Eight (Finale)

There’s one thing for sure.

Someday, you’ll realize that you cannot erase what you have written. You cannot rewrite of what has written. And you will realize the important thing: time can’t keep the fire, but only keeps the ashes.

By the time passes through, I want you to know that.

You will only miss the stories that we had, the ashes of the fire that once we had.

You will only miss the memories, not the person.

And that’s why, everyone deserves another chance, perhaps with a different time, place, and maybe, a different person.

*

click for the song

The cold wind struck into my skin and woke up into my senses, as the sun climbed up, peeking from the window. I rubbed my eyes, lazily blinked them open. The white covers, the morning breeze, the black suit that blanketed me.

“The sea. I’ve been missing the sea lately”

I opened my eyes, looking for my conscience that has been missing since I walked out from the hotel room. It was nothing from a hallucination, but a memory instead. I remember to take my medications for preventing any hurtful hallucinations, but this time, its different. I was recalling the memory itself, as I trailed these footsteps along the faint lines of the waves that touched the shore.

Of course, Junmyeon.

He always love the sea. He would like to spend his time alone, wandering through the long path of shore and let himself dip into the soft, faint lines of sea that went back and forth along the sand, slowly burying his two feet inside. He would love to sit back, letting his sight potraying the colors of sunset that revolves around orange, blue and purple. In the midst of his hectic life, he missed the peace that he gets whenever he searches for the sea.

I remember how he wanted it, back in the college. Spending money to take a trip on summer.

“Oppa” I approached him, sitting next to him who was reading a book. “Its almost summer break. Do you have plans?”

As always, he would turn and smile, being his bright self. “Well, I think I’m probably going somewhere” he looked down, somehow hesitant. “There’s this one place that I wanted to visit”

I looked into the book that he was reading. It wasn’t any textbooks that he always read for study, or literatures that he enjoys. There was this picture of a beach, sticked onto the paper. “You wanted to go to the beach?”

“Yeah” he shyly nodded. “I’m planning for some backpacking trip, maybe to Jeju or Busan”

“You know” I smiled. “It wasn’t a bad idea, Oppa”

He looked at me and smiled back. “Maybe I could take someone” he grinned, and leaned closer as he said, “Maybe, I can take you”

“Why not?” I accepted casually. “We can pin-point these beaches”

“We can pick one, or two for a visit” he added. “Or just try it all”

“And, we can travel light, and go there with the bus” I thought of the vacation that will be spent by the two of us. “We can just rely on the map, and turn off the phones”

“Yeah, we should do that” he agreed. “Everyone should understand that we need some break, right? And, we bring cameras instead”

“Great” I laughed to his reason. “And, the local food. Don’t forget about that”

“Of course” he started to scribble some notes for the travel plans. “It’ll be a great trip, you know”

Travel plans seemed easy and a beautiful dream for both of us, who were young back then. I frowned and sighed, letting my air exhaled against the morning breeze. In reality, we never did those things. We have never been travelled together.

Perhaps memories will just always be memories.

I stared at my phone’s screen that showed a new post on someone’s profile. Jongin’s, to be exact. I saw him updating a picture, a self-camera shoot taken at the beach. I frowned, knowing that he had no time to text me and ask about his belongings, but he still can update a selca to his timeline. I took a deep breath, holding my urge to slap him.

“I should just call him” I decided to initiate and press on his numbers. But something was wrong. Shouldn’t he ask first? Its his jacket! Why do I have to start first anyway? I looked like I’m flirting in here. I pulled back my phone, not able to call him. Besides, it’ll bother him somehow. He could’ve been sleeping on the beach chair right now, and my call would consider as annoying at this hour.

Somehow, my thoughts were true. Meters away from my three o’clock direction, there was Jongin, sitting back on the chair while watching the sunrise. No one was next to him, so there won’t be anyone speculating weird things about us. I took a step closer and went to him, but he didn’t seem to be annoyed. He didn’t even open his eyes. But somehow, my eyes didn’t want to left him, and stared at his sleeping face.

I flinched, automatically stepping backwards to my reflex. Jongin suddenly turned to the side, facing me with his sleepy face. His eyes were shut and his mouth was slightly open, but somehow, he looked tired and cute at the same time. I slowly put on the suit that he left to me, making it as a blanket.

