Goodbye my love...
Mid-SeasonsFlashbacks
Siwon~
Today was the day I'd tell him. I needed to get this over with before I end up hurting myself even more. I don't think he's capable of being hurt. Not because of me anyways because I know he doesn't love me. He says he does but he doesn't even know his own feelings anymore.
I watched him sleeping. He looks so peaceful almost resembling an angel that I couldn't help but peck his forehead lovingly.
It's crazy how I came here just to make him suffer yet he made me fall in love with him without even noticing. I'm not even gay only for him though.
He stirred a bit and uttered that one word that started my doubts after I thought we were fine. After we passed the hurricane of haters deeming our relationship the worst because it hurt the school's Jewel. HIM.
It's him.
It's still him.
It has been him.
I just don't think he even realizes it yet and when he does I know my heart will break even more knowing he'll regret what I find most precious at the moment: our relationship.
"Hyukkie.." There it goes again.
And again. And again. I close my eyes shut and cover my ears as the tears stream down my cheeks.
I deserve it though. I hurt Hyukjae for my own selfish reasons.
"Who is that?" I asked one of the student council members who was showing me around.
But of course I didn't need to know who he was because I know everything about him already. From his fake smiles to his clingy persona and his fish favoritism.
"Oh that's Lee Donghae. See the guy with the dark hair next to him? That's Lee Hyukjae he's our school's dancing prodigy. Also Donghae's boyfriend. Don't they look so cute together?" I knitted my eyebrows in understanding. So he's taken big deal. I'm known to be a charmer most can't resist.
I stared at the happy couple. That Hyukjae guy was smiling widely as Donghae kissed his neck with his arms around the other's slim waist.
They do look happy indeed. But I don't know Hyukjae so why should it matter if he gets hurt in the end as well or not? It's not like I'll regret it. He's just a stone in my path anyways and afterwards I can go back to the US and forget this ever happened that's right.
"Hey uh can I get the rest of the tour later? I kinda need to meet my dad for... business stuff." The petite brunette smiled at me nodding his head but then frowned.
"That reminds me. I need to go check up on my father as well. I think Donghae could give you the tour seeing as he's Vice President-"
"Perfect!" I yelled a little too enthusiastic. He narrowed his eyes at me but then spoke again. "I'll just have to ask him I'm not sure if he might be busy if so I'll just have another council member tour you." I nodded secretly hoping my victim would be okay with it.
I did get my tour with him. We talked and laughed and I flirted though I could see he was trying to avoid my flirt attempts.
He was the dominator I could tell by how he hugged his boyfriend tightly and initiated most of the skinship plus the other was in touch with his feminine side or so that's how I viewed him.
Of course I don't have experiences with gay relationships so I could be wrong. But that doesn't matter. Even guys like being spoiled and pampered right?
I began showing Donghae my gentlemanly, sweet, kind, nice, funny, attentive side. He liked it.
I was a prince in his eyes.
"Yet I still wonder why you still don't have a girlfriend." He laughed mockingly I only shrugged looking at him intensely as we studied our biology which we both at.
"That's because I don't like any girl. I like someone else. Someone I keep falling for over and over again just at the sight of his smile and lovely presence." I mentally gagged at my cheesiness as my gaze never left his.
He eyed me with such a confused expression I couldn't help but bite my lower lip. Suddenly those thin lips looking so invitingly.
He looked down at his lap where his books were resting suddenly he grabbed them and set them on my desk. I sensed he was about to leave when I suddenly grabbed his wrist and pulled him back to his chair.
"You want to know who I'm talking about?" I asked and he just shook his head. He was confused, panicked and scared..? I don't know exactly but even so I didn't stop myself from my next step.
My lips lingered on his and I felt his rapid breath on my lips. Touch.
I kissed him. At first he was frozen not knowing what to do or in shock but I grabbed his head and pulled him closer. He set his hands on my shirt it as he gave in and kissed me back. I watched as his eyes slowly closed and his lips moved against mine slowly and sensually.
That was the first time my heart beat increased. Because of him. For him.
It was our first kiss but not our last.
Donghae became clingy and I'd purposefully make him jealous to have his feelings for me clearer. It worked.
Little by little I watched as he became distant with Hyukjae.
I knew my feelings for Donghae were growing. I knew Hyukjae was hurting and Zhou Mi warned me but I wasn't afraid of him.
"Hae! Why are you like this? You barely even acknowledged me during your soccer game." Hyukjae was on the verge of tears and my stupid heart clenched knowing the truth.
