Episode 63

After a burdened night, Jan Di woke up in the next morning. She couldn’t sleep even a minute properly. Most of the time her tears were flowing down without be able to think that what she should do. Her heart knew exactly, that within last two years she was so much attached to her sunbea and she never denied or rejected him by being with her. She had to admit that she has contributed to light the ashes of his heart and it was not just a feeling of him.

She got a call to the land phone in the room from hotel reception asking her to come over there.

She stepped out from her room and walked towards her friend’s room.

“Ga Eul!” she knocked the door.

“Ahh! Jan Di” Ga Eul came out with a smile. She noticed the dark clouds in her face clearly. Both of them were heading towards the reception.

“I got a call asking to come to the reception” Jan Di said to the reception lady.

“Are you Gum Jan Di?” she asked.

“Yes”

“You have a small parcel” Reception gave a small box to her hand. Both girls looked surprisingly and Jan Di opened it curiously. There was her phone and envelop.

“It’s my phone. It was with Ji Hoo sunbea yesterday. Why he has handed over it to reception? Oh! There is envelop also” Jan Di said shockingly.

“Sometimes, he has gone out by now. So he might need to give the phone to you in case you need it”

Ga Eul said simply. But knowing the things happened between them yesterday night; Jan Di couldn’t clearly imagine anything. An Unknown fear came to her heart. She gave the phone and the box to Ga Eul’s hand and opened the envelop and started to read through his handwriting. Her eyes were widened and her heart has started to thump so fast

Dear Gum Jan Di,

By the time you read this letter, you may be in so many confusions and conflicts because of me. As I always tell you what I truly want to see the bright smile in your face just like the first time I saw you. By now I feel that I am the barrier of your peace…. so…. let me to leave….

Whatever I think, how much I denied & how hard I fool myself so far…. yesterday I realized that there is a limit for everything because I cannot hold my heart here in after & this is the maximum far I could come. And mostly I cannot let you to struggle in your life because of me.

Jan Di…., just as once I told you, I don’t know when these feelings started but without you I am nothing. That’s the crucial truth of my life which I admit every single second in my life. One story of a life should be ended to start a new story of it. Truly speaking the story about you and me might never have started in your heart ever.

I admit I have deep feelings for you. It started the moment I noticed you. I had an urge to remove your obstacles…and eliminate your troubles. I have unknowingly become a shoulder that you could lean on. But little did I expect every tear you shed hugging my chest and every sigh you made in my arms would make me fall for you unknowingly. Yes… Day by day I fall for you to the extent that I cannot bear my hidden feelings anymore…

I loved you from the start but I didn’t realize it. I only dimly sensed that my heart would ache for no reason…but the pain grew…it grew day by day… And now, it’s unbearable and by now I know why…It’s because I…………………….

Two kinds of regrets in the world are most agonizing. One is losing the person you love. The other one is your beloved loses happiness. I wish only the first one would happen with me as always.

I am sorry if I have done anything caused trouble to you and I am glad that I met you in my life and you gave a meaning to it. But I am sorry I will not meet you again to say Good Bye &yesterday night would be our last meeting.

Though I am going away from you like this, do not stop attending for your treatments and focus on your studies as well. Wherever I am, my wish is always with you that you smile always brightly and you are happy and receive everything you wish in your life.

The things happened between you and me during last four years and especially in the last two years and even yesterday night, erase from your mind like nothing happened so far between us. Consider them that just coincident and no more to think about them.  All these memories you don’t need to carry forward in your life because you have someone about whom you should keep memories.

I can still remember the words of you. ‘You are not just someone for me’ it’s the only value that someone gave for me so far in my lifetime. I never forget those words.

Thank you for everything Jan Di-ahh… I cannot write more in this state any more even my hand is shaking with the nervous I feel in my heart.

Be happy and be healthy always. If it will be the fate, then I will see you again.

Then, I quit here.

Yoon Ji Hoo

Ga Eul noticed that her friend’s hands were shaking continuously while she was reading the letter. The widened eyes and the open mouth of her expressed a fear in her heart too. Without telling anything with a scare Ga Eul just stared at her. When the reading is over, Jan Di looked at Ga Eul at once. What Ga Eul noticed were two big tear drops just fallen from her friend’s eyes.

“Jan Di! What’s wrong? Tell me…Jan Di!”

She touched her friend’s hands and shakes them. Jan Di removed her hands and quickly ran towards their rooms. She went and stopped at Ji Hoo’s room and noticed the door is open. She entered there with a scare and realized that every luggage of him has gone and the room is clean and clear. Jan Di sat on the bed like a dead person.

Ga Eul ran after her. She entered to the Ji Hoo’s room behind her as well. She slowly moved to her friend and took the letter from her hand. When her eyes were running each and every word of the letter, even Ga Eul felt that her eyes were going to blot as well.

“Jan Di……!” she said while looking at the pale face of her face.

The big round tear balls were dancing at the edge of Jan Di’s eyes. She didn’t try to hold them anymore and they were freely running through her eyes.

“Jan Di! Speak to me. Don’t be like this. Speak with me” Seeing her friend like a dumb there, Ga Eul felt really scared. She sat next to her folded the letter and hang it Jan Di’s hand.

“Ga Eul……! Has he really left? Even without meeting me or telling me, just leaving a piece of paper for everything, has he really left?” Jan Di’s crying words hurt Ga Eul’s heart so much.

“Jan Di, I will go and ask from the reception about him. You wait here” Ga Eul ran towards the reception again.

