Sunday had finally came, and Chanyeol and Baekhyun got more hyper than usual. Its the day where we’ll be performing, or to be exact, busking. After two weeks of practice, I couldn’t help but feeling nervous. Its been a long time since I performed at London. I kept feeling thirsty, drinking non-stop while waiting for Chanyeol and Baekhyun doing their sound-check.

“Whoa, that’s the last bottle, anyway” Baekhyun walked past me, his eyes looked to the water bottle that I held. “You’re really nervous”

“Yeah” I nodded, unable to say words.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun looked closer to me, as they started to feel worried. “Jane, take a deep breath” Chanyeol said. “Come on, its gonna be alright. You have us”

I looked to them, trying to get off all the bad thoughts. Maybe he’s right, so I took a deep breath, slowly.

Its gonna be alright.

Its gonna be alright.

Its gonna be alright.

There won’t be anything, right? Its just like in London. Get a hold of yourself, Jane. Don’t let nerves kill you before you play your strings.

“Thanks, guys” I smiled, feeling better after taking deep breaths and drinking the water.  Chanyeol and Baekhyun smiled, injecting more spirits before we get on the stage. We put our hands (and my gloved-hands) together.

“Okay, everyone, lets do well! 1, 2, 3, fighting!”

*

Here we go.

The streets of Cheonggyeocheon suddenly got crowded, as people recognized Baekhyun and Chanyeol. I sat on my position, holding on my guitar. This is it.

“Good afternoon, guys!” Chanyeol greeted with a smile. “We are XO, the busking group who is back here! I hope you guys enjoy the show!”

“I’m Baekhyun” Baekhyun introduced himself. “And this is Chanyeol. We’ll start with the first one, its called Love Song” (click here for the song)

They both sat down. Chanyeol started to pluck some strings, and Baekhyun sang with his soft voice. It was an English song, but Baekhyun managed to sing the lyrics perfectly. Simple and soft, they made a perfect harmony.

Cause I need you, I need you, I need you

And I want you to be my lady

You’ve got to understand, my love...

I smiled, enjoying that heartwarming performance. Baekhyun’s falsetto was perfect, and although Chanyeol missed a beat in the tempo once, but he managed to keep the song perfect. I could see their embarrassed grins when Chanyeol made the mistake, but for me, its still a good performance. In the end, Baekhyun made a long note with his falsetto voice, which brought applauses from the audience.

“Okay, so that was the first song” Chanyeol smiled. “And for the second song, its a duet. I’ll sing together with Baekhyun”

The crowd once again applaused them, as Baekhyun continued. “Yah, Chanyeol-ah, who’ll play the music then if you’re just singing with me?” Baekhyun pretended to be mad, and the audience laughed.

“Don’t worry” Chanyeol said. “We’ve got a friend who just joined XO! She’s a very talented guitarist and singer! Everyone, please meet Jane Lee!”

I stood up and bowed to them. “She’ll be playing the guitar for the next song” Baekhyun introduced me. “For the next song, we’ll do a cover from Brown Eyes’s song, Already One Year” (click here for the song)

My hands started to play the strings, making the guitar intro for the song. The audience clapped, as I kept playing the song. Then, Chanyeol took the mic, and he started to sing.

Already a year thinking that because it was the first time, it would be fine after a few days

memories I had made with you come to me

my uneasy shyness the first time I confessed my love for you, passing by the first day we met

the tears, lighting the cake, and congratulating you on your birthday

People applaused, since Chanyeol’s singing was kind of rare in their performances. Baekhyun then took the turn, singing the refrain.

I believe in you, I believe in your mind

Even though already a year has gone by,

Even after a year or a year after that I wait for you

Who would’ve known that they’ll do an amazing singing duet? Even though I watched them practice this song, but their voices on this performance was amazing. Baekhyun strikes again with his high and long notes, and Chanyeol, being warm with his husky voice. It was amazing.

Right after the song ends, someone came out from the crowd. He was there, clapping with the other audiences. I didn’t know if I should be happy or not, but as soon as I saw him smiling, there was nothing to be worried about.

