ATMOSPHERE

There was no one in the world Seo Chansik hated more than Jung Yunho.

He knew it was stupid from the beginning. Yunho was a talented singer and dancer who brought a lot to their team, and when it came down to it, there really wasn't anything to dislike about him. Chansik had had his fair share of dealing with people he hated who actually were offensive in some way, but Jung Yunho wasn't like them at all. In fact, he was infuriatingly nice for the most part. Whenever he or Seungmin were hungry, Yunho was the first one to buy them food, and on more than one occasion, he'd stayed late to help them practice, even though he needed to take a bus trip every night to get home. Chansik appreciated the kindness of people as much as anyone, so really he felt awful about his ungrateful feeling towards Yunho, who had never been cruel to him and had only ever treated him kindly.

It was that Kim Jaejoong liked Yunho that made Yunho impossible to like. Or maybe not so much that Jaejoong liked him in general, but that he liked him to a greater degree than he liked Chansik. Chansik also knew that was unreasonable since Yunho had known Jaejoong for longer and even had spent a summer living with him, but the feeling still nagged at him when he watched them together. There was a lightness in Jaejoong's eyes that only appeared when he was looking at Yunho. There were stories that the two of them shared that Chansik knew nothing about, and mutual friends they shared with each other, as well. They were just as close physically as they were emotionally. Yunho's hand was forever straying around Jaejoong's waist, and Jaejoong always leaned back into him, his smile both beautiful and unobtainable to Chansik. He had a feeling he could know Jaejoong for years and grow as close to him as he could, but that kind of smile would never, ever be directed at him.

That was what made him feel bad. That was why he couldn't like Jung Yunho. He couldn't stand feeling again that he wasn't worth anything, that he was always second string to other people. He'd never really been close to anyone in particular for so many years, and he hated that the first friend he actually really cared about held someone else as dearer to him.

It's so stupid, he thought to himself, watching Jaejoong and Yunho sitting on the couch in the practice room, Yunho gently trailing his fingers down the length of Jaejoong's leg. Who gets petty over friendships like this? Who cares if I'm first, second, or last as long as I'm actually someone's friend?

Still, Chansik simply couldn't help it. Whenever he looked at Yunho, a feeling of anger and jealousy raged in chest. What's so special about him? What makes him better than me? Why am I not enough?

0o0

When Chansik met Shim Changmin, he thought for a moment that he'd finally found someone he disliked more than Yunho. Here was someone who also shared a close relationship with Jaejoong, one who was lovingly pinched and prodded and fed with familiar affection. They weren't as close to each other as Yunho and Jaejoong were, but at least Yunho knew how fortunate he was to have Jaejoong's attention; Changmin just brushed it off as nothing, which infuriated Chansik even more, particularly since unlike Yunho, Changmin didn't like him either. Watching Jaejoong sling his arms around Changmin and having Changmin attempt to wriggle away also made Chansik's feelings of jealousy and anger return, though it wasn't the same kind of jealousy the way Jaejoong smiled at Yunho made him feel.

It wasn't until meeting someone else that Chansik changed his mind about disliking Shim Changmin the most. The first time he'd seen Lee Shinwon, he'd been a bit surprised by him, and that was all. More than anything, it was just odd to see someone that pretty who was actually a guy. Shinwon clearly dyed his hair, but it still looked healthy and soft like the hair of the women you see in shampoo commercials, so perfect that it was borderline unreal. Chansik had almost lost himself staring at it before realizing that Changmin was waving at Yunho and Jaejoong, and that he, too, had passed his auditions and made it in.

Chansik had spent the rest of the day pouting, though he'd previously been excited about the possibility of new trainees. Haejin and Chaozhi were cute, and the other two seemed all right, but why on earth did he have to have another rival for Jaejoong's attention like Changmin around? Wasn't one more than enough?

“That suits you perfectly,” a sweet sounding voice cooed from behind as Chansik was gathering his things from the changing room to go home. Chansik looked up into the mirror and saw Shinwon staring back at him with an almost smug smile.

“What suits me?” he asked, hoisting his backpack over his shoulder.

