Jaejin

                “Hyung, can I talk to you?” Seunghyun exclaims. The other 3 had gone for a date and left us alone at this dorm while they have their perfect time. Seunghyun did even once come out of his room. He keeps talking to his phone and ignores me to the point where I get bored. So I just ‘played’ with the computer at the living room to kill time until he decides to come and talk to me.

                Hearing him calling my name, I direct my attention from the computer screen to him who now stands behind me, giving him my full attention so he can talk and finish whatever he wants to say.

                “I..em..well, so.. I..” nervous, he scratches the back of his head. Realizing his nervousness, I just remained silent not wanting to cut or interrupt what he's trying to say. I pay extra attention to his movements and wait for him finish his sentence. “I-I want you to help me hyung. You know, some advance or something.” He's finally able to finished his sentence.

                This time, my brain doesn’t work like normal. I can’t really get what he's trying to say, so I just furrow my eyebrow with curiosity. “I...There’s someone I love hyung.” He said clearly. So clear just like mount river water that you can see the riverbed and drink the water. So clear like glass, but so sharp so it can easily hurt me. So sharp that it can stab my heart and tear it open.

                “I-I want you to help me with my relationship, hyung. You’re quite good in this kind of things, so I figured maybe you can help me out a bit.” He said while blushing. It’s so cute that it can even make me crazy, if it isn’t about someone else that he loves. I can feel my eyes widen with shock, so I correct my expression quickly – I don’t want him to realize it.

                It shocked me. It hurts me seeing Seunghyun blushing when he confessed his love toward someone else to me. All this while, I've been imagining him by my side smiling happily. Dream, that I can make him mine and help him get his happiness. But when the time comes to how he feels, just why must it be towards someone else instead of me?

                I don’t want to help him and since I don’t have any obligation to, I don’t have to. The truth is I don’t want to see him with someone that’s not me. But, I still want to see him smile. I want him to find his happiness.

                My selfish side wants him be only mine, monopolize him and never give him up to others. Even if I have to force him, I’ll do it. I’ll do everything to make him mine and I know I can do it. But my other side just can’t do that. Maybe he’ll be mine. Maybe I can make him stay by my side, but will he be happy with that? I just can’t take the risk if it means I can’t see his smile anymore. I’ll choose to step back. I’ll help him with all I can do, even if it means it’s the end for me and him (not like anything had started though).

                “Okay. I’ll help you.” My heart hurts, but I had made my resolve. I want him to be happy more than anything. I want him happy, even if it means enduring my broken heart.  That’s how I shall love him - support him from behind. Help him whenever he needs it and stay by his side whenever he needs someone.

                “So, who is this lucky girl, Seunghyun?” The computer already shut down and we move to the couch, sitting side by side. Seunghyun sits sideway while I, with one leg up on the couch, sit facing him.

                “Actually, it’s not a girl hyung.” He said. “Male, not female.” He clarifies shyly.

                Ok great, so all this time, my rival was not a girl but a guy? That means I actually had a chance… but I missed it. Oh, maybe I still have a chance. If, it’s just if, if Seunghyun gets rejected later, which would probably also mean that the person is damn stupid to reject my lovely Seunghyun and I can step forward to start fight for him - make him mine. Just the thought of him being mine, already cheers me up and brings my smile back to my face.

                “So, you want to confess your feeling? Does he have the same interest as you? I mean, an orientation, with men?” I asked him tactfully..

                Confused, he raised his eyebrow and thinks. “I don’t know hyung.” He says. “He has dated some girls before but he’s single. He has many guys and girls as friends, but no one has special relationship with him. But, I guess he doesn’t have any problem with that - some of his friends are gay.”

                “I asked you one simple question yet you answered it so long.” I said a bit piss off. You can’t blame me. It’s a natural occurrence when you hear the person you love talk so happily about someone else that he loves. It’s human. But, he looks like he doesn’t even realize it. He just smile stupidly which makes me sigh.

                I change my expression to a really serious one, which makes him straighten his back. “Seunghyun, do I know him?” I venture to ask, hoping that he will say no. Say it’s not one of my friends. Please, say it’s not someone I know. It will be easier if I don’t know who he is.

                Seunghyun expression changed. After thinking it for a moment, he opens his mouth. But just before his voice come out, Jonghoon and Hongki comeback noisily - successfully cutting our conversation.

                Jonghoon is the first one to enter with annoyed face. “What are you two doing there?” Jonghoon asked, seeing our serious conversation.

                “It’s nothing.” Immediately Seunghyun stands and walk to his room without saying anything to me. Jonghoon then just follow what Seunghyun did and go to his own room. When Hongki enters the living room a few seconds later, he slams his door with loud sound, making Hongki sigh.

                “What is it now?” I asked lazily. Not really wanting to ask, I turn on the TV.

                “Don’t worry, he just got jealous.” He sighs.. “What were you and Seunghyun discussing about before? You two looked a bit scary.”

                “It’s nothing” I copy what Seunghyun said before.

                “It doesn’t look like nothing to me. Did you two fight?”

                “Why would I have a fight with him?” Nervous being asked, I exclaim with high tone accidentally.

                “YAH, LEE JAEJIN! Don’t talk to your hyung like that!” Pissed of, Hongki rebukes me.

                “Sorry hyung, I-I didn’t mean to do that. I guess I’m too tired.” I apologize. “I will rest now.” With that, I walk to my own room. When I reach my door, I stop and turn back to Hongki-hyung. ”I guess you better apologize to Jonghoon-hyung. Looking from previous experiences, it must’ve been your behaviour which made him angry.”

                “Lee Jaejin..!!!” with Hongki”s loud voice, I close my door.