And the moment he opened his eyes, I froze.

“Mmm?” the boy couldn’t believe of what he just saw, and his eyes narrowed as he saw me. “Is this... is this a dream?”

I furrowed my eyebrows. “No, of course not” I quickly answered. “I don’t understand of how someone could sleep under this blazing summer sun”

But Jongin wasn’t here yet. He slowly woke up and I quickly stepped back, certainly sure that I was definitely in total error. And he doesn’t need to know anything about this. At least the jacket is back to its owner.

“I’ll just head back to the hotel” I quickly my heel and left him in confusion.

*

click for the song

“Have you checked in the box?”

Minseok’s voice reminded me of what I need to do. First thing to do when I landed my feet into this room, I quickly checked to the brown box that kept untouched for the last three days, sitting comfortably on my bed. My left hand kept the phone close to my ears while I started to look for what was inside. “I’m checking it now” I told him. “I’ll call you back, okay?”

There were some pictures, childhood pictures to be exact. Some of his important documents were here, but nothing were referring to his death.

“Why are you doing this, Jane?”

I looked up and saw Junmyeon was sitting next to me, his eyes were on the box. But I could tell that he wasn’t happy with this. Something has been hidden and he’s trying to hide it from me. “What are you really looking for?” he asked.

“What do you think?” I asked him, as if he could’ve figure it out without asking. “I was supposed to ask you, why are you doing this? Why won’t you let me find the truth?”

But somehow, he couldn’t answer the question. I knew that he was a projection, or to be exact, I am definitely hallucinating for now. For now, this one’s shall worth some time, before I found out the truth and never see him again in the future. On the other side, it feels hurting to see both of us suffer. Him with his truth and he’s been hiding, and me, who he left without a single goodbye.

“Truth hurts, Jane” Junmyeon stated something, which I knew very well.

“But that’s what people need” I replied, closing the box and looked straight to his eyes. “That’s what I need”

“What if it hurts you?” he asked. “What if you can’t bear it?”

His words hit me. What lies behind his loss? What if his death was true, and even worse, someone was doing this to him? Those thoughts made my spine shivered, but I ignored his questions and continue to read the documents.

 Truth certainly hurts, and what he’s been hiding inside, it wouldn’t be something nice. But not knowing the truth keeps me on a constant concerns, worrying about things that were never certain. Somehow, it was those thoughts that kept me on place, not able to move on.

“I’ll bear it, Oppa” I smiled and looked to him. “You said you want me to see him, right? Your friend? Remember what you’ve told me in that elevator?”

“I did, but” Junmyeon frowned. “I’m worried that you were going back like you used to. Ever since you moved to Seoul, you started to lose that cold”

Silence crept in between us as I tried to understand his concerns. Am I changing a lot these days? I’ve always thought I’ve went worse since I came back to Seoul. I started to have intense nightmares and hallucination. But he was referring to something else. He was referring to my new family in this house. The twins and Chanyeol. Jongin.

He could feel how happy I am when I’m with him.

“I know that you wanted to find him” he said. “But doesn’t it feel selfish to do that? To arrange someone else’s paths?”

“He’s your friend” I replied, referring to his best friend that he’s been talking about. “You must have left some messages to him. I’ll try to find him for you, and why are you hesitating now?”

“I’m going to find it” I said. “Even though I’ll got back the way I used to. I’m used to being like this, living in this solitude”

In all of sudden, my phone suddenly buzzed a ringtone. A new message just came in, and when I turned around to find Junmyeon, he was no longer there. Albeit, his words was somehow made me confused. Selfish? Why would he ever felt selfish?

And so I decided to open the message, which is from Minseok.

Have you checked it yet? I hope I’m not giving some wrong information.

I looked around the files and had checked on them all. Nothing was related to his death, but when I opened the remaining files inside, I found something strange.

It was a clear holder, and there were a lot of newspapers cuts are inside this file. But the first headline was somehow made me flinched, pulled a trigger inside that brought memories that I never wanted to remember.

Kim Yongsan’s Arrested For His Wife’s Murder

I looked at the title in horror, as I flipped on the pages. There were a lot of pictures of my dad and my mom in the newspaper. Why these articles are here?

