Funny how one song can be a mirror to yourself. I trembled upon the song that played in the cafe, that shown a perfect potrayal of pain and suffer. Tremor was seen clearly on my hands, as I started to feel cold, although I was covered with jackets and umbrella. Other than the song, the rain pelted outside, accompanying the song and raised the sad mood inside me. Clearly everything was being mean to me, giving me a bad aftermath after a nightmare and him.

Yeah, him.

He was taking volunteer in all of sudden, and I couldn't believe that he stepped out and following me behind. Can't he understand that I want to be alone right now? Too much involvement, I must say, but on these times, maybe a hand is what I need. Those horribles nightmares might come back everytime, and if I lose my grip, I wouldn't want to know how many people had been witnessing this. 

"Two chocolate mint latte, please" he ordered, coming on the right timing and stood there beside me. He immidiately smiled when I turned, and pulled out his wallet. "I'll pay" he said.

"No" I denied. "I'll pay for that. Just sit down"

This time, Jongin decided not to talk much and just nodded, finding seats. Still on my sight, he sat there by the window, watching the rain falls. His side profile shown his features perfectly; those brown eyes, the messy black hair that fell on his face and covering his forehead, and his plump lips, looking pale but still pink. I bet he's not smoking.

"Here's your change, Miss"

The voice of the cashier snapped me back into reality. What was I doing? I took another quick glance at him, who's flashing his smirk right now without keeping his gaze away from the window.  He's being a jerk again, and I should quickly take the change before time stretches longer.

"Its gonna take a long time there" Jongin commented, his watchful eyes looked at the droplets of rain that hasn't come to stop. "Good thing that we're staying here for awhile"

"I think I've seen that happened to someone" he continued, directing this convo into something that I wouldn't like. "About what happened earlier..."

"Please don't talk about that, Jongin" I stopped. Having those kind of things happening to me was the last thing I wanted. I'm not ready for another one, not in front of Jongin. Although he witnessed it, but he doesn't deserve another one. This senior in front of him is now a crazy bastard who can't even differentiate what's real and what's not.

"I'm sorry" he said it again. "If that makes you uncomfortable, I'm sorry"

I'm sorry too, Jongin.

"But I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner"  Jongin continued, looking into my eyes. "Sunbae, that was really... you're..."

"Its alright, Jongin" I sighed. "Just keep it to yourself that I'm crazy or what-"

"You're not" he said.

"I was talking to myself, shouting to myself" I felt my trembling voice as I said these words. "People don't see them, I know. They just-"

"Sunbae" he cut me off, his voice was stop and trying to stop me from panic. He leaned closer and kept his gaze on mine. 

"You're. Not. Crazy" he stated, his breath felt warm on my face. Jongin was literally before my eyes, his gaze never left mine. 

"Jongin, what the hell are you doing?" I asked, swallowing a lump inside my throat. He looked down in embarrassment and backed off. 

"I was just reminding you" he said, messing up his jet black hair and looked away. "Just because I can't see it, doesn't mean you're crazy, or sick, or whatever it is. Don't you ever forget that, Sunbae"

I watched him in silence. 

It was the first time, that I wasn't called crazy for those nightmares that happened to me. Most people don't believe me, and it was harsher when it comes to strangers, because they didn't understand and valued of what I have experienced. 

But Jongin? He was different.

The buzzer took out the silence between us. Jongin grabbed it and volunteered again, "I'll take the order" he said, going to the pick-up corner. Then he came back, like a waiter, slowly putting down the glass and wiped it with tissue before he handed it to me. 

"You know, you could always ask the doctors" he murmured. 

"What?"

"Nothing" he sipped again his latte, thinking that his previous words was hidden. I heard them clearly, but I'm sure he was being weird by blurting out some things. So, I continued to sip the latte in silence.

"Scream all you want, Jane. The doctors won't even hear you, or believe you"

"No!"

I gasped and quickly covered my mouth. Jongin, who was quiet, now suddenly realized my actions and he started to get worried about me. "Are you okay? You look pale" he asked, but I could only force a smile and nodded. His face didn't change though, he was still worried and not believing my lies. 

"Is it happening again?" he asked.

I was hesitated, but then I finally nodded.

"Still thinking you can make them believe you? Saving your mo-"

"Hey" Jongin waved a hand in front of my face, as he held my gloved hands. "I'm here, don't worry, okay? Just say something, Sunbae" 

I nodded, and he was right. I needed some noises, real noises. Or else, those whispers might bugging me again.

"T-t-talk..." I slowly said.

"What?" he looked confused.