“Sunbae, fighting!” he whispered from afar, making a fist to the air.

Before he took my concentration, Chanyeol and Baekhyun once again took the control. “What do you think about our newest member, Jane?” Chanyeol asked the crowd.

“She’s good, right?” Baekhyun asked, and the crowd gave them an applause, cheering for me. I could only smiled and bowed to them. Thank God, they liked it.

“We’re glad that you guys liked our Jane” Baekhyun smiled. “Because, she's singing the next song!”

“Are you guys ready?” Chanyeol asked, and the crowd applaud louder.

I sat down and adjusting my guitar, before I introduced myself. “Hi, everyone. I’m Jane, and this is the song, Paper Hearts by Tori Kelly. I hope you enjoy it, guys. Thank you” (click here for the song)

Strings started to play, as I remembered Junmyeon through this song. His smile, his bright-self that guided me everywhere, his caring personality, and all the memories we had.

Goodbye love, you flew right by love

Remember the way you made me feel

Such young love but

Something in me knew that it was real

Frozen in my head

Pictures are living through for now

Trying to remember all the good times

Our life was cutting through so loud

Memories are playing in my dull mind

I hate this part, paper hearts

And I’ll hold a piece of yours

Don’t think I would just forget about it

Hoping that you won’t forget about it

I smiled bitterly, recalling the memories as I kept playing the song. Through this song, I expressed my yearning, to a missing piece that left from my heart. I secretly wished that Junmyeon could hear me playing this song, feeling this heart that was singing on this song.

When I finished, everyone applaused. I slowly smiled, feeling relieved that they enjoyed my performance.

“Waaah, Jane’s voice was amazing” Chanyeol praised me. “You guys want to hear it more?”

“Then, shall we go on to the next song?” Baekhyun asked. “Lets go! This is the famous hit, Some! I hope you guys enjoy this song. Thank you!”

For the next song, Some, I’ll be doing a duet with Baekhyun. While Chanyeol will do the rap, and playing the guitar. He started the intro, before Baekhyun took the first verse. (click here for the song)

Sometimes, I get annoyed without even knowing

But my feelings for you haven’t changed

Maybe I’m the weird one, I thought

As I struggled by myself

Baekhyun looked at me as if he was looking at his girlfriend. I smiled, welcoming his acting, because we both knew that this song needs chemistry to sing it perfectly. Then, I took the second verse.

While tossing and turning alone in an empty room

The TV plays reruns of yesterday’s drama

As I hold my phone that doesn’t ring until I sleep

We looked at each other as we sang together, trying not to miss a beat to each other. Baekhyun’s voice fitted the song, and he’s just relaxing there, not making a high note like the previous songs. Then, Chanyeol went in with his rap.

Pretending that we’re just friends,

Acting like we’re lovers, don’t do that

The more I think about it,

I get more curious about your real feelings

Girl you’re so ambiguous

I can’t do anything or maybe

I’m expecting a miracle, lotto

I want a clear sign but

I forget all about it when I see your smile

It was a nice performance, since the three of us enjoying this. People really enjoyed this new member and the whole new group concept. It was all a great work, a great performance. Thanks to Baekhyun and Chanyeol, I started to feel like what I was in London. A performer, was something that had been lost since I’m moving here. Maybe I really need them, since they’ve been very good to me. Being loud and asking me to join into this busking, made me forgot how painful I was.

Standing there in the crowd, Jongin clapped his hands. His eyes wouldn’t move from mine, looking at me all the time.

What are you trying to do, Kim Jongin?

*

Neither Jongin or I asked for this, but people kept calling our names for the next following days, reacting to our first broadcast, Late Night Stroll. Praises and congratulating words are coming, but it was a mechanism of something that you succeeded, a gift that you deserved. It was an appreciation, since we are running one of the most listened shows in the campus.

Jongin got better than that. Girls admired him right now, his fans increased, younger and even older girls. He started to receive gifts, but he gave one condition for them, as a warning to keep everyone safe.

