`               I threw my bag on the empty bed of my newly built house, fresh start they say but I don’t feel any beginnings starting. Everything was constant, the same, repeated. Including my daily routine of getting myself up to work and going home to bore myself in constant thinking.

How long was it? Two years? Yes, it’s been two years since me and my girlfriend broke up and broken things just can’t find it’s proper place, all were still broken, all still seem to fail. They say that your first relationship where you have invested so much emotions and feelings will affect you deeply in your first heart break. I didn’t believe that at first until this happened, until I realized for myself that I am too broken to even start again.

Love, it isn’t just about making her yours, being your girlfriend or make her say yes. Sometimes, love is a selfless emotion and risk taking. Risking to get your heart shattered into pieces, risking to see someone you love, be with somebody else while you just put on a fake smile just to see her happy. Love isn’t always a happy ending.

I saw my friends smile and cry, party and get drunk, rejoice and pour out their emotions in a bottle of Soju. I admire them, how brave they are to show what they really feel inside because I can’t. During an emotional turmoil, I just take my leave, lie on my bed and watch the glowing stars stuck on my ceiling throughout the night. I am ed up, I am a mess.

Today was just a normal day, work and play, continue a page of the book of life. I saw her enter the office with a smile, isn’t she beautiful? I liked her ever since I shared this quite long chat with her one moment when we both felt bored after a stressful quota day. She was bubbly, throwing jokes and literally spamming me messages when I can’t reply. She has this habit of asking me questions I don’t even know how I was able to answer but still I can’t deny It made me smile a bit.

I don’t even know how this feeling grew in me, I just knew one day, I was starting to look forward to days to talk to her. The light coming from my phone making me open my eyes instinctively and I knew for myself she messaged. It was one of the many days I slept late, but still the energy to move on for the following day is there, flowing through every part of my body even if I didn’t know where it actually come from.

She was wearing an incredible smile when I saw her pass in front of my cubicle, I was staring at the screen of my computer and a still smile crept on my face. Her eyes shined against the light, and the grace of her walk made my heart flutter. Reaching for my phone that was currently stuck on the corner charging, I decided to give her a quick message.

“You look great today” I felt it sounded creepy but hell I care, she’s used to it anyway. I watched her greet my co workers and even threw a quick glance at me. Then I knew that she’ll be able to read my message later.

I smiled when I saw her reached inside her bag and getting her phone out of it, her eyes formed a crescent as she typed something while I waited for that beep beside me. It took a minute, but then my phone screen lit and her message popped out.

“Stalker creep” I laughed, she’s used to it and I find it amusing that she joining me in this weird game of ours.

“Why? you look great”

“Go back to work. The boss might get angry” She sent a laughing sticker just right after her message, which I answered with another sticker. When I saw that she didn’t reply to my message, I left my phone and got back to work again.

Three hours passed and I heard the beep again and admitting to myself I was waiting for it so badly, I pushed my chair to a slide and grabbed my fully charged phone. My instincts were correct, it was her.

“I’m hungry” The sad face on her message made me imagine her pouting face, which I find always cute and beautiful.

“Grab a snack, you’ve been working so hard”

“I’m not working, I’m just sitting her and waiting for calls”

“Wanna go out to lunch with me?”

“Can’t. Dad will bring me somewhere” I frowned, she’ll be busy again and I have to wait for another few hours just to talk to her. Good thing my work load for the day will surely make me busy, I can get distracted.

“Gonna go now” I said my goodbye and looked at the girl standing few feet away from me. She was grinning as she raised the plastic bag on her hands.

“Lunch?” I smiled, she was someone I met that is different. Well basically, I first met her when she suddenly grabbed and chair and sat beside me, narrating everything about her lovelife with a touch of bragging that she was one hell of a loyal lover. Well, I just nodded at everything she said. My thoughts were basically drifting to someplace else that time but I was quite intrigued.

I made a wrong move of entertaining her and even visiting her house for a report work, she might thought of it as something else since she became extra clingy to me the following days. She was always there, whenever I am happy or down, she never left my side. But I can’t make my heart love Ellin, because Krystal is everything to me, no one else comes close.

Love is such a complicated thing, you love someone and someone loves you but there is a chance that any of those love couldn’t be returned back and that makes it worse.

It’s been months since I’ve been talking to Krystal and it still gives me the giddy feeling I cannot hold in, you know when you just smile or laugh in  a public place with just thought of her, you know you’re doomed.

“Amber”

I scratched my eyes to adjust to the dark when I heard the beep, it was 3 in the morning and I wondered why she messaged. It’s still early, but hell everything for her.

“What is it?” It took minutes before she replied back, and her message gave me the worse feeling I got for the whole year.

“Thank you for being there for me even if we just talk in messaging, I would like to invite you to my wedding next month. Maybe there I can meet you in person?”

I felt like buckets of cold water was thrown on me, marriage. What is happening? I didn’t know, why all of a sudden?

I never got the chance to reply to her message, I know I’ll be learning about this hours later, I don’t want to ask her further, it might break my broken heart more.

Just like what I was expecting, a meeting was held at the function room of our office building. Extravagant and luxurious, just what someone would expect at the owner’s own preparations. I took a sit with min, Jackson and Ellin, waiting for that familiar face I’ve been seeing for months, waiting for my boss, waiting for Krystal.

Everything felt surreal, from her grand entrance together with a very handsome man beside her. From her father’s introduction to their speech up until the announcement of their engagement and wedding, I thought everything was just a nightmare but it was not, she’s getting married.

If showed myself earlier, If I told her that it was I whom she was messaging with, If I told her that it was I who leave a cup of latte on her office desk every morning, If I told her that the one she was speaking to is just around her… would she notice me? Would she turn down the man who asked for her hand? Would she even reciprocate the unspoken feelings I have deep inside? Would we ever be together?

Questions keep popping in my mind as I watch him kiss her, and seeing them made me answer all those questions by myself and I know for sure that I am too late, because one day, each and everyone of us in the office would receive an invitation and the day of her wedding is the day that I’ll talk to her in person for the first time.