"Just... talk" I repeated. "Talk something else. Just talk... Anything, say it now"

"Okay" he said, then he turned his head to the window. "The sky, outside... the color's getting lighter. The rain will probably stop soon"

I looked outside, as the sky turned yellowish, and the thunderstorms turned into light shower. I opened the window slightly and let out the scent of rain inside, inhaling it slowly. 

"beautiful"

A slight smile came out from my lips, knowing that it'll take a long time to feel the rain once more. 

"So, you like it?" he asked.

"What?" I looked up.

"You liked rain" he smiled, found out another piece of puzzle. "Right?"

I could only nodded, resulting a little chuckle out of his lips. "Of all the things you hate, I was kind of relieved that you liked rain" he said.

*

I turned back to the window, and the heavy rain is now turned into droplets of light shower, with the yellowish sky covering them. "I think we can go outside now" Jongin said, sipping the latte for the last time. I couldn't agree more, walked outside the cafe to see the rain closer. 

Greeting the rain in my hands, the cold droplets of rain was a refreshment to my skin. This was out of my OCD reach, I've had always fallen in love with rain. The weather itself was a place of confessions, either love, hurt or anger. 

"Bye, Sunbae!"

Jongin suddenly came from the back and snatched my umbrella away. I didn't realized my anger wasn't , and felt challenged instead.

"Yah! Kim Jongin, you're a thief! Get back here!"

I ran under the drops of rain, following his steps and smiled at his innocent face that laughing on my stupidity. We were chasing around like kids, where innocence was our only logic and rain was never an enemy. The rain watched us in ripples along the road.

I snatched the umbrella from him, Jongin was running while a bus came from the road and touched by these big ripples of water created from the wheels. He was defending himself, but turned out he snatched my hand instead of snatching back the umbrella. I didn't care that I dropped it somewhere, but none of us was moving. He held my arms, his fingers was gentle but his grip was strong, trying not to let me fall. But his gaze was stronger than his arms, couldn't look away from mine. 

Those pair of eyes. It meant a thousand words, of adjectives I could not fathom. The gaze, he gave me that gaze, trying to speak to me. But what was he trying to tell me? 

"Jane" he suddenly whispered. 

The way he was saying my name is different. What's with that kind of name? He was not a younger boy, but a man who called someone he called as his woman. Slowly, a smile appeared on his face, a shy one but he smiled like he was relieved. Relieved of what? What's with this gaze and smile of yours, Kim Jongin?

But then, 

"HAHAHAHA!!!"

I forgot that I was the one had my back on the bus, so I got drenched by the water. The moment when water soaked me into a dirty creature, Jongin immidiately bursted out of laughter. 

"Jongin! Stop!" I hit him, stopping his evil laugh. But Jongin was laughing, his hand signaled me to wait. "Okay, sorry. I'm sorry, Sunbae..." his words even unreadable with the laughter.

I felt giddy and ticklish of the germs at the same time. "Oh my god... I need shower now!" I covered my embarassed face in my hands.

"Well, you're showering now" he said.

"Not that kind of shower" I frowned. "A real shower. With soap and perfumes"

"But you liked it, right?"

I looked up. Can't he understand that I'm hating this drenched dirty water thing on me right now?

"You even take off your gloves" he added, and I immidiately raised my hands. The gloves are lost somewhere.

"You liked it" he concluded it with a smirk.

Well, Jongin, you thought that you won with your know-it-all side but,

"I wanna go home. I wanna get some shower" I turned away and stopped a cab. 

"And new gloves"

*

"I didn't know you would come back, Jane"

Yeah, I've been wondering to myself about that. Making your steps towards the doctor was a hard thing to do for me. Doctors reminded me of Mom, of Dad, of everything horrible that kept me away.

"Well" the woman stood up, putting her hands inside her pockets. "I'm glad you decided to come after a long time"

In front of me was Kim Sunjoo, the only doctor that treated me. She was the only doctor I could trust, the only one I ever paid a visit. Last time I met her, I was in the therapy for the OCD. But I believed there's something more, some things I missed. I should’ve not backed off when I’m in London.

“I don’t think I can handle it”

Sunjoo’s lips pulled downwards, forming a frown. “Why, Jane?”

“I can’t” I shook my head. “Its too suffocating... I’m not sure I can get through it. Besides, I’m already comfortable living this way, Doc”

I dashed out of room, not looking back to every step forward. Forget impolite or anything to describe my impulsive acts, but somehow, these buzzing voices inside me was really suffocating me. Even the cold air of London couldn’t make me breathe and the orange colors of autumn leaves went blurry on my sight. I stepped into the double-decker, running away from people who was trying to help.

