Seoul

I made it back to Seoul. Its been 36 hours but his smirk before the elevator closes kept playing in my head. I’m sure its no coincidence since he lived in that apartment. But however, I still can be in relief because I’ll never see that dog again.

Being up 40,000 feet from the ground for nine hours was making me quite sick and uncomfortable. The person next to me was sleeping like crazy, with the strong wine smell that made me feel dizzy. I tried to sleep as well, but I can only endure for a few hours. Up in the air, sleep is just somehow useless and made me into an insomniac. I was just busy doing things like watching movies and reading books.

Well, at least there was this lifesaver.

520 pages, with a eerie brown cover, but a lovely scent that you can only get from a book. A story that was written by Kai, who I thought was a Japanese guy. But I think its just his pen-name that writers use to hide their identity.

You can’t run away. The elevator is just a metaphor for those who didn’t believe. But sometimes, what was called a metaphor was true. It was a concept, designed for humans. More than science, where humans go beyond dimensions.

I held on to the rusty doors of the elevator, looking at them. Rain fell all over the place, as I saw her crying. Facing the burden that she couldn’t carry, she was trying to be strong. How can you endure to browse down the murder of someone you loved?

“She’s just like one of you”

I gasped, facing on a fact that is beyond my thoughts and logics. Imagine herself, enduring the same life, the same stages and dimension that I have been through. Those repetitive dosages of amnesia that she has to experience, that elevator that trapped her and lost her in years of living in a body of other human.

"You read that too?"

I turned and found the awaken passenger next to me. She looked excited, although I'm kind of annoyed. Well, the answer is quite visible here.

"Oh my god" she gasped. "Kai was like, the best writer I've ever known"

"Oh yeah?" I doubted that.

"Hell yeah!" she giggled. "He's one hella fine man, seriously. Mysterious, and there's no news of his identity!"

She then scooted closer, as I tried hard to endure her horrible morning breath. "Rumors said that he's a handsome young man, like a K-Pop boyband member!" she whispered.

I don't care whether he's handsome or not. What I cared about is her horrible breath, and try to offer her some mint.

"Yeah, don't believe too much in rumors" I said. "I'm reading now, so..."

"Okay" she smiled. "Their love is just, so above and beyond. I really like their kind of romance, and... their proposal as well!"

Seriously, when will this ever stop?

"Don't believe too much in spoilers too" I said. "Or you'll lose the whole excitement"

I didn't know how she reacted, but I just kept reading. She was true that Kai is a good writer. The story is well-written with a strong concept but manages to put it along with romance and the thrilling mystery of the murder. The case building was good and understandable, its like you can see the details clearly and you can able to make your hypotesis. He's able to make readers root down for the main couple, and gather clues for the case.

But I'm not going to be his overly fanatic fan. Its just an objective opinion of a reader.

*

There she is.

Byun Baekhee. My one and only friend, who can be identified just from her clothes. Denim jacket, white t-shirt, with skirts and boots. Even her hair looks pretty, tied up and showed her bangs. I always admire her sense of fashion, and she’s one of those rare people who understands “OCD”s like me. Most people admire her, to be exact. She’s like a model coming out from the magazine, they said, but as soon as they tried to be friends with her, they backed off.

“Jane!” she wrapped her arms around me as we got into excitement.

Maybe its because of me.

However, Baekhee is one of a few people that I allowed to get closer. She’s clean as always, and that is why I’m not afraid.

“Its been a long time, Baekhee-ah” I smiled. Baekhee helped me to bring one of my luggages as we departed from the airport. “I missed you so much, you know” Baekhee replied. “Seriously, was London that amazing to you?”

Its always is. I nodded, as my mind travels to the good times I had. The memories I had in London when I was just a little girl. But then, what happened two days ago was somehow a bad luck, and a thrilling memory to remember. I followed her as I listened to her stories, or what happened when I’m leaving Seoul.

To be honest, I’m not the fan of this city. I do have lots of sweet memories and I was raised in this city. But Seoul, is where I experienced my worst parts in my life. Memories that made me tremble, made me afraid to come again to this city. If it wasn’t for the exchange program and the radio show that the company has assigned to me, maybe I wouldn’t bother to come back here.