*

“Sunbae”

Days passed ever since I found it in Junmyeon’s box. Its been normal and nothing special, but this thought of seeing these articles again made me feel frightened. They kept me up at night and I couldn’t sleep. Not until I got some answers from Minseok, who’s now looking into his family for some reasons that might be related.

Apart of those frightening thoughts, the other four housemates tried to talk and play to me. I know that they’ve been worried, but they’re wondering for something they couldn’t understand. Until I found out the truth, no words shall be exchanged to anyone.

It was one of the rare moments today, when I’m trying to finish my assignment at the canteen one afternoon, when Jongin stepped in. He sat down and watched me studying, but little did he know that I’ve been out of focus. Unlike the others who tried to talk to me, Jongin was different. He waited for me to talk, while watching me studying.

“Have you seen Chanyeol hyung?” he asked, looking out for someone else. “Or Baekhyun hyung?”

“How am I supposed to know that?” I kept my eyes on my laptop.

“They promised me to buy this new bubble milk tea” he said. “And now, they went nowhere. I heard its pretty good”

“Why don’t you go for yourself?” his words somehow hinted that he wants to go there. “You have some money, right?”

“Yeah, but going alone quite for me, Sunbae” he shrugged. “I’m sure I couldn’t make it out alive”

“Just wait” I said. “Maybe they’ll show up”

I could feel his eyes watching me while I’m frustated in my homework. We went into silence as if we met again for the first time, but somehow, this kind of silence is different. The first time was awkwardness, but now, its another form of comfort. Sometimes, he would just blurted out on something, like asking on my homework or other things. For one hour, we stayed like this, kept in silence and awkward small talks that was somehow, comfortable.

I finished my homework one hour later, and I packed all my books inside. I looked to Jongin, who is now furrowing his eyebrows, concentrating himself into the novel that he reads and not realizing that I’m looking at him.

To be honest, its the first time I see a guy reading a novel. Most guys read comics or don’t like books, but seeing a guy reading novel is such an intrigue. And I flinched when he’s reading that novel.

“Is that The Elevator?” I asked him, referring to Kai’s very famous novel.

“Yeah” he shortly answered. “Why? You’re reading this too?”

“Simply my favorite” I slowly smiled. “Its simply beautiful”

He looked down, with a little smile formed on his lips. Sudden comfort barged in, knowing that we both enjoyed the same thing. “You’re right” he agreed. “A very genious concept that he made with the elevator thing, but what kept me reading was the bond between Shin and Ah Ran, when they both finally realize that...”

“Her eyes was all I could remember, the gaze that stayed same for years, even centuries” I quoted from the book. “Truth never hurts me this sweet, sending me shivers as I realized...”

 “We were both born and reborn for the love that was destined” he finished my sentence. We both fell into an awkward laugh and smiled, shy of sharing this similarity. Unable to look at each other, I decided to grab my bag, although I wanted to stay with him.

Jongin looked around, realizing that I’m done with your homework. “You seemed to had finished your work” he observed, as he checked on his watch. “Oh, God. Its been one hour and they didn’t show up” he sighed. “Are you going home, Sunbae?”

"I'm probably getting some drinks before I went home" I said. "Why?"

"Um, do you want some... bubble tea?"

*

I followed to his steps, not understanding myself who decided to do this. We stopped at an intersection, where the bubble tea cafe stood right across the road.

Ah, bubble tea. 

Reminds me of the good old memories. Of how I used to share a bubble tea with him, listening to his stories. Watching him laughing on his own jokes, and having fun together.

Just in time, the traffic light went red. Jongin and I crossed they street, before the alarm rang when we reached the middle. The cars are about to pass again.

In all of sudden, he grabbed my hand. Swift but gentle, sending me a strange electric feeling inside. I was about to snap away, but then I didn't have much time. I started to feel his hands, that were big enough to cover mine. His hand was quite big, with thick fingers and surprisingly warm against mine. He was gentle, afraid that I might break, but his grip was quite strong to protect me. His steps quickened, causing me to half-run until we reached the store.

The cafe was quite crowded as we got in and started to get into line. I could see some of our friends in the campus, going after the same thing since this place is the closest one here. 

click for the song

"Yo, how can I expect this?" someone suddenly called, causing both of us to turn and he released his grip away. 