“I’m sorry”

Not sure of where did the apology was addressed to. Maybe to Kim Sunjoo, the doctor who was trying to help me, or to the voices of the man who sacrificed his blood and flesh to me. Ah, sacrifice wasn’t matter. Nothing matter more than himself. Of punishments and abuse that he has done, I know that I should be the one who apologizes. I was my parents’s big mistake.

And maybe I don’t deserve any help.

"So, how have you been? Is there something you want to spill?" Sunjoo asked.

I wanted to tell her so bad. The things I see but others don't, those people who is not clear whether they're still alive or not. The border between imagination and reality that I couldn't see anymore. 

"you think they believed you, Jane?"

I covered my ears, not believing my father's words. Sunjoo leaned closer, her eyes was curious. 

"Jane? Are you okay? What happened?"

"You know they believed me. That you killed your own mother"

"Jane?"

"You filthy child"

"You.... won't..." I tried to talk but words just couldn't spit out of my mouth. "Believe.... flithy... why am I even..."

"Jane?" Sunjoo shook my shoulder. "Tell me what happened"

"I... I don't know" I closed my eyes and shook my head. "He told me... he told me that you won't believe me..."

"Hey, hey, take a deep breath" Sunjoo offered a glass of water. "Breath for a little while and drink a glass of water, okay? Take your time"

His voice was no longer here, as I breathed slowly. I took the water and looked back to Sunjoo.

"It was my Dad" I slowly said. Sunjoo watched me, waiting for the next words while her hands steepled on the table.

"He was here..." I continued. "Telling me that people won't believe me"

"Why did he say that?" Sunjoo asked.

"He was... he was covering himself" I said. "But you didn't hear him, right?"

"I heard him" she nodded, being her psychiatrist-self.

"No, Doc" I denied. "Do you really heard that? I want to make sure"

"I didn't" she finally said. 

"Then its true"

"About what?"

"I'm crazy" I smiled, looking at her. "I heard voices that people didn't hear, I saw the people that were dead. Sometimes they come to me. I didn't know how did they come, but it suffocates me to death whenever they come"

"Who are they? Who are these people?"

"Dad..." I slowly said, my voice slowly breaking. "And... Junmyeon”

Without further questions, I decided to tell her. “I’ve been looking for someone who’ll listen to my story. Most people will just call me crazy, because they don’t see this. I mean, some people are supposed to be dead, right?”

“So you were seeing your father and this person you called Junmyeon.... both of them are not here, right?” she asked, referring to their real life status.

“I think so” I hesitated. “They’re now gone, that’s what people told me”

"Okay, Jane" Sunjoo prepared some papers. "I'll give some questions, and answer them according to what you feel”

“Doc” I called her, stopping her with my hesitation. “Do you think... they’re true?”

Sunjoo looked at me and sighed. She was hesitating as well, choosing on blending into my belief on what I saw or just being honest and realistic about it. For now, everything is still a hypothesis that’ll take some proof to put on a verdict.

“It depends” she said. “After I run some tests, we’ll find out what happened”

*

April 30th

Dear Mom,

Years ago, family was a bond that was broken. An endless summer in mind that later turned out to a storm. A promise that was supposed to had no limits, until a free-fall that proved that every bond, human bonds, will have their time to break.

I never thought of having a family once again. Families aren’t always consist of parents and their children, but a group of people that stayed together. Under the same roof, different people blend in into one family that lasts. They took a good care of me, Mother. They cared so much that I’m feeling guilty for building up walls around myself.

When one story was closed, another one begins.

When you’re too focused of what comes before your eyes, sometimes, you don’t realize what was missing. A piece of puzzle, a bond that was once there. This strange string that circling on my finger and brought me to a new encounter.

 I saw him, Mother.

A deja vu started when he came. I saw him before we met, seeing him in my dreams. How can a stranger lived in our dreams? He was there, being young and loved. His eyes were looking at me, as I saw a glint of concern that bring strange waves into my skin. Selfless and befriending me, who was cold and hiding behind the walls. He was a piece of puzzle that had lost from the truth.

What was his purpose to be here?

Nightmares just keeps coming, but he was there. Behind my back and catching me when I fall. Encountering these walls that I built around myself, lurking into the secrets that were never meant to be told. He was a switch, of what I had figured out. The truth that hurt me once again, after what is real and what is fantasy are just seemed blurry before my eyes. He was meant to open something, and I cannot see any reason.