“Worried?” Baekhee read my concerns as the car traveled along the toll road. “Not really”, I replied. “Its just...”

“That?” the word ‘that’ refers to something that shouldn’t be talked, even between us. But Baekhee understood, as she put her hand on my shoulder.

“I won’t let that happen, okay?” she said. “Seoul has gone through a lot of changes since you left. Even my life’s just had major changes. Mother started to move in to Seoul, along with Father as well. Anyway, Jane, you’re not planning to live anywhere else, right?”

“You know that we planned to live together” I simply answered. Baekhee and I had been talking about this for the last three months, asking me to live together and promised me that she’ll be clean just like I did. Its my payback for leaving her too long.

Night has come as we reached Seoul. Both of us had showed symptoms of hunger, but Baekhee planned to eat dinner in our apartment. She was right about the major changes. Our apartment had somehow changed into a house with high fences and a little garden along the short pathway. A board was hanged on the fences.

Byun’s Guest House.

It was bigger than I could expect. A simple, typical Korean homes, with two floors. The house was dominated with cream and a light wooden-like color. Just like guest homes in common, the house has a lot of rooms. A strong smell of gochujang quickly run into my senses as soon as I stepped into the house. Baekhee told me her mother was making that for their monthly supply, since a lot of people will come to the house.

Yes, crowds.

I never thought that I'll live in a house that is very crowded. I couldn't talk the whole time, feeling uneasy of this new, strange, environment ahead. Baekhee has brought me deeper. The people that only I've heard from her stories are now here in front of my eyes.

"Come on, Jane-ah" Baekhee patted my shoulder and we walked down the stairs, going to the dining room for my first dinner.

"You know" I whispered. "If you're someone else, I would have already left the house"

"It wouldn't be that easy" she smiled. "Besides, a little crowd is never wrong right? The more the merrier. You should try to live like this"

There were never been this much of people on many meals that I had, and ir made me feel nervous. But I have to do it for Baekhee, sitting down with her parents and her family. I sat down carefully next to her, and next to me is a guy whose age's the same as mine, smiling to me.

"You must be Jane Lee" he greeted, holding out his hand. "I'm Byun Baekhyun, Baekhee's twin brother"

I hesitated, and facts about these germs starts to popped up in my head. Shaking hands can spread the virus of influenza and salmonella. Baekhee quickly noticed and yanked away his hand. "She's scared to new people, Brother. Saying hi is enough" she said, which made him pulled back his hand.

"Eyy, what's wrong with that, seriously?" another guy commented her, sitting across me while munching his meat. "Baekhyun's just trying to be good. He didn't even had some insects or something"

Aware of my reaction, he turned his head and swallowing his dinner. "I'm Park Chanyeol, by the way. Its very nice to meet you, Jane-ssi" he greeted.

"Nice to meet you" I replied them both and continued eating. But as soon as the dinner continues, Baekhyun and Chanyeol grew curious on me.

"I never saw you before" Baekhyun said. "Although you went out with Baekhee a lot, we never get to see you"

"You're not tired of following her shopping, right?" Chanyeol joked. 

"Of course!" Baekhee answered. "You see, Jane and I had a lot in common. Shopping is one of them, that's why she's not nagging like you guys!"

It feels strange for me, seeing someone as loud as them. Baekhee and Baekhyun went to different schools since their high school years, breaking those common stereotypes that twins always go together.

"What major are you taking?" Chanyeol asked. "The four of us are going to the same university but neither Baekhyun or I ever saw you on campus"

"I'm taking Mass Communication" I answered. "I don't really like to stay at the campus, so I often go outside"

"Ah, then where do you go?" Baekhyun asked. "You're not shopping all day with Baekhee right?"

"Aigooo" Baekhee pulled Baekhyun's hair behind me. "You don't like it that much? Then don't ask me to buy eyeliners tomorrow!"

"Stop it, Baekhee-ah" Baekhyun cringed. 

"Both of you, please!" their father started to shout at them. "Aigooo kids these days, seriously. Cut it off!"

"Okay" they both replied. Chanyeol couldn't hold his laughter and Baekhee's mother just smiled. "Its been a long time since the last catfight" she mumbled. "Please don't mind them, Jane-ssi. You're okay, right?"