"It was all because of Jane-sunbae's help as well, so please appreciate her too"

Which is why, this situation is something that I'm aware of. I might be hated for being close to him, or praised for what I did as a DJ. 

"Hello?"

"Sunbae? Did you bring my spare clothes?"

"What?"

"I'm sure that Mrs Byun had gave it to you somehow"

The memory of Mrs Byun gave me a small bag hits me. Fifteen minutes ago, I was in a hurry. Two hours had been wasted for remembering everything I need to bring. Repeated reminders kept buzzing in my head, made me repeatedly locking doors, tidying up and showering too. But on the last minute, Mrs Byun hurried to me when I'm about to leave the doorstep. 

"Please give this to Jongin" she said. "He forgot to bring his spare clothes"

 So this was actually for Jongin. My pace went faster as I walked into the campus building, while Jongin's on the phone. Why did I bring his clothes anyway?

"I'm already at the campus" I reported. 

"I'm at the soccer field" he said. "See you there, Sunbae"

So I made my way to the soccer field, where he had his soccer session before class. I never knew that he joined soccer too, alongside with dancing.

"Whoaaaa! Goal!!" I saw some girls screamed when I reached the bleachers. "Jongin-oppa just scored one goal on the last minute! So cool!"

Down there, Jongin was running around at the soccer field. His team hugged him and lift him up, cheering on his name. The girls were screaming for him, taking the most seats on the bleachers and succesfully holding my urge to walk down and put this bag in the locker room.

Match ends as the whistle blew thrice, and Jongin's team won with two points. I waited for them, doing some celebration before leaving the field one by one. When the bleachers finally emptied, I walked down and he was sitting there, on the long bench under the tree with his friends. He opened his shirt and threw himself with water, having a little shower there. Some girls giggled, watching him from afar. Of course, which fan didn't enjoy that sight?

"Omo~~~ he just stripped there!" one of them whispered, her cheeks reddened. "Jongin-oppa is so hot!"

Yeah, talk about illegal, the boy laughed with his friends as if nothing happened. But when one of his friends pointed him to the bleachers, he turned and smirked.  The girls went crazier, as his hand waved with his other hand ruffling his wet hair. His eyes were looking at me, as if he was calling me. 

Before the girls realized that, I walked away from them and went to the side, hoping that he'd excuse himself. 

"Hey"

"Hi" I greeted, then gave him the bag. "Here's your..."

"Oh" he smiled, then taking it from me. " Thanks, Sunbae"

What?

"I mean, I'm sorry" he took back his words. "Well, this is not appropriate, and you shouldn't bring my clothes for me. So, I'm sorry"

"Its fine" I accepted his apology. Its hard to say some words now because his scent that struck into my nose. He was sweaty, but how come he smelled so good? 

Jongin then walked into a male restroom. "Sunbae, will you wait for me?" he asked. "I've got something to ask you after this"

"Then why don't you ask now?"

"Well, okay" he smiled and stepped out. "Its actually...."

How long is he going to keep me this time? He must've some plan, although I'm not sure. 

"A secret" he smirked and closed the door, making me grew curious and hit the door with my glove-hands. "Yah!" I exclaimed.

But I quickly stepped back as the door opened, revealing some guys who walked out from the toilet. I should've wait somewhere further, since he's taking a shower.

"Jane!"

"Jane? Is that you?"

I turned around and found two familiar guys standing before me. The first one was short, round-faced guy with auburn hair and freckles, while the other one is Chinese, smiling with his dimples and has a messy, black hair covering his forehead.

"Minseok-oppa..." I smiled and nodded slightly to the shorter one, before I turned to the other guy. "Yixing-oppa... its been a long time"

"Yeah, it is" Yixing smiled, showing his dimples and started speaking with his Korean that mixed a lot with his Chinese accent. "Its been a long time since... since Junmyeon, right? I remembered when you two used to play with us! Whoa, time really flies fast"

"Of course, Oppa" I nodded. 

