It’s been two weeks since I last saw Jung at Doha’s bar. I haven’t seen him since that day. I haven’t had the change to call him either. On the other hand, Dara is acting weird, sometimes she’s that sweet and humorous girl, but these days I’ve seen her absent and serious, actually, I’ve barely seen her. I don’t want to ask her what’s going on because I don’t feel like I have the right to ask her. I guess this might be a personal issue and it’s none of my business.

These days I’ve spent them with Bom, sometimes we go out to the beach, avoiding the motorbikes part, some other times she comes over and we spend all day talking, reading fashion magazines or watching movies.

One night I decided to ask her about Jung, she just warned me I have to stay away from him, he’s not a bad guy but his lifestyle is not something I need now, that’s why they’re trying to keep me away from him. She might be talking about the stuff he likes and the way he goes in life. I never told Bom that’s exactly what attracts me the most of him. I’d like to keep that in secret, otherwise I think they would actually lock me on the basement, or put a guard watching me… which is what I think Bom is doing lately; not in a bad way, I mean, she’s been so nice and good to me but it’s obvious she’s all time with me to keep me away from her friend. I think it’s too much.

The scene at the bar and the situation these days have gone beyond my expectations. When I had the accident at the beach, Bom and Dara used to scold Jung in a friendly way so to say. They were really worried and I can understand that. I also understand they told him to stay away from me, worried that I would have another accident but I really never thought they would take it so serious. I’m surprised of Bom and Dara’s attitude. I feel bad for Jung, I don’t think it’s fair they treat him like this.

I can also understand they’re worried about me and want to protect me, but the way they’re doing it now is kinda bothering me. I’m just a young woman who lost the memory, not a five year old girl that can’t take care of herself. Even if I don’t remember my past, I know how to take care of myself, it’s human instinct, if I see fire I’m not gonna try to touch it, the situation with the ATV was just an accident. Yes, I admit it was mostly my fault because I was distracted for a couple of seconds, but it does not mean it’s gonna be like this all time.

Am I so clumsy at the girls’ eyes? I don’t think so. This time I’ve been at the house I’ve realized I’m the kind of person that can adapt to many circumstances, I like housework, I’m calm and careful.

But… when I was running with that ATV, to listen the engine and that speed, the weird feel inside of me that made me feel much excitement, I’ve never felt my heart beating so fast as in that moment.

These are the kind of things I write down on my notebook, they’re not dreams but sensations that may also be memories of my body, just like Kyo said.

I’ve never told her about how I react with the speed, I say general stuff, like the way my body reacts in ways I don’t understand, at some situations and moments; then she told me those sensations are things my body does understand. She put the example of the fire, if I see fire my body sends me the message I don’t have to touch it because I might get burnt because I’ve got burnt before.  Something similar happens with the body and memories. Even if I don’t remember who I am, what I used to do, the things I like and the ones I don’t, my body does remember it, sending me the message even if I can’t understand it. Kyo also advised me to write them down on the notebook, those sensations are as important as my memories.

I spend too much time writing, I like it, makes me feel good. But in end up with more questions than when I started writing. I always try to find a relation with all the things I write and make my own imaginary theories.  Which another characteristic I found in myself, I have a lot of imagination.

Another habit I’m taking now is to write about how I feel now. I even bought this other notebook, a bigger so I could write more intimate and personal things that the doctor should not know about. She often reads my dream-notebook so she can help me out to find a meaning of what it could be. But this on new, is private, only for me.

I feel the need to express somehow my feelings on this state of no memories, what I feel inside the house, in this island, with the girls. With Dara. That is the true motive. Since I cannot speak with her, either because of my shyness or because of her sudden distance, I get frustrated so I need a place to pour all those feelings and thoughts. The current situation with Dara is burning my head. It irks me her silence. I’d though that after discovering her identity, our friendship would be much more special, I don’t know, maybe I should tell Dara what I can remember of her, but I hadn’t had the change yet. When she gets how we have small talk then she goes to sleep and when I get up, she’s left home for work. I feel as if she’s avoiding me, like she’s staying away from me. I don’t know why, she could not be that bad because of Jung. That’s why I’d rather think this has nothing to do with me, but something intimate of Dara. It’s more relieving that thought. The truth is that… I miss her.

—Don’t you miss her too? — I ask Dadoong petting his soft body. He’s resting on my tummy while I’m lying on the couch thinking of a million things —What’s wrong with your mom? Do you think she’s mad at me or something like that?

A soft ‘meow’ leaves Dadong’s mouth; I don’t know what it means… or if it even means something. I must be going crazy if I’m trying to find a cat’s meow as if would answer all my questions.

