Dreams with anguish:

I wake up shaking I feel like drowning I hear many people’s cries Flashes, lights that go one after another, like explosions Fell of free falling A noise I cannot find out what it is, might be a car engine or something I do hear a voice of a male saying “JUMP!” several times I feel heat and burn, as if my body was set on fire.

 

Dreams with warmth and calm:

A very soft voice saying “I’m here”, I don’t know if it’s the voice of a man or woman Someone holding my hand A smile, even if it’s blurry I know it’s a smile A laughter I hear from afar

 

I re-read over and over again what I wrote on my dream notebook… yeah, I called it like that because that’s what I use it for.

Those are the things I remember once I wake up and I read them as if I was feeling it once again. I feel awkward doing this, thinking this simple list is part of my past, it’s part of my life. I sigh when I read again my dreams where I feel anguish and all this clues point out to an accident. Maybe I went through an accident. The weirdest part is that person telling me to jump. Jump? Where to? Where from? Did I actually survive from an accident? Is that why I feel like my body is in flames? I’m not only feeling like burning, but also like drowning and then I wake up shaking and sweating.

I keep reading the list now in the part of “Dreams with warmth”, I pass my finger over those words and I can’t help but think of that kiss that Dara gave me a couple of days ago. I don’t know if it was because she took me of surprise or because I cannot remember the feel of a kiss and I keep thinking of that moment and what it made me feel. Warmth. Like that voice that was by my side holding my hand. That warmth I feel when that person held my hand, I felt it when she kissed me on the cheek. It’s been two days after the kiss and Dara hasn’t been that close to me like in that moment. She’s still with her nice mood and smiles everywhere but no physical contact. And to be very honest I want another kiss, not because I feel something for her, because that’s impossible, I don’t like women… right? Damn it, what if I actually like women and I went through all this accident because I confessed myself to a girl?

Ok CL, you’re overreacting and rambling too much again. Let’s see, I don’t feel like I like women, but I haven’t seen guys until now. So what I have to do now is to go out and find some guys, maybe that way I’ll find out what are my preferences, right?

I feel something wet and rough on my hand. I look down to find out Dadoong is my hand.

—I don’t know if I like women or men, but I love this kitten. – I say as I pet his head, I love his fur, is so soft.

Then suddenly I realize of what I’ve just said and I laugh for myself, it’s so ridiculous and fun at the same time. If I like either boys or girls, it doesn’t have to do with my need of having another kiss on my cheek from Dara. I wanna know if I’ll feel the same warmth. I wonder if only Dara can make me feel that, what if Bom kisses me? Will I feel the same? Dadoong kisses me too, his kisses are warm because his little tong warm too…. Ok, I’m thinking none senses again. Focus CL, you will never get your memory back. I must find out the most important things.

—May I come in?

My self-complain is interrupted with Bom’s voice.

—Hey there! Yeah, come in. I didn’t hear you coming.

I close my notebook and put it on the drawer of the desk. Bom comes in and takes her seat on the bed. She has a funny expression on her face.

—Is he in love with you or does he think you are food?

I don’t know what she is talking about until I realize Dadoong is still my hand.

—Hmmm if he ever bites me it’s because he thought I was his dinner.

—Luckily, he doesn’t see me that way.

We both laugh and I put Dadoong on my lap, he puts himself comfortable and my hand again. Bom and I look at this.

—I think it’s because I was eating cookies a while ago, maybe the flavor is still on my hand.

—Let’s hope it’s because of that.

Bom’s phone rings announcing she got a message. She takes it out of her bag and she starts jumping once she reads it.

—Awesome! I came here to take you out and Dara told me she can leave her job earlier. It’s gonna be so fun the three of us together!

I smile and then remember of my mission of checking out men, and then I scold myself for thinking of those things once again.

—Can I take a bath first?

—Sure! And let’s show for first time some of the clothes we bought last time, one never knows when the love of your life is close. — She gets up and goes to the wardrobe where all the stuff we bought the other day is.

Bom won’t help me to take out that silly idea of my head, but the contrary. I got the feeling she’ll give me a hand to find out faster if I like boys… or girls… Damn, once again thinking of those things, stop it CL! I shake my head and stand up all of sudden, Dadoong get’s scared so jumps to the floor and runs out of the room. I just go to the bathroom as fast as possible do I can think of other things.

