I don't think I know where to start this story—Torn between lying or telling you the truth, I'm actually quite afraid of what you'll think of me. I'm not someone who is perfect, I don't have perfect hair, and nor do I have perfect skin. I'm full of flaws—I'm just a regular human being, or maybe even worse.

      Let me just start with this; In life, there are moments we wish we could go back and change something we did. Though it's highly impossible, what if we could? Would you do it? I'm sure I would.

      Every day, I found myself looking outside my window with a solemn expression (that probably even I couldn't read), observing. Apart from the many other eyes that just let nature pass by, I experienced the harsh Autumn rolling in. I saw that the once rich, green tree leaves turned orange and brown—All I could do was watch as they were being picked off the branches by the wind and being thrown onto the cold grounds ever so softly, only to reach their deaths.

      Wrapping my thin blanket around me as I curled my dry feet towards my body, I attempted to warm myself up. But it was just highly impossible for me to do something like that. I lived alone. No parents, no sisters, no brothers, and not even a cat or dog.

      Giving up, I shook off the old blanket and tip-toed across my rough, beige carpet that seemed to be collecting my stray brown hairs. Okay, okay, I must admit, I didn't clean my apartment for about two months. If you took a look at my bedroom, you would see that there were books and clothes thrown everywhere and in the kitchen, week-old dishes lay silently on top of each other, just waiting to be washed.

      I brought my stove to a high-heat and pushed away the pots that were infested with bugs who seemed to be feasting on whatever I may have left for them to eat. Honestly, I used to have a g

reat fear of bugs but they've been around for so long that it doesn't seem like they're anything disgusting. Odd, I know. Reaching upwards into my sliding cupboards, I searched for a pack of green tea but in the end was rejected by its great luxury and was left with an empty box.

      Once again, I gave up, turned off my stove, and prepared myself to go out. I took a pair of jeans that were just laying in my living room and smelled it to see if they wearable—Luckily it didn't reek of anything strange. I honestly don't know when I became like this but who knows, maybe I've always been this way.

      Reaching for a scarf tucked behind my small, green and cottoned couch, I noticed that even my security alarm wasn't working. It didn't even occur to me that something like a trusted security could be broken, so out of complete agitation, I tore it off the wall with all my strength and threw it across the room.

      Huffing, I tried to pick my body off the floor, thinking that I must have looked so pathetic. But I was fed up with what life offered me. As I began to wallow in self-pity, I rolled my sleeves upwards to reveal the painful scars that seemed to be a little raw from a recent session. They weren't anything to be proud of, especially for someone at the age of 22.

      This sort of depression state was the type to keep you locked in your own room, covers up to the top of your head, and have your brain flowing with many negative thoughts. Though I did let it get to me every now and then, I knew that being outside was better, that's why I made an effort to always go leave for the majority of the day.

      If I didn't do that, I would have already died and unable to tell you this story.

      With some broken puzzle pieces still glued to my stained carpets, I dragged myself out the door, shutting it harshly behind me. That dark, empty hallway had no idea what type of person was about to walk through and leave their history. I felt sorry for it.

      Wiping away my tears, I put on the most expensive thing I owned, my black and gold-studded snap-back. I slid it backwards down my unwashed hair so that you could see it's tightening band and prepared myself for the deadly winds of Autumn.

      Where was I going, you ask? Even I didn't know. Everyday was a constant "go with the flow" theme and that's what I would always stick to. No matter what was thrown at me, I would surely adapt to it and yet, I was still stuck in my past. Oh, the irony.

      I passed a few elevators on my floor and finally came to the emergency exit. There were two reasons why I didn't take the elevator, one was because I only lived on the tenth floor and the other was because I had always been afraid of them. If you're wondering, I never had an incident where I was trapped or anything like that, but I was afraid of what would happen if I were to step into one. Would it stop? Would the wires break, leaving me to be crushed by its weight? Would I meet a ghosts waiting to take my body and live as me? There were just too many fears I had, so I avoided taking the elevator at all costs. Plus, taking the stairs wasn't too bad.

      When I finally reached the lobby, I greeted my landlord with a half-assed bow and walked out. I felt bad but it had already been done, and I was still agitated. Even if it was just a little, I needed to get as far away from the apartment as possible. It was almost as if it was drawing me back into my cold and lonely room and I definitely didn't need that.

      For about three years and seven months now, I've been alone like this. So, I guess that's when the depression started getting worse. I was mainly talking to myself on a daily basis and no, I was not crazy. Just alone.

      Stepping along the sidewalks of the familiar area, I looked for things to do. Whether it was eating or taking a stroll in the park, I searched and when I couldn't find anything that caught my interest, I decided to go further away and venture into the Hongdae section of Seoul.

      There was always so much life there, and even though I still felt just as depressed as I would in my room, I felt alive.

      All around, there was always someone performing; hip-hop music, indie bands, or even the break dancing crews, there would always be something going on. As I walked through the lively street, I noticed that I may have been the only one walking alone. From the left side of me, there was a group of blind dates who wanted to go karaoke together and to the right, were lovely couples and some were even married already. In front and behind, people walked happily with their friends as they made, what they thought was hilarious, jokes. All of a sudden, I wanted to run away and hide.

      I found a random ice cream shop and rushed into it. Upon finding somewhere to catch my breath, I hid in a corner seat and turned my face towards the ink-scribbled, white walls. The shop was really decorated and its walls were full of past customer's signatures. As I scanned over the names, I thought about writing my own but I paused for a moment, unable to remember what my own name was.