"Its my brother Kim Jongin! You finally came here!" the male suddenly hugged Jongin, causing him to laugh. "Yah! Jongin! Its ticklish!"

"Its the only way to stop your hugging" Jongin smiled mischievously. "Sehun"

I took a quick glance from him. He was as tall as Jongin, maybe a little bit taller than him. But he was as good looking as Jongin, with his sharp face features that made him looked arrogant. However, he was the complete opposite. His small lips pouted with his eyes begging, which made him looked cute.

So here we are. There were three, which was a quite helpful situation. We met Oh Sehun, who was a member in Jongin's dance class. He was just like Jongin, childlike and popular around girls. And he was helpful as well, buying us bubble tea since we were all confused of what flavor should we choose.

"So here's the most favorites" Sehun put a tray of three bubble tea on the table. "Thai Iced Bubble Tea"

"Thanks a lot, Sehunnie" Jongin ruffled his hair and grabbed one. Sehun turned to me and handed me the bubble tea. "You should try too, Jane Noona" he offered.

"Thank you" I wiped his hand trace and drank it. 

"Since I haven't introduce myself properly" Sehun said. "I'm Oh Sehun. Jongin and I met a lot at the dance class"

"You're in the dance class too?" I asked him.

"Apparently, I'm not" he denied. "I'm in medical department"

"Whoa, what?" I couldn't imagine someone like him could study anatomy or wearing scrubs and white jacket. 

"Yeah, its surprising, right?" he smiled. "Most of the people would think I'm in the dance major. That's because I hang out with Jongin a lot!"

I nodded, and let him take over the convo. "What about you, Noona?" he asked.

"Seriously, Sehun" Jongin elbowed him. "Noona?"

"Well what should I call her?" Sehun protested. "I can call you Noona, right?"

"Umm..." I didn't even know what to say. "Yeah. Sure"

"See? What's wrong with you?" Sehun turned to him, making weird gestures as he felt glad of himself. "Where were we, Noona?"

"You were asking about me" I answered, somehow getting interested in him. "I'm in Communications"

"Cool!" he cooed like a child. "I've heard your radio show once! You're a very good DJ!"

"Really?" I couldn't believe his compliment. "Well, what about Jongin?"

"Yeah he's..." Sehun thought for awhile. "Okay"

"Okay?" Jongin surprised on his words.

"I think he's better at dancing" was Sehun's opinion. "You should see him dance sometime! He's really cool when he dances! I bet you haven't see our performance, right?"

"Well, he's a good dancer too" Jongin added. 

"He's actually a better one, Noona" Sehun pointed to him. "You know, girls swoon over him because he's y!"

Jongin laughed in embarrassment. "Ah, its not like that" his face blushed. "I just tried to do the right thing"

"Yeah, Kkamjong" Sehun mocked. "Being y is certainly right. I know it, man"

"Dude, that's not what I meant!" Jongin denied. "You know, its just some sort of feeling enjoyed when you do something that you like!"

"Okay, okay" Sehun giggled as he sipped his bubble tea. Maybe he made Jongin felt embarrassed, but as much as the exaggeration goes on, Sehun was being honest. Oh, and the way he dressed up really didn’t match with the way he hangs out. I mean, look at that designer’s leather jacket and that slick styled hair. This kind of guy shouldn’t be at a bubble tea cafe right now, he should be at a club or somewhere else.

“You know, he’s very passionate, that what makes him cool” Sehun started again, pointing out the truth this time. “What about you, Noona? Do you have something that you’re very passionate of?”

I was silent. Picturing of those strings that played whenever I’m lonely and created a space away from the world. Or how I loved to get into the recording studio and interacted with people through the microphone. The things that I did, that somehow made me who I am, and forgot how pathetic I was.

“I don’t know if I can call this ‘passionate’, but” I answered carefully. “I loved to see myself when I’m alone in my room, playing on those six strings. I liked music a lot, to be honest. I also love to connecting music to people’s life, that’s why I like creating playlist at the radio. Maybe it doesn’t seemed as it is, but that’s how I define passion”

“What about you?”