I see through the window, it’s getting dark; Dara might get home any time now. I thought it could be nice to prepare a nice meal and wait for her, so I’ve already prepared something for her so when she gets home I could warm it again for her. I hope we could talk again.

The phone rings interrupting my thoughts, Dadoong gets up and jumps to the floor hearing the ringing. I clear my voice and answer. The fact I don’t speak much makes my voice hoarse.

—House of Sandara Park.

That’s what she always says when she answers the phone so I thought it would be most appropriate thing to say.

—Hey CL, it’s Bom.

—Oh! Hey Bommie! Is everything ok?

—Yeah, it’s nothing, I just wanted to tell you that Dara is gonna get late there, she could not tell you before because… she has the night shift too… so she asked me to let you know.

—Oh… it’s ok… thanks.

—Do you want me to go over there?

—No, it’s not necessary. I was getting ready to go to bed anyways.

—So early? Are you feeling well? I could go there, no problem.

—I’m fine, just a bit tired. Don’t worry, really. And thank you.

—Hmmm ok. I’ll here for you if you need anything, you know it right? You just have to call me and I’ll be there in a minute.

—I know, I can always count on you.

—Good, glad to know that you’re aware of it. Now, go and rest some. Kisses mwah!

—Kisses.

I end up the call and my eyes go straight to the kitchen, to the oven where I prepared the chicken just for her. I just have a deep sigh and suddenly I feel something pressing against my chest. Dara is not coming, again, another night I won’t be able to see or talk with her. By the way Bom was making pauses, it makes me feel like she was using her job to make up an excuse so she won’t have to call me. Dara does not want to talk with me. Now I’m getting more convinced she’s avoiding me. But why? What did I do?

I’m not hungry anymore, so I just go and take the chicken out of the oven and put it into the fridge. I make sure everything is in order and turn the lights off, I leave only a lamp on the table on so she can see the house when she gets home. I go to my bed and lye on it, I’m not feeling like changing my clothes either. I just want to sleep and wake up in the morning, or even better, when my Dara is at home.

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I don’t know what to do anymore, or if there’s even anything I could do. Dara is still avoiding me. She’s always busy and never comes to eat here. Before I could see her at night at least, now not even that. I’m not brave enough to ask Bom if she knows anything, I have the feeling she knows what’s going on. I heard them once we went to the beach, at the Bar, I was only on the beach side, standing on the sand but I could hear them arguing. As Bom came back with me she said she was sorry with a little smirk on her face.

Is it that Dara does not know how to tell me I cannot stay any longer at her house? That I have to go somewhere else? That she cannot be by my side anymore? That she was only a moment feeling sorry for me?... it could be that… So Dara was only feeling sorry for me? So she did all this because I was a pity for her and now she does not know how to take me out of her life so that’s why she stays away?

That’s what flies on my head all time. It’s been a week or even more and everything is still the same, no changes, no sign of affection.

I have this strong feeling the best thing to do is to leave this house. But where to? Maybe move to Bom’s… there’s my Doctor, right? But… I really want to come back to my house, my real house.

This time I was so alone, even if I’m with Bom, I can’t stop thinking on my house, my home, on going back. This whole situation makes me want to go back to the place I come from and be with the people that love me. With my parents… even with that guy I dream off and his warm touch, his eyes, his voice, his kisses.

Then the nightmares of the absence of Dara start to follow me. Dreaming of her does not bring me any peace now.

The best thing is to go to sleep now and tomorrow I‘ll see where should I go.

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The sound of the door opening interrupts my dreams with that guy. Then I hear some steps going down the stairs. Here’s when I wake up and I know where I am. The main door opens and then shuts. Now I open my eyes. It’s Dara. I see the hour, it’s 2 am. What is she doing awake at this hour? Did she just come back from work? She left again? Why did she get into my room? God, so many questions, I growl and kick my bed, I’m so frustrated! This is it. I get up, put my slippers and storm out of my room. I descend the stairs with determination. I’m more than convinced that this is the right moment to face the woman that’s driving me crazy. I need answers and I want them now.

I open the main door and a fresh breeze hits my face, I wrap my arms around me to protect myself from the cold. I look up for Dara with my eyes to find her snuggling on a swing on the left side of the house, covering herself with a white blanket. She’s facing down, with her head on her knees, I can’t see well her face. I go to her taking slow steps.

—Dara?

I hardly whisper her name. She’s surprised to see me because she jumps and rises her head suddenly, looking to where I am standing.

—Hey… Did I wake you up? Sorry.

Ok, that last smile is confusing me now. Is she pretending