"See? You even scared her" Baekhyun teased, which only replied by a glare from Baekhee. 

I'm guessing that won't be the last, then.

*

The noises just won't stop in this house.  Baekhee watched drama along with her parents, and Baekhyun and Chanyeol just busking along at the balcony. 

I decided to just sit down in my new room, adjusting myself to this new environment. I took my guitar and started to play without singing. 

Its been three hours and I still feel uneasy in this new house. Noises just won't stop me from getting distracted. A big difference to my calm, ambient, and peaceful apartment in London. Some space is what I needed, to rest myself from the crowds. And, a new family.

Family. For years, I've been living so fine without a family. Why would I need a father who paid me when I can work by myself? Why would I need a mother who cooked me meals and clean up my house when I can do it by myself? Humans can only depend on their families for at least two decades, then they'll start to live on their own. Family is just for those who are scared and dependant. They lasted for a while, even trust can't live for a long time in them. If they ask me about this damn word, perhaps I would just say I have none. And I don't even need one, reminding that family, isn't always what's common. 

One song to another played by these six strings. The night was calm, stars twinkled shyly as they looked down the city lights illuminated under them. I saw the full moon, glowing in their calm yellow light. A bottle with a transparent white liquid opened, as the fragrance of jasmine travels along the room, and touching my nose softly. I breathed deeply, slowly letting the scent calmed my nerves. In a minute or two, I'll fall to a sleep.

"Jane-ssi"

Maybe not. 

It was Baekhyun and Chanyeol, suddenly barged into my room. I was about to spit some cold words to push them away, but they didn't give me a chance. They both smiled, for some reason that I don't know, but I swear I'll punch them if they're trying to do something bad.

"I didn't know you're good at playing guitar" Chanyeol commented. "See, I told you, it was her! You know that Baekhee couldn't play guitar!"

"From all the stories I heard about you, I never knew about this one" Baekhyun said. "Can you play it once more? Please?"

"Sorry" I wanted to say no, "But I need some sleep. I'm tired from today's flight"

"Just one minute, please?" he pleaded. "Just one song, and we'll quickly go away"

"You're really good back then" Chanyeol added. "As mates of guitar players, I'm quite impressed, seriously"

Its just feels uncomfortable to do it, not to mention Baekhyun and Chanyeol that made me nervous. So we decided to move to the living room, to avoid them spreading germs across my room. I sat down on the couch and slowly adjusting my guitar. My mind's lost as I started to play on those six strings, without singing or anything. Just ignore them and play the strings, moving chords from E to B and so on. Just as I stopped, they both clapped their hands.

"Oh my god, you played 2NE1!" they both chirped. I don't know if its me or they just sounded like a fangirl. "Its I Don't Care, right? Or I'm The Best?"

"Lonely" Chanyeol answered. "Dude, you still need to learn this. You made me feel humiliated as a fan"

"At least its just in front of one person" Baekhyun replied. "However, you did great, Jane. You must be playing in a band, busking around with your guitar"

"Dude, we can form a band now!" Chanyeol snapped his fingers. "We got a vocalist" he pointed to Baekhyun, "And a drummer with 1000 watt smile and a guitarist!" 

"What do you say, Jane-ssi?" Chanyeol asked, pleading with his puppy eyes and wiggled his eyebrows. "Do you want to join our super-cool flower boys busking-band as our flower girl guitarist with no auditions and additional charges?"

That was the longest offer I've ever heard but, "I don't think I can't do that" I muttered. "I have lots of things to do, like college, radio and other things, but sorry guys. I can't"

I stood up and started to walk but Baekhyun stood up. "Come on, Jane! Really? Not joining? You'll regret for that!" he said.

"Can I go to my bedroom now, Baekhyun-ssi?" I asked. "I'm here to play one song, not to join a band. And I'm tired now, so please don't barge in again"

I shut the door and crawled into the covers, as I heard them talking from outside the room. "Lets try again later, Baek. She's tired" Chanyeol said.

Baekhyun sighed and replied, "I don't know, Chanyeol-ah. I think its gonna be hard, but its too bad to waste her too"

"Just sleep for now" he cheered Baekhyun up. "Maybe she'll changed her mind"

I felt more guilt creeping inside me as I heard their footsteps leaving away. I missed the scent of my covers that brought me to sleep. For hours, I looked outside the window, doing nothing.