As I get out of the bathroom I can’t see Bom on the room, but she left me two sets of clothes over the bed so I can choose either of them. I actually make a third option combining the other two. I like more this one; it consists on grey jeans, a black sweater with white stripes, lastly my black boots that were my love at first sight. I fix my hair as I could, just dry it and leave it as straight as possible. I have this feeling that there will be a lot of winds in the beach area, so straight hair is the best option…. Or at least that’s what my mind unconsciously telling me. I just keep getting myself ready, letting my mind do things by it is own. I put myself just some light make up to cover my pale face. I look up for a coat, since it is winter, so I take out this blue coat. I go out of the bedroom I can hear Bom speaking with Dadoong, she’s telling him not to come closer to her bag because she went through a lot to get it. As I get to the living room I see her bending herself a bit, as if she were scolding the cat.

—You look like a mother scolding her misbehaved child.

Bom turns around when she listened to me and stays there staring at me, then she puts herself straight slowly.

—Wow, that’s much better. You really have a great style CL.

—I just wore what ever felt it was more comfortable to me. — I say shyly.

—Whatever, that’s style. C’mon! Dara is waiting for us with all those handsome guys of the beach!

She grabs me by the arm and practically drags me out of the house. When we were about to exit, she realizes I don’t have my bag, so she goes back to get it from the little closet where Dara usually keeps all the bags and jackets she uses the most.

She takes out the little bag she bought for me last time and drags me again out of the house.

On the way we listen to the radio and Bom talks about all those handsome guys at the beach, I just joke with her saying if they’re so handsome, why is it that she still doesn’t have one, so she answers dramatically saying the one hasn’t come yet. That’s a good answer. Do I have my indicated one? Suddenly I find myself holding the necklace that has the key with the engraved letters “CL”.

—Do you think he has the lock?

I hear Bom asking out of sudden. I really had no idea of what was she taking about until I see she points to the necklace.

—Oh… I really don’t know… I can’t even remember this necklace.

—Hmmmm someone very special gave it to you, that’s for sure. Besides it’s really pretty, it has your letters.

—Maybe? I don’t know, sometimes I think it belongs to someone else and these are not even the letters of my name.

—Then why would you have a necklace with the letters of someone else’s name?

Good question.

—Hmmm you have a point.

—That’s so romantic! — She jumps a little on her seat. She really scares me when she does that kind of unexpected things— Can you imagine? The owner of that necklace arrives to this island looking for you and then when he sees you, he would just give you a passionate kiss and bam! You remember everything with that one kiss!

Wow, and I thought I was the only one having crazy thoughts. Bom leaves me way behind.

—You see a lot of Dramas Bommie. — She told me to call her that way a couple of days ago, so in this moment I just said it almost naturally, it’s friendlier.

—We’ll see, we’ll see.

Bom laughs in a very funny way. Actually her laugh is nice and contagious. She winked at me and keeps driving.

We just passed the downtown area where we went shopping last time. People looks happy, it’s a beautiful winter afternoon. We keep driving until the sea breeze embraces us, and there it is, that never-ending turquoise ocean, it’s breathtaking. Since today it was windy, there are a lot of waves and white foam in the shore. Once Bom has already parked her car, I practically jump out of it and walk fast through the wooden avenue that surrounds part of the beach just to stay there staring at the turquoise infinity, feeling the fresh air hitting my face. This is a very comforting feeling.

Bom walks with me staring at the ocean as well.

—Ohh, look! —She tells me pointing at a spot in the sea— Surfers!

I focus my eyes and I can see indeed a group of people wearing black outfits, making their moves in the waves.

—Wow, that’s amazing! How do they do that? How do they do it so they won’t fall from the board?

—Hours and hours practicing. I used to have this surfer friend; she used to spend 24/7 of her time above the board just practicing.

—That must be an incredible feel.

—She used to tell me it felt like you were one with the wave. I don’t know, I actually never understood that. What I do know is that surfer guys are the most handsome guys out of all the guys here in the island!

And there she goes again… I just keep watching how they do their tricks with their boards, now I can see them better. They move really fast.

—And what happened? —I ask her without taking my eyes away from the surfers.

—With what?

—With your friend. You refer to her as something from the past.

—Oh… she had an accident and now she can't surf anymore, so she left to another country to recover of her injury. I never heard from her from then on.

I can feel the sadness in Bom’s voice. I ‘m speechless...

—I’m really sorry…

It’s not the biggest cheer or phrase, but it’s true. Now I do feel bad for asking her. Then she puts her hand on my shoulder.

—Don’t worry, it’s already been a time ago.

We walk a few steps more until we reach a colourful wooden poster that says “Beach Doha Bar” with dark blue letters. I follow Bom and we descend through wide wooden ladders that take us to the bar. We step in and see tables with huge umbrellas making some shadow. I’m su