so who am I to judge?

“Sure.” I said.

He thanked me before excusing himself to go back to the party. I had a similar conversation with N, and the rest of Hyun’s fanboys. So this is what it feels like to reject other people. I mean, I had a fair share of turning down girls but these namjas who approached me are all different. 

There’s nothing flattering at all to have them admire you that much only to break them in return. I feel like a villain but I knew and I knew that they also knew that some things aren’t meant to be. Hey, don’t judge. Just giving fate a helping hand.

“I was foolish oppa, to think we had a chance. That you’d look my way. I guess I really am no match to Seohyun unnie. Jinjja mianhaeyo for being such a bother. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll meet someone better, okay? Just as you told me. Goodbye oppa!”

I wanted to run after her and say sorry but I knew that doing so would only make things worse. I lost count with the number of girls (idols, actresses, fans, etc) who came over to me and cried about “losing” me to SNSD’s Seohyun (aka, myself). They congratulated and wished for my happiness but not without the dramatics involved with it. 

I couldn’t do anything but to maintain my silence and let them do all the talking. Be kind and they’d think you had some concern. Be rude and let them think they need to pursue you more. Whatever it is I’d say, or however I’d react, I’m doomed to be misinterpreted so I deduced that silence guarantees the least unfavourable response. 

I tried to get away from yet another fangirl who’d go on and on about “letting oppa go” “wishing you well” “hope Seohyun unnie loves you!” speech. I’ve had enough of it for awhile now. I need a break. I was in the middle of my escape when unexpectedly, I bumped into someone.

Jessica unnie. I felt myself freeze on the spot, with my eyes glued to her. She was just as astonished as I am and for a moment, we did nothing but to stare at each other. How long has it been since we last met? How many months have passed? Has it been a year already? Or two? 

I could vaguely recall. My memory fails me as images of our past faded into my subconscious. The misery of it all blurred the beautiful memories we once shared. All that’s left in me is the pain. That gaping hole I had in my heart when she left. It doesn’t help either that I am one of the reasons she couldn’t stay in SNSD.

Another moment of silence passed by and seeing as I gave no reaction, she took a step forward. Upon instinct, I blocked her way. What now? Quick, Seohyun! Think! If you don’t have the guts to face her as yourself, then now would be the best time to do it. If not as her once beloved maknae, then maybe as Jung Yonghwa.

I racked my brains hastily and tried to come up with anything. How would Yong oppa respond to this? What would he say? How would Sica unnie react? Does it matter right now, Seohyun-ah? You’re running out of time! Palli say something before she leaves for good!

“Uh well. Ya. If it isn’t my favorite Jung!” I said nervously.

Sica unnie’s tensed shoulders loosened up a bit as she said,

“I thought Soojung was your favorite.”

“Nah. She’s second. You know who’s first.” I replied, trying to sound more natural.

“What about me then?” She laughed nervously.

“Third.” I said. She was about to complain but I just shrugged and said,

“Hey. That’s still pretty high in the ‘favorites’ list so don’t complain, Jung Sooyeon.” 

“JESSICA! We need you back here ASAP!” Someone called her out from the end of the hallway.

“YEAH! I’ll be there in a sec!” She replied. 

I craned my neck to see who it was. My anger boiled seeing the guy who was selfish enough to break a decade of friendship and sisterhood. I know he’s not all to blame for why SNSD is no longer 9, but still, he had a huge part in subtracting the number. I could feel my fists curve into a ball and my body trembling with fury. 

Sica unnie noticed the tension brewing within me and suddenly, the atmosphere was awkward. I didn’t want to waste this stolen moment I had with an unnie I missed a lot so I shook off my biased feelings and decided to focus on the situation.

“Sorry ‘bout that…” I apologized.

“It’s okay. I understand.” She said. She took another step to leave but again, I blocked her.

“I need to go back Yonghwa.” 

“What? Not gonna call me Yong seobang?” I awkwardly. She chuckled and tried to hide her tears but to no avail.

“I know I’m not in a position to say anything…” I began. Please…please don’t let my voice crack! 

“But she misses you, a lot. She hasn’t reached out because she’s afraid that you hate her…that you blame her for agreeing on you no longer being in..uh..SNSD. She’s ashamed of her own for not being strong enough to convince everyone else that there’s got to be another way…she blames herself and cry every night, but she doesn’t even have the guts to tell you anything at all…so..I..uh…I’m speaking on her behalf. 

You might accuse me of being biased, and I promise I’m trying not to be..but…so..uh…I just want you to know…that…t-that…I…I mean…Seohyun. Yeah, Seohyun is..she’s sorry. For everything.” This time, I couldn’t and I didn’t stop my own tears. 

Sica unnie smiled at me so sadly and bit her lip as she said the words I longed to hear.