"Will you please look after him? For me?"

Questions flooding my head as I recalled that memory in the elevator. And I only know him as Junmyeon's friend. I wonder how he looked like. What is he doing at this hour? Does he know me? What kind of person exactly is he?

I laid lower, breathing the cover’s scent. It was a refreshing fragrance, with a little bit of musk. This covers, it was as if a guy had ever slept here before. The scent recalls a memory inside me, someone’s familiar that I have met before.

“Stay here”

“Don’t ask for that. And don’t harm yourself, will you?”

“What are you doing in here?”

My body went straight up. It can’t be.

This other guy. The guy who saved me in London, being selfless and hard at the same time. The guy who had that rusty dog and saved me once more. He's Korean. He must be here somewhere. What does he think if I'm looking for him? Did I left an impression to him? Because he did, for me. That dream, and that selfless side that he showed. 

I know I shouldn't do this, but deep inside, I want to meet him again.

*

12:00.

I didn't count on many hours that I had slept but I still had trouble sleeping, adjusting Seoul's timezone. I didn't know what are the others doing, just quickly took a shower and get dressed. Seoul getting warm, so I tied up my hair and my phone rang.

"Yeoboseyo?"

"Is this Jane Lee?"

"Yes" I said. "Is there anything I can help?"

"I'm Im Chunhee, the program manager of Heart Radio. You're the new project director for Late Night Stroll, right? I wonder if we can meet for today"

I remembered that I was assigned with a partner for this program, but I didn't know who it was. "I can make it for today, but you did know that I'm doing this with a partner, right?"

"Yes" Im Chunhee answered, made me smile in satisfaction. "Why, Jane-ssi?"

"Is that new partner coming for today?"

"Oh, yeah. He is" Chunhee replied, doubled up the satisfaction. "So, when we will get started for the first meeting?"

"Um, what about we meet at this lunch hour? Maybe about 1pm?" I suggested. "I would like to start this informally, so is it alright to have dinner together to start?"

"Okay, then" she agreed. 

"Great" I nodded. "I'll send you the address then"

I turned off the phone and looked to the mirror. T-shirt and jeans looked too casual for this. I'm going for work, not for a date, so I changed to several outfits before I finally chose a shirt, skirts and a sweater. I also put on a hat

It took quite a long time to the restaurant, and the air felt cold although the sun shines bright above me. 

I saw that brown building and walked in, to this minimalist, Korean-fusion restaurant. "Jane! Its been a long time!" a waiter that I knew greeted me. "Oh, someone's looking for you" she pointed at the corner.

"Hi, Jane" a woman I identified as Im Chunhee greeted. "I'm Im Chunhee. Its nice to meet you"

"Hello" I smiled. But, Im Chunhee wasn't alone. The other one is a guy. Well, that guy. That tall figure with strong gaze and plump lips. He didn't changed a lot, only his hair that somehow covered half of his face. His skin got more tanned than the last time we met. The scent however, was the one that made me sure that I’m meeting a very familiar person.

"I’m Kim Jongin" he greeted. “Your partner for the radio show”

1, 2, 3.

Its hard to believe that we meet again. The guy who saved me, gave me sneakers, being selfless for me. Now he’s back, in t-shirt, flight jacket, sneakers, and a snapback, making himself looked younger than before. I cleared my throat and gave a reply to him. “I’m Jane Lee. Its nice to meet you”

4, 5, 6.

“Its nice to meet you too, as well” he said in a formal speech. As the time stretches longer in our first encounter, images appeared, ringing a bell inside my head. This meeting was planned, out of my hands.

7, 8, 9.

“I hope we can work together well” he continued. “Yeah”, I replied, feeling uneasy and weird. We smiled to each other as if we’re idiots more than a formal and friendly first work meeting. I didn’t know who was the dumber between us, me who’s been remembering about what we did in London, or him who’s just seemed friendly or nervous.

10.

It all took ten seconds, to reach on a shocking conclusion. That dream.

