Baekhee in all of sudden bursted her water to the ground. She was running out of breath, couldn't stop the cough but couldn't find out why. Of course, I knew it was coming. She’d be in shock, whether she had predicted this or not.

But the thing is, she was shocked knowing that Kim Jongin likes me.

"Yeah, I thought I was misheard that" 

"WHAT?" Baekhee freaked out. "Okay, I'm not, I repeat, I'm not, being a fan or whatsoever but him? Someone like him? He likes YOU?"

"I mean he's..." she can't even get it straight, before she leaned on and lowered her voice. "Okay. You're not even his type" she straightened her lips.

"I don't even know what type is his" I replied. "Don't even start from types and the adjustment. I don't even know how to react to him"

Baekhee was silent in all of sudden, before she released her second outburst. "You know what? This is... SICK! YEAH! Its sick, Jane! I mean sick in a good way because hey, he's this campus's darling!"

"Which made this whole feelings is much more risky" I sighed. "You know he's popular in girls, and its kind of dangerous..."

"Right..." she nodded. "How can I not notice it..."

"Yeah, you should've notice that first" I agreed. 

"No, silly" she wasn't talking the same thing. "I mean, it's obvious"

"What do you mean by obvious?" I didn't understand.

"Well, he showed some signs, right?" Baekhee asked. "Like, being nicer to you or giving gifts or indirectly asking you out"

I gulped the truth that was forming in a lump that I cannot swallow. He's been doing it all along, giving signs of affection. How can I not realize?

"Wasn't he just being a friend?" I asked.

"Great" Baekhee shrugged. "You're even putting him in the friendzone"

"Baekhee, I don't even know how to react" I frowned. "I mean, I'm still seeing him... you know, that someone else, although this is crazy but..."

"Its Junmyeon, right?" 

Baekhee knew too well of the situation, and I realized I was between two guys. One of them was even hallucination. She scractched her head, confused of what to say.

"I think you need some time" she proposed an advice. "Since this one's not easy"

Of course. Time and space is probably what I needed. It seems very confusing right now.

"But..." she blurted out again. "It was the first time he liked a girl"

I looked up. Realizing that I'm close to be his, yet so close to break his heart. I was also confused on how he didn't attracted to anyone when he's going around like a magnet to girls.

"You might see him very popular and it seems easy for him to take one girl and date her, but" she continued. "As far as I know, Jongin isn't someone like that"

"Do you think its odd to date someone younger?" I asked.

"I don't think so" Baekhee shook her head. "I heard that Baek Jiyoung's boyfriend is ten years younger than her. Its not a bad thing, Jane"

"I don't know, Baekhee" I shrugged. Jongin is making me nervous all over again and got me into confusion. I shouldn't listen, or cleaning his room that morning. For days, I’ve been holding myself from him, trying not to talk to him aside from the necessary ones. I’ve realized that I’m avoiding him, but somehow, I was confused by his sudden confession. Although I reminded myself that maybe this was wrong, but on the other hand, it was kind of strange to leave him like this.

 I don't even know if I'm ready for another relationship.

After everything that happened.

“That’s not what I’m worrying about” I shrugged. Meters away, right on the three o’clock direction, I saw Jongin who’s just about to get out from the building. Girls were approaching him, probably talking about something that I wouldn’t even care. But I saw his eyes. Fall for his smile, but his eyes was clear, looked tired and needed some space. He was happy yet uncomfortable at the same time.

And there. He saw me.

In seconds, he’d try to come here and greet us. However, confusion was consuming me, of whether I should take the invitation or playing hard by just leaving him. Isn’t it taking a lot of risks? Wasn’t he thinking that they could know his feelings? What if I was hated for this? Call me overthinking, but I could see this coming and it me into a hole of concern.

One new message.

I hope he understands. That he should be careful. That it didn’t matter if I’m older or anything, just a single touch shall break everything. That I was somehow, confused. Maybe, for this time, I should just go. Right?

Hey, I got something for you. Can you come here to the dance studio?

About time to run, and I shall give a thank you. I stood up and packed my bags, gave Baekhee a glance before I went down to find out. “Its time for class. I gotta go, Baekhee” I smiled and left her, finally left the scene.

click for the song

*

“Hey”

I smiled as I found Minseok in the dance studio. He was cheeky as usual, albeit the atmosphere was something that felt new to me. For years in college, I’ve never been into a dance studio. Of all places, why here?

“Jane” he clapped once, satisfied. “Perfect timing. I just finished my dance practice, and we’ve only got five minutes, so is it alright?”

“Yeah” I nodded. I wonder what did he got for me this time, since the last time we met, we were not on good terms. But the timing was right, and I needed a distraction from what just happened.

“I finally did it” he said, offered me a brown box. “Junmyeon. He was really hard to find, but there were some details that might help”

It took a long time for me to finally realize. This is it. I’ve made some first, little steps. I was clueless of what might have come, but this time, the truth is all that I need. Seeing Minseok doing some effort and finally handed this box to me, it made me felt guilty for being angry to him on the other day. I shouldn’t be a pushover, doing it all for my selfish needs of Junmyeon.

“This is...” I hesitated by my own guilty. “I’m sorry, Oppa. For the other day”

“Its alright, Jane” Minseok stepped closer, his smile widened. “I understand. Maybe he left something for you, and he wanted you to know that. Although this isn’t much–”

“This is more than enough” I said. “Um... thank you, then. Thanks for your help”

Minseok laughed. “You said it like I’m a stranger or something” he cheekily smiled. “Come on, we’re friends, and of course I’ve got to help you! This is nothing, alright?”

How can I forgot?

I slowly smiled and took the brown box. “Yeah” I nodded. “Thanks”

The door opened right after I said the last word, reminding me that my five minutes is over now. I hurried and walked out of the room, securing this brown box in my hands. There were another practice room next door and its empty, so I sped up and closed the doors.

Unlike the previous one, the air was light so I can barely smell anything. The wooden floor was smooth, occassionally making squeaky sounds. I locked the door and walked to the corner, as I sat down carefully and looked at the brown box that Minseok gave to me. Well, here we go.

I took a deep breath as I opened the dusty lid, slowly blew them and poking them away in the air, letting them joined the sun rays that crept in. The box was somehow a story that tells about himself, unlike the ones that he gave to me as a gift. Mostly are documents, certificates, that was quite old and they’re only came out in copies. Minseok didn’t want to be suspicious so he handed a copy to me, instead of the real documents.

“Missed me that much?”

I turned as I found Junmyeon was sitting next to me, copying the exact sitting pose and took a peek into the box. He looked around the dance practice room, with a smile that slowly crept into his lips. “I missed this place” he shifted, trying to lay down to the cold wooden floor.

“You were... dancing? Back then?” I asked.