“I’ll be honest, Yong seobang. I’m still not okay. I think the rest of us feels that way. It wasn’t as painful as it was but I’m still, healing, you know? I…but…uh…just please tell her…tell my Hyunnie that….unnie loves her. Please tell her not to be angry or blame herself. Everyone is at fault and no one should bear the grudge or hurt more than the rest. 

Time heals wounds, as they say so maybe when it’s all okay, perhaps we’d reconcile. As much as it is difficult to believe, but I genuinely miss the members. The maknae especially…” she said. 

This time, the two of us were practically sobbing. 

“I’ll be okay and I hope she is too. Ya you pabo! Don’t ever leave her again, ahrasseo? She loves you to death you know. She’s the best you’ll ever have. I’m sure you regret letting her go the first time so don’t be stupid enough to repeat that mistake. You got me?” She said.

I nodded and tried to smile amidst my tears.

“JESSSICAAA!” the screeching voice filled the hallway. 

Must he really ruin this moment?!

“YEAH I TOLD YOU I’LL BE THERE! GIVE ME TWO MORE MINUTES, OKAY?!” Sica unnie shouted back.

She looked at me and gave me a pat on the shoulder. Just as she started to take a step away, I braved myself for a final request.

“Can I….can I have a hug?” I pleaded. 

She looked at me suspiciously and I am reminded of the reality that right now I am Jung Yonghwa.

“I mean, I need to have something to brag to Seohyun, right? Maybe if I tell her I hugged her Jessica unnie, she’d be jealous enough to reach out to you and demand a hug in return. Don’t flatter yourself, Jung Sooyeon. You’re not my type. ain’t my thing.” I laughed awkwardly. I’m getting better at being Jung Yonghwa as time goes by.

“Yeah whatever.” She answered as she shrugged and gave me a hug. I wanted to hold on to her tighter and tell her everything but time and circumstances are cruel. I have to take what I can get.

“See you around, Yong seobang. Take care of my Hyunnie.” She waved goodbye as she sprinted towards the balding namja waiting for her at the end of the hallway.

“Yeah. See you too.” I whispered. 

I immediately locked myself in the restroom (forgot if it was the men’s or women’s which I entered) and cried my heart out. 

We were back in Korea and a miracle was granted in the form of our three days off. I wanted to do so many things at the same time but Hyoyeon wouldn’t let me forget about the restrictions of being “Seo Joohyun.” 

All four of us were having the usual meeting (so far, none of it produced a favourable outcome) when I decided I could no longer stomach the endless nagging and lecture of SNSD’s dancing queen. 

I only have 72 hours off before SM ships SNSD on a series of SMTown tours along with CF shoots and recordings. If I thought FNC was the expert on killer schedules, then SM is the mastermind. The last thing I need is to be scolded and lectured about stuff I already know.

“….hmmm..maybe you two should just quit it with the hostile act and tell each other your true feelings. Stop being such selfish, egoistic pabos and try this option!” Hyoyeon urged.

When I refused to move a muscle, it was this maknae of mine who dragged me and Hyun until we had no choice but to stand face-to-face. 

“Well? Are you two keen on returning to your own bodies or not?” Hyoyeon said impatiently.

“What kind of a dumb question is that?!” I snapped.

“The kind that’s too dumb for an overly smart person like you, hence, you should give an answer.” Jungshin snorted.

“No? No answer? Ahrasseo. Forget about this!” Hyo threatened as she took her bag and started to walk out.

“Unnie! Wait!” Hyun called her out. The older girl gave me this silent victory smile and I am damned annoyed by it. 

“Oppa. Let’s just try this, okay?” Seohyun said impatiently.

“Fine. I love you.” I said grudgingly. 

I really do, but I am very much annoyed with her unnie and my dongsaeng for those words to come out as sincerely as I hoped it will be.

“loveyoutoo.” She mumbled quickly.

From the corner of my eye, I could see the dismayed expression of Kim Hyoyeon and Lee Jungshin.

“YA! WHAT ARE YOU TWO?! 12?! Say it with feelings you pabos!” Jungshin ordered. Unsatisfied, he went on to rant some more.

“FNC dubbed you as the “EMOTIONAL” one in the band, hyung. Can’t live up to your title? As for you Seohyun-ah…No words can express my disappointment seeing an acting major from a respected university unable to deliver a simple line! 

I thought you two were so proud being in dramas and musicals? You want to break idol acting controversies but you show us what? This pathetic display of “confession?” Ige mwoya?!”

He continued to complain and expose our flaws until Hyun had enough and put a hand on his mouth (using a handkerchief, of course). Once freed, he distanced himself angrily and shouted,

“YA! I said…!” He continued but it was Hyun who interrupted him angrily.

“OKAY! OKAY! WE HEARD WHAT YOU SAID JUNGSHIN CHINGU SO SHUT UP AND LET US CONCENTRATE!” She screamed.