"Sorry Hyukjae I've been stressed that's all." Donghae said as he eyed me. I was way back in the bleachers Hyukjae was in the front.
"Hae I love you." I gulped.
"I know. I gotta go." He left and that was the first time I saw Hyukjae cry. He didn't even care about crying in front of a lot of students.
I could see he was loved though because a bunch of girls and guys huddled around him trying to comfort him and cursing Donghae until Sungmin came by and took him somewhere else.
I felt bad. The way he was crying it was heartbreaking. He resembled a lost baby and the sight would make anyone want to hug him tightly and soothe him. I wanted to apologize. I really did.
Donghae came by to the theater department and that's when I told him.
"Donghae I'm sorry but I can't be with you whatever it is that we have we can't." He broke down and I had to leave in order to stop myself from regretting what I had done.
All that appeared in my mind was Lee Hyukjae crying. And I felt like a monster. I was already someone else all because I for the first time loved someone. Lee Donghae.
Not even a day later he came by my room and told me he had broken up with Hyukjae. I didn't want to take him back but my heart was betraying me. I didn't give in easily though.
It took him three days of constant clinginess and begging for me to be with him. I accepted. That day I made him mine. All mine only.
Or so I thought.
We were just hanging around the new cafe that barely had opened. Donghae's suggestion.
Ever since we got together he'd be on alert about our surroundings. We couldn't even hold hands or kiss on campus. His excuse being he barely broke up with Hyukjae and didn't want anyone bashing me thinking I was the reason.
I really was the reason though and the guilt never left me but my love for this brunette was stronger and bigger than the guilt.
We were enjoying our date when suddenly he kissed me. In public! Well the cafe was new and there was no one from campus here so it was safe. That is until I no longer felt his lips on mine. He was on the floor with a bruised lip and Sungmin looking threatening. He grabbed me by my collar and punched me. I watched his fist swing for another blow but Donghae crawled in front of me and took it for me. That's when I saw Hyukjae staring at us as his tears flowed. Sungmin was going to keep hitting Donghae until I heard a scream and Heechul rushed over pulling Sungmin off of Donghae. He didn't even defend himself neither did I. Because we both knew we were at fault.
I believed him when he said he had broken up with Hyukjae. But now I knew the truth and I too broke up with him.
He had the choice now. Make it up with Hyukjae or me. So when he came knocking on my door that night with a huge teddy bear on hands my heart fluttered and I felt extremely happy he had chosen me.
He had promised and showed me he had left Hyukjae for good.
It was our new start. Our new beginning together.
The guilt was no longer there well only when Hyukjae was mentioned or near because I didn't have the courage to face him.
Everything was going fine. We had a lot of antis but we didn't care.
We were happy well until he started with every single little thing that made me realize he didn't really love me like he said he did.
"Hae," I called to get his attention. He opened his eyes and sat up from where he was laying on the grass.
"Yeah?" He asked facing me.
"You're too clingy." I started almost chocking on my own words "At first it was cute but now it's getting annoying." It's not. It's just an excuse.
"I'm sorry I'll try not to." No please don't give me that puppy look.
I turned away from him "You don't have to. It's over Donghae."
"What? But why? Did I do something wrong?" He asked shaking me to face him. Please don't do this any harder.
"Donghae it's not me you want it's someone else." I bit my lip.
"No I want you! I love you!" He shouted desperately.
"No you don't. I'm not your monkey."
"Guess who?" He covered my eyes "Donghae?" I asked grinning "No you silly monkey! It's your fish Hae!" My grin faltered.
"My smile shows no gums."
"Siwonnie smile brighter!" I gave him my toothless smile. "Like this?" He shook his head. "No you're doing it wrong it's like this!" He grinned widely. I felt my heart jump at the sight. "How about now?" I asked mirroring his grin. "No no like this!" He dabbed his fingers on my lips stretching them wide. "You see now your gums are showing!" My heart clenched at his words.
"I don't want to dye my hair."
"You know you'd look way hotter if you dyed your hair." We were studying and his comment made me look up from my book. "Yeah? What color should I dye it?" I asked wondering how I'd look in any color. "Blond!" He said "I think it'd suit you."
"I hate eyeliner."
"What are you doing?" I asked as he approached with a black pencil aiming it towards my eyes. "Just putting some eyeliner on your eyes. Hold still!.. No don't close your eyes!" I frowned "Why?" He just grinned "So your eyes can pop out more. There!" He handed me a mirror "It's perfect!" But that's not me. And it itches!