He was laughing in embarrassment, unable to answer the question. “I was studying dance lately...” he said. “That’s what keeps you waiting. I remember how you were always mad and made that cute frown whenever I’m taking too long for dancing”

I slowly laughed, realizing that someone like Junmyeon can actually dance. He rarely tells me because I was already frustated due to the long wait.

“What makes you decide to learn this?”

“Well, it was because of my friend” he chuckled. “He’s a very good dancer, and I wanted to learn from him. Besides, it was a good stress-relief, alongside with singing and you”

I remembered how Junmyeon was finding another passion in college, despite he had his future written in papers, scripted by his father. How he was good at singing and started to dance. I would accompany him for singing, though, since he would ask me to play music. But for dancing, once again, my OCD-self is always keeping me away, because I don’t like the smell of sweat.

“You know... There’s another reason, the more embarrassing one, but...” he slowly took my hand. “I wish I could dance with you, Jane”

I wish he knew how frozen I was, hearing those words from him. How his wish repeatedly resonated inside my head, sticking inside me faster than a glue. Just imagining of how he would take my hand for a dance, it was sweet for him to say.

“You had schizophrenia, Jane”

Too bad he was as vivid as a hallucination. I was walking on a tightrope, a fine line between believing what’s real and what’s not. I know how real he was, yet I wanted him to be real to stay.

I couldn’t say anything. It was sweet, but sincerity is what shuts my mouth, couldn’t reply anything but a smile.

In all of sudden, the door was opened. Revealing another group of boys and girls, and as soon as they realized me, I was completely frozen.

“Sorry!”

I became clumsy, quickly putting back everything  into the box. I have to go to another room, or maybe I should just quit it. But Junmyeon, I turned around and there was no sign of him. I sighed, knowing of what happened and quickly walked passed the students who wants to use this room.

I went into the next room, and good thing it was empty. The empty dance practice room was kind of darker than the previous ones, but enough light to read what’s inside this box. I bent down to sit as I saw someone else from the shadows.

There’s no room that went empty, but unlike the previous rooms, I didn’t just walk out.

I kept my gaze at that person, who just walked out of shadows as soon as the music starts. He was focused as he fixated his gaze to his own reflection, as the music starts.

click for the song

His moves was started with a pose, a mannequin-like pose. He turned around on his heels, as his arms that held a fedora hat and a white shirt moved unlike any other human, with a blank expression that looked straight to the eyes of whoever’s watching. He was being a doll, that dances with grace and live freely for the first time.

The slow song crept into him, as he swayed around, dancing gracefully to the song. He was dancing into the rythm, being one with the music, as he took a shirt to his arms. The way he looked to the shirt and held to the sleeve, it was almost as if the shirt was human. The male put the sleeve on his shoulders, claiming that it was his. Then he put down the shirt, and started to dance by himself.

A simple moves played by his body, but enough to tell a story. The way he dances was different, he told a story with his body swaying around in grace. It was almost as if he was possessed by the song, changed by a different soul that expresses different moves and expression. A different soul that captivated me when he danced.

That different person went back to his initial position, and raised his arms, being a doll with his stoic face. He was turning back to Kim Jongin, as the music stops. Of course, I snorted to myself, how could he not dance like that? It was definitely him.

“Oh, Sunbae? You’re here” his face was shown clear by the light as he walked out of the shadows. His stoic face disappears as he went innocent with his smile, feeling shy of my presence. “What are you doing?”

I don’t even know what am I doing. I was just running into some random empty room, but somehow you made me stay.

“Ah, I was looking for you” I answered, although I’m sure that this isn’t true. “Someone told me that you’re looking for me”

He rubbed his hand behind his back, as he got nervous. “Umm... yeah, its about...” he tried to find the right words. “Someone’s looking for you. Just went to the campus and I told that person to stay at the lobby. He’s waiting...”

“Wait, what?” I didn’t understand. “Who’s is this guy?”

“I have no idea” Jongin shook his head. “Well, he said it was important”

“You’re not lying, right?” I asked him, feeling that there’s something suspicious.

“I’m not!” he answered. “He just came right when I’m on my way here”

I nodded, and realized that maybe he was right. Someone’s waiting for me, and maybe I should just get out of here.

“Okay, then” I got up and picked up my brown box, finishing this short moment. I  stole one last glance on him, who was going back into the shadows. He was being himself, despite his feelings to me. But what would he do if he finds out that I already know?

It would take a lot of risks, but I just wanted to put feelings aside and be a professional co-worker.

I opened the door, when I saw some girls were passing in front of the door. They were screaming Jongin’s name, buzzing around some other guy. Then, the world was somehow played in fast-forward as I heard hurried steps and a loud bang on the door that was closed harshly. My head almost bumped the door, but somehow a hand was preventing me from getting hurt. I looked to the box, that was dropped to the side, the contents scattered around the floor.

“Ssshh”

I turned around and found Jongin was only a few centimeters in front of me. His hand was next to me, as he tall figure shadowed me, and the lights reflected his features dimly, clear enough to see him. He cornered me, and we were both breathed in fear. He looked some sort of afraid, listening to those girls who were stalking at him outside. But as soon as his gaze landed on mine, I was sure that my heart skipped a beat. The heat was rising between us, for a few seconds that felt like years. He looked at me, and there was something I couldn’t fathom inside those deep, dark brown eyes.

“Jongin...” I breathed out his name.

A spell was lifted from him. His sneakers squeaked against the floor as he stepped backwards, his hand found its way again to the back of his neck, getting a hold of himself. “Sorry, Sunbae” he bit his lower lips, looked down and sighed.

Of course, this isn’t any of those cheesy romantic dramas. It was merely Jongin’s self defense, his tiredness over the girls that were chasing him.

“I understand” I nodded. “They’ve been bothering you, huh?”

“Yeah” Jongin approved. “Stalking and following me. Only liking me as a dancer, or someone who’s handsome...”

I snorted on his words. Seriously, can’t they give him a break? They surely had no idea of the word “privacy” in these days.

“Its quite sad for me, sometimes” he sighed. “They don’t actually like me for who I am”

I smiled bitterly over the fact that he was treated like this. People that liked him were only taking him for granted, when he was more than his good looks or his skills at dancing. Somehow, it made me feel sad as well, yet I pity them, for not looking at him as the way he is. On the other side, how can they not respect him when he needed space?

“I’m sorry, Sunbae” he apologized again. “It wasn’t supposed to happen. I mean, they could’ve hate you for being my senior in here, since we’re living along like this”

And I saw a clear fine line between us. Maybe home was a place with no boundaries, but in here, we’re different. I was just some student who’s being active as a radio announcer, while Jongin, he’s a star. Bright, yet he’s far too high. Apart from the junior and senior relations, our relationship was a misconception. It would be suspicious for me to get too close to him.