"When did you got back, Jane?" Minseok asked. "And its been a long time since we had lunch together! Why don't we go grab some lunch?"

"But, I..."

"Hey, come on, Jane" Yixing pouted. "You're shy? Its us! How can you say no? I reject that, okay!"

"Okay, okay" I finally had to say yes. "I'm in"

Minseok and Yixing took me to the cafetaria in no time. But they didn't know that I should've go with Jongin. 

I'm sorry, Jongin. I can't go.

"Whoa, who are you texting to?" Minseok smiled and laughed. "Your cheeks are so red"

"Really?" I panicked and started to touch my cheeks.

"Of course not" Yixing shook his head. "You looked fine, this guy over here is just playing around! You made her feel embarrassed!"

"I'm just joking, okay?" Minseok defended. "Come on, she's not even mad! You're not, right, Jane?"

I wasn't really listening to them, because another message popped up. Although I'm not replying this, but these messages are keeping my eyes glued to my smartphone.

Jongin: is this for the other day, Sunbae?

Jane: I'm not mad, Jongin.

"Tch, seriously, this guy..." I rolled my eyes.

"Jane, you're spacing out again" Minseok frowned, examining my gestures.

"Whoever is texting to her is making her crazy, hyung" Yixing added. "Is it a guy?"

"What? No!" I shook my head. "Guys, I'm alright"

"Well, my assignment isn't alright" Yixing shrugged. "Dad's going to kill me"

"Really?" Minseok asked, and Yixing told him about his latest assignment. Since they're on their last years of college, assignments are quite stressful and it'll be deciding whether they'll graduate this year or not.

You're not even replying. Are you mad at me, Sunbae? I hope you don't.

I sighed, looking at Jongin's message. He seemed not giving up, and got more talkative than usual. He kept bugging me for the next thirty seconds.

Jongin: Sunbae?

Jongin: Sunbae?

Jongin: Sunbae?

Jongin: Sunbae?

Jane: WHAT? =_=

I grunted and put the smartphone away. He's bothering me, more than Chanyeol or Baekhyun could do. However, that was quite enough to make Yixing and Minseok stopped talking and turned to me.

"Jane, what happened?" Yixing asked. "You're mumbling to yourself again"

"What?" I wasn't aware of that. "No, its just some text messages"

"You know, its been so weird..." Minseok started off a new topic. "Junmyeon's not here is just so weird, you know"

"Yeah" Yixing nodded. "I started to miss his jokes...."

"You know they aren't funny, Yixing" Minseok narrowed his eyes.

"That's why" Yixing groaned. "That's why I missed him, hyung. Because its not funny!"

Junmyeon. How can I forgot? As soon as the name was mentionned, my mind kept replaying of that day when we were in the elevator. His messages, clues of someone, that might just know something a little bit more than everyone else. Probably, that someone whom he called as a friend was between these two guys who were now in front of my eyes.

“Yeah” I tried to talk, directing this convo carefully. “I missed him too”

“Looking that only three of us here” Minseok said, his wrists steepled. “Its just not quite right... And we’ve been away for too long, he must’ve been confused, watching us from up there”

Silence started to going on between the three of us. We were there, going down deep in the memories as we recalling him as friends. Junmyeon wasn’t only a lover to me, but a friend who helped me a lot. None of us dared to speak, afraid of breaking down once more because of yearning him to be here. It was crystal clear, recalling two years ago, in the exact same place, when we were complete in four.

“Is this one’s empty?”

The first bite of my kimchi fried-rice had to wait, as his question distracted me. I looked up, caught this pair of eyes were looking to mine. He looked older than me, which I assumed that he was a senior in this campus, but seniority didn’t speak on his gestures. Different than other seniors who were cold, he was warm, smiling at me and being friendly.

“Well, I guess it is” he answered, since I couldn’t. “I’m sitting here since there’s no empty seats everywhere else, so is it fine for you?”