But he was a friend, after all. Of all those stories that had been this short and those ice that just disappeared, we need each other. Hand in hand will be given, as we helped each other. We don’t know where we are going. But as long as he’s here, maybe, just maybe, I could change my mind of what had written all along my traces.

I shifted on my seat as I traced my index along the black ink that written my thoughts yesterday. After what happened earlier, I started to think twice to everything. Was the universe involved in a conspiracy, playing tricks on me? I tried hard to believe, but believing the truth was never easy.

May 1

Dear Mother

Father told me that the doctors never believed me. For years, I’ve been avoiding doctors and become a fool that caged in his words. Except for one person, a white-jacket woman, a doctor who finally listened to me. For the days that I’ve been wandering in the dark, staying at the blur sight, somehow everything was clear and made me think twice.

“You have schizophrenia”

“Schizophrenia?”

“Its actually a mental disease that started to get in common” Sunjoo told me. “What you have seen about your father, and your boyfriend, it was all a hallucination. Your trauma to your father and your yearning for Junmyeon, it all suddenly felt like you have summoned them, like they were real. Patients of schizophrenia often have those kind of hallucination, usually caused by trauma”

“So...” I tried to find some conclusion. “It wasn’t real”

“Yes” she nodded. “Also, difficulties in some things. Sometimes, you feel like its hard to talk, right? Its also a common thing in schizophrenia patients”

Somehow, I found it hard to gulp, and swallowing “And my OCD....”

“It is triggered by your schizophrenia” Sunjoo answered. “You see, its a suggestion. Once you get rid of it, I’m sure your OCD will slowly heals too”

Strange.

I’m supposed to be relieved. I’m supposed to see a light of hope. I’m supposed to feel better than before. But somehow, something’s missing. Something’s not right, and needs to be figured out. There’s a truth that made me want to know more. The puzzle piece isn’t complete.

“Jane?” Sunjoo woke me up from the trance. “If there’s anything happened, just contact me. I’m your doctor, so I have to know your conditions”

There’s so much to do, actually. Sunjoo’s giving medications and told me to be ignorant to reminders such as locking doors, or washing hands. Understanding her instructions, I knew that I have to hold on as well. Experiencing hallucinations again and again might get those answers, but I should not lose my grip, and that’s why other people are also need. Some people that I could trust.

The agony itself is something that could be explain with medical terms. I will later heal, although healing won’t answer the questions that you had left. But Mother, there always lies truth behind everything. A missing puzzle that completes the whole.

I’m going to find out what happened.

I have to.

“Sunbae?”

I wonder if this guy had planted a tracker inside me because he always seemed to know where I am. There he was, Kim Jongin who is now accompanied by the doctor. What is he doing here in a mental hospital? Why is he with Kim Sunjoo?

“J-Jong...” I stuttered, not ready to be revealed in front of him.

“Whoa, seems like its another coincidence” Sunjoo spoke up, cracking the awkwardness as she sat down with Jongin. “She’s your Sunbae, Jonginnie? Whoa, you guys know each other!”

“Yes, Noona” the younger one nodded, addressing her as his older sister. He looked back and forth between me and Sunjoo, realizing that I just visited her as a patient. “Noona, is she...”

“Jongin” his Noona narrowed her eyes, shushed him down like he’s a little boy. “Don’t talk about your Sunbae like that. I have a patient’s secrets to keep”

“Sunbae, she’s not scaring you, right?” Jongin pointed at his sister with his thumb. “Please tell me if she does”

“Yah!” Sunjoo hit his head. “He didn’t mean it, Jane. I’m not scary, and you know it. By the way, I heard that you guys lived under one roof with the twins and Chanyeol. How is it like, to have him as your housemate and junior at the same time?”

I chuckled at her questions, since watching them acting like kids kind of looked funny in front of me. I didn’t know what to say, although my mind’s remembering him who turned down his promise, or when he stayed all night to talk to me after a nightmare, or how he snatched my umbrella and held me tight despite the water splash afterwards.

 “Well, he’s... nice?”

“Sis, I think that’s enough” Jongin stopped his sister, laughing awkwardly to himself. “She might be uncomfortable”

“Well, at least she said that you’re nice” Sunjoo replied. “And stop being an idiot. You liked it, right?”

He couldn’t help but laugh awkwardly and being an idiot to himself. The older one rolled her eyes as she checked her Guess wrapped on her left wrist. “Gosh, Joonki’s going to pick me up in five” Sunjoo pouted her lips, “I gotta go. Bye, Jongin, Jane, catch you later!”