“I don’t want that” he said. “You’ve understood, right? Sunbae?”

“Its okay, Jongin” I smiled, looked down to the scattered files around the box and quickly tidying them up. Jongin followed my move, but I stopped him.

“You shouldn’t look at these” I warned him.

“But what is th–”

“Just continue on your practice, okay?” I smiled, my eyes dilated waiting for his answer. I really wanted him to stop helping me.

“O-Okay...” he hesitated as he walked back to tidy up his properties. “Sunbae, the guy he’s...”

“Waiting” I got up as I finished with the brown box and walked out of the room. “Thanks, Jongin. I’ll see you at home”

*

Apparently, the guy who waited me hasn’t left yet. An officer at the administration guided me to the long bench at the lobby. There was this guy who looked serious, ears plugged with earphones. His eyes dilated, reacting to something that he just watched on his Galaxy Tab. He didn’t looked like he was waiting, and he was wearing casual clothes, just like any other students in the campus.

The officer tapped on his shoulder, which made him surprised and quickly removed his earpiece. “She’s here” the officer informed, and he bowed politely, thanking the officer before there were only two of us. He seemed uncomfortable in this lobby, so we walked a few blocks until we reached somewhere not too crowded.

“I’m Jane” I introduced myself, as I saw him staring at me with his round eyes.

“Do Kyungsoo” he held out his hand. “I’ve called your number a few days ago, remember?”

“I thought I’ve told you that this is false” my voice turned cold. “Why are you here?”

“I wanted to inform you about your father”

Not this topic again. He needs to understand that I’m no longer attached to the man who I used to call as my father. The shivers and the hurt whenever he appears in my mind, me out of courage, leaving me in suffer.

“Kyungsoo-ssi” I tried to speak. “You don’t understand”

But Do Kyungsoo seems to have no idea. Or he’s just that hard-headed, keeps on putting reasons to meet me up with my father. He put out some files and passed them to me on the table.

“I have some proof, if you don’t believe” Kyungsoo retorted. “Your birth certificate, and your family registration, to prove that you’re legally the daughter of his”

“Legal documents won’t even change the way the history written” I looked to his eyes, stopping him from this topic. “The problem is not something legal or not. The problem here, is that you don’t understand what kind of man he is. I have my own reasons to not speak about my father, especially if its something that people won’t believe”

Kyungsoo stopped himself, turning down those files and looked back at me. His voice was stoic but his words pierced right to me. “What makes you think that I won’t? What makes you think that he doesn’t deserve any help? Do you even have some concerns towards your father? He’s sick right now, if that knocks enough into your senses!” he asked.

The questions he retorted made me holding back my tears. Of how my father had treated me, and how people were believing the false truth that he made. Shivers came into my body as I remembered him, something that anyone else won’t feel. Something that any daughter won’t feel.

“He missed you, Jane” he said. “Is it wrong enough for just a visit? I mean he’s–”

“He’s not what you’ve thought” I cut off his word. “Did you even know what he did to me? To my mother?”

Kyungsoo was in silent this time. He waited for the truth, looking into my teary eyes.

“I was abused by my own father”

He was surprised, falling into silence as he try to process the truth that he cannot fathom. Of course, it was a truth that was hard to believe. “You...” he lost his words. “But... how did he...”

“It doesn’t matter whether you’re believing it or not” I replied. “I’m not lying, if you would like to confirm that”

“How did he...” Kyungsoo coughed. “How did he do that?”

I took a deep breath before I started. I looked to him, to Do Kyungsoo, a nurse from some nursing house who self-proclaimed as my father’s defender. For the first time, someone was listening to this story, of how my father treated me in the past.

“It was long ago, when I was seventeen” I gulped, trying to hold back everything but the story as I continue. “Everything was just went normal, until he lost his job. I remembered that he was depressed, turning himself into gamblings and alcohol”

“Did you drink again?”

My father was just laughing upon my mother’s question, letting the walls hold his weight as he exhaled the alcohol that he consumed. He yanked away his wife’s arms that were trying to hold him as he grunted. “I knew it, Yoonhee” he whispered. “Stop acting like you don’t know”

“Get a hold of yourself” she held his shoulders, which was slid off again after he brushed them away. “Don’t you even think about our daughter?”

“Jane? Our daughter?” he bursted out in a bitter laugh before he landed his hand on her cheeks, slapping her hard until she fell. “She’s not mine! Not even my flesh and blood, Yoonhee. You know that very well” he exclaimed.

“You’ve been raising her and this is what you had thought?” she shouted back. “Jane is still your daughter!”

“She’s not” he pushed her away. “She never was. So stop being a by telling me these lies”

“Dad...”

She was the first one to realize, when she yelled to me in worry. “Jane!” she screamed my name as I heard my father’s footsteps. Everything was happened in split seconds, as I saw my whole world fell onto this cold wooden floor. But the scar was colder, hurtful yet cold against the winter wind. I could feel his kicks against my kneecaps, calves and arms. The wooden floor then brushed against me, I couldn’t even struggled when he pulled me, and threw me along with the cold that bite me into my bones.

“Dad!” I cried as he pulled a strand of my hair and threw me back to the cold ground. He was never been this heartless and cruel. Someone else, he wasn’t even my father the moment he walked in. He was a man who had lost his heart, blind by the truth that I could not fathom.

“Filthy kid” he said it low and clear. “Get the hell out of here”

“Dad! Dad!” I cried, a second late to the door that he just shut before my eyes. He was strong enough to made me crawled back in hurt and trying to open the door. But the ear-splitting voices of my mother’s scream and how everything broke down inside by my father’s rage, was scaring me to death.

“I’m not your father anymore” he said on the other day, with the same scent of alcohol and a glass that he pushed next to me, letting it touched my skin with its shattered pieces. “You’re nothing but a result of your mother’s affair behind my back, Jane. That’s why you’re a filthy child”

I could not fathom of why he was doing this torture to me. He was no longer the man who raised me as a proud father, but he was trying to vanish me from life. What caused so much hate to him?

He was nothing but a bipolar man who had lost in his own thoughts and judgements. Torture was what he gave before he cried and asked for forgiveness from my mother. He would hit my mother on one second, then he would say sorry while he cried beside my mother.

“Stop, please” my mother croaked as she felt that cold hand slapped across her cheeks, making her falling to the cold floor. The male was taken aback, as he bent down and cried.

“Yoonhee...” he cried as he sat next to my mother who was wounded. “I loved you so much... I’m sorry, Yoonhee”

It was worse than any hell in this world. To hear how hurtful my mother was, to feel every fist that he took on me, to lose every drip of blood and every litre of tears after every painful torture, it was one of the most hurtful times in my life.

“Jane...”

I was about to drown in the story when Kyungsoo called my name. I couldn’t look back as I felt these tears running on my cheeks.