"I don't like pouting it's so not me."
"You know I've never seen you pout before." I turned to him after I popped a fry in my mouth "That's because I don't." I said opening his soda. "Why?" He asked and took the fry I had dipped in ketchup into his mouth. "It'd look adorable on you!" No it certainly wouldn't at least not the way you'd want it to.
"I don't have plump lips."
We were done making out and he was lying on top of me. He smiled as he stared at my lips. "I'm addicted to these lips." He said as his thumb grazed my lower lip. "Oh really?" I asked smiling. "Yes! I can't get enough of them. I love your plump lips." Once again my heart clenched as I frowned.
"My favorite color is not blue."
"Here!" I raised my eyebrows at the dozens of balloons he had on hand. "What are those for?" I asked him. "Just a gift. You like it?" I stared at him then at the balloons that had my name on them. "I do. But why blue?" I asked and he just shrugged. "It's your favorite color. Duh!"
"I can't be cute. I'm too masculine."
"Have you ever done aegyo?" I shook my head at his question. "No, why?" He gave me his trademark grin. The one I love. "You should! Act cute for me please?" Oh those puppy eyes! That was the first and last time I ever did aegyo. And he didn't protest.
"I don't wear bandanas nor caps."
"Look!" He handed me a bag "I went to the mall and while browsing about I found these cool bandanas and caps for you!" I nodded as I searched through the bag "But why?" I was about to tell him I don't wear them but.. "You collect them that's why."
"I don't grow my hair for a reason. I look better this way."
"What are you doing?" I asked as he ran his hand through my hair patting it flat from its usual upwardness to make it fall on my forehead. "Fixing your hair. I think it would look better if you grow it out. You see?"
"I'm not cheesy."
I looked at my watch when suddenly my date had appeared. "C'mon I think we'll be late." He frowned and stopped walking. "What no compliments?" I furrowed my eyebrows "On what?" He just rolled his eyes "My outfit! I didn't know what to wear so I just chose whatever." I eyed him up and down "You look nice." He frowned again "Just nice?" But I only shrugged "What else do you want me to say?" We walked to my car "Oh I don't know maybe "You look so handsome but then again you look great in anything you wear my fish!" Then you extend your hand for me and kiss my forehead or nose or both while smiling." I opened the door for him. "You're watching too many dramas Hae." And the rest of the car ride to the restaurant was full of bickering and advice on how to be cheesy. I knew what he wanted me to tell him was something he had already heard from someone else though.
"I'm not your calendar."
"." I was startled when he bloated out of bed while I was finishing my project. "What?" I asked. "I forgot today I had soccer practice." "Oh" I simply said going back to my project. "Why didn't you remind me?" He asked gathering his things. "How am I supposed to know?" I asked looking up from my thick book "Never mind. I forgot I had the council meeting yesterday as well. ! I also forgot to wash now I have nothing to wear!" He whined. "Yeah you forgot about the big English assignment due tomorrow as well right?" I asked amused. Was I supposed to remind him? "!"
"Most importantly, I'm not your Hyukkie." This time I turned to him looking him in the eyes.
"What? When did I-" He was confused. But he was still holding on to me.
"You talk in your sleep Hae." I said and stood up. I was feeling grateful but broken when he just sat there processing everything.
It's really the end this time Hae. It wouldn't work out. Not by your end because you still love him.
You're not annoyed by him, you're not tired of his cute antics, you're not over him.
You never were.
You just wanted to be the one to get pampered and spoiled for once at least. That was my only purpose.
Because you don't love me. You still love him and that's something I should've respected. If it wasn't for me you would've still been with your Hyukkie. Kissing him, doting on him, spoiling him, loving him...
And I know I can't save you from the pain you'll feel once you realize Hyukjae is no longer in love with you but with someone else.
I'm a despicable selfish person who didn't think things through. In the end I'll wound the person I've loved the most.
I cried and cried for nights. But I don't know if it's because it's over for good or because Donghae will soon suffer and pay for what we both did to Hyukjae once he realizes he lost him. I'm already paying. I lost you. Letting you go was hard but necessary.
Karma is a . I'm truly sorry Hae.
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A/N: Please don't hate on Siwon because it's his BIRTHDAY!
Happy late Bday to Hyukkie and Happy birthday to our Wonnie today~
I actually updated some of my other stories during Hyukkie's Birthday. Mianhae /).(\
Hope everyone congratulated both already ^^ if not it's never too late~
Next chapter is done too but I'll update that later muahahah >:)
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Love you all!
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