“What are we having for dinner?”

Ai smiles as she feels her husband’s arms around her waist and hears his husky voice.

“Your favorite dish, honey.”

“Smells amazing.”Says Sehun as he gives her nape a light kiss.

“This must be my 100th attempt since I started learning cooking.”

“It must have hard on my baby, hasn’t it?”

“Nah, I enjoyed it. I feel, I don’t know, better about myself? I was never a cook in my family when we were in school. And I had never cooked for anyone but myself since I started college. I never cared for anyone but myself. But now I have a husband, I cook for him, I do his laundry, I help him shave his beard and I feel happy. I just am.”Ai says faintly, turning her head to a side, only to meet Sehun’s lips, which are attempting to devour her own.

“You are the most caring person I’ve ever met, baby.”Says Sehun between their kisses.”You can pretend to never care to learn how to cook or wash the dishes, but I know how you secretly waited until noone was around to help your mom, and even my mom clean everything after each gathering meal. And I know how you silently woke up at midnight to fix your sister’s bike so that she could go to school the next morning. I know how you dropped ginger tea at my house every morning to help my dad with his headache. I know how you try to appear careless but are actually worried about everyone.”

This is the kind of happiness her mom had always talked about. When Ai was young, she wondered why all married women around her were always so willing to serve their husbands and kids without a single complaint. House chores, she believed, were a nightmare to everyone. Mom told her that it was simply what women believed they were born to do. They all wanted to prove their value through their role in the home, as a wife and as a mother. Mom said she would understand one day.

Now she does. Ai completely loves being a family’s woman. She enjoys it thoroughly and likes to believe that she is being a good wife.

But not a mother. The very thought hurts her to the core.Being a woman full of pride, however, she immediately tries to chase the thought away, burying the guilt and pain deep down the innermost of her soul.

While looking lovingly at Sehun who is enjoy the meal she cooked for him, Ai can’t help but remember the events at Melbourne.

Nari. Sae Ai.

Sehun.

This man in front of her used to have it all. And now he is left with an infertile woman while his wife is running away from the past, his child dead.

She unexpectedly wants to cry. Ai has already made up her mind to leave everything behind.

It is okay if Sae Ai is dead, her baby boy is dead and she can’t bear a child anymore. Sehun loves her and she loves him and it’s more than enough.

It is okay if Nari is alive, hiding in Melbourne, or anywhere else on this planet. If she does not want to come back, then Ai has no obligation to bring her back.

It is okay if Nari has found out that Ai has been married to Sehun. If she left, than she left. Nothing can be done because Ai will do anything to stay by her love’s side..

It is okay if Nari told her to never go find her, to see her as dead.

It is okay if those thoughts are setting her head on fire. Once again, life has never been easy on Lee Ai.

No, she is now Mrs. Oh. And she has no intention of being anyone else.
---


“You are pregnant again? A girl? Congratulations!”Ai says through the phone, trying to conceal the jealousy in her voice.”Where are you now? I’ve got to pay my sister, my nephew and my future niece a visit!”

“Your sister is pregnant?”Having listened to the sister’s conversation, Sehun waits until Ai has hung up to ask.

“Yeah. I’m going to her place. Like right now.”She answers, trying to avoid Sehun’s eyes.”But before that, I’ll have to drop by a milk store, expecting women…”

“You don’t have to go if you don’t want to, baby.” Says Sehun, lightly grabbing her wrist.

“What do you mean? Of course I do! I’m going to have a niece. I am going, Sehun.”

Ai looks at her husband, eyes full of determination. And she doesn’t know why. What is she trying to prove? That she very much loves her sister? Or that she is not envious of her sister, or basically any woman capable of giving birth?

Sehun seems to catch the glint of downfall in her eyes before he decides to speak up.

“I’ll go with you. I want to see my sister-in-law too.”

Well, Ai clearly can’t argue with that.

---


“Mom dropped by this morning, she looked at this ultrasound picture and said the baby doesn’t look like me when I was in her belly at all, she even said that the baby is not going to resemble me at all. I mean can you believe it? What daughter doesn’t look like her own mother?”

Ai chuckles. She has always thought both her and her sister have quite a sense of humor. Ai is personally proud of her wittiness and sarcasm, while her sister is more of a constant joker. The latter is like a ray of sunshine whose light Ai has always treasured. She loves her sister.

Seeing her like this, full of joy and contentment, Ai honestly wants to let out a sigh of gratefulness. She quietly thanks God for not letting the older go through what she has.

Only one suffering is enough.

But, when Ai looks at Sehun’s direction, she instantly remembers that she’s not the only one.

Her husband is smiling sadly while playing Lego with her nephew. Once in a while he will turn to where the Lee sisters are sitting at, either to give Ai a look full of love or to stare at her sister’s showing belly.

It is not rare to catch Sehun staring at couples at Baskin Robbins feeding their kids with ice cream and then sighing. But no matter how sad he looks one second ago, he will always turn back to face Ai and place a kiss on her forehead.