“I-I’m sorry...” I closed my eyes, trying to erase this memory of torture. “I’m sorry...”

“Jane...” Kyungsoo sounded to worry more than before, but I couldn’t say any words. “I never knew that your father....”

“I-Its... okay...” I nodded slowly. I started to feel loss and couldn’t speak, shattered in shivers. The sight was somehow changing, remembering how the torture went hard to me. I could feel everything was freezing me down, making me unable to move. I heard voices of them, shouting and fighting as I started to lost my breath.

“Stop saying lies, Yoonhee! I couldn’t believe in you anymore!”

But then, someone else stepped into the scene, playing a fast-forward between us. In seconds, I saw him pushing Kyungsoo away, giving the male a threat.

“Why did you make her cry?”

Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo’s collar and their face were only inches ahead, as the scene gets worse. He was in rage in all of sudden, but Kyungsoo didn’t feel threatened.

“Who the hell are you?”

“Well, who the hell are you?”

Kyungsoo then pushed him away, pretty hard to make Jongin released him. Jongin stepped forward and gave Kyungsoo a fist on his cheeks. “What did you do to her, bastard? You’re making her cry?” he shouted in rage.

“Jane! Open the door! Hey! Don’t run away from me, you bastard!”

“I was doing nothing!” Kyungsoo fought back. Despite of his small figure, his fist was able to left some blood on Jongin’s lips. The one who got hit only wiped the blood on his lips, before he shot a glare to him.

“Are you even her boyfriend? Seems stupid, playing vigilante when you knew nothing”

Jongin went back with another fist on his stomach, making Kyungsoo pushed away even further. Kyungsoo, however, he was always able to reply it on the right places. Weak, but hurting on the right points. But Jongin was stronger, punching him without some mercy. They were fighting without knowing for how long, and there’s nothing I couldn’t do.

“Stop! Hey!”

It was Chanyeol and Baekhyun who finally get rid of them. Although it took some time and Jongin was quite hard to handle. I saw him struggling in Chanyeol’s arms, unlike Kyungsoo who looked calm after get separated from the fight by Baekhyun.

“Stop! Stop it! Don’t do this to Jane!”

“Yah! Kim Jongin!” Chanyeol was overwhelmed handling his younger friend. The younger one managed to struggle and tried to hit Kyungsoo again, but Chanyeol tackled him to the ground and locked him down. It was hard for Jongin to struggle this time because Chanyeol was much bigger than him.

“Jongin! Stop!” he shouted, pushing his head towards Jongin’s. “Don’t make me hit you! Calm the down!”

Baekhyun gets to handle Kyungsoo who was easier, and let him sat down before he checked on me. “Are you okay?” he asked, trying not to make contact with my skin.

“That bastard! All this time!”

But stupid, I couldn’t answer with this lungs that started to hyperventilate. As if all the nerves stopped working, I couldn’t make a move, listening to those voices of torture.

“Get the hell out of here! Just rot in hell with that bastard, Yoonhee!”

“Jane! She’s hyperventilating!”

“Jane! She was the reason! She was the start, right? She should get lost!”

I felt someone was running to me, putting a big hand to cover my mouth. The sight that was lost in blur was back after I held onto that person. Jongin was there, before my eyes, covering my mouth as he panted.

“Jongin! What the hell are you doing?” Chanyeol panicked as he saw this.

“Its anxiety that got into her” Jongin kept covering my mouth. “Hyung, get a bag! Quick!”

He was forcing me to breathe through my nose as we waited for a bag, keeping his gaze on my eyes. “Its okay, Jane” he said. “You’re not going to lose yourself”

But somehow, its still hard to breathe. Jongin didn’t give up, taking an empty paper bag from Chanyeol and covered my nose and mouth with it. I started to breathe and exhale into that bag, as his arms stayed on my shoulders.

“Look at me” he said. “Its alright, Jane. There’s nothing to be afraid of”

This was different than before. His voice turned soft, calming my nerves as I slowly breathe. He must have known this from his sister, doing this first aid on anxiety.

“Jane” he slowly smiled, despite his lips hurt from the wound. “You’re didn’t even realize that, right?”

How could he manage to smile in this situation? But somehow, it was a sign for me, that everything will be alright. I looked to his eyes, that always gave me a gaze that I couldn’t fathom. Those eyes were brown, dark, and beautiful. His eyes speaks more than any other parts, of words that he kept by himself. This time, they were speaking concern, and reassurement. Then, I took a bigger picture and looked at his wounded face that managed to feel nothing. He was hurting, but he was preluding my safety’s first.

Finally, I released the bag and breathe normally. He smiled proudly as he patted me and handed me a water-bottle. “You did it, Jane” he said.

“You did it, Jane”

Jane.

It was the first time he called me by my name. The way he called me, it sounded different. I hate to admit this, but somehow, it was...

“I-I’m sorry!” Jongin suddenly covered his mouth. “I’m sorry, Sunbae! I didn’t meant to said that...”

“Eyy, Kim Jongin, you little naughty brat” Chanyeol laughed on this scene. “Did you just act, huh? You’re trying to be an actor here?”

“Yaaah, he’s doing it to Jane after us” Baekhyun added. “Way to go, Jongin. Be careful, you might not catch up the next broad–”

“Hyung, stop it!”

Chanyeol and Baekhyun were laughing, while Jongin was embarrassed of what he did. He hit them lightly, covering his face and couldn’t even look at me. I slowly smiled, watching them flipping back the mood up.

But Kyungsoo, he was nowhere to be found.

*

Kyungsoo was missing for days, without even a word about my father. I knew I shouldn’t dig on this, but he had listened to my story. Something should be given in exchange of that information. Was he not believing my story?

But the last time we met, he dragged into a fight with Jongin. I understand well of Jongin’s concerns, but Kyungsoo was right about him being vigilante here.

“Why did you do that?” I decided to ask him.

“He made you cry” he answered, flipping through pages as he shifted in his bed. “Why, Sunbae?”

“You know” I scoffed, looking at the fish that was swimming inside the bowl. “You could’ve ask, Jongin. Kyungsoo was there to tell me something, but now he’s not even sending me a message”

Guilt was not even passed on his mind. He crossed his arms and looked at me, feeling annoyed. “So, the name’s Kyungsoo?” he asked sarcastically, without even dropping his honorifics. “He made you cry and he didn’t even say sorry when he supposed to”

“Jongin!” I frowned upon his reply.

“Wow” he’s still being sarcastic. “Why are you suddenly on his side?”

“Because you don’t know what he was doing” I sighed. “We were talking, and I was crying out for something else, but its not his fault, Jongin, if that’s what you wanted to know”

Jongin glared and rolled his eyes. “So you’re on his side” he muttered. “Who is he to you? Your boyfriend?”