Glued to his gaze and his sudden actions, my eyes was the only thing worked in this body. Looking to him, as if I was looking at an angel who just came down and sat there beside me having his lunch. He was different, I kept reminding myself that he was. He looked back to me and asked, “What major?”

“Huh?”

“Major” he chuckled at my clumsiness. “You heard me clearly”

“Oh” I cleared my throat, trapped in this mechanism of awkwardness. “I’m... I’m in Communication Studies”

“Hmmm” he nodded. “For someone who’s in this major, you’re kind of quiet. Are you a freshman?”

“Um, yes” I nodded this time, gave up and following to his convo.

“Ah, I could see that” Junmyeon smiled. “I’m Junmyeon, by the way”

“Jane”

“Jane” he repeated my name. “God’s gracious gift”

“What...”

“Its the meaning of the name, according to what I’ve read on internet” Junmyeon answered. “You’ve got a good name, there, Jane. I like it”

“Thanks” I nodded. Out of my conscience, I was smiling. This person was encountering me like a friend who meant no harm to me. Junmyeon reminded me that there were these people who are pure and harmless towards others, being kind because of the deed itself.

“Yah, where have you been?”

Minseok and Yixing threw out protests as their friend, Junmyeon was here and they joined in. I was sitting alone, watching them eat together as in one table. Two years ago, they were sophomores, enjoying their peak, while I was a freshman, hardly have friends. Boundaries wasn’t something that drawn between me and them. Without words, they allowed me to sit here, together with them.

“Sorry, I’ve been so hungry, guys” Junmyeon apologized.

Yixing realized a companion who sat along, but Junmyeon realized and his smile grew wider. “Ah, you must be wondering who she is” he said.

“Who? One of your dates?” Minseok asked, which made Junmyeon’s cheeks gone red.

“Hyung, don’t be like that!” Junmyeon laughed in embarrassment. “She’s not my date. We just met and happened to share seats since there’s no more seats left in the cafetaria”

“Your date, what’s her name?” Yixing shot him with a question, which made him embarrassed once again. Funny, how he looked cute when he’s embarrassed.

“She’s Jane” Junmyeon said. “Freshman. Majoring... Communication”

“Well, Jane” Minseok sat down, his eyes set on mine. “You just got yourself a rich successor”

“Yeah, the next best businessman” Yixing added. “Straight A for two consecutive years, I bet he’s gonna get laude”

“Guys, seriously” Junmyeon stopped his friends from further embarrassment. “They’re just exaggerating. Anyway, just continue your lunch, okay? My cousin, Minseok-hyung and my friend, Yixing, they’ll be here for awhile”

I nodded and watched them playing around. It was an encounter, to something that I could fathom as friendship, and love. A boundary that was erased for feelings that couldn’t be hold. Free-falling, for his heart, that went deep.

Looking back into now, it was a memory that will never come twice. I was glad that I’m friends with them, and they found their way back to me, after what happened. I couldn’t go, however, although I could hold my mouth and be their listener. But they are Junmyeon’s friends, they hurt as much as I did.

What they didn’t see is his presence that came here lately. The meetings I had with Junmyeon when they weren’t here. Did they feel the same?

“Guys” I suddenly spoke. “What if... he was still here?”

They could’ve felt the same like I did. Minseok and Yixing missed him a lot, and perhaps seeing him like the way he did to me. But they looked at me and raised their eyebrows, feeling that the question was something quite hard to elaborate.

“What do you mean by that?” Yixing asked back. “Jane, you know that he’s not here anymore”

As much as I want to believe it, those words are still pins and needles for me. If it was a stranger’s words, perhaps I could’ve treat it differently.

“But...” Minseok suddenly spoke, letting his words hung in the air. “I think something went wrong”

“What went wrong?” Yixing asked. “I thought we made it clear, Hyung”

“I thought the same too, Yixing” Minseok replied. “But things went suspicious in the family”

Something was wrong. Of course, with all of these fragments of the past that came before my eyes, there was something wrong. The question is, what went wrong?

“I don’t know what happened” he continued. “I wanted to know, but my guts are telling me that this isn’t good”

“Oppa” I looked to him. “What was wrong?”