“That concentrated frown of yours. Has anyone told you before that you look cute when you're mad?”

“Cute?” Chansik sniffed disdainfully. “No, that's not something I hear a lot. Or want to hear.”

“Why, there's nothing wrong in being a little cute sometimes? Trust me, I probably know better than you.” He walked up gracefully and looked at Chansik with a smile. “Anything you're unhappy about? Do you not like me and the other newbies?”

“No. I don't even know you.”

“But you're clearly grumpy about us being around. Or do you not like having a new hyung? I promise I'll be good to you, dongsaeng.”

Chansik scowled. He'd forgotten that Shinwon was older than him by a few months, especially since he was a head or two shorter. “No,” he said drily. “I'm thrilled to work with you, hyung.”

Shinwon snickered. “Ooooh, you said that so coldly, just like you say Yunho hyung. But Yunho hyung seems like an amazing guy, so I'll take it as a compliment. Anyways, you can call me without the hyung. I want to be friends.”

“Do you?” Chansik asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“Definitely. You're really the type I get along with, right?” Shinwon sidled up to him and hooked their arms together. “We should be best friends.”

Chansik's eyes narrowed. He knew this type of person, this overly bright and friendly butterfly. He was either a gossip or a bully who got off by pretending to be friends with his target. There was no way anyone would want to be friends with him so quickly and arbitrarily, particularly not someone who right off the bat.

“Now you look angrier!” Shinwon said cheerfully. “Seriously, you're great. Can I call you Chansikkie?”

“Are you joking? You just met me this afternoon.”

“So?”

“SO? Are you even Korean? Don't you think you should maybe earn the right or something?”

“Oh, definitely. Can I come over to your house? We could get to know each other, then.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you're annoying, hyung.”

Shinwon's grin only increased. “My, my, you're even colder than I thought. It only makes me like you more!”

“Well, I don't like you at all,” Chansik snapped, heading for the door. “And don't you dare follow me!”

“Maybe some other time,” Shinwon called after him. “I'll let you go just this once!”

What the hell is wrong with him?, Chansik thought furiously. What kind of game is he playing? Does he think these kinds of things are jokes? Right then and there he realized that he hated someone more than Shim Changmin and Jung Yunho combined, and his name was Lee Shinwon.

0o0

But Shinwon's interest in him persisted. They were both focused on their reorganized training in their different vocal groups with Yunho as leader (much to Chansik's resentment), but Chansik could still sense Shinwon watching him when they performed together, an ever present smirk still on his face. Chansik didn't get what Shinwon found so hilarious about him, but it drove him crazy that he was being bullied in such an obnoxious way. He was already bummed out about being placed in a different team from Jaejoong and that Yunho and Changmin still got to perform with him, and Shinwon's constant presence around him did little to lighten his mood.

It only took two weeks of being a part of C&M for Shinwon to live up to his promise to follow him home. Chansik tried to shake him off all the way there, but Shinwon was once again persistent. “It'll be difficult to be best friends if we don't visit each other's houses, right?” he insisted, keeping up just fine with Chansik's quick pace.

“We're not going to be best friends.”

“Why? Is it because you already have Jaejoong hyung?”

Chansik stopped in his tracks. “Jaejoong hyung's not my best friend either.”

Shinwon gave him a pitying look. “So you know that, too. What's wrong with befriending someone else, then? It's not good to be lonely.”

“I'm not lonely.”

“Really? Do you even believe that's true?”

Chansik stared at him. He was right. It was a little unnerving to be figured out so quickly by someone else. He wasn't as lonely anymore. He was happy to have met Jongwoo, Haejin, Chaozhi, Seungmin, and above all Jaejoong, who'd been so similar to him and treated him so kindly. But still a part of him was lost in the woods somewhere, waiting for someone to choose him as first. He wanted that person to be Jaejoong. Badly. But he still couldn't help thinking that Jaejoong had already made his choice and that he wouldn't be changing his mind any time soon, no matter how hard Chansik tried to worm his way in.

“I don't know,” Chansik said flatly, walking forward again. “But if I'm lonely, you're not going to help it.”