I took a step back. This meeting, I repeat, was out of my hands. I did planned this, but I never knew this meeting was more like an encounter than a meeting. My mouth kept shut, unable to say things that seemed nonsense to his ears. To him, my dream was a total nonsense, something that won’t happen to him. To me, it was a sign, a prediction that might happen and made me afraid.

“To be honest, I was quite nervous” Jongin started. “Please teach me a lot for this show, because I’m still kind of new to this”

I’m sure I was the one who’s really nervous. The thought of him and what happened to us lately made everything quite hard to adjust to another situation. Especially to meet again as a senior and junior who will work together.

Focus, Jane. Focus.

“Of course” I replied. “You’ve been told about this, right? I’m sure that you can conclude on what we’re working”

“Yes, its called Late Night Stroll” Jongin started to explain. “I’ve watched it a few times, its always sets trends for the campus. Not only doing interviews, but also give recommendations and also reading some fictions that sent from the listeners”

“Here are some old script from the previous Late Night Stroll broadcasts” Im Chunhee handed over a file. Jongin and I started to read them one by one, but this strange feeling never left me since Im Chunhee introduced me. He didn’t act as if he already know me.

Until then.

“Hello?” Im Chunhee stood up and got a call from her phone, leaving only me with Jongin. I swear I’m saving wrinkles, twitching my eyebrows in astonishment while watching him with the same question growing bigger in my head.

“Um, Sunbae” he didn’t look up to me. “Is there... something wrong?”

“Hell yeah” I said coldly, knowing myself that I’m not good at lying. “There is something wrong”

“Is it about London?” he replied. He did remember. Which we go on to the next question, why did he kept his mouth shut then?

“There’s nothing else than that” I answered. “Yeah, you acted like you don’t remember me. You know that we’ve met before. Somehow, it made me kind of... pissed off”

“Do you want to know why I didn’t mention it?” he looked up to me.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want to make you uncomfortable” Jongin answered. “I thought that what we did in London made you feel like that. So, its better if you consider this meeting as a proper one. Maybe it’ll make us think that we met as colleagues, two people who worked together”

I couldn’t say a word. Kim Jongin was right. I would’ve been embarrassed if he did the other way, mentioning and boasting about what we did in London. He knew that I’d be ashamed, or worse, angry, if he did that. But he saved me by not mentioning it at all. Seeing me in deep thoughts about this, he hasn’t done with me yet.

“Well, if you want me to tell Im Chunhee sunbaenim then...”

“Don’t” I answered. “You know what? You’re right. I just want to know why, so I guess we’re over on that”

“Okay” he closed the talk and continuing reading. I consentrated on the recent scripts of Late Night Stroll and the comments from the listeners. The show was admired not for their interviews, its because of their good recommendations on movies, music and fashion. But what the listeners love most is their storytelling on fictions, hearing to stories that are heartwarming and also, well-written.

Aside from reading, I kept scanning on Kim Jongin who sat across me. His eyes looked half-sleepy, he keeps yawning, forcing himself to concentrate on the script. On second thought, he’s still tired and needs some rest, rather than working on this. But what made me feel stupid was his hands kept holding his stomach, signaling his hunger.

I called the waiter and asked for one chicken with rice and cola. And the perfect timing goes, when Im Chunhee went back to the table. “Jane-ssi, I’m really sorry, but I have to my mother to the hospital. She suddenly got sick. So, Jane, you can handle for a while, right?” she asked in regret.

“Okay” I couldn’t say it the other way. “I hope your mother gets well soon”, I said, which made her smiled and hurried away from the restaurant. The waiter understood the situation and thanked me. Leaving us behind, just the two of us now. Me, and that sleepy kid Kim Jongin.

Or maybe he’s trying to. No one can sleep in hunger, right?

I slowly took the script with my glove-hands, and he was startled. “You don’t have to read this” I said. “I’m the PD, so don’t force yourself to this if you’re tired”

“Jwesonghamnida” he bowed in apology, with his sleepy voice. “I can’t miss this meeting, Sunbae. I can’t, right?”

“Yeah” I answered. “And you can’t force yourself. I suggest you to go to the toilet and wash up. Im Chunhee sunbae ordered chicken for us”

“Chicken?” he looked up to me. “I thought we’re not bringing food on this”

“Who said we can’t?” I hid myself from him, not to make him think that I bought the food. “We’re taking a break and that’s it”

“Where’s Im Chunhee sunbaenim?”