“I think I felt more passion in dancing than being a doctor” Sehun shortly answered. “Lately, I’ve been thinking that way. Hehe”

“You’re always confused on those two” Jongin added.

“Well, its not as easy as it seems” Sehun responded. “Put yourself in my shoes and you’ll see. I’d rather choose between Avengers or X-Men”

And that’s how our conversation goes. Light, although some points might have some depths. But still, it never lacks appreciation. At the end of the hour, the three of us decided to leave. Sehun stood up and smiled at me. “Noona, it was a really nice talk. Ah, you got no schedules after this, right? Why don’t we go for some bowling?” he asked.

That’s where I realize he’s taking this further. If he knew that I’m currently single, perhaps he’s using his chances now. But I prefer to take this as a friendly hangout, rather than flirting.

“I don’t know” I didn’t know how to answer, to be honest. I looked to Jongin, whose gaze darkened for unknown reasons. “What about you?”

“Well, if you wanted to go, you can go with Sehun” he pursed his lips, as he subtly denied. “I don’t think I might be going”

“Ah, come on, Jonginnie” Sehun whined. “Really? A pro is not going to the game?”

“I’m not in the mood, Sehun” Jongin stayed on his denial. “Just go with Jane-sunbae”

I never thought that this little offer can turned into a big dilemma. Its now choosing him or Sehun, and somehow it made me feel uncomfortable. Sehun’s now looking at me, knowing that the choice was all on me.

I repeat, it was like choosing Jongin or Sehun, to be honest.

I mean, what should I do?

A lump inside me rose into my throat as I coughed and finally said, “Thanks, Sehun” I smiled and turned to him, which he responsed with the same smile.

I guess I had to try with Sehun, right? I mean, he’s been friendly and he would like to know me more. As much as he gets curious, I also had the same curiosity. Plus, he was cute and funny behind that stoic, prince-like mask.

“But, no thanks”

I never planned for the next words, anyway. I blurted out, and said clumsy words, as always. Perhaps if I reject his offer this time, Sehun might find some other time and ask the same, or maybe different, offer to me. I feel sorry, on the other side, but right now, its not the right time.

Sehun’s smile lost in all of sudden, as he looked down and slowly nodded. “Okay, Noona” he said. “So... no bowling for today”

“Yeah” I said. “Until next time, Sehun”

“Until next time” he repeated, as he departed from the bubble tea cafe. Leaving me with Jongin, who’s gaze placed on me for again, unknown reasons. His eyebrows slightly furrowed, but then he managed to went back to normal.

And then I realized, that I chose him.

Stupid. Why did I do that anyway?

Jongin and I finally decided to go home after that. He ran away, though, and missing his monthly ice cream dinner with us. However, news spreaded really fast inside the circle.

“So, Jane” Baekhyun said as he scooped the vanilla ice cream. “You met Sehun today, is it true?”

I felt it as an interrogation. “Well, yeah” I answered. “How did you know that? Jongin told you?”

“No, it wasn’t him” the male shook his head. “That kid told me just now”

“Well, that spreaded really fast” Baekhee commented. “Really, how did that go?”

“I was going with Jongin, actually” I told her. “But then, we happened to meet him at the new bubble tea cafe, and talked for a while”

“What did you guys talked anyway?” Chanyeol asked this time. “I wonder what made Kkamjong so quiet and had to be absent in this ice-cream dinner”

“Its just some random talks” I answered, knowing that these people asked because they cared about him. “Until Sehun asked me to go for bowling. Well, he asked Jongin and I, actually”

“Ah, that’s why” Baekhyun and Chanyeol said in unison.

“What?”

“Nothing” they cooed, and quickly left the table. “Gotta go, Jane. Chanyeol made this new dope song and I wanted to hear it” Baekhyun winked as he headed to the stairs with Chanyeol.

“But–”

“Come on” Baekhee patted me on my shoulder, chuckling. “Let them be”

“Have you seen him?” I asked him, scooping my last ice cream and wondered where did he go. Baekhee stopped and stared at me for quite some time.

“Where’s Jongin?”

*

There was this basketball field in the park, located a few blocks away with one intersection from The Byuns’s house. And now, in the midst of the warm summer night, I just happened to dragged my two feet there.  The way on foot somehow made it the longest trip. All I ever needed to do was to walk straight, but I was actually between two different paths.