When the small tear drops were becoming bigger the small cry of her was also increased gradually. She cried sitting on the bed folding the letter in her hand painfully.

She could remember his words one by one by now which she couldn’t realize when he was with her.

‘I don’t want to speak; I just want to keep looking at you because who knows when I can see you again’

‘He must have planned from yesterday to leave like this. That’s why he said like that.’ She thought holding her crying heart.  She recalled her memory when he moved towards her to kiss her lips and how she stopped him. Even now she felt trembling inside of her when recalling the last night memories with him.

‘If I let this to happen how can we see each other here in after?’

She memorized her words at the moment she stopped him. ‘He must have felt like a hell when I said and stopped him like that. Like never, the reason he tried to kiss me must be this separation. Ohh! Sunbea! Why didn’t I notice even for a second that you are going to leave like this? It’s totally because of me, right… I know it very well. It’s totally because of me’ her heart was blaming her continuously. Surprising her thoughts even, she felt that she should have let him to kiss her yesterday because that was the last memory of this separation.

‘Why cannot I erase these feelings from me? Why cannot I give up on you Jan Di?’

She couldn’t hold her cry and the words of him were repeating in her ears continuously. She knew perfectly that he loves her and he has deep feelings for her but she has not let him to move and what she has done was just letting the time to pass with everything.

“Jan Di!” she heard Ga Eul’s voice from the door step.

“Jan Di. Ji Hoo sunbea has left the hotel today early morning and he has booked a ticket for Korea. By now, he must have gone.” Ga Eul said looking at her teary red eyes. Jan Di looked at her friend’s face helplessly.

“Has something happened between you two yesterday night?” Ga Eul asked. Even in the letter something like that has mentioned also.

Jan Di didn’t know what to tell to her. She only nodded her head to say ‘yes’. Ga Eul would know that exactly though Jan Di didn’t express much.

“Jan Di, what are we going to do?” Ga Eul asked helplessly from her friend.

“What can I do Ga Eul? I cannot let him leave like this from me but even though I go & stop him then what can I do? Do you think that I should swim against the waves here in after?” Jan Di asked from her pain fully.

“Have you come to a point that you have a second option like that in your heart? ‘Swimming against the waves?’” Ga Eul asked straightly looking at her.

Jan Di looked at her in a confusing mindset.

“Jan Di-ahh, listen. It’s not swimming against the waves. It’s deciding the correct path you need to go without confusing.” She said trying to convince her.

“I stopped him yesterday night. I rejected him again. I didn’t allow him to kiss me though I perfectly knew it was he needed mostly at that time with his holding heart. He held everything so far and when I went with Goo Jun Pyo saying him that I am going to spend the night with him, I know that he was not be able to bear it. And even when he came towards me I blocked his emotions and I was the one who has made the path for him to leave. Then, how can I go after him? How can I tell him not to leave me like this?” Jan Di wiped her tears and looked down.

Jan Di’s words made shiver Ga Eul’s heart.  She could remember the intimacy and skin-ship she had with Ei Jung at every time they met. In every moment Ei Jung has kissed her and hugged because they were in love. Therefore, she could understand the things perfectly. But hearing her words, what Ga Eul could feel was that there will be a scar in the heart of Ji Hoo forever separating pain fully like this. And she scared of her friend as well.

“Jan Di, please don’t make yourself confused. Let’s go and find others. Will see what we can do” she said and caught Jan Di’s hand. Just for a last time Jan Di stared at the place where near to wall where he moved towards her pain fully yesterday. A fresh tear was counting to her eyes unknowingly.

Ga Eul noticed clearly her sight. She knew that she has memories in this room with Ji Hoo sunbea but she couldn’t let her to dive within them at the moment. She dragged Jan Di towards her and left to find others quickly.

……………………………………

“Ei Jung sunbea!” Ga Eul’s voice came from very far, to where both Ei Jung and Woo Bin sat in the garden. They saw that both girls were running towards them. They quickly stood up with a curiosity.

“What’s wrong?”Ei Jung asked when they came closer to them.

“Has Ji Hoo sunbea contacted you?” Ga Eul asked on behalf of Jan Di.

“We also were talking regarding that” Ei Jung said in a serious mood.

“What do you mean by sunbea?” Jan Di asked curiously. ‘Do they know the reason which he has left? Has he told them too?’ Jan Di’s mind was questioning her madly.

“He has left to Korea today morning. We even didn’t know. He has sent a text massage to us saying that because of urgency he will leave. But by now, his phone is not working so we cannot contact him.” Woo Bin said showing the text massage to both girls.

Jan Di felt that the friends of him don’t know anything about the truth. She slowly put the letter which was folded in her hand in to her pocket. Ga Eul stared at Jan Di and she noticed the empty look of her face. With that expression, Ga Eul noticed that the truth should be a secret and even she is not going to tell to Ei Jung.

“But actually, when I think about his leave it made me really curious and unbelievable Ei Jung. We were about to speak with him today because he was so drunkard yesterday and day before yesterday also.” Woo Bin said looking at Ei Jung’s face.

“Yesterday and day before yesterday?” Jan Di asked shockingly.

“Ahh! Yeah… you didn’t know anything I guess. He had few glasses indeed. I felt that he was in a pain but didn’t know the exact reason for it. Jan Di do you have any idea? Or do you know anything about him?” Woo Bin asked making her nervous a lot.

“Ahh! Me….!” Ja