It’s not right. Even had him here in FT Island dorm is already not right. All of the sudden in busy schedule he and I had, come to our dorm, I knew there’s something wrong. My feeling screaming something bad will happen, but I just couldn’t ask him. Too scare to ask him.

                Hongki-hyung and Jonghoon-hyung are out for their Chocoball meeting. It’s just we the maknaes here when he comes. Minhwan open the door for him and just lead him to our living room before call me on my share room with meaningful smile. As Minhwan is playing video game with Jaejin, I take him to my share room where he dropped all his fake smile.

                I lay my head on his lap and playing with his long fingers. Learn his callous because of playing guitar like it’s the most fun things to do while he just looking on the wall in a deep thought. It's a long silent till he opens his mouth and says something. Very slow and quite till its sounds like a whisper, but still, I could hear him perfectly. “What do you think about our relation Hyunnie?” he asked not even looked to me. His eyes just stick to the wall in front of him like he talked to the wall instead of me. With that, I stop playing with his fingers and looking right to him from his lap.

                It’s his first sentences after almost a hour he here, in my bedroom. His face looks serious, tense and…sad? Its make me more afraid now. I don’t want to think what the next thing he’ll say.

                He opened his mouth again when he still not heard any answers from me. “It’s perfect.” I cut him before he could say a word. Said it with cheer tone in intention to change the mood. “Oh, even, I have an idea about change our dorm so we can live near each other. I had asked manager-hyung, he said it’s not a bad idea since its can make a good image for us too. Have a good relation with CN Blue I mean.” I continued. Pretend to be blur with the conversation in hope can avoid the serious conversation he made.

                He exhale a deep sigh that brush my hope. “You realize it don’t you?” he said quietly. “We’re getting busy time by time. More work has to done and we don’t have time for each other. Even we had a same company, we still rarely meet.” I want to stop his word. Every word he said make my heart beat fast in pain. I can feel fear gone to me as he told me what on his mind.

                “Do you think it's okay to continue it like that?” he said it. He starts question our relationship. Just when I patiently wait our next meeting, he just questions our relationship? Think that I can’t handle anything that comes to blow it? “We’ll get busier after this. It’s will hard for us to meet, even maybe impossible. Call will be rarely and worry will be blow up. Your mind will be apart. Is it okay for you?”

                ‘Stop…please stop it. It’s hurt. It’s really hurt. I know your goal already, so please stop.’

                I want to say some thing, but I can’t let out any voice. It's feel like my throat just don’t cooperate with me, so instead of saying something, I just keep silent with eye glue on him. Let him continue his every sentence to roll down from his lips. The beautiful lips that always kiss me gently, but now brush out a pain to me.

                “If we keep continue this, you’ll hurt. Both of us will hurt. I don’t want to hurt you Hyunnie.” Guide me to sit beside him, he stare at my eyes in seriousness. I can feel tears flooding on my eyes, dangerously to fall.

                Pull me closer, he then kiss my forehead and hug me tight. “I love you Seunghyunnie. I really love you. Never there's a doubt on it, but… I can’t choose. You and the music are very important to me. I think I can handle it as long as I’m trying hard. I think everything will be okay as long as I do my best. I think I can get both.” He said frustration showing his heart. “Did I too greedy? Maybe I’m too greedy. Now I know I’m wrong. I just realize it when things turn to be like this. I can’t keep you by my side if I know exactly I will hurt you. But you know I can't leave them too. My band is my identity. It’s killing me thinking of you every times I broke my promise. It’s hurt me every times I see you pushing too hard just to see me. It’s broke me every times I see you sleep so tired because of your job and me. I never want you to hurt. I want to keep you on top so you’ll never get hurt. But in the end, I was the one that hurt you.”

                Long with his true feeling my tears fall. All this time, he hurting inside but pretend to be nothing bothered him. I’m the one who too blinded to see it. What boyfriend am I? Just thinking of myself and being selfish without think how he feel. Think that I’m the one who trying but the truth is he is the one who trying harder. If there’s any second chance. Just if he gives me another chance, I’m sure I can pass trough this wave.

                Wipe my tears away, I pull apart from his embraced. I’m trying my best to look at him without fall any tears again. His expression explained his feeling. How bad he felt with his decision, how hurt he felt toward it.

                It’s not fair. After see him like this, how can I say now? How can I beg him another chance when he so broken like this? When I know it’ll affect his career too. His band, his life, his love toward the music that I felt too. His feeling, I can feel it. I understand him like he’s part of me. We understand each other like it’s just our own self.

                I nod with my last power. Seems like my power just gone and it’s just about the time for my soul. “Can we have a date?” I asked in very low voice. “A last date. Can I have it?” I asked again with a bit louder but still look like a whisper. “At least for our last moment, I want it to be a good one.”

                “Of course…of course Seunghyun.” He said slightly nod his head. I can see tears fall from his right eye when he hurry turn his face and wipe away his own tears before turn back to me and cup my face.

                “I love you Hyunnie.” He said and kissed my forehead. “I love you so much.” Then kiss my lips tenderly. I can feel my tears roll down from my eyes, but I don’t care any more. I just want to kiss him back till I can’t breathe and die after that…