“How will you know that unless you let me try?”

After that Shinwon made a point to follow Chansik home whenever their practice got out early. Chansik resisted at first, but after awhile he got used to it. His mother even asked about Shinwon whenever he didn't appear with him after training. Even though Shinwon was the most obnoxious person he'd ever met, there was still something relaxing about it sometimes. He didn't mind having somewhere there with him watching him play video games or flipping through his manhwa, filling his room with idle chatter. There had been so much silence there previously that it felt like there was a hole being filled, and even if it was a difficult person he barely even liked taking that place, it somehow felt better than leaving it as empty as it had always been.

0o0

The atmosphere around you is different today. Chansik studied Jaejoong carefully in light of Shinwon's words. He didn't look any different. His long hair was pinned away from his forehead, and he was out of breath from their dance practice, no different from usual. No, that wasn't quite right. There was definitely a new softness to his smile that hadn't been there the last time they'd seen him. Jaejoong had looked stressed lately since, from what Chansik could gather, they'd been having trouble with one of their friends, but everything seemed sorted out and Jaejoong was in a much better mood. Still, did people smile just like that just for such a reason? The way Jaejoong looked, so pleased and satisfied, made him feel odd. Like he was hungry on one side (but hungry for what?), and jealous on the other. He knew that he wasn't the reason behind that smile, that something or even someone else was.

“-something very good must have happened to make his mood shift so much,” Shinwon was saying. “And... pheromones. Definitely pheromones.”

Jaejoong took a step back, looking a bit nervous. Why was that? What was Shinwon implying? If Jaejoong looked like that, didn't it mean Shinwon was right about whatever he was thinking. “Something good?” Chansik asked, the disjointed feelings in his heart increasing. “What do you mean something good? What have you been doing, Jaejoong hyung?”

Shinwon wrapped his arm around his shoulders and playfully jumped onto him. “Don't worry about it. Just be careful about getting too close. Princess Jaejoong has already been claimed.”

Claimed?, Chansik thought in alarm. What does he mean by claimed? And why does Jaejoong hyung look so freaked out by what Shinwon said?

“S-Shinwon ah,” Jaejoong stammered. “What are you saying?”

“Oh, nothing.”

When Jaejoong left again, Shinwon finally released his grip on Chansik. “What is it you like so much about him, anyways?”

“Who?”

“Jaejoong hyung. I know he's an amazing person and all, but...” Shinwon trailed off, twisting his hair around his finger. “You act like he's the only person worth being around here.”

“And with people like you around, are you really surprised that I feel that way?”

“Heh. Well, I'm not going to say hyung doesn't care about you, but you're still trying to make it up an unclimbable wall.”

“I have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Open your eyes a little bit, then. It won't kill you.”

Shinwon lifted his hand and brought it to Chansik's jaw, touching it gently. He was a naturally touchy person, constantly clinging to Chansik and the others and demanding hugs, but every once in awhile, he'd do something like this, something that was similar but completely different. He always had a happy look on his face, but right now his eyes looked kind of sad. The atmosphere around him is different, too, Chansik realized. Except his isn't a happy one.

“What is it?” Chansik asked. “What's wrong?”

“The same thing that's wrong with you,” he said somberly. “Wanting something that doesn't want to be yours.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing to worry about now.” Shinwon dropped his hand and smiled. “Come on, let's go to the arcade or something. I'll challenge you to DDR again.”

“I'm not going anywhere with you,” Chansik sniffed, though still letting Shinwon take his hand and pull him forward.

“Then stop following me,” Shinwon shot back.

Chansik thought for a second about letting go of his hand, but his fingers remained exactly where they were. Maybe it wasn't so bad to be led around a little. He wasn't doing anything else, anyways. He could let go at any time, he reminded himself. He didn't have to do it now.

0o0

“They're together, you know,” Shinwon said a few weeks later when they were hanging out in Chansik's bedroom. Chansik had been doing his homework, also doing his best to ignore Shinwon dangling off his bed and reading the new volume of One Piece, but he looked up when the unusually quiet Shinwon finally spoke up.

“Who? Do you have a One Piece OTP, or something?”

