[CONTENTID2] CHAPTER 15 [/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID1]

I am flipping through the pages of my notebook then I stumble upon my list. The ten things Kris told me to write down on my first session with him. I realized that I’ve done most of the things I wrote with Kris but I still can’t do it by myself. Few days ago, I went to a coffee shop and ordered myself a cup of coffee but I couldn’t bring myself to drink from the cup. This made me think that I may have become dependent to Kris.

Too dependent.

Doctor Im once told me that once I can find something that triggers my phobia, I will be able to find the tenth thing to write and if I managed to write and do the tenth thing, Kris said I will be cured. I tap the tip of my pen on the page.

Don’t touch me you dirty child!

I immediately shiver at the memory of that person’s voice. The way that person cried out those words broke my heart and it still breaks my heart. Somehow, that person’s voice was burned to the back of my head and no matter what I do, it’ll never go away. My past is an ugly scar I’ve managed to hide from Kris so far.

I almost told Doctor Im about that person but I couldn’t make the words roll out of my mouth. Doctor Im told me that I can tell her when I am ready.

I think I am ready.

+++

“You’re planning to go to Guangzhou?” I raise my eyes from my tea.

Kris gives me a nod as he swallows his food.

“For Spring Festival,”

I just remembered that Kris is a Chinese descendant and Spring Festival is the most important holiday for them.

“My parents won’t stop nagging,” he grins sheepishly. “I haven’t come home for three years. Money’s been tight,”

I nod understandingly. I pick up my cup and sip the tea carefully.

“Mhm. When is your flight?”
“Hm, next Monday. Would you like to come?” he nonchalantly adds.

And suddenly, I forget how to properly swallow my tea. A violent cough and drips of tea escaped my mouth and nose. Kris stands up from his place and rubs my back gently in attempt to sooth the chains of horrifying coughs escaping from my throat. My eyes start to water and I can feel uncomfortably ache starting to creep from base of my chest up to the bridge of my nose.

Kris keeps muttering apology but I can see a hint of smile lingering on the corner of his lips. I hate him. He passes me his handkerchief which I politely decline. Kris is wearing a wicked smile. Have I mentioned I hate him?

“I am sorry—,”
“No, you’re not,” I snap.

He immediately drops his wicked smile and I enjoyed the way his smile slipped off of his lips. I furiously dab my mouth and chin with my handkerchief.

“I am serious though. I would be happy if you’re coming with me,” he looks at me, his eyes widen in a childlike manner, feigning innocence.

I roll my eyes at him and finish my tea.

“I just thought that it would be nice if you can meet my parents and I can meet yours for Chuseok,” he pouts.

The mention of my parents makes my stomach unpleasantly churns. If Kris meets my parents, he’d be disgusted and ran away from me. I certainly don’t want that to happen. I shift uncomfortably in my seat, trying to come up with something to steer him away from family conversation. The upper row of my teeth sunk into my lower lip as I fail to come up with something to steer this conversation from my parents.

Unexpectedly, Kris reaches out and takes my hand into his. The pad of his thumb rubbing idly the expanse of my dry skin and sudden sense of calmness slowly fills my veins. I flash him a soft smile.

“Or we can always slow down,”

I am forever grateful for Kris’ patience and understanding. Deep down, I am horrified to no end because I know if he ever finds out about my past, he’d turn away from me.

+++

Doctor Im redecorated her office. Her office looks cozier but somehow still maintains its professionalism. She still has the same warm and welcoming smile. I rest my back on the couch, inhaling deeply.

“Remember, Junmyeon, don’t push yourself too hard,”
“Okay…”
“Alright, whenever you are ready,”

+++

18 years ago.

“Ahra, can you explain what on earth this is?” the man asked, there’s an undertone of anger on the edge of his voice.

He is holding up an opened envelope. Ahra’s shoulders immediately tensed, fear has blanched her delicate features. She placed her handbag on the counter and slowly approached her husband.

“Hyunseob, I—,” she choked.
“This test result is saying that Junmyeon is not my child,”

The way he recited his words