“Whatever. Like you would understand the damn thing”

I felt like this conversation is just useless. He won’t even listen, and he was irritated by the moment I talked about Kyungsoo. I guess he’s not ready yet. So I turned my back against him and slammed the door.

Don’t even try to talk.

I’m tired.

However, something was new in this. I have to do my compulsory consultation with Dr. Kim Sunjoo, despite of our bad terms. I kept thinking about that word anxiety that Jongin named yesterday. Although my thoughts went back to that little fight that made things get worse in between.

But somehow, consulting to her was the same as riding the roller coaster.

“Come on, Jane” Sunjoo smiled as she throw all the contents of a trash bin onto the table. “Touch one rubbish. That’s all you got to do”

I stepped back, looking at those rubbish with fear. My hands were shaking and very afraid of them. But Sunjoo grabbed my hand and let me hold a banana’s skin.

“Doctor, no...” I looked away but Sunjoo didn’t give up. She made my hand gripped onto that banana’s skin. “I’ll count down to ten, and when I do” she instructed. “I want you to know what you feel when you touch this banana’s skin. The texture, just think about the texture. Okay?”

“But–”

“10” she started. I concentrated and slowly feel the fruit’s skin with my hands. I looked to it, still ripe and yellow with some black freckles. The skin was quite thick and not soft, more like kind of hard. “9... 8... 7... 6... 5...”

I tred to move my fingers along the skin but Sunjoo gripped my hand quite hard, so I couldn’t get away. “Hold on, Jane” she reassured. “4...3...2... and 1”

I exhaled the air in relief, finally getting this finished. So far, there were no whispers, hallucination, nothing else involved. I looked to my hand that started to get some germs and somehow it felt sad, yet happy at the same time to look at my hand like this.

“Well done, Jane” Sunjoo congratulated me. “So, how does this banana skin feels?”

“It was thick on the outside” I said. “But rough and kind of sticky on the inside”

“Good” she said. “Which means that you were concentrating to the real feels, rather than thinking of its germs. I want you do that to every single thing you touch, okay? Start to feel things with your bare hands”

“Wait, no gloves?”

“Of course” Sunjoo answered. “Just put yourself as a child who just learned how to touch. You were curious of how things feels, and by that way, you’re concentrating more on how the thing felt on your skin, rather than how you feel about touching them”

The consultation was not over yet, as I talked to her about the recent anxiety that I had and how I got another hallucinations yesterday. And how Jongin finally cover my mouth and gave me a paper bag to breathe.

“He was doing the first aid of anxiety, by forcing you to breathe carbondioxide before you try to breathe normally” she answered. “Anxiety is a part of your schizophrenia, Jane. I think you’re getting a lot more of this, so always consume the meds that I gave. Some of them are depressants for your anxiety”

“Already did, Doctor” I admitted. “How long will this take?”

“Around three to four weeks, depends on the patient” Sunjoo answered. “For now, you’re still on your acute phase[1] so take a few for the Invega[2] that I’ve prescribed before”

“Okay, Doctor” I answered. “How do I treat the anxiety then? Is there any medications?”

“The anxiety was caused by your hallucinations, so by taking the medications you’re able to reduce it” she smiled. “And the most important thing here is yourself”

“Myself?”

“Well, medications aren’t always what’s helping you the most” she explained. “You see, having schizophrenia also means dealing with the real causes that you have. In your case, its your family... and your love life”

“I don’t get it, Doc” I shook my head, not understanding this.

“You’ve got to accept that things went that way” Sunjoo concluded. “Move on”

Move on.

It was something that somehow, I haven’t done it well. Looking to myself, I was still trapped in my comfort zone. Afraid of the same thing that can repeat.

“Do something that makes you happy” she said. “Or, find someone that makes you happy. I’m sure that there are some people who sticks to you”

Her words were somehow resonated in my head. Have I ever thought of leaving it behind? Where was my acceptance of things that had happened for these past years? Moreover, how can I ever forgive the past? Especially my father... and Junmyeon?

Having these repeated nightmares were keeping me away from those thoughts. Of nightmares and hallucinations, I’ve been on a constant pain. The suffering that constantly tearing me apart, changing me into something that wasn’t human. For years, I’ve been living without a soul. Hiding behind routinity, and fake expressions.

That was all until I left London for Seoul.

“Jane?”

I even forgot that I’m still here, being human, living along the ticking seconds of consultation hours. I’ve been helping myself for weeks on this, but somehow what was missing is the help of others.

“Jane, let me inform you that there will be no consultation for the next two weeks” Sunjoo informed me, passing a pink card to my hands. “It’ll be a long time for you to improve, and I had to take some day-off. Sorry for the inconvenience, really”

“Why?” I asked, before taking a look to the card that she just gave. It was colored in cotton-candy pink, with small lavender bows along the envelope. I untied the bow, opened that envelope-like invitation.

“I’m getting married” she informed.

Somehow, I smiled. I’ve seen it in novels and other fictions, that marriage is one of the biggest moments in life.  Every woman’s dream, of the vows that will tie them to the significant other half for eternity.  

Well, I would never know what will happen in the next two weeks, but these things that I need to improve feels like homework.

*

“You’re invited too?”

Baekhee asked as we sat down for dinner. Everyone was excited after they got the invitation for Sunjoo’s wedding. Plus, they were happier when they knew I was invited.

“Its been a long time since we met her last year” Baekhyun said, taking on the sausage with his fork. “Yah, Park Chanyeol, this one’s burnt!”

“Duh, just throw it already, Baek” Chanyeol replied, not annoyed over his burnt cooking. He was in charge of making dinner for tonight, although it didn’t really work. Apart from that unlucky burnt sausage, everything was quite great. “Its still good, right?”

“Nope, its not” Baekhyun shook his head, but then he took a big scoop of the last plate of the dish. Clearly stated that he was a fan for his sauteed sausages and vegetables with tomato sauce. Chanyeol hit his head lightly and flashed his Cheshire Cat-like smile, “You shouldn’t crave more, Byun Baekhyun! Seriously, what the heck was that?”

It was a typical dinner, with Baekhyun and Chanyeol chatting and joking to each other. But someone was missing from the dining table, someone that should’ve jump into their conversations, or sometimes, starting a new forum with me.

“Hey, where are you going?”

Mood was something that flopped down against everything, and it made me feel not good for a few days. That fight, the recent consultation, and his sudden disappearance somehow destroyed my mood perfectly. I’m not even on my mood to talk or having dinner together.

So I walked away, creating a distance once again.

The clock’s ticking, counting and counting. Twenty four hours. Its been twenty four hours since we were fighting yesterday. We weren’t exchanging words ever since, nor even looking at each other. Maybe Baekhee, Chanyeol, Baekhyun or Sunjoo aren’t aware of this, but I couldn’t get over the fact that I was fighting with him.

