The kiss? No. That never happened. She'll come up with a hundred more excuses to pretend that never happened. Maybe a thousand more too. But Taeyeon knows she's overreacting, she has to be–right?

It's those cliche like movies–dramas.

No. She's not sure.

Her ears still ring, the huge wash of alcohol still lingering faint at the tip of her nose. One side yells at her to run away, trailing excuses behind as the escape route, but the other half pulls her by her collar back to where she started.

Last night.

She tries not to remember, talk, think about it in any way possible. It up to her in disgust, absorbing all the bad things to forget about all the good things.

Something hits though, more less a click in her head like the repetitious ticking of the clock. "You shouldn't have–you shouldn't–shouldn't have–you–"  The faint voice beckons her to dig a deeper hole in her anxiety, fighting away the bravery she once had to knock on Jessica's front door.

To what's all gone now.

They seem like absolute lies to Taeyeon no matter how many times she tries to convince herself it's alright. Or whether she's alright.

Truthfully, nothing feels right.

One moment she wonders how long she's able to bury herself in sleep and never wake up. Then hours later the kaleidoscope of butterflies appear, fluttering all these emotions at once. It's in her, she can already feel the horrendous outcome, affect, problems, and more problems piling by the second. They’re playing with her.

Taeyeon tumbles upon a pair of worn out sneakers placed by the door, ready to head out. Her keys settle on a rack, jacket hangs on over in the closet and her phone is desperately clutched in her hand. Her unconscious mind must've thought it was okay, ignoring the fact that her undoubtful fear had already began to palpitate throughout her blood. She shuffles back and forth beside the door, picking up her varsity jacket first, letting the firm piece clothing tug loose at her small frame. She manages to pick up the keys behind her, rattling them metallic things with the bounded ring, keeping them all together. The shoes sitting by the door caught her stuck in between choices, hesitant of her decision.

Should she go?

Should she stay?

Taeyeon stood vacant in thought for a moment as she habitually twirls the keys in her hand. “Oh my god, what's wrong with me. Why am I–” Taeyeon strongly taps the sides of her face, a way of waking herself up. She throws her head back in a groan, her face buried in her hands. Not much of a choice is left and Taeyeon’s hand is already reached over to doorknob.

She guesses it’s too late anyway.

She steps outside to a cold winter breeze. Immediate regret flourishes throughout her expression, but she continued with the thought of moving forward.

With a blink of an eye, the front of Jessica’s house penetrated into Taeyeon’s sight. A curled up fist was also made onto the cold surface of the door and she wondered how it ended up there.

Without a second to think, the front door clicks open, a pair of sharp feline like eyes flickering in a fiery spark. “Who are you?” The girl’s eyes scatter up and down, feasting upon the sight. “Hey, I asked you something,” she snaps.

Taeyeon stares unknowingly, creasing her eyebrows significantly. “Oh...I’m looking for Jessica?”

“Jessi...ca?” The girl trails off slowly before picking up quick again. “My sister? You want to see my sister?”

“Sister?–oh you must be Krystal,” Taeyeon blurts in conclusion. “I finally get to meet you. I'm–I'm Taeyeon, Jessica’s friend.”

Shifting in slight hesitance she bows a little. “Hi, nice to meet you too I guess.”

“So. Um, about your sister, is she home?”

Krystal turns her head, looking back inside. “No, but she'll be back soon.”

“How soon?”

She looks down at her phone with a pause. “...soon.”

The door closes after that, clicking with a swift lock. And Taeyeon’s left alone in a soft silence with the passing of cars every so often down the street. “She didn't even ask if I wanted to wait inside.” She shivers against the light winter cold that's swept by in an airy brush. Her chin dips into her varsity jacket, the fabric pulled close together.

Maybe that'll keep her warm–just for a little while.

Taeyeon didn't know if she should call herself lucky. Stuck outside in midwinter. Given a harsh cold shoulder by a fairly younger girl. Spiraled into a relationship with a new friend. . Wow. Taeyeon groans aloud and ruffles up her hair in frustration. She didn't feel ready yet, but it was too late to turn back when Jessica’s car drove in the driveway. And there Taeyeon could spot Jessica’s eyes in utter confusion and shock.