So, the first thing that came into my mind was,

Why are you looking for him?

I couldn’t figure out why. Or maybe, I couldn’t decide which is my reason. Every time these green Chuck Taylors stepped on the asphalt, I could see a faint memory that passed in front of my eyes, giving me a clear picture of what had happened. And I realized, I was a fool yet I was comfortable at the same time. He was always looking for me. He was the one who started all of this, exactly a few months ago.  And now, here I am, questioning myself of my own feelings.

“Jane”

I saw Junmyeon stood there, as I stopped and looked back to the basketball field that wasn’t far away from my two feet. There should be no hallucination after the medications, but I know damn well that process is not a short trip to take. Not even when I stopped my medications, to have some last moments while searching for truth.

“He was supposed to explain...” I answered slowly. “About something”

But then, again, he was a distraction. I remembered those articles, sticked into the clear holder. “Why are there those articles?” I asked him back.

Junmyeon smiled, expecting my straightforward self. “Those weren’t mine” he answered. “In fact, I’ve been asking to myself, why there are these articles”

“Then who is it? Your family?” I asked. “Damn it, Junmyeon. Why my parents?”

“I thought I’ve told you to stop” Junmyeon answered in his cold tone. “Truth hurts”

“I know” I sighed. “You’re stopping me again like the last time. I thought I’ve said it clearly”

“Your parents is the start” he warned. “I know you can’t get over it. You always cry when you think about them, and its going to be hurtful again”

“Damn it, why don’t you just tell me?” I’m getting sick of his warning. “What are you trying to protect me from? Is it just that hurtful? This curiosity, this hurtful nightmares that ended up with questions, you put me into this!”

“You always said that couples always face the trouble together” I looked to him, realizing that my voice felt  “Something happened to you before your death. I wanted to know why, Junmyeon, because I’m worried about you! I always do!”

The tears were late to my recognition, as I remembered his last days. Our last days, where we fought. His sudden change of attitude, the distance that crept in between, and the car crash. I started to remember it clearly, where I was getting hurt for the second time.

“This shall be the last” Junmyeon wrapped up our date. “I want you to stop doing this by tomorrow”

“Oppa, why?”

Junmyeon just left me from that park, as he went into his car without a word. I tried to follow him, and he just faded away like that. For unknown reasons. Then, it all started. He stopped texting me, and he rejected every call. He didn’t reply to me, and left me without a word.

“Fine, if you don’t want to” I decided to stop as I spoke him through the voice mail. “I don’t know what happened to you, and you know damn well I need an explanation, Oppa. But I guess I’ll just stop”

Everything started to left the room inside my heart, creating a wide, empty space as I went back into routinity. He was nowhere to be found, not even in the campus. Minseok and Yixing was there by my side, comforting me and as clueless as I do.  But I know I love him. I wondered, questionned, worried, frustated.

Until one day, that one call. It was the midst of the class, where I had to excuse myself and left the class without a word. I ran and took a cab to the hospital. I saw him, covered in a white sheet, lifeless.

“I love you” I whispered. “I love you so much that it hurts. I love you so much that I’m so worried about you”

“Do you still love me?” he asked.

I should’ve said yes. But there were no words coming out, as I started to remember memories. I remembered how we used to go to places, telling words and confessions were like water that flowed that easy. Then, I remembered how things changed. How I was happier. How I started to find something new, and slowly forget how cruel the past was.

And how he surprisingly comforted me, making me happier.

But then, something else caught my eye. I could see him there, at the basketball field, looking at me. Jongin was looking at me, while he held a basketball on his hand.

“Sunbae, what are you doing?”

Knowing that Jongin's here now, my world had somewhat stopped, not sure of what to say. But I knew that my heart beats faster, and how the street lamp shone on him. How his sweated tan skin glowed against the yellow street, and those dark orbs in his eyes twinkled, showing a faint glint of something unreadable. I saw worry, but there was something else. 

How can he be so...

"Come on" he walked to me and gently took my hand. "You might catch a cold"

click for the song

"Really?" I asked. "Jongin, its summer"

The male looked embarrassed at first, ruffling his head and his smile turned to an embarrassed smirk. Cute. And somehow, y.