Who was actually being distant in here? Me, for not talking or suddenly left the table? Or him, with this sudden disappearance and not even exchange words with me? Why did his sudden change hurt me so much, when I wasn’t even wrong for this?

“You’re here”

It was easy to find someone here. Baekhee found me, who was sitting on his bed, watching his goldfish swimming around like it never cared about my presence. She flicked on the lights that had been shut for the last twenty four hours, letting out a sigh since she knew that the owner isn’t here. She sat next to me and rubbed her hands on my shoulder slowly, showing a sign of understanding.

“No one dared to talk about him today” she said. “We all knew that both of you were fighting, but involving ourselves into the fight will make things harder”

I couldn’t get surprised over that. It is very certain that family knows what’s wrong with you, a lesson learned from moving into the Byuns’s guest house.

“He’s going to Jeju” Baekhee informed. “He just left this morning, handing us invitations to his sister’s wedding. He’ll be there for three days, until we came for his sister’s wedding”

“Right” I understood his reasons. “A family must do what a family must do”

A family must do what a family must do. Perhaps distance is what we needed now, since the time doesn’t seemed right for us. I knew very well that he’s being wrong in here, for interfering and playing vigilante. But he was right, for the time that he’d been a help to me. If it wasn’t by his help, I would have running out of breath.

“I’m not supposed to be like this” I forced a smile before I pulled it back. “I’m supposed to be guilty or whatsoever, but he’s...”

Now I sounded like I’m sad for his short departure. I sounded like I’ve missed him for the last twenty four hours of silence. But was it stupid, for feeling like this?

“It’ll take time, Jane” Baekhee replied. “I mean, Jongin’s younger than you and of course, he’d feel that way. He’d feel bad for being blamed over his help that he gave to you”

“You know” I couldn’t take my eyes of the goldfish. “I’m afraid that the fight... the fight will just give the end to everything”

I should have left him and contacted Kyungsoo for any information about my father. I should have not concern about this, knowing that he’s just going for his sister’s wedding preparations. But too bad, he’s been a good friend to me.

“It won’t be that easy” I said. “He’s definitely ignoring me, and it won’t be that easy to gain back what once we had”

She wiped away my tears and smiled. “There’s nothing that can be guessed for now” she gave an advice, “Before you two have a talk and resolve this. I mean, you should, Jane. You wouldn’t have his sorry or he wouldn’t have understand if both of you aren’t talking”

Baekhee hugged me, giving me some more comfort that I missed. Deep inside, I was grateful for letting her into my life. She was my only girl best-friend after all. And how could her advice go wrong? Maybe it is worth a try.

The hug wasn’t long, because Baekhee had some duty calls from Mrs Byun. So, she left me a little bit longer in his room. Jongin was only leaving for three days, but looking that everything hasn’t been resolved yet makes me somehow ached for his presence. The scent of him filled the atmosphere inside, slowly made me shifted down to his covers.

“I’m sorry, Jongin” I slowly whispered, as if I was whispering to him.

*

After I came into his room and gets comforted by Baekhee, I somehow changed my mind about what happened in our fight. For three days, I always dragged my feet to his room, just to take care of his goldfish or simply just looking to what he likes. I took some of his books and started to read them a bit, because turns out that he likes novels.

Three days was quite long and hard to endure, but those three days was somehow used pretty well. I started to know the things that seemed trivial about him, like his likes towards novels or some soccer jersey that shown his devotion towards his favorite soccer teams. Maybe he didn’t know, but I slowly started to getting to know about him. It was somehow changing my mind in a positive way, a start to think positive about Jongin.

However, the wait is over.

Here, at Jeju Island, I’ll see him again.

click for the song

“Hello!” an old woman greeted the the six of us when we reached the hotel. She stepped forward and hugged Mrs Byun and greeted Mr Byun and the others. She was known as Mrs Kim, Sunjoo and Jongin’s mother. The two families had been friends for years, and they were delighted for the big day, where Sunjoo will have her marriage today.

The wedding was held at Jeju Island, as the hometown of the groom’s family. Situated at a four-star hotel, the theme was to blend into the nature. So there’ll be some garden party and picnic in the wedding, to join into this summery air. Everything was colorful and prepared carefully, planned by Kim Sunjoo herself.

“You finally came” Sunjoo smiled as she appeared next to her mother. “I’m glad, Jane. Thank you for coming”

“You’re welcome, Doc” I smiled back. “Congratulations for your wedding”

“My reception is still two hours ahead” Sunjoo chuckled. “Quite early, but, I’ll take that. You’ve been doing what I told, right?”

“Of course” I nodded.

“So, this is Jane, right?” her mother, Mrs Kim, pointed at me. “I’m Sunjoo and Jongin’s mother. Its nice to see you”

I bowed to her and smiled. “Its nice to see you too” I replied.

“You’re really pretty, Jane” she complimented. “I heard a lot about you. You’re Jongin’s senior at the radio show, right? I’ve listened to the radio show! Its really good”

“Thank you so much, Mrs. Kim” I thanked her for another compliment. The other family member showed up beside her, this time holding a baby girl. What was surprising to me is that baby girl’s face somehow brightened when she saw me.

“Rahee, good girl” the woman complimented before she turned to me. “Hello, I’m Myunghee, Sunjoo’s older sister. And this is my baby girl, Rahee”

I smiled to see the baby girl, however. So I gave the woman a bow to show some respect and introduced myself. “I’m Jane. Its nice to see you” I smiled. “And to see the baby as well”

Rahee, the baby girl, was somehow delighted to see me. She was smiling and laughing, which made the women started to play at her. “Rahee looks so happy, are you happy to see Jane-unni, Rahee-ah?” Sunjoo pinched her cheeks.

The little family gathering went for awhile before we proceed to the hotel for our preparation. Then we went to the ballroom, where drinks and snacks are served before the wedding reception outside. I sat down with Baekhee and chatted for awhile with some snacks and drinks.

“Where’s that punk anyway?” Chanyeol sighed as he sipped on his cocktail.

“Maybe he’s sleeping, dude” Baekhyun said. “Or busy prepping up on Sunjoo”

“Or is he playing with his puppies?” Baekhee asked.

“Why are you guys even looking at him?” I shut them all. “He’ll come, of course”

The three of them turned to me, who’s just calmly sipping the glass of my cocktail. I somehow looked like I made my head clear about him, when I was nervous inside. I have this little fear of him that he’ll ignore me again when he came, but I held onto Baekhee’s words. I wasn’t here only for the wedding, I have something else.

I need to resolve this with Jongin.