“A different subject for a different time. I was talking about Yunho hyung and Jaejoong hyung.”

Chansik blinked. “They're together...?”

“As in dating. I thought you knew already since you're always moping around hyung, but apparently not.”

Chansik kept staring at him. Yunho and Jaejoong dating? There was no way, was there? They were close, but that was a different level of closeness altogether. A dangerous level. One they wouldn't go to unless they really did love each other, but Chansik was sure they couldn't to that degree. Didn't Jaejoong always get sad over Yunho? Wasn't Yunho always disregarding him by changing their plans and spending more time at home when he was free than with Jaejoong? Chansik didn't mind because it meant Jaejoong had more time for him, but there was still something disheartening in knowing that Jaejoong's spirits were usually down a little when they hung out together.

Don't fool yourself, a part of him chided. You see the way those two look at each other. Shinwon is right. Even if they aren't together, they probably want to be. It's not fair. It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair.

“H-how do you know?” Chansik finally stammered. “Did hyung tell you himself?”

“Does one really need to be told about something like that when they make it so evident? Honestly, didn't you see how much Yunho hyung flipped out when he read that article about Jaejoong hyung and Soorin noona? That wasn't just leaderly concern. Trust me. You can't fake that kind of thing.”

“There... there must be some mistake,” Chansik insisted, his stomach sinking.

“I'm sorry. I knew you wouldn't like to hear it, but I'm 100% sure it's the truth. I thought it would be better for you to know now so you'd...” He trailed off. “Anyways, that's how it is.”

Something in Chansik's gut felt funny. Yunho and Jaejoong are dating. Did they do everything that entailed? Holding hands, kissing, spending all their time together? Chansik suddenly remembered the time he'd asked Jaejoong out to the concert when Yunho had been in town, and how resistant he'd been. Now I know why. He wanted to be just with Yunho hyung all that time, and I prevented him... He hated it. He hated knowing that Yunho was the only one Jaejoong was thinking of, that every time they were together, it didn't mean as much as when he was together with Yunho. What was so great about Yunho? What did he have that made him worthy of standing by Jaejoong's side?

Why can't it be me?, a small voice in Chansik's head nagged, but he shut it out. It wasn't like that... was it?

“Don't look like that.” Shinwon said softly. “Don't get your heart broken over this.”

“My heart isn't broken,” Chansik snapped. “You don't know anything.”

“I know you. Better than you think.” He slid off the bed and wrapped his arms around Chansik's shoulders, staying there even when Chansik tried to shake him off. “You know someone thinks you're better than Yunho hyung, right?”

“I doubt it.”

“Well, there is someone. Me.”

0o0

Hearing from Jaejoong's own mouth about his relationship with Yunho only made Chansik feel worse. How could he sound so loving speaking about it, like his voice was practically dripping with adoration? He was almost relieved when Shinwon appeared and forced him off to the dinner table, taking his place beside Jaejoong on the snowy porch. He didn't want to hear any more of it. He didn't want to listen to that voice that could only paint Yunho sweetly and beautifully without seeing anyone else as being close to what he was.

Jaejoong and Shinwon stayed out on the porch awhile together before coming back. Chansik wondered what they were talking about. He hoped Shinwon had the good sense to advise Jaejoong against it since Jaejoong would be debuting soon and couldn't afford to have his name attached to anything which the public wouldn't approve of, but good sense and Shinwon rarely went together in the same sentence. Even knowing about Yunho and Jaejoong's relationship in the first place had probably been a lucky guess on his part.

They had the rest of the night off, but Chansik didn't feel like doing anything. Jongwoo and Chaozhi started up a game of cards, but Chansik stayed close to the fire, brooding to himself. He thought for a moment or two that Shinwon looked close to joining him, but he seemed to decide it was better to keep his distance for awhile and left him alone. That bothered Chansik a little. Of course, Shinwon was an annoying person and would probably only make him feel worse, but there was one thing about him that Chansik didn't mind, and that was that Shinwon put him first out of all the members. The fact that even he was staying away now made him feel a little bit lonely, especially knowing that he would never be that first person in Jaejoong's heart now.

