Huh?  Where is she?  No matter where I search, she is not amongst the group after the campfire song has ended.

Then, I see the guy that she is with today.

Swallowing down my pride, I walk up to him and ask, “Hey, where’s Gayeon?”

“Oh hey, Mr. Park!” He greets me excitedly.  Then, catching me off guard all of a sudden, he pulls me into a hug.

He lets go of the rather unexpected gesture before I get the chance to push him off.

“Nice to meet you!  My name is Seo Kangjoon.”  He introduces with a few overdramatic hand gestures.  His breath doesn’t reek from the alcohol, which is only a bottle of beer, provided by this camp trip’s organizer, but his face is already beef red.  He’s drunk already?

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I mutter.  I hold on his shoulders until he becomes steady in his steps.  Now that he stops in track, I ask again, “So where’s Gayeon?”

“Who?”  He’s so out of it.  “Oh, my superstar performer!  Oh yea, where is she…?”

“What?!  Didn’t you come here with her?”

“Yea, so?” He shrugs.  “Maybe she’s tired and went to sleep.  She’s old enough—”

I push past him and hurry back to our room.

I pause in front of the door to catch my breath first before opening it.

No one is here.  If she isn’t here, then where could she be?

I clench in a fist and kick at the door in frustration.  “God damn it!” I curse at the nothingness in front of me.

“Are you okay…?”

I turn around and my shoulders relax at the sight of her.  I would have pulled her into my embrace if I have forgotten all about how she has ran away from me this afternoon.

“I hate you.”  Her eyes were glazed with spite.

I still couldn’t shake the memory away.  I can’t risk messing up this time.

“I’m going to sleep.”  She announces as she walks past me.  “Don’t you dare cross the line.”

Oh right, she has divided the room in half.

“Wait, about today—”

“Sorry, I’m really tired at the moment.”  She cuts me off.

“I…”

Her cold gaze stops me in track.

“Alright.” I relent.  I force on a smile.  “Goodnight and sweet dreams.”

~*~

The ceiling, no matter how many times I stare at it, just won’t stop being a ceiling—

Great, I still can’t fall asleep.  No matter how much nonsense I try to fill my head with to divert myself from thoughts of her.

“Hey Gayeon,” I call out quietly, “are you asleep?”

No response…which actually gives away the fact that she is still wide awake.  If she’s asleep, then I would hear her snoring.  This is a habit of hers that I’ve discovered during the several odd times I’ve caught her dozing off at her desk during lunch hours back in the days.  Maybe she doesn’t know she has such a habit?

Well, I for one am not going to call her out for it, especially now – maybe this is a good opportunity to clear up this afternoon’s misunderstanding.

Maybe that’s why I can’t fall asleep tonight.  Even if I can’t redeem myself in her mind, at the very least, I can finally tell her my side of the story without any interruption this time.

“Gayeon.”  Suddenly, my throat is dry.  My mind is going blank.  How can I start without the awkwardness?  Or, maybe awkwardness is inevitable.

“Sorry.”  I finally manage to utter one word, though I’m not exactly sure where it would lead me.  “About this afternoon—but it’s really just a big misunderstanding—there is nothing going on between Wendy, that woman, and I.  She was just giving me her wedding invite and then, there was that spray and…” I just realize that I am rambling like a fool.

“Anyways, what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry – sorry for making you uncomfortable.”  Words are caught up in my throat, but I still have no idea where every one of these words would lead me.  Confessions seem much easier on TV.  “I’m sorry about everything.  Sorry for the current state that we are in…a-and I m-miss you.”

Yes, I finally understand, after babbling in circles, that this is exactly what I want to tell her – that I miss her.

“I miss you, but not just as a friend…” I pause, trying to listen for any clue of her reaction.  Of course, she gives me none of that.  So I continue, “I miss you as the woman that I have fallen for – still falling for.  I miss everything about you, especially for being the woman who has always been within my reach.  Now, you are out of my reach.”  I try to hold back the bitterness.  “And I hate myself for it.  So, I am sorry…because maybe if I wasn’t such a coward and have blown all my chances, then maybe we could have been more friends?  I don’t know…but maybe at the very least, you would still be here for me…as I have always hoped to be there for you.”

Still no response.  I glance at her direction, but she has her back to me.  Maybe she is asleep after all.  So everything I’ve said is for nought?  I sigh.  “All I ever wanted is a chance to start all over again with you.”

~*~

I don’t know how I’ve drifted off to sleep, but I did.  I have to cover my eyes from the sun rays that are seeping through from the delicate crack of the curtains.

I look over to her side of the room and surprise, surprise…she’s not here.

I sigh, remembering my failed confession last night.  Whatever.  I still have to make it through the day somehow.

I hastily put on my jacket.  Just as I open the door to head out, a piece of paper falls out from the crack.

I pick it up and unfold it.

Chanyeol,

I don’t know how you know, but you knew that I was awake, didn’t you?

I am embarrassed all of a sudden; despite this is exactly what I’ve wanted, for her to know exactly how much she means to me.

Yes, I heard everything. 

To be honest, I’m still not sure if I can trust your words, despite knowing you for so long.  As a friend, you’ve always been warm and sincere.  I have certainly considered the possibility of going beyond the boundaries of friendship and for the longest time too.  However, knowing you, I am hesitated to take the risk.  After all, if we were meant to happen, then shouldn’t we happen already?  Why now?  And you are you even before you met me, so who am I to change anybody, especially a free spirit like you?

Of course, I am not putting everything on you because I know that I haven’t been so honest from the start either.  You said that you were a coward; well, that makes the two of us.  No result would ever come by putting two cowards together, don’t you think?

Yet, despite everything and my own weaknesses, I still have that tiny, naïve wish of taking a leap of faith for once in my life.

So, do you want to play a game with me?

If you find me by noon, then let’s take a leap of faith together.  On the contrary, if we don’t meet by the time, then maybe it’s heaven’s signal to tell us to simply let go because this is too much of a risk for two cowards to handle.

Gayeon.

I quickly look at my watch and it reads 11:45AM.

“!” I would have banged my head on the wall for being a late riser if I am not short on time.

I don’t even have time to panic.  I have to think.  Where could she be?

Just then, the lack-witted drunk from last night, Kangdon or whatever his name is, strolls leisurely this way.

“Do you know where Gayeon is?”  I ask.

He scratches his head and responses, “Wow, am I having a déjà vu or what?”

“Please, tell me if you know where she is.”  I feel as though I am begging the stranger with absolute absence of any dignity for the first time in my life.

“Would love to tell you, but I have no idea.” He shrugs.  “Oh!  I can just give her a call.”

Then call!  I’ve almost yelled at him for his placid attitude.

“That’s strange…” He takes the phone from his ear.  “She’s not picking up.”

That’s it!  I have enough!  I snatch his phone from him and quickly enter my number.  “Then keep calling until she picks up.  And when she does, please call me and tell me where she is.”

“O-okay.” He responses dumbly.

~*~

The longest fifteen minutes begin as I frantically search for her.  Did I ever mention that she’s a very punctual person despite of her clumsiness?

When I finally see her walking along the frozen lake, which is located deep inside the camp forest trail, my lungs finally pant for easier breaths of oxygen.  I am just several feet from her.

“Song Gayeon!” I shout out her name in joy.

However, just as I am about hold up my watch to show her, I see, much to my dismay, that the watch reads 12:15PM – exactly fifteen minutes past noon.

So near, yet so far.

Is this the way we’ll always be?