[CONTENTID2] CHAPTER 4 [/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID1]

Let’s just say after my last appointment with Kris, my life suddenly becomes harder, again. Before my last appointment, I started to feel positive about the whole therapy and breathing has become so much easier. Then suddenly, Kris is not being the usual Kris and I suddenly lost my confidence.

Well, I don’t really know the usual Kris since I don’t meet him on daily basis but I still feel wronged that he acted that way. It’s like he is trying to put me down or something and that’s not something a therapist should to his or her patient.

Tomorrow is my next appointment with Kris and I haven’t really done anything on the list.

Few days ago, I dropped my pen and I already intended to ignore that pen forever after but Eunji saw it. She picks it up and passes it to me. Even with her wide and bright smile, I still can see the dirty traces from the floor and from her hand all over my pen. I put down the pen onto my desk, had a staring contest with it before I finally caved in and aggressively rubbed disinfectant liquid all over my pen then washed my hands which resulting my dried scars peeled again and bled slightly.

Yesterday, I accidentally left my notebook on Do Kyungsoo’s desk. He kindly returned the notebook to me saying that he didn’t touch the notebook directly. I thanked him and took the notebook from him. I settled the notebook on my desk, ended up having another intense staring contest which led me to intensive disinfecting, desk wiping, and hand washing. I’ve never felt so guilty in my life, not only to myself but to Do Kyungsoo as well. He was an angel sent from above and I didn’t trust him.

Oh, but that’s not all.

Earlier today, Park Chanyeol dropped by my office, brightening my whole office with his intense all-teeth smile. I thought that it was my chance to do the second thing on the list. We chatted for a bit; about last night’s football match (which I fell asleep halfway through), the weather, and something about hanging out this weekend. I refused to join the ‘hang out’ and he didn’t give me his usual frown instead he gave me an understanding nod. He reached out to me, intending to give my shoulder a light, friendly pat but then I suddenly I had a coughing fit.

He panicked, of course. I told him between my coughing fit to stay away. I managed to calm myself down by breathing slowly, imagining that Kris was there besides me, crooning ‘breathe, Junmyeon, breathe’ and ‘that’s it, just like that, you’re doing great’. It was pathetic. I apologized to Chanyeol and he shrugged it off ever so casually before he exited my office.

I am beginning to deduce that somehow everything in my life right now suddenly depended on Kris’ reaction and opinion. At first, I refuse to wrap my head around this conclusion but after being in denial for three days, I finally gave in. I don’t know why and how and I don’t think I want to know why and how.

My first impression of him was dead accurate; he is the kind of person that would flip my world upside down.

The worst thing is: I am more than willing to let him do that.

+++

“Good evening, Junmyeon. How are you?” he asks when I sit across him.

I am not good at all, I’ve been regressing and it’s all because of you, I wanted to yell. I figured that would be very childish and hysteric so I answered him with a plai