I slowly waved at her, as she left and leaving only Jongin and me. He watched his sister who departed and spoke up, “She’s going to plan her wedding” he spat.

“Your sister’s... getting married?”

“Yeah” he nodded. “Probably in a few weeks”

“Congratulations” I smiled, looking at him and he quickly looked away. “For Sunjoo, I mean”

“I’ll make sure she gets it” Jongin smiled back.

Silent was always our atmosphere, but this time, the sun that hung up high in the sky was a spotlight that shines on his features. He was scrolling down something on his smartphone, before he showed it to me.

“Sunbae” he called. “We haven’t decided the story for tonight’s broadcast”

“Do you have some choices?”

“There’s this one that looks good...”

“Which one?”

“I think I’ve sent you one, Sunbae. The one with the title You Are The Music in Me”

The title of that entry suddenly brought this strange vibration in myself. A familiarity and curiosity that I felt towards that story. But the beauty of words that written was something that made this entry an art piece.

“I’ve read that...” I replied. “Its beautiful, Jongin, but... the writing style... kind of....”

“Familiar?” he asked, correctly read my mind.

“Yeah, it kind of reminded me of that writer....” I looked to the entry. “Kai”

“Kai?” he coughed in all of sudden. “You’re right... it goes the same way to me too...”

I don’t know what was he thinking, but the way he acted now is like an idiot. “But, we had no other choice right?” he asked.

I nodded. “Okay then” I said. “We should submit it to the screenwriter then”

Looking that my glass of guava juice is now running out, I have to go to the campus. But when I tried to find my wallet, I realized that I only brought my credit card today. God, how am I gonna go home?

There’s no other choice.

“Jongin” I called him. “Are you going to the campus after this?”

*

Never passed in my mind that I’d ended up spending the day with him. It was boring, though, to wait at home, and I decided to follow him around. At least he got himself a company. Today, he brought his Hyundai SUV, driving me somewhere.

“I never knew you can drive”

Jongin smirked as he reacted to my words. “Yeah, but I’m still kind of new” he said shyly. “What about you, Sunbae? Can you?”

“Sadly, I can’t” I answered.

He smiled as he turned out the radio that played Beenzino. I was glad enough inside that it was playing Aqua Man, and Jongin’s fingers started to play against the steer.

“You know, if Chanyeol-hyung was here, he would’ve” he smirked and started to rapping to the song. His hand was following the beat, waving up and down to the song with his voice that sounded funny.

“Jongin, seriously...” I couldn’t help but laugh, and he just kept continuing with his impersonation. “You’re not even that good”

“Really?” Jongin wasn’t surprised, and laughed instead. “Well too bad, Sunbae. Its my car, anyway...”

“Really?” I took my turn, not believing him. “Is it yours? Or your dad?”

“Mine” he smiled, being loose. “Because I’m driving”

“You must be lying” I shook my head. “And seriously, your voice...”

I leaned on and changed the radio station to find some other songs. As the song changes, Jongin started to sing and impersonated their voices. He even make gestures or dance moves with his hands while driving.

“Mianhae...I hate you! Saranghae... I hate you! Yongseohae... I need you girl, wae honja saranghago honjaseoman ibyeolhae!”

“Bitnaneun geotdeureul manha, deo anhae jinjjareul bwabwa, call me baby, babe, call me baby, call me baby, babe, call me baby... you know my name girl!”

“Uptown, funk you up, uptown funk you up...”

He was never joking around this much with me. But I wasn’t just stayed silent. Instead, I couldn’t hold my laughter. He really knows how to make me laugh. And when I changed the station again, this time a girl group song was playing.

“Its so tasty! Come and chase me... Mot chamgesseo... I scream, you scream, gimme that gimme that ice cream!”

“How do you make those woman voices?” I laughed. “Jongin, just drive safely or I’ll turn it off”

“But it made you laugh, right?” he asked.

I could only look away, hiding this sudden heat on my cheeks. But I can’t say that easily, although he didn’t had to ask. He did a lot, and somehow, it felt good.

“What do you think?”

I looked away to the window, slowly smiled. One thing that I just realized is that, I never laughed this much with anyone else. Not when I’m in the house. And somehow Jongin’s just easily impersonates and made me laugh. The male is no longer a crescent moon, nor a stranger. He’s showing all of his sides, being a friend beside me.

“I should do more of this” he started to changing the stations and impersonating again, until we finally reached the campus for our own activities.