“She’s taking her mom to the hospital, so she had to left us”

Geez, did I just talked too much?

I did reply him coldly, since he’s a stranger and I’m still uncomfortable. But the words, had never been this much. He talked less, being shy and sleepy. And now, I’m kind of taking care of him, although I lied to him to hide it. I secretly hoped that he had some appointments after this.

A few minutes later, the waiter arrived with two plates of chicken rice and coca cola. Jongin looked like a kid who just got lollipop. “Thank you, Sunbae” he smiled. He took the cold glass of coca cola and pressed it to his cheeks, waking himself up. I distracted myself by taking a sip while looking outside the window, giving myself a clear conclusion that Kim Jongin is now a ten-year-old kid. Look at him, eating the chicken without washing his hands, and eat like a happy kid.

“Don’t thank me” I replied. “It was Im Chunhee’s sunbae. Buying us meal in order of apology”

“Ah” he nodded. “When?”

“When she was about to leave” I lied.

He sighed. “I shouldn’t sleep” he said. “I feel sorry for her. Besides, she’s buying my favorite chicken”

I didn’t reply and just kept eating. Taking another distraction for him, I decided to look at my phone. The timing’s just perfect, because I’ve got some notifications from LINE.

Baekhyun: Guys! Good news!

Chanyeol: We

Baekhyun: Are

Chanyeol: Having

Baekhyun: Another

Chanyeol: BUSKING CONCERT!!!!

Chanyeol: YEAH YEAH! YOU HEARD IT RIGHT!!!

I picked it up and opened it, since the sound of the notifications keeps coming. Jongin also realized it, but he only said, “Ah, it was Sunbae’s. I thought it was mine” he said, which I only reply with a glance and decided to open the chat. Thank you very much, dorks.

Baekhyun: Good, everybody reads it!

Baekhee: When is it?

Baekhyun: Its on next Sunday, 4pm at Cheonggyeocheon!

Chanyeol: BE THERE BE THERE BE THERE!!!

Chanyeol: Especially you, Jane-ssi.

Baekhyun: For Jane, we’ll offer you, a free-trial.

Chanyeol: It’d be better if you come and try it with us!

Baekhyun: No additional payment. Just play and done.

Jane: ......

Jane: I thought I have said no to you guys

Baekhyun: Well, chances don’t come twice for this one.

Chanyeol: And we’re sure that you don’t want to miss this.

I don’t think I can do it. Its kind of uncomfortable to me to perform with someone else. This is different than London. I do busking, but not with someone. Sweats started to come and heartbeat increased, feeling nervous. I wonder what Baekhee’s going to say.

Baekhee: Sorry Jane, but I agreed with these two punks.

Baekhee: Give it a try.

Baekhee: What do you think?

I decided not to reply and continue eating. The chicken was so hard to be cut, and I’m blaming myself for not ordering chicken cutlet instead of this.

“You can’t cut that”

Somehow, I forgot that I wasn’t eating alone. Jongin is still here, now with his plate clean. “You have to use your hands, Sunbae” he said.

“I can’t do that” I replied.

“Then how are you gonna eat?”

“It just needed some effort”

“Its easier with your hands”

“Yeah, but its dirty”

“How can something you eat can be dirty?” he moved closer. “All you need to do is just open your gloves and eat it with your bare hands”

“I can’t” I shook my head. Jongin sighed and stood up, leaving me alone. What is he trying to do this time?

He didn’t really left, and came back with his hands wet. I watched him sat down and took one chicken. Jongin suddenly removed the chicken’s skin and meat from the bones, so that I can eat. Then he put them on my plate, and not only one chicken, he removed it all.

“You have to eat, Sunbae” he said.

And all I can do is just asking why.

“Thanks” I replied, just eating them. It was repeated again. He’d eventually helping me with this annoying “OCD” thing. Maybe he’s also annoyed, and judged me as an OCD or something. I started to eat faster, feeling guilty and wanted to leave. Its just not right, seeing him helping me like this.

“Eat slowly, Sunbae” he reminded.