He slipped off to bed early, bundling up into his sleeping bag and shutting his eyes tightly. It hurts, he thought, clutching his heart. Why does it hurt so much? He just wanted to go to sleep and not think of anything, but it wasn't coming to him. It was too cold. The space around him was too empty and lonely.

He heard footsteps entering the room, and then someone kneeling down in front of him. It went silent for awhile, but the low sigh he eventually heard was definitely Shinwon's. He got to his feet again, and Chansik could hear him shuffling around for his sleep bag, which he set up right beside Chansik's. Before long, he could feel Shinwon pressing up against him, a small hand reaching up to touch his arm.

“I'm sorry,” he whispered. “I'm so selfish.”

Chansik couldn't say he understood what Shinwon meant by calling himself selfish, but it was strange. Some of his hurt felt like it was going away simply at hearing those words and feeling someone next to him who thought he was worthwhile, even in his own little way.

0o0

Shinwon stepped out of the dressing room and gave a twirl. “So, what do you think?”

Chansik nearly choked. “Your top is sheer.”

“What, are you a prude? It's not like there's anything exciting to see.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Or is there?”

“Shut up! God, what is wrong with you?”

If he was being honest with himself, the only thing wrong with Shinwon was that he looked much too good. His frame was slender and there wasn't all that much to him, but the tight leather pants he was wearing still accentuated the nice length of his legs and his tiny waist. Chansik didn't even want to think about his shirt, which left nothing to the imagination, not that he wanted to imagine to begin with.

They'd been spending even more time together since DBSK debuted and being able to hang out with Jaejoong seemed like a distant memory, but this side of Shinwon was still one he couldn't get used to. He knew Shinwon was vain about his looks and enjoyed dressing in daring, high fashion numbers that exposed his skin, but it wasn't like he usually looked like this when the two of them were hanging out together. He only seemed to do it when he could be the center of attention, which was more likely to happen today. Not when DBSK was around, of course, but during the shoots for the extras, he'd probably do his best. Knowing that the hundreds of people who'd shown up for the shoot would be looking like Shinwon like that disturbed him a little. Shinwon was his groupmate, after all; what if they thought he was some kind of exhibitionist?

“You look good, too,” Shinwon said. “I wouldn't have imagined that the club style would be your thing, but it kind of suits you a little.”

“Why wouldn't it be my thing?” Chansik grumbled.

“Hmm? I don't recall ever going out clubbing with you. We usually have more fun hanging around playing games and stuff.”

“I don't do everything with you.”

“You should!” Shinwon grinned. “And even if you don't, you must come pretty close to it.”

“That's because you follow me around everywhere.”

“That's because you let me.”

The two of them stepped outside onto the set, which was already packed with the other extras. Chansik immediately felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of strangers they'd be into, but Shinwon seemed in his element. He waved at everyone who met his eyes, and threw out compliments left and right. Great dress, noona! Wow, you work that leather even better than me!

“Come on, let's just go find Jongwoo ah,” Chansik muttered.

“Don't you want to mix a little? There are probably a lot of cool amateur dancers and actors here to network with.”

“You know I'm not good at that.”

“Oh, that's ri-”

Shinwon was interrupted by someone calling out his name loudly. Chansik thought it was Jongwoo at first, but the person coming to them was worlds different. In fact, it looked like the person approaching them had made a wrong turn off a fashion runway and had somehow ended up at their filming location by mistake. He was tall and muscular and handsome with smooth black hair that reached to the bottom of his chin and looked just as naturally luscious as Shinwon's. He was also waving at Shinwon and grinning at him widely, which instantly annoyed Chansik for no reason.

“Lee Shinwon? Funny seeing you here.” The model-guy wrapped Shinwon up into a friendly hug, which almost made Chansik start choking. “You're looking good, too. Life been treating you well?”

“Hyungchullie!” Shinwon shrieked excitedly. “It's been years now, hasn't it? I can't believe we haven't kept up!”

“Are you in acting now? I always thought you were more of a singer.”

“I am. I'm actually a trainee at DBSK's label, so that's why I'm appearing in the MV. How about you?”