“I don’t know” Minseok shook his head. “Jane, I know how much you wanted to know this, but whatever it is, I’m afraid that it’ll hurt you eventually”

“I’m his girl” I made myself clear. “I want to know. No, I need to know”

“Jane...” Yixing tried to calm me down.

“I’m sorry, guys” I held my anger. “Its not that I’m selfish or what, but its suffering me. Its been suffering me, hurting me. I wanted to make sure, whether he’s gone or not”

Minseok was worried, and spoke up to calm me down. “But its been a year, and there’s no–“

“I saw him” I said. “I saw him, not long ago. He was just there, walking with me, talking to me”

“Jane, no way” Yixing shook his head. “You know that he’s not here anymore”

“He’s here” I said it, slow and clear. “Something must have happened”

“Jane...”

They didn’t believe me. Those moments when he came, it was only happened to me. I held back my tears, not understanding everything about this. But the worse thing to feel is that they don’t understand how I feel.

“Just find him, Oppa” my voice turned cold, turning these words into a demand. “Please. I’m worried about him so much, and if its suspicious, then those guts might be true. I need to know whether he’s still here or not”

They didn’t know what happened to me, or what I have been suffering for this one long year. His death, Junmyeon’s death, was something I could never fathom. Call this yearning, but seeing him again in London, or in some other places, what should I call it? Something real, that he was really back and went to see me? Or surreal dreams that actually never happened? It was a total blur.

I cried as I got into the empty hallway, feeling the pain that came back. Call me selfish for wanting him back so bad, but having him before your eyes when you know this hurtful truth was suffering. Its been suffering me a lot.

“Jane...”

I saw someone was calling me. I looked around, and I found him. Walking out from those shadows, turned into a silhouette. In all of sudden, it was cold and slowly painful, shaking me and made the way for fear to came in. I remembered this silhouette, lurking from shadows and left me with pain.

“Jane...”

My feet started to run, following that voice. The voice led me to the stairs, but it was like an echo, losing the track somewhere.

“Jane...”

I followed those voice again, made my way back to the hallway. Outside, I could hear the rain started to fall, making hard sounds against the windows. This time, the rain came with the storms, and every call of them just took me one step back to the past. Bringing me back to those nightmares.

“I’m fine, Jane. Just, don’t let me go...”

“I won’t! I don’t want to!”

“Jane... I’ll be alright, okay?”

“Jane-ssi. I’m sorry, but we tried our best”

The long beep suddenly came, hurting my ears. Louder than the thunderstorms, they blasted off to my ears, slowly killing me. I shook my head, as I felt my knees fell down to the floor.

“Sunbae”

Someone was holding me. It was him, looking at me in worry. Tears started to fall as I remembered what happened before. I was crying, feeling this suffering of what’s real and what’s not, and having no one who understood.

My heart beated faster as he stretched his arms to hold me. He was holding me gently, and I couldn’t lie as he hugged me. I couldn’t stop my tears, and slowly, this warmth and this calming scent suddenly came into me. Its like, I felt safe to be in his arms.

“Sunbae...” he called me, as I leaned to his shirt, inhaling his scent. He might wonder why, but he understood, that I just wanted to cry right now. Remembering those painful memories, was the worst nightmare I had that turned real. I didn’t know how long I was crying, but I thanked him for being here for me. Listening and being someone I could hold onto. 

“Its alright” he said, as he ran his hand along my back. “Its alright”

His words was somehow calmed me down. Putting me back in reality, knocking into my sense that the nightmare has stopped and now he’s here. I stayed there in his arms, seeping into his warmth and inhaling his scent, repeating his words in my head.

I realized, that I was hugging him. His hands and body touched me, and I stepped back. This isn’t supposed to happen. I didn’t understand why are we suddenly like this. Somehow, I wanted to run away.

“Jongin” I whispered. “I want to go outside”

“But, Sunbae, its rain–”

“If you can’t go, then I’ll go on my own”