Time passed, but somehow, he was busy to the wedding. The guests came along to the garden outside the hotel, where the view of the sea and the beaches was potrayed perfectly. A few meters away from the garden’s cliff is the altar, small gypsum pillars with a small white podium formed a stage where the bride and the groom said their vows and the famous phrase, “I do”. The altar was beautiful, decorated by sunflowers that seemed summery. Connected to the altar is the pathway, which is only a path of ground with flowers on the edges, which gives a natural look. Its an assimilation of spring and summer, where white roses mostly dominates the decorations, along with the baby’s breath for the spring and the sunflower for the summer. Sunjoo picked on the white roses, because of their pure color conveys respect, pays homage to new starts and expresses hope for the future, and baby’s breath means purity of the heart and everlasting love.

At 10, the wedding starts. The weather was great, sunny at the right temperature where people didn’t feel too hot, along with the soft wind from the sea that blew the garden. Wedding music starts to play as the bride, Kim Sunjoo, arrived with flowers on her hand. She walked confidently, despite the path was a ground that’d make her trip, but she kept on walking slowly. Sunjoo is beautiful in her long white dress that showed her fair-white shoulders, with her hair tied up in a bun, decorated with baby’s breath flowers.

And guess who’s taking her to the altar.

Dressed up in a simple tuxedo and tousled hair, Jongin held his sister’s hand and took her to the altar. The way he looked at his sister was somehow deep and meaningful, he loved her as a sister and somehow, he looked proud. His sister was finally married and left the house, which also made him looked kind of worried.

Sunjoo finally reached the altar with her groom, as they held hands together. Vows are starting to be read and exchanged, also putting on the wedding rings.

And of course, the famous phrase.

“Do you, Kim Sunjoo, accepts Kang Joonhee as your husband and willing to live through his good and bad times, until death separates both of you?”

“I do”

“You may now kiss the bride”

Sunjoo gets a kiss from his new husband, slow and passionate. They both looked so sweet and lovely as the newlywed couple. Baekhee, who sat next to me, looked stunned and jealous at the same time.

“You know” she whispered. “I want to get married after this”

“Seriously, Baek?” I looked to her, holding laughter. “You sounded desperate”

Of course, who wouldn’t want a marriage? Marriage is always a goal to achieve in life, especially for girls who consumed fictions.

“Well, then” I whispered again. “I’m in too, Baekhee”

“What was that, Jane?” she laughed this time. “You’re being cold at once and now you’re wanting a marriage? Tell me who was actually desperate”

*

click for the song

The wedding continued to a dance party held at the ballroom. Moods and genres had been changing the way people acted on the dance floor, since Sunjoo had her own playlist for the wedding dance party. She looked happy, dancing with her husband in her simple cocktail white dress. The couple initiated the first dance, making people stunned once again.

After the first dance, the songs gets more upbeat. People started to fill the dance floor, dancing along to the beat. Some of them took in charge of singing the song that has been prepared in the playlist. Some of the others rocked the dance floor. This was supposed to be an invitation for the dancer.

But somehow, I didn’t see him dancing.

Strange, though. Dancing was always his passion, and he’s shy to dance in here, at his sister’s wedding. But why would I care, anyway?

I looked along the people, occassionally would laugh at some people who dance quite wacky in here, or smile to the couples (especially Sunjoo) who looked happy together on the dance floor. However, I’m not interested to join them. So I went to the snacks table for another food and drink, uninterested of anyone who asked for a dance.

“You’re not dancing?” Jongin suddenly appeared, munching biscuits with his gaze kept at me.

“Well, are you?” I asked back, wondering why he’s not there.

Not even Jongin can do that.

Hasn’t he forgot that he left and made both of us fell into bad terms? Now he’s here, talking like there’s nothing happened. Jongin looked different, however, with his hair tousled and with the same tuxedo, this time with a tie instead of a bow tie he wore earlier at the reception. But looking to the way he talked now, I guess he’s no longer mad.

“Too bad” he said.

“You just wanted me to dance, right?” I looked to him dully, knowing what he meant.

“Nope, why would I?” he pouted and shook his head. “At least I’m not alone, not dancing in here”

“And why aren’t you?” I got back to the first question.

“I was just...” he rubbed the back of his neck but then he dropped it and looked away, trying to act cool. “Bored. I’m just bored”

“Tch” I rolled my eyes. “Kim Jongin, bored of dancing? What happened to all the excitement?”

The song suddenly stopped, and changed into a slower tune. Jongin, in all of sudden, put away my drink and grabbed my hand to the dancefloor.

“Jongin!”

“You should try, okay?” he smiled. “Don’t worry”

click for the song

In the midst of people, Jongin was guiding me to dance. His right was holding my hand and his left held my waist, making us inches closer. He couldn’t look me in the eye, however. But he kept on guiding me.

“Just hold on to me” he said. “And follow my step, its just stepping to the right and left. I won’t do much, so don’t worry”

“What if I trip or something–” I stuttered in worry, but then he cut off my words.

“Its alright, Sunbae” he reassured with a smile. “I got your back”

So, I followed him. Left, right, sometimes forward and backward. I’m embarrassed, counting on how many times I stepped on his feet. But as the song goes, somehow my clumsiness starting to reduced and gone.

Jongin, meanwhile, was so gentle yet forgave me for being clumsy. He held me tight, but not making me uncomfortable, yet he’s afraid if I might fall. And the way he looked at me, it was deep, and different. I could feel that those words I heard one morning, they might be true.

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I wanna spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby I'm amazed by you

His scent was somehow the only air in here, making me somehow felt sleepy. He was looking at me with the gaze that I could not fathom, so I slowly lay my head to his chest, as we kept on dancing. This way, I won’t look at his gaze and looked away afterwards with awkwardness. I looked to his shirt, which was kind of stupid for me.

“Is this count as an apology?” he asked, making me looked back to his eyes.

Is it? Is he doing this because he wants to say sorry? What is he trying to do in here?

I don’t know what to say, actually.

“Lets talk about that later” I finally made him wait. “Maybe after this song ends”

“Cool” he agreed.

Cynosure Graphic Shop

Spotlight Posters

*

click for the song

The night was young as we walked away from the crowd to the garden. Stars hung up high on the sky, watching us walking side by side. There were no other voices than the breathing of the onshore wind, and the sound of the waves that hit the shore. The air started to get cold as the wind blew, but Jongin then held my hand.

Our feets passed along the altar, that has been cleaned from the mess, but hasn’t removed yet until the next morning. Why is he bringing me to the altar?

“This place is too dark” he commented.

He walked around to find some lights. The altar was actually had some lights behind the decorations, and once he flicked on the switch, it shone beautifully with flourescent yellow lights. He then stood at the altar, waiting for me to come.

Funny how he made things looked like a movie.

Why is he making me like this? Waiting at the altar like wedding couples do? He’s making me infatuated yet confused at the same time. After all that happened. Should I get back to square one, where we should resolve this?

“I thought we were fighting” I said.

“I thought that we should talk” Jongin replied.