      Suddenly, I felt eyes and fingers pointing at me, saying, "What a strange person," so, I hid my face once more. I did act strange, even I knew that. It couldn't be helped though, such judgement could be seen in their eyes, and I was afraid.

      After a few minutes of basically hyperventilating to myself, I finally lifted my head, only to be surprised by someone so much taller than me, arching his body down towards my face. Before I could think or try to run away, the man gently laid his big hand on my back and looked at me with a concerned expression;

      "Are you okay?"

      Without speaking, I nodded and tried to avoid his intent stare. His big eyes were full of worry when they didn't need to be and that's what made me afraid. What did he want? Did he want to drag me off into human trafficking and sell me? I had such vulgar thoughts like that towards him and even for that, I felt sorry.

      "You look cold."he pointed towards the menu, "Do you want something?"

      "This is an ice-cream shop," I mumbled but only to be once more surprised by his good hearing.

      "They also sell hot foods and drinks. So, yes?"

      Reluctantly, I nodded. All I thought about was making him leave faster so I could have room to breathe. Plus, all those eyes that I tried so hard to make turn away, were already back in my direction. They complimented the man for being so kind and pitied me, saying, "She must have not eaten for days." It was technically true. I only remembered drinking tea.. How did I survive?

      When he finally came back, I noticed we were the only two left in the shop because everyone had eaten and exited the place. I was a bit more comfortable that way but when I looked into his strong gaze, I still felt petrified. Looking off into a different direction to try and avoid him, I saw that his jumper was lined with black and white tribal print and underneath was a plain white collar shirt. He dressed so well and I sort of envied the man because I sat there with old jeans and just a big sweater with a crusty scarf.

      "It's only been a few years," his low voice leaked out of his innocent face, "I can't believe you don't recognize me."

      Confused, I peered at him while reaching for what he ordered me but only to be displeased that he yanked it away teasingly. He smiled at me, making his rather plump lips form into a heart shape that showed his perfect teeth;

      "First, I want you to say my name."

      I shook my head.

      "Come on, don't play jokes with me. You really don't remember me?"

      He sounded desperate so, I took the moment and searched through my half-empty memory bank and found that I didn't have any recollection of him. Cause I felt bad, I thought to lie to him but slowly, I rocked my head from side to side and stared blankly at my frozen fingers. It was the first time I noticed that they were very dry.

      Displeased, he rested his squishy cheek onto the back of tender his hand and I could feel his brown eyes on me, "Do KyungSoo."

      The name alone had my heart jumping out of its cage and I was finally jolted upwards, letting our eyes meet. As if an arrow shot through all my feelings and found the one I tucked away for so long, my heart beat faster and painfully. But many things happened and I lost contact with everyone.. plus, I couldn't even remember my own name.

      "Remember me now?" he smiled affably while handing me the warm order, "We always used to hang out."

      "Right.." I said slowly, still trying to collect our old memories from the trash bin in my mind, "I remember."

      "So, what are you up to these days?"

      Not wanting to converse anymore, I got to my feet, bowed at a ninety-degree angle and left quickly. I didn't want to talk to anyone, especially not KyungSoo. He remembered that we were once friends and that we hung out all the time but I seemed to only remember pain.

      "Wait!" he ran after me, "Are you late somewhere? I can take you!"

      "No, thank you!"

      For the first time in three years, I heard my loud voice and became so astounded that tears fell down my face. I felt so embarrassed but I couldn't help it. I recalled thinking that I was mute, but there it was, my voice that I had missed so dearly. It was loud, proud, and stern.

      Putting my escape plan on pause, I walked into an alleyway and crouched towards the brick walls of a building. There, I bawled my eyes out because just hearing my voice, made me feel alive. I remember saying to myself, "Not even the lively Hongdae streets can make me feel so alive ever again."

      KyungSoo came into the alley and crouched down right next to me and shielded me from the unwanted attention I was receiving. He didn't wine or get agitated, KyungSoo simply let me cry until I felt that I had cried out all of my tear supply.

      As I sat there crying, having KyungSoo by my side seemed to make me feel better. The feeling of having him here was just very familiar, to the point where our memories came pouring into my closed lids. I finally figured out why he was so concerned;

      This wasn't because he like me or anything like that, KyungSoo was always nice. Even though he may have been the most popular kid during our high school times, he never did anything bad to others and no one did anything bad to him. I remembered that he would pick me off the ground after I had just gotten bullied and dusted away at my plain white and blue uniform. KyungSoo was never disgusted by my appearance or even the fact that I was alive. When he heard those girls talking behind my back, he bravely came up to me and conversed. I remembered his words so clearly, "Don't let them do that to you," he said, "Fight back."

      I cried a little more because I felt sorry for thinking he was such a bad person when, actually, he was more than just the rough, cool kid—He was kind. When I finally came to, I realized that he was still there, blocking me and unmoving;

      "What's wrong?"

      After hearing his deep voice in the quiet alley, I had completely calmed down. I stood up and met him eye to eye, almost no longer afraid of his gaze;

      "Thank you," I said as my voice cracked, "For being so kind.. just like before."

      He made that one-sided smile of his and pat me on the head with his big hand, "Don't worry about it."

      I became shocked under his tender touch but it wasn't bad, it felt reassuring. Like he was telling me that I would be okay from now on. I let the corners of my lips flow up towards my eyes, revealing my hidden smile and put my hand on top of his;

      "What's my name?"

      KyungSoo gave me his sweetest heart-shaped smile and leaned, staring into my eyes, "강하늘, Kang HaNeul."