Moments like those makes Ai disgusted by herself.

Absolutely abhorrent.
---

It’s December 5th, again.

Sehun is busy competing in the biggest ATP tournament of the year, and before leaving, he specifically asked Ai to pay his deceased wife and daughter a visit.

“Can you please buy lilies for Nari? She loved them.”

She loves them. Ai corrects in her head when she remembers seeing a vase full of white lilies in Nari’s apartment.

The young wife carefully places the lilies on the gravestone. She kneels down and holds the position for a very long time.

Sae Ai looked so much like Nari. Well, she had Sehun’s plump lips. But other than the lips, the baby was an exact duplicate of Nari. Sehun once told her that the picture was taken when she was 2 months and a half. And her features had already been strikingly distinctive.

If only she had lived long enough for people to see her grow up.

Ai lets out a sigh of pity.

“We meet again, dear.”

A familiar voice snaps her out of the thoughts. Ai looks up to meet with the face of Nari’s mother.

That is right, they meet again.

“Nice to see you again, madam.”

---


“I can’t believe you two did that!” Says the middled-aged woman while laughing at Ai’s story of her and Sehun back in junior high school.”Well, I have to say I underestimated my former son-in-law. He is much more mischievous than he looks.”

“Yes he is. He is an evil brat when he wants to be, I’m telling you. I had to stay at home in two weeks!”Ai says, faking resentment. Not that she has forgiven Sehun for the most wicked prank she ever encountered in her life, just that it has been too long, and when people look back, many horrible things become funny and this is one of them. Such a beautiful time. Care-free, fun and full of joy with Sehun.

As selfish as it sounds, she sometimes wishes that if the past truly can’t be changed, then the time would just stopped at their youth together. No hopes and dreams of being someone famous and successful, no denial of her love for him, no one to take his heart away. Maybe she would never grow up to be his wife and the mother of his kids. Maybe she would neverbe a programmer and he would never be the worldwide famous tennis player.

But it would still be better than this present, where she can’t give him what he wants, where he can’t get his child back.

She wishes they would stay teenagers forever.

That way, he would never have married anyone, given birth to any child.

The very thought, once again, makes Ai want to slap herself. She is being a greedy monster again.

“Aw, it’s getting dark. I suppose it’s time for me to go home.”Nari’s mother’s voice wakes her up from her thoughts.

“Okay. How do you go home?”

“Taxi of course. I’m almost sixty, dear.”

“So you’re gonna wait for a cab now? It’s easy to get here by taxi from the city centre but definitely not vice versa. Let me drive you home, madam. It’s winter, for God’s sake. You’re gonna freeze before seeing a taxi.”

Before the mother can say anything, Ai continues:”And I will not take no for an answer.”

“Well, I can’t say no, can’t I?”
---


“Goodbye, mad…”

“You can call me aunt Younha, Ai. And I don’t intend to let you go so early. Sehun’s away, right? Come inside, Nari’s brother got me some Kobe beef and I believe we can do something with it for dinner. Please.”

Ai is not sociable. She has never been. When Sehun was locally famous for his junior tennis tournaments and god-like looks, she stayed out of his spotlight, giving all the perks of being a popular boy’s best friend to his group of buddies. And Sehun would leave every party at 9 pm sharp and sneak into her room for a movie night. When she rejected shopping afternoons with other people her girl friends had invited, they would also end their hangout early to drop by and have a chat.So Ai thinks it is fine to not socialize, she will still have people she loves around her. 28 years old already and the tough life seems to have not taught her how to be a people’s person.
And she hates being a dinner guest.

Ai has hated it since young, when her father would take her family to dinners at people’s houses, and during the meal, he would complain about having two daughters in a row.

Her hate for those kinds of meal peaked when they had dinner at the Oh household and Mr. Lee blurted out his envy for the said family for having two sons while he himself was stuck with two useless daughters. Ai remembers clearly the moment he looked at Sehun and told him “I don’t even understand why you befriended my daughter in the first place. Why don’t you stick to hanging out with boys? Being friends with girls will get you nowhere.”

“I’ve come very far, thanks to her, Mr. Lee. And I believe she will continue to make my life even better. And Ai is a clever and competent girl, Mr. Lee. Being a girl does not mean she has limited ability. She will be going places, Sir. That I’m sure of.”

Sehun words did not prevent her from feeling ashamed.

And from that day, she had developed in herself the burning ambition of being someone prominent. Maybe because she wanted to prove to her father that he was dead wrong, that he was ignorant and selfish. Maybe because she wanted to live up to Sehun’s words to be able to keep her chin up in front of the man she loved.

Whatever it is, it was part of the reasons for the tragedies in her life.

Hence she doesn’t like dinner with others. She enjoys dinner alone, and with Sehun. Ai is afraid of saying and hearing things that can hurt her. Lately, she has been better. She had meals with Sehun’s family, her sister’s family and has been doing fine.