I suddenly choked on that. Coughing started and there was no space to breathe. Jongin looked panic, but he knew what he what to do. He fished out a new bottle of water from his bag, wiping it with tissue and opened it for me. “Drink, so that you can stop coughing” he said. I took it and started drinking. Why did he took care of me?

“I can drink with soda, Jongin” I gave him a glare. You don’t have to do this.

“Its carbonated, so water would be better” Jongin gave an excuse. “Choking is not good, you know”

Yeah, but helping me is not good either.

So, before he helped me further than this, I decided to stop eating and packing all the Late Night Stroll files. “We haven’t pay this” I passed some dollars to him. “Sorry, Jongin. I’ve got to go”

“But–”

“If you want to ask something, just get my number from the office”

“Sunbae!”

I stood up and left him alone. Running away from his dangerously selfless side, feeling angry and blaming myself for giving him a hard time.

*

In all of sudden, rain took over the place.

Its the first day of getting back to the campus after I met Jongin two days ago, and rain was the first thing to greet me in the middle of the day. The sun hung up high in the air, scattered with thick gray clouds, resulting light, yellowish showers. I ran, not because of the rain, but the time that just might closed the door.

Finally, I reached the canteen that is located across the building. I took a seat near the window, watching the bright rain showers that seemed joyful, dancing before my eyes. Seemed warm and cool at the same time, and I can’t help but smiling.

There’s someone I would like to tell about this.

August 28th.

Dear Mom.

I once again afraid of people.

Past was ugly like caterpillar, and made me trapping myself inside a cocoon. But fear was what made the cocoon won’t come out as butterfly. I’m not afraid of them, I’m afraid of the same incident to repeat.

Maybe I was afraid of myself.

I might harm them. A product of the past that only bring storms. Closing herself to the people who cared. Mistaking sincerity as sympathy.

But, until when?

You told me once that my best charm was smile. I was doubtful back then, but you’re right as always, Mother. I should try to smile, I should try to be a human once again.

Mother’s Journal. The only good product of the past, where lives a free-spirited, thoughtful, intuitive and imaginative woman whom I called as my mother. And I wrote to her, the only faith I had of that woman. She was one of the very few reasons for me to continue.

At the back of the front cover, there she was, in a white frame, sticked to the paper. I immidiately smiled when I see her smile. Despite all the bad things, she was the real warmth that soothes in, reminding me that there’s still a flick of light even in the darkest places.

But parents, they are two sides of the coin.

“Its been a long time, Jane”

I stepped back as I saw him in the mirror of the campus’s restroom. There was no one here, and he appeared as I washed my face. He was in his horrible-self, dark and full of scars.

“What are you doing in here?”

Father laughed, so loud that I swear it made my ears bleed. I stepped back, as shivers starts to come.

“My Jane” he talked. “You know I missed you, right? I missed my dirty daughter”

“I don’t” I spoke. “Why would you?”

“I missed you, hoping that you would come here” he answered. “To me. To death. A place to clean you up, darling”

I was somehow out of my breath, feeling not well. His presence tortures me as if he was doing it for real. It was suffocating, surreal meeting of us, that made me so afraid.

“Why would you write letters to someone you killed?” he tilted his head and smiled. “You know you only suffocates her, you dirty kid”

“I didn’t kill her” I shook my head. “You’re wrong! I didn’t do it!”

“People don’t like that, Jane” Father replied. “You know its all lies. You shouldn’t be here,  Jane”

Like a struck of lightning, it came back. The past came back, darkening my vision. Its hurting me better and better, as I got worse. How hard he hit me back then, how loud their fight heard in my ears, how eager he was to blame me.

“I won’t let go of you, woman!”

“Its all Jane’s fault, Doctor. She was the last person!”

“You’re just like that , the one you called her ‘Mother’”

“Family? I didn’t care whether you’re in that crap. I couldn’t be more regretful to even get involved in this”

“A family shouldn’t exist between all of us”

“If it wasn’t your fault, your Mother would have been alive!”

I gasped of air as I gravitated to the ground. My conscience came back, but the traces are still there, hurtful and suffocating me. I tried to walk again and went to the nursery.

This nightmare was somehow, too real.