*

I looked to my cellphone, which shown the current time. Its half past twelve in the midnight, and I’m anxious as an insomniac. We were heading back home after broadcast and Jongin, who’s half-sleepy, was driving next to me. I the volume louder and couldn’t stop looking at him, couldn’t fight the urge to sleep when he was still driving. I’m afraid that somehow, he’d mess up and we –

“You should get some coffee” I told him. Maybe talking to him would be an effective way to do.

“I’m alright, Sunbae” he refused, but then he yawned. “I’m fine, really. I drank coffee before”

“You’re sleepy” I’m anxious to see him like this. “Can we just stop somewhere and buy some coffee?”

“Why are you suddenly like this?” Jongin was taken aback with this.

“Stop saying that you’re okay. You’re sleepy and you need to stop” I forced him. “Don’t force yourself. We can stop somewhere and rest for awhile”

“I should be the one who said that” he answered, his voice was stoic but cold.

“What?”

“Yeah, you heard me right”

He was referring to myself who’s been hiding all the pain with these “okay” lies. Anxiety was no longer in the atmosphere, as our faces went stoic and going on into this lie that we told to ourself.

“Look, Jongin” I tried to be skeptical in this situation. “That one’s a different matter. You barely even hear my voice, and you need some coffee if you insist on driving”

“We’re quite close, okay? Just hold on–”

“JONGIN LOOK OUT!!”

A car was speeding up from the other lane, quite close to make a crash with ours. Jongin jolted up and turned the steering wheel hardly to the side, before he hit the brake. If I didn’t buckled up my seatbelts, I would’ve jolted to the front. But it was a shock for both of us, the argument was replaced by our heavy breathing, still in panic.

It was close enough into an accident.

I looked to him, who’s trying to control his breath. His hand suddenly held mine and he slowly leans in, as I felt his breath blew right in front of my face. A hot one, because he was in panic.

“Are you okay?” he suddenly asked, unbuckling my seatbelt so I can breathe well. I couldn’t help but nodded to him. I saw a glint of regret in his eyes, knowing that it was all his fault. “Sunbae? Did you hurt somewhere?”

“Jongin...” I smiled. “I’m fine”

“I’m sorry” the male said, feeling guilty and messing up his hair while blaming himself. “I didn’t listen to you. It was this close until we–”

“At least we’re still here” I tried to calm him down. “Its alright, Jongin. I’m sorry for getting into the argument”

He nodded and sighed in relief, agreeing to my statement. “We shouldn’t fight while driving” he said. “I’m sorry, Sunbae. We’ll stop for some coffee then”

Jongin was guilty for this. But he was a savior as well. If he didn’t turn the car to the side, we could’ve get worse. It was as if he was saving my life. Deep down, I’m thanking God, that we still given some chance.

“I should’ve listened to you”

I remembered the look on his eyes after he stopped the car, at it was a different kind of anxiety. He was worried about me more than anything else, even more than himself. A deep concern and fear of loss, was somehow making him more fearsome than ever.

*

click for the song

“Why is everybody gone?”

I sighed as I looked to LINE Group Chat. Everybody was really busy today, so I had to endure a few more hours with Kim Jongin. The house is quiet, not because everyone’s sleeping, but its because its empty. No one’s here.

Jane: Are you guys on your way home?

Baekhyun: Apparently, I’m the head comittee of this year’s Music Camp, so, I’ll go home in one? Two days?

Jongin: Seriously? What about Chanyeol-hyung?

Chanyeol: Sorry guys. This song-writing assignment kept me in the studio. I have to sleep over.

Jane: Baekhee? You’re going home, right?

Baekhee: I’m going with Mom and Dad to grandma’s house. Still on the way home, but we’ll reach at midnight

I looked at the clock, where the longer one pointed to eleven and the shorter one was between eleven and twelve. Since my stomach couldn’t stop growling, I should find myself some food. I dragged my feet downstairs, checking on the refrigerator. There were nothing but eggs, perhaps I should cook myself....

My body was doing their own command. Living independently really trained my cooking skills to its best. I prepared eggs, the leftover rice, and some other ingredients. Slowly pouring the oil and not taking it too much, I’m cooking carefully, afraid of oil that’ll spit on my hands.

“What are you making?”

Jongin was there, watching me all along. He sat down and took the the plate from my hands. “Its...” my words hung up for a while. “Its omurice”

“Looks cute” he smiled, pointing at the sauce that looked like a sad emoticon to me. He started to cut the omurice in two and took his part. “So, it was actually fried rice covered with omelette?” he asked again.

Good thing that he didn’t whine a lot. He seemed to enjoy my cooking, slowly smiled and leaving no leftovers. “Its good, Sunbae” he commented. “I never knew that you’re really good at cooking”

“Thanks” I replied.