“Still looking for acting gigs, but this is apparently a good one for now. I heard Sung Dami would be around, but you're a much better find. Come on, let's get up to speed with each other.” He glanced over at Chansik curiously.

“Ah, this is Seo Chansik, one of the other trainees. Chansik, this is Shin Hyungchul. We were classmates in grade school. Wow, I can't believe we ran into each other like this!”

“No kidding. I can't even believe you get to see DBSK regularly, too. You even know Kim Jaejoong?”

“Oh yes, he's a favorite with the trainees,” Shinwon said lightly, glancing at Chansik.

“And it also looks like your hair is as legendary as ever.” Hyungchul reached out to pat Shinwon's head. “Whenever someone compliments me on mine, I always tell them that my childhood friend was a CF star and gave all his free samples to me.”

“Do you have to touch him?” Chansik grumbled.

“Excuse me, did you say something?”

“Nothing. Look, I'm going to find Jongwoo ah.”

“All right,” Shinwon said. “If you need me, I'll just be over here with Hyungchullie. Don't get trampled, all right?”

You could protest a little more, Chansik thought bitterly. Do I have to go back to being second place again now that you've reconnected with your best friend?

For the rest of the shoot, he kept a close watch on the two of them. The way Hyungchul always reached out to touch Shinwon's waist, the way Shinwon laughed, the bright atmosphere around them. It felt a little painful, even more painful than watching Jaejoong standing dispiritedly between Yunho and Dami. Painful and familiar, though he didn't take the moment to try and figure out when was the last time he'd felt this way before. Part of him didn't want to remember or know, because there was a conclusion to this that didn't bear thinking of. Who cares what he does?, he thought crossly. Doesn't matter to me. And never will.

0o0

“What's wrong with you?” Shinwon asked, poking his cheek. “You've been a crabby little baby since the MV. You and Jaejoong hyung both.”

“Don't insult Jaejoong hyung!”

“I wasn't. And sorry, I forgot about your little crush.”

“It's not a crush! And what about you? When are you planning on shutting up about your plans with your new best friend?”

“I wasn't aware I was rambling.”

“You are. And I'm getting sick of it.”

“Does someone need to take their Midol?” Shinwon rolled his eyes. “You're lucky you're so cute when you're like this.”

“That again? I told you to stop calling me cute.”

“Then stop being cute, Chansikkie.”

“Don't call me Chansikkie!”

“Okay, yeobo.”

“Would you ing cut it out?” He crossed his arms over his chest. Things had felt different after the Rising Sun shoot. Hyungchul had programmed his number into Shinwon's phone, and they were always texting each other back and forth during their breaks. Shinwon kept on cracking up over whatever stupid things Hyungchul was telling him, and now they were even planning on going to the spa together after practice. What would happen if Shinwon was around Hyungchul? After finding out about Yunho and Jaejoong, Chansik had the sneaking suspicion that Shinwon was like them and that was how he'd been able to find out about Jaejoong so quickly, but he hadn't assumed Shinwon would get a boyfriend. What if Shinwon and Hyungchul started going out? Where would that leave Chansik, then? Would Shinwon no longer be coming to his house almost every evening? Would they go back to being bandmates and stop being friends?

It doesn't matter, Chansik told himself stubbornly. You didn't want him around in the first place, he just forced himself in. You won't be lonely at all. You'll be free.

He wished it felt that easy, though. The way it felt now was like he was being pushed aside all over again in place of someone else. He'd been in that position once already, and he wasn't ready to be in it again. Better to say it didn't matter than to realize all over again just how much it really did.

0o0

When Chansik made it back from drinking with Jaejoong, he collapsed in his bed and buried his face in his pillow. It smelled like Shinwon's shampoo; even his alcohol breath didn't erase the sweetness of the smell. You should be here, his irrational, drunk mind told him. Make me feel better, you ing idiot, you were the one who made me feel like this to begin with. If you're going to fall in love with someone else, don't make me...

Don't make me what?

Fall in love with you?

Am I in love here?

Is that why this hurts so badly?