It wasn't going to be a pleasant ride.

“Taeyeon?” Confusion battles in Jessica’s words as she fought the urge to drive away.

“Um, hey...Jessica.”

“He–hey,” it comes out static.

“So…”

“Yeah?”

“I–I–”

"–I don't think this is how things are supposed to go," Jessica painfully admits, running a hand through her hair.

“Then how are things supposed to go?” Taeyeon coincides with a fiddle of the buttons on her jacket. “Was it supposed be something else you were thinking?”

“...no,” Jessica coughs out, “no–that's not what I meant.”

Taeyeon takes in a breath, heaving out a quiet sigh. She her lips wet, averting her eyes away. “Then, what?” It’s always been like that. Always been for Taeyeon to quickly admit defeat. Her weak meek voice slithering light and delicate, uttering words of disappointment. “What is it that you want me to say?”

There's deep pause in between, eyes unable to meet halfway. “Nothing,” Jessica finally breathes, “nothing. I want you to say exactly nothing.”

“Nothing,” Taeyeon repeats, “you really don't want me to say anything about this?”

She presses her lips into a thin line, letting the little light in her eyes tinge in a slight spark. “Exactly.”

“I–you…” Taeyeon starts to fumble with her words, unable to catch herself slipping in between the cracks. Unable to catch the voices telling her scream and fight her way. She doesn't hear a word. Not a single breath.

“Taeyeon.”

“How can you–”

“Taeye–”

“–not be bothered by what happened?!”

It comes out a little too loud. A little too angry, and a little too desperate. Something inside her starts to dwell in regret and in guilt. It ponders in her thought for moment if she should've taken back what she had said or continued to spew out the truth. An apology starts creeping up in , but she realizes there was nothing to be sorry for.

None of this was her fault.

Her eyes catch Jessica’s body stiffen in reaction.

Maybe it was her fault.

Then Jessica’s voice comes in slick and vibrant. “I'm sorry.” The few remnants of the words erupt Taeyeon’s current thought as the apology steers her off course. “I'm so sorry.”

A chill cascades down her spine and her eyes soften immensely from before. “No. No, no, why are you apologizing? All I wanted ask if feel nothing of me.”

“No that's not it either. I'm apologizing because–well because of everything that happened? Everything that I did that night? It's just,” Jessica sighs, “everything feels so disjointed and awkward and unreal. I just wished we didn't run away from each other.”

Taeyeon's shoes roughly slide against the concrete. “But that's what people do. Like all I was thinking about was what would happen next. Would I go back talking to you like before, or would I be talking to another whole person. It's been so stressful thinking about this moment.”

There’s a bitter chuckle at the other end. “Do you think that's why we never had the guts to talk to each other.”

“Yeah, I think so,” Taeyeon croaks out.

“I've been so stupid.”

“We’ve been so stupid.”

“Y’know, problems like these don't get solved easily. It becomes so awkward between the two people when these things happen. It leads to so much,” she waves her hands in the air, “drama. So do you think it's because we're on the same page.” Jessica stops herself, trying to catch a glimpse Taeyeon’s eyes before she blinks away.  

Hefty silence pauses in between them heavily and Taeyeon fumbles even more with the buttons on her jacket, unable to contain the moment. But Taeyeon finally responds, “I'm pretty sure we're on the same page–we were both scared I think.”

“But scared of what? What do you think we were actually scared of?”

“You know,” Taeyeon mutters, “rejection.” She hoped somewhat Jessica didn't catch the last word, but Jessica did. And a spark of determination fills up in her eyes.

"We could try this, right? Me and you."

It wasn't a question of what this was, there was a mutual understanding between them now. Something they could both agree on.

Taking in a shaky breath of air, Taeyeon's eyes flicker up anxiously.

"We could," Taeyeon whispers, "yeah, we could."

—

i don't know what's happening?!?!

but i’m back (sorry for the long hiatus and thank you for the wait.)

unedited.