The dinner was the start. I was too confused of what to do, and decided to watch TV instead. A horror movie was on the play, as he sat next to me, sipping a milk from the straw. “You like horror, Sunbae?” he suddenly asks.

In all of sudden, the ghost crawled out of the window, as if she was crawling out of the screen. I quickly covered my ears, avoiding those ear-piercing background voice whenever the ghost appears. Meanwhile, Jongin couldn’t help but shrieked in horror, and he quickly covered his mouth in embarrassment.

“Ah, Sunbae” he slowly grabbed the remote. “It seems like you’re scared”

“Don’t lie, Jongin” I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m not!” he shook his head. “I’m not scared! Isn’t it you who was scared? You covered your ears and–”

“That’s because I hated the voice” I answered, throwing a pillow to him. “Well what about that sudden jump? There’s no way you’re jumping for no reason!”

“Did not”

“You did!”

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“Whoa!” he ducked and defended the pillow with his hands as I threw another one. “Okay, okay. I’m scared. There, satisfied?”

There was a long silence between us, before we finally laughed to each other. It was something trivial, that went so ticklish and we couldn’t hold our laughter. None of us didn’t see this coming.

“I never knew that you can’t handle horror” I smiled.

“I never knew that you could be this... crazy” Jongin slowly smiled, his hand ran to his hair.

What?

“I mean, that was so loose and different.... but” his words paused. “You should give more of that”

I know, its not myself. Or is it just a part of me that had been lost. I knew well what are his words meant, but giving thoughts seems too much right now. I wanted to lose myself without comments, since I’m being unusual. “Just change the channel, okay? You said you can’t handle horror, right?” I reassured him with a smile.

Jongin understood and changed the channel. This time, its a drama. He immidiately smiled, as if he remembered something. “Ah, Baekhyun-hyung told me to record this drama” he said.

The slow music and the subtle voices of the conversation in the drama slowly dragging me to sleep. I looked to him who was concentrating on the screen, but my eyes was too heavy. Today was hectic, with all these stuffs coming right at me. But knowing that Jongin was beside me, at least I knew that I’m not going on the wrong way tonight.

Why did it end this way? It was fine, in a way I couldn’t think. Out of all people that should be here, he was the only one left.

“It must’ve feel bad” he said, knowing that I’m spacing out. “But its funny... how you were so sad before, and now, you’re...”

“I know” I nodded. “I didn’t know why”

Silence came back as we spaced out. “You’re weird, you know?” he said.

The hell I am.

I’ve been wondering too, of why I was always weird in front of you. Doing things and feeling the emtotions that I don’t find anywhere else. Everything that happened along these two days, about how the rain made us played like children, how the radio made us sing like idiots, or how the horror movie made us jumped out of our seats. I could’ve blame you, Jongin. Or maybe I should, blaming you for turning me into this. Turning me into something more human.

“Sunbae?”

I didn’t know where was my head falling, but it was comfortable. My drowsiness is consuming me, and all I could hear was this slow music and his soft words.

“You must be really tired” he said. “But at least you weren’t sleeping with tears”

My heartbeat went faster as I heard the truth coming from his lips. He was right, this day was a bad day. But Jongin, he made me feel better. He saw the pain in me, but he was just there, being a listener. Jongin waited for the right time, but in the meantime, he’s concerned about me.

At least I wasn’t sleeping in tears.

*

The scent of the covers woke me up from deep slumber. I slided down my fingers along the covers slowly, inhaling the scent of the covers. The sunlight crept in softly, and the curtains danced to the rythm of the wind. Strange to know that I'm waking up in my own bed.

I jolted up, remembering that I was sleeping on the sofa last night, listening to Jongin's monologue before he brought me to sleep. I'm supposed to wake up on the sofa. What the hell happened?

Clothes. I peeked under my blanket, and they were all still here on my body. I looked around for clues, but clues didn't ran anywhere around my room that stays the same. 

"Jongin" 

That name came out of my mouth, as if a memory my mind. He must have carried me to here. How can I not realize? 

But the ring on my phone had to put him aside, stretching out a hand to see who’s calling to me in this morning. Without looking at the caller’s name, I opened it and started to listen.

“Hello” an unfamiliar man’s voice spoke. “Is this Jane Lee?”

“Yeah” I answered. “Is there anything I can help you with that?”

“Um, Jane-ssi... I don’t know how to put this but...” he sounded nervous. “Let me introduce myself first. I’m Do Kyungsoo, the nurse from Jaewon Nursing Home”

“Nursing Home?”