He inhaled his pillow again. What was this smell? Kiwi? Watermelon? He wasn't good at these kinds of things, that was Shinwon's thing. Smell this freesia perfume, do you think I should wear it? You smell like a fresh linen candle, have I ever told you that, Chansikkie?

You should be here with me, he thought again. Not with anyone else. Don't make me go through someone I love choosing someone else, I can't do this a second time.

But he remained alone in his bedroom, with only a lingering smell he couldn't put a name to to comfort him. Shinwon was probably out with Hyungchul somewhere, doing god knows what. It shouldn't have mattered to him. There had once been a time when he wouldn't have cared about it in the slightest, but now he couldn't remember why his heart had ever been so dishonest with itself that it thought that this kind of loneliness was survivable.

0o0

The atmosphere around you is different, he thought to himself, looking in the mirror. And it really did feel different. They weren't far from debut now, and he was excited as all the other members. But at the same time, he felt exhausted. After their argument over Hyungchul, he'd done his best to make up with Shinwon if only for the sake of having him around again, but the painful feeling still lingered in his chest whenever he saw him. It hurt to know he was in love with someone else. It hurt to know that if maybe he had realized his feelings a bit quicker, it could have ended differently. It hurt even more to realize that Shinwon was still dutifully making time for him, even though he had a boyfriend and probably wanted to be spending time with him instead.

“You look sad these days, Chansikkie,” Shinwon said to him.

“I'm not, really.”

“Yeah, you are. You're always frowning at me. I would say it's cute, but I actually worried this time.”

“About...?”

“You hating me, maybe.”

“I don't hate you.”

“No, I guess you wouldn't have put up with me this long if you hated me. But I did kind of force myself...”

“I don't hate you,” Chansik repeated.

“But it doesn't make you happy to be around me anymore.”

Chansik shook his head.

Shinwon sighed. “I know you don't like to talk as much I do, but sometimes I wish you would just tell me what's going on in that head of yours.”

I love you. That's what's going on. And you love someone else.

“Is this about Jaejoong and Yunho hyung?”

“No,” Chansik said quietly. “It hasn't been about Jaejoong hyung in awhile now.”

Shinwon looked up at him in surprise. “R-really? Then something else? Someone else?”

Part of him wanted to say the truth right then. But what good would it do? He didn't want to be told 'no' so soon, or to cause a conflict in their group by toying with a member's love life. If Hyungchul broke Shinwon's heart, he'd just have to be there and be better if that was what it took. And break that ing Hyungchul's nose. He didn't want Shinwon to suffer, but he was still looking forward to the moment eagerly.

“I wonder,” he said noncommittally.

“Yeah, and so do I,” Shinwon sighed, rolling over on his bed-- Jaejoong's old bed, Chansik remembered from visiting the dorm when it was still DBSK's. Shinwon had taken it for luck, and told him to take Yunho's. “So we'll be close,” he'd said, probably not knowing how it had made Chansik feel.

Chansik glanced over, looking at it his splayed out form. He didn't look so terribly different from when they'd first met, but his feelings couldn't have been more different. Did love really work like that? Just what was it about him that had made him change his mind?

Shinwon looked at him watching, his lips turning into that slightly smug smile and his head turning to the side so that his caramel bangs fell over his eyes. “You're so cute, Chansikkie,” he said, reaching out to pat his hand. “I'm so lucky to have met you.”

There. That's why.

0o0

The atmosphere around you is different, Chansik thought as he looked at Shinwon. It was and it wasn't. The pleased and self-satisfied look in his eyes was very much him, but Chansik still didn't think he'd ever seen him look that happy. Or felt this happy himself. The atmosphere around us is different, he corrected himself. So very different from where we started.

“Well, are you going to keep staring at me all wide-eyed like that, Chansikkie, or are you going to kiss me?”

“Would you shut up?”

Well, maybe not so different after all.

When I was young, I would stand alone
With visions of worlds that were all my own
The lights in the sky weren't that far away
Living in the vastness of outer space

All my life I've been a star
Holding a light up in the dark
While I try to keep clear
Of all the waves in your atmosphere