But dinner with Nari’s mom is different. Who is Ai in the woman’s life? Someone she met briefly before her daughter’s wedding? The new wife of her ex-son-in-law? This is out of her control, Ai believes.

Looking at the lady’s pleading eyes, however, Ai knows she is at no position to decline.

“Alright, aunt Younha. But I must warn you, I’m a horrible cook.”

“That’s why you will be cutting vegetables only.”
---

“Thank you, dear. It’s so great having you here.”Says the older woman as she holds Ai’s hands, seemingly wanting to caress them as if they were her own daughter’s hands.”It’s like having another daughter. No, it’s like having two daughters. Two polar opposite daughters.”

“At first, I didn’t understand why Sehun and you never got together. Sehun was not that ambitious about his career. He would easily drop a tournament to take care of a pregnant Nari. Now I think it was because of you.”

“I would say that Nari was stronger than you. She dared to make her move and fought for her happiness. Just like your family, ours was broken when Nari was very young, which I suppose make her tougher on the inside. Instead of trying to please others, she grew up on her own, mentally. She knew to claim the things she knew would make her happy. You did not.”

“I know, auntie. I’ve known that since I messed everything up.”

“Don’t be sad, sweetie. You’re just…inexperienced. All I mean is that, sometimes, you need to learn to grab your own happiness. Pretending to be careless will make people think you don’t have wishes. You do, dear. Everyone does. Tell others your wishes.”

“I am.”

“You’re trying to. But that’s a start.”

“Yes, it is.”Ai says quietly, looking the woman in the eye before turning her gaze to the watch.

“Oops, it’s late. I have to go home, aunt Younha.”The girl speaks as she grabs the car keys and makes it to the car.

“Thank you for the wonderful dinner. Have a safe trip. We will have another meal together, won’t we?”

“We absolutely are.”

---
Ai has been staying true to her words, dropping by Younha's house or sometimes taking her to coffee. When Sehun's away for tournaments, Ai will always prepare for a sleepover at the older's house. At first, this is a way for her to sympathize with the woman. Gradually, it has become something that gives her joy.

Younha is a different kind of mother from her own. The former is graceful, elegant on the outside but determined on the inside while her mother looks tough but is actually vulnerable.

But women, generally, cannot escape from being weak.

Ai knows that when Younha cries in front of her while looking at Nari's photos.

"I miss her so much, Ai. I dream of her every night." Younha says between her sobs."My own flesh and blood...I was singing karaoke with my high school friends when she and Sae Ai lost their lives."

If there is something Ai has learned thoroughly after years traveling to every corner of the world, it is the fact that mankind has got nothing on God. Or from the perspective of someone irreligious like her, on life and fate. No matter how experienced and thoughtful and strong you think you are, life can always destroy you.

This woman in front of her is the epitome of pain. Losing her own daughter and granddaughter. Suffocating herself in guilt and sorrow.

On second thoughts, everyone around her is the epitome of pain.

Nari kills her soul every night for leaving her daughter to Death's hands and is probably angry at herself for leaving Sehun.

Sehun, on the other hand, suffers from the unexpected loss of his wife and daughter and now he is stuck with Ai, a woman who cannot be a mother.

If she is being selfish, Ai would say that she, herself, is the one who suffered the most. Her life, frankly speaking, has been full of the moment she was born as the second daughter of a ist man and has been getting tier over the years. Watching the love of her life marry someone else. Hearing that he named his child after her. Getting and somehow ending up killing her . Finding out she lost her child and is now infertile. A tragic life.

That's why Ai starts to think, that keeping Nari's survival to herself won't make her hopeless life better, while it would actually save many lives. Lives of people she cares about.

That is also why Ai finds herself knocking furiously at the door of Nari's apartment in Melbourne, only to meet a bewildered reaction of the latter.

"I know you're going to shut the door, but please hear me out, Nari. The police haven't clarified your death. I don't know who got you out of Korea without identity and how you have been living without one in Australia. But I can take you home and get your Korean ID back. I hope you will come back. No, I need you to. Your mother cries every night. Sehun says your and Sae Ai's names in his dreams. You won't be that cruel to your family, will you? No one will ask you about Sae Ai, I promise. Please. Come back."

Nari looks at Ai, seemingly speechless. After a few seconds, the younger starts to shed tears. Before Nari can say anything, a voice from the inside has stopped her from doing so.

"Nari, who's out there?"

A man's voice speaks in English.

"Nari, who's in there?", this time, Ai asks. "May I come in?"

Nari says nothing but nods, letting Ai in. The latter takes cautious steps into the flat, before catching sight of a man's figure.

Tan skin. Tall. Broad shoulders. Sharp jawline.

The man's role was never more than vague in Ai's life. He came and left almost quietly and she didn't even notice. Still, she can still make out the features of the boy she used to hang out with every Saturday evening in Tokyo. The boy who taught her her first Japanese swear words. The boy is now a man.

Kai.

It took her a bit to recall him but it can't be mistaken. Her first boyfriend. She is seeing her first boyfriend after almost a decade.

In Nari's apartment.