"Well maybe" he tried some other words. "You might let mosquitoes get on you"

I laughed. "Then why are you here? You missed the ice-cream dinner" I frowned, upon the fact that he's absent after I rejected Sehun's offer.

Jongin scrunched his nose as he sat on the bench at the basketball field, while his other hand busy on dribbling the ball. "Jongin" I called him again.

"I don't know" he sighed. "Maybe I needed some distance"

But then, his dribbling stopped and he turned to me with a wicked smile. "About the ice cream dinner, I think one round isn't enough" he said. 

"You're right" I agreed.

And so we go to the nearest convenience store, buying some ice cream. Since Jongin didn't have his ice cream dinner, we decided to make another round on our own.

"I wanted to know what you think" I asked him as we sat on the plastic chairs outside the convenience store.

"About?"

"How you faced the past" I looked down, feeling that my grip was tightened and my heart beat faster. "Somehow, my own past seemed inevitable these days"

I know I sounded stupid here, but somehow, I need someone to talk about this. Leaving it silent can only lead me to more pressure. 

"What do you mean by that?"

"I used to be hurt in the past" I said. "But that doesn't mean my past isn't that bad"

I remembered how I found love when I found Junmyeon. How we cherished each other's moments before we finally parted and he was gone. The love that I had made me yearned for him, and worried of what was actually happened to him.

"It wasn't that bad" I repeated. "Falling in love. To love. To be loved"

"What happens next?"

"He left me" I looked down. "Nothing was wrong. One morning, he was gone. I was late. Stupid, why am I late?"

I could feel a tear, and I jerked it from my eyes. I feel tired of crying for the same thing. Memories started to pass into my mind again, as I remembered how he left me.

"Come on, Jane" Baekhee tapped me on the shoulder as I shrugged in my sleeping position. "You'll get sick if you keep doing this"

I looked at the crumpled paper on my left, his only message that he left. It was numbers, that I remembered very well. 23, 45, 98, 171. On my other hand, I saw the book, which I threw to the floor in anger.

Clearly he didn't understand how torn she was. And, how she had no reason to move on. Her worry was bigger than that.

"23. 45." I repeated those numbers. “98. 171"

"That's how he left me the message" I turned to him. "It was in this book, where he scribbled them"

23. There’s one thing for sure. Someday, you’ll realize that you cannot erase what you have written. You cannot rewrite of what has written.

45. And you will realize the important thing: time can’t keep the fire, but only keeps the ashes.

98. You will only miss the stories that we had, the ashes of the fire that once we had. You will only miss the memories, not the person.

171. And that’s why, everyone deserves another chance, perhaps with a different time, place, and maybe, a different person.

"I loved him too much" I said. "So much that it hurts. That eventually, I knew that I should have done what he asked, and left everything behind"

I looked up, hoping that he'd be up there, watching me. I remembered how my feelings weren't as deep as it was. How I grew tired after one year. How he told me to be happy. How it was hard for me to move on, when I get into this called schizophrenia.

And how I finally realized, I only missed the memories.

I was only doing the research merely for his message and to find that one person for his sake. I was looking for the truth instead of the past itself. It wasn't a recall, but a quest to fulfill. This hurting feeling was a disease, that trapped me for a long time.

"You only loved him in the past" he concluded. "You only missed the memories. And, you only remember them to finally go back to the same grudge that you've been holding onto him"

I was silent upon his thoughts. He was right. On the other hand, I was thankful that he's here. At least, for being a friend to me. 

"Sunbae, can I give you one advice?" he asked. I nodded, and he took a deep breath before he said,

"Move on" he was the same just like his sister. "You can be happier. You're not running out of reasons to live, even if he left you"

I don't know if I can make it. I'm not even sure if I deserve better. But somehow, his words and having him here, its enough. Having Baekhee, Chanyeol, Baekhyun, the remaining family that I had, and doing my job at the radio, and having my passion towards music made me feel enough.

Both of us went back into silence, as we  finished our ice creams and went back to the house. I know that he wasn’t talking to me, but I could feel his eyes were watching me close. And how he decided to walk behind me, it was the least he could do to make me feel safe.

“What do you think about Sehun?”