“Yes. Are you Lee Yoonhee’s daughter?”

I was taken aback, hearing someone who mentionned about my mother after years. Why is he talking about my mother? What happened?

“Yes”

“I’m currently taking care of someone” he told me. “He’s a patient here in the nursing home, and he’s Lee Yoonhee’s husband. He’s been longing for her and you as well, Jane-ssi”

I knew exactly who he was talking about. That bastard. In all of sudden, I remembered all his fade presence, his memories that we had that always bring fear and hurt to me. It was crystal clear, to see what he has done to my mother and me. And now, he’s back? He’s looking for me? I’m not ready for another pain to take.

“You don’t understand” my voice was stoic as I told him a lie that will keep me apart. “And you must’ve got the wrong number. My family is fine right now, both alive and not in a nursing home. So, its a wrong number, Kyungsoo-ssi. I’m sorry”

I ended up a call, and covered myself in blanket. I could see my own blanket vibrating, as I started to shuddered.

He’s still alive.

*

As if summer was meaningless to brighten up anything, I was spacing out, barely touched the reality with the thoughts of my father. Questions had been popping up in my mind, but I knew that thinking about him was only a step closer to another hallucinations. Another nightmare to take, and I’m not up for suffocating myself again.

I decided to do some house chores after hours of sleep. Reminders of cleaning are still here, as the part of my OCD. Of course, I would do anything to distract myself from him.

“Jane?” Mrs. Byun knocked the door. “Its me. Do you want your room to be cleaned?”

I walked slowly and opened the door. I forgot that I just cried, and she saw me.

“Are you alright?” she asked. “Something just happened to you”

“Its just waking up” I wiped my tears, lying to her. “Ah, eommonim, you’re doing house chores, right? Can I help you?”

She was kind of surprised at first, before she finally nodded. “Sure” she said, and I helped her with the cleaning. At least it helped me to concentrate from other things that shouldn’t receive my thoughts.

“I haven’t clean Jongin’s room yet” she said in the middle of cleaning. “Can you do that for me? I’m going to the market to buy some kimchi, and I had to reach there before they’re running out”

Without saying no, I’ve had to do the cleaning. I went into the room next to mine, which is his room. Its my first time going to someone else’s room other than Baekhee’s. His room was a typical boys room, with white walls that framed them. Posters are sticked at every corner, although I’m not sure if it is Jongin’s or Baekhyun’s. It was a quite simple room, not stuffy and giving me a lot of space, because there were only a bed, a cupboard, a table for studying and a side table.

I started with the bed and straightened the wrinkles on the covers that smelled like him. Then I cleaned the floor and picked up some clothes that were on the floor. I cleaned the dust off his table, and looked to the pictures that are sticked to the wall. Mostly its pictures of him with his friends and family. There was one with his sisters, another one with Baekhyun and Chanyeol, another one with his friends. And there was one with his puppy, too. I immidiately looked away after that.

Next to the table was a long rectangular mirror that stood up on the floor. I sighed, looking at myself who looked hideous and perfect. As a maid.

Other than bed, mirror, table or cupboard is a small table where he puts a fishbowl on it. There was one goldfish, swimming with its long, orange tail that looked like a dress. The goldfish was looking at me, and I slowly smiled. This goldfish was actually cute, in its petite size and its orange, gold and black tails and fins that swaying around the water. Too bad this goldfish was alone, only accompanied by rocks and some plants.

“Oh, Hyung. Its me”

I heard a voice from the balcony. I peeked a bit and saw him. Jongin’s leaning to the railing with ears covered by his earplugs. He’s only wearing jeans, which made me looked away. I was quite fortunate since he was facing outside, so he didn’t realize that I was here. I could only looked to the goldfish, that swam back to me and opened its mouth.

“Yeah” his voice was there again. “I wanted to tell you something”

“Do you think its okay to have feelings.... to your senior?”

I wonder who it is. He’s a good guy, anyone he likes would be guaranteed by that.

“You remembered when I told you I have this one senior at the radio station?” he talked again. “Yeah, the one that’s hosting a show with me...”

Wait. I must’ve misheard this.

“Yes, that one” he said. “Well, she was cold at first, but I found out that she wasn’t like that later. She’s a good sunbae, and she’s nice, although she’s quite vulnerable sometimes”

I’m sure this is another auditory hallucination.

“She’s beautiful, too. I wish she knows that”

I really misheard this one.

“I know I shouldn’t do this but. . . I think I liked her, Hyung”