I smiled, knowing that we were on the same page. He realized about this, and waited for my words. I walked closer and stepped to the altar, facing him and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry”

“I’m sorry”

I stopped talking, and saw him who just said the same thing. Jongin laughed in embarrassment and decided to take the first chance. “Sunbae, I’m very sorry” he said slowly. “About Kyungsoo, I know that you’re very mad about that. You had your own reasons with him, and.... I’m just too stupid to miss that. I should’ve said this earlier, and sorry for um.... for not telling you when I left for Jeju”

The way he said his apology was somehow cute and seemed shy. But I’m glad that he’s man enough to step up first and realized on his mistakes. “So, Sunbae” he looked down and afraid to hear my words, “Do you... forgive me?”

I slowly smiled, how can I not forgive him?

“I do”

Jongin suddenly smiled and laughed. His arms caught me in a hug as he got into the excitement and gave me warmth. “Thank you, Sunbae! Thank you!”

But then again, he stopped what he was doing. He then stepped back and being his shy self, regretting what he just did. “Were you mad for that, too?” he asked.

He was afraid that I’m being my OCD-self and getting mad at him again. But the truth is that, his touch was somehow made me stay, and I don’t feel uncomfortable whenever he does that. And I have to endure, however, remembering the doctor’s advice.

“Its okay” I smiled. “You’re just beyond excited”

“How come you’re not–” he’s still confused

“Your sister told me to endure it” I said. “So its alright”

So there we are, stood together in the altar for an apology instead of exchanging vows. We’re not a couple, but somehow, we owned the place. Behind everyone’s eyes, we were merely ourselves, being comfortable with each other.

I looked to the stars, knowing that I couldn’t handle looking at him. I didn’t care about how much feelings that he had or how I should cope up with the past when I’m not ready for love, but for now, just for now, I want to enjoy this moment. I want to thank him for this. I looked up, silently thanking to God, and taking a longer look of enjoyment to the stars above.

“So you like stars?” he asked, quite rhetorical but its not wrong to answer it.

“Yeah” I nodded. But Jongin came up with another idea, “Sunbae, don’t you get tired of standing? I mean, we could get our necks hurt by seeing like this”

He guided me again, this time to the grass field which is not far from the altar. There was nothing but grass that stood by the cliff, facing the night sky full of stars. He opened his suit, leaving him only in his white button-down shirt and black pants.

“Sit here” he patted his suit that is now laid on the grass. Without words, I sat down next to him. Jongin quickly laid down looking at the stars, and he asked me to lay down as well. But the grass...

“Its alright, Sunbae” he took my hand and guided me to touch the grass. “You’ll hurt your neck if you’re sitting”

I tried to struggled, but then he got up and looked to me. “Hey, its alright” he said. “Think of how the grass felt on your skin”

And so I took a deep breath and feel the soft grass that was warmed by the humus but cold by the wind. As I laid down my head, I felt that there was something better than cotton pillows to lay down your head. I tried to get away my thoughts off from my hygiene concerns, and looked up instead.

It was like looking into a map of constellation, watching them travelled along the sky. The twinkle of their lights sometimes appeared, like the blink of an eye. Although the wind occassionally appeared, but the sky was clear as crystal tonight.

“They’re always beautiful” he mumbled. “Right? I mean, you can never get this in Seoul”

“Yeah, because there were no lights in here” I answered. “I thought only girls like this”

“What? You think I don’t like cheesy things like this?” Jongin asked. “I’m a star expert”

“Really?” I can’t believe that he learns about constellations and such things like I do. So I pointed one at the corner. “What’s this one?”

“Its Pegasus” he connected the stars with his index, creating a picture of a constellation. I smiled and continued to point another, “Okay, what about that one?” I asked him.

“That one?” he followed my index. “Its Hercules”

Then, I moved my index finger, pointing on the brightest star just above us. “Okay, what about that, Jongin? The bright one above?”

“That is Vega” he pointed at the constellation. “Its obvious, because its the brightest and its above our heads. If you connect Vega, and a star over there which is Deneb and Altair, it’ll form a summer triangle. Three brightest stars at the northern hemisphere”

“You knew about that too?” I was stunned.

“Told you that I’m an expert” he smiled. “From the summer triangle here, we can spot some other constellations, like Aquila, Lyra and Cygnus”

I looked back to the stars. Wondering how would people have such imaginations, connecting stars and potrayed them as creatures from a certain mythology. Looking at the stars that guided their paths to their destinations.

“How did you know all of those things?” I asked him.

“My father” he shortly answered. “He’s a fan of astronomy, and had been working in the astronomy museums and fairs. Stars are his specialities, and he would tell me stories about them before sleep”

“But where is he?” I didn’t spot him on the wedding today, so I asked again.

“He... left” Jongin spoke, his voice trembled. “It was merely a thypus, but somehow, it took his life away. I never thought such common, curable disease, could actually take someone’s life”

Jongin slowly wake up with his shoulders trembled. He covered his face, slowly crying inside his cover. I followed him, slowly getting in between his knees and gave him a gentle hug. I might afraid that he might push me away, but he didn’t. That time, I realized. We always have someone to miss, that we loved and deserved our tears when no one’s looking.

“I missed him” he cried.

“I know” I hugged him, letting him cry on my shoulder. “I know”

“I’m afraid, Sunbae” he pulled away, looking down with his teary eyes. “I’m afraid that I can’t be a good man to lead the family. Ever since father left me, I was the only male in the family, but I’m just being spoiled and immature, I can’t even keep them, the people father had left for me”

“Jongin” I ran a hand through his hair. “Your father believed in you. He’s proud of you, and proud of what you’re doing now. Your sisters are now married and live happily, and they helped you a lot in this”

But then, he just cried in front of me. He didn’t show his face, but I slowly wiped his tears, only cared about him for now. Jongin was surprised, but then he finally stopped crying.

“I’m sorry for bringing this up” I said.

“Its okay” he shook his head. “I’m pretty touchy when it comes to my father”

I stood up and picked up the jacket that he used for my seat, handing it to him as the replacement of tissue. But then, he pulled the jacket and hold me tight. Instead of him, he’d rather put it on me who’s easier to get cold.

“But you–”

“Ssshh” he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me for a hug to shut my mouth. “Sunbae. Please hold on a minute”

I could speak of any words, as he held me tight. Slowly, I put my arms around his waist, giving him some comfort. Because he needs one.

“Stay like this for awhile” he commanded.

The last time we were like this, he was the one who comforted me from those hallucinations. Now, he’s the one who cries, and I’m the one who comforts him. I didn’t care, though. All I ever cared about was making him feeling better, and let him cry on my shoulder. In the midst of the cold night, we had each other for the warmth. We inhaled on each others’s scent, holding on together.

And none of us dared to break away.