“Well...” I didn’t know what to say first, but then I continued. “Sehun is nice. He’s friendly and fun, without being awkward. He’s a good friend”

The question had somehow made me stopped, which later he followed too. His question was somehow dangerous, and making me curious at the same time. Stupidity, once again, took me again as I realized that he was...

“Wait” I stopped, and turned to him. “Jongin, why are you asking this?”

“I just wanted to know” he turned against me, hiding something behind. “You know, he’s being so nice to you. Its not bad to... continue, right?”

“You think so?” I threw back his words. “Are you sure? Tell me you’re not doing this”

“Doing what?”

“Jealous”

There, I finally said it. Jongin was embarrassed, on the other hand, laughing awkwardly to himself to hide his feelings. It didn’t work though, his actions clearly stated everything. “Jealous? Why would I?” he asked. “Seriously, Sunbae. I’m not!”

Jongin coughed for a few times before he finally got a hold of himself. Meanwhile, I was laughing mentally, thinking that his face was somehow cute when he was embarrassed.

“Then why did you say no when he asked you for bowling?” he asked again.

“That’s because I don’t want to leave you behind” I honestly answered. “I mean, yes, Sehun is amazing and he’s a good friend to start with, but I also have you, Jongin. It would’ve been better if we went altogether”

“You’re saying that...” he stuttered. “Y-you’re...”

“Well, Sehun made me happy today” I smiled. “But you made me happier. Than–”

In all of sudden, I felt his lips on my forehead. I didn’t know how fast it went, because even though he pecked my forehead, I could feel that time was slowing down to a pause when he did that. His soft plump lips felt warm on my forehead, slowly burned and lasted there, leaving the warmth there even he finally jerked away. He embraced me in his arms like he did last time, as I could hear his heart thumping from his chest. This time, he smelled like citrus and lemon. I replied, as I wrapped my arms on his waist, giving him my gratitude and a reply to his comfort. I wanted to know that I felt comfortable this way. For several minutes, we stayed still. His dark gaze was somehow looked interesting, making my heartbeat went faster as he slowly releasing his embrace, and gently rubbing on my shoulders. Jongin smiled like he never did it before, feeling all happy in all of sudden.

“I’m glad to hear that. Thanks, Sunbae”

Then, he continued on walking, leaving me behind. I slowly smiled as I walked behind him, somehow couldn't stop this accelerated heartbeats. I guarantee that'll happen on every next time he's here. Perhaps I might have developed some feelings, and it'd be bad to lose him now. 

But for now, this is enough.

*

“What am I to you?”

The summer night was warmer, and even warmer when those beautiful gaze landed on mine. Suddenly, I don’t see anything else. It was all just her, without the city lights, without the night sky, without this flowing waters in front of us, and most of all, without those make-up that were always covering her true colors. I looked into her eyes, as I put my hopes on her shoulder. She was shuddered for a split second, and I could feel she was somehow intimidated. But the sparks of her dark orbs told me something else, showing that what I did was not an intimidation. I could feel her hand brushed against my arm, as she sadly smiled.

“Home” she shortly said.

“Somehow, I always came back to you” her explanation started, and it was the best relief. “I wouldn’t even worry for another life, because I know there will always be you”

I don’t need confessions. I don’t need sweet nothings. The moment I listened to her words, I knew that I’m home. There’s no need to run to anywhere else, as long as I know where will I go home.

“You know what?” I giggled as I leaned closer. “I... I love you”

I could see her flabbergasted, but there’s just nothing that made me not smiling when it comes to her. “You always come back to me” I smiled. “And everytime you do that, I will always say this three words. Maybe it should be a magic word to call you here, but at least, its the truth that I’ll always say”

“You’re just being cheesy” she commented and pouted, unsure of my words.

“I’m serious” I hummed, playing her soft hair through my fingers. “I love you. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. I love you, and in the next life, I will do the same. Because I’m your home. I’ll be the one who stays here, and you will find me. No, I will find you even if you don’t remember, or I don’t, or worse”

She didn’t answer or saying the same three words. But when she laid down her head on my shoulder, I know that this is enough. This is beyond enough.

“Promise me” she slowly said. “That you’ll never leave me alone”

“I will”

*