The tension between Jinki and Taemin was thick enough to cut with a knife. With that there was also confusion, anger, fear, hurt. Most emanating from Taemin, who felt lost about what was going on with Jinki.

It wasn’t that much had changed. For the most part, things remained the same. Jinki was still by his side, still loving, caring. And yet... something was off. Taemin could feel it, and he knew something was wrong every time Jinki refused to take him to rehearsal.

Something had happened after that first day. Taemin wasn’t sure what- maybe someone said something negative, maybe Jinki was still fearful of the public- but whatever it was, it had Jinki on edge at all times, and as a result, Taemin was as well.

Jinki on the other hand felt like he was going to break at any moment. He knew he was hurting Taemin with all this secrecy and stress, but he didn’t know what else to do.

He couldn’t tell Taemin; how could he explain when he didn’t understand himself? So instead, he avoided as much he could without seeming too off, and pretended he didn’t notice the hurt expression on his lover’s face every time he refused to go with him to the studio.

“Are you okay Jinki?” He would ask, and Jinki would always reply the same.

“Neh Tae-ah. Just a bit tired.”

Taemin had tried questioning more at first, but after four days of no explanation, he gave up. By the ninth day, he stopped trying to ask for a ride even. Taemin knew it was pointless, and besides, it only served to make him sadder than he had felt before.

Jinki, while guilty, was thankful for this let up, as it allowed him to relax a bit, though not much. He knew there was only so long before he was either forced to take Taemin, or the younger blew up like he had before and made Jinki admit everything.

He’s right.

Two weeks. That’s how long Jinki was able to avoid it before he’s cornered.

"Jinki, can you take me over?" Friday night. He had nothing to do, no excuse, but still he tried.

"Can't Jonghyun?"

Taemin shook his head. "He had a meeting with his stylist this morning, so he left without me."

Panicking, Jinki asked, "Why don't you take the bus?"

"I don't know, maybe because I want to spend the ride there with my loving husband instead of some smelly ahjussi that thinks I'm a girl." Jinki worried his bottom lip. On the one hand he knew he was being ridiculous refusing Taemin a ride because he was afraid of a piano, but on the other hand, he didn't know if he'd be able to resist if he got that close again.

Taemin crossed his arms. "Seriously hyung, what's going on with you? You've been acting weird all week."

"It's nothing." Jinki quickly denied. "Let's just go. You need to be there soon right?"

“In about 10 minutes, yes.”

“Taemin! Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“Because I thought you would say no!” Taemin argued, though he looked more hurt than angry. Jinki immediately felt guilty. What was he doing, hurting the love of his life over something so stupid? This had to stop, but how?

Jinki turned his head away to avoid Taemin’s accusatory gaze, and grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter.

“Mianhe Taemin. I’ve just been a bit stressed lately.” He took Taemin’s hand in his own and stared deeply into his eyes, trying to convey all his emotions in that single look. Taemin’s features softened, relaxing at the gentle touch.

“I know... I’m just worried about you Jinki.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Taemin bit his lip, looking as if he wanted to say something, but couldn’t. His eyes were dark, a storm brewing in them.

“Taemin?” Jinki asked quietly, urging him to speak up.

Taemin let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “Just.. promise me you’ll tell me if something’s wrong, okay?”

“I promise Taemin.” Jinki answered hurriedly, wincing at how fake the words sounded.

Taemin’s eyes revealed he didn’t believe the elder either, but he didn’t comment on it.
“Let’s just go.” He said, pulling his hand from Jinki’s grasp. Jinki’s own hand fell to his side, hanging there lifelessly. As he followed Taemin out, he took in the tight shoulders of his husband and cringed.

Please forgive me.

“See you later Tae-ah.” Jinki said, giving Taemin a quick peck on the lips. Taemin smiled, though it looked a bit forced, and hugged Jinki tightly.

“Goodbye hyung.” Jinki turned as if to leave, and heard the door of the practice room squeak open.

As soon as the door was shut, Jinki turned around and headed back down the hall. Heart beating loudly against his chest, he slipped silently into the practice room. There it still stood, same as the day before, still as new looking as the day it had been wheeled in.

He moved closer slowly, still trying to resist the pull of the piano. He sat down at the bench stiffly, as if his body was at war, fighting between sitting and sprinting away. The keys shone in the light, waiting patiently to be played.

Jinki felt like a teenager again, nervously sat in front of the piano, his teacher waiting for him to start. Except this time, he was an adult, and it was only him waiting for his self to begin. Glancing back to the door, he found it still closed, and with Jonghyun’s agency renting the studio, he doubted anyone would stop by anytime soon.

“One song couldn’t hurt...” Jinki murmured under his breath, his hands settling on the keys with practiced hands. Taking a deep breath, he set his shoulders and began to play.

It had been years, but it felt like he had never left, as his fingers floated across the keys, the sweet tune of Yiruma’s “Kiss the Rain” filling the room. Every once in a while, a wrong key is struck, the result of years of lack of practice. It reminded Jinki of himself, of how things can seem like they are perfect, yet there are still sour notes amongst the beauty.

He let the music take over, the piano playing him instead of him playing it. Chills ran down his spine at the melody, so sweet yet haunting as his memories came to life and danced around the room.

This was his past, but one time reliving it couldn’t change anything, could it?

It had become an addiction, and the piano was his drug.

Everyday, he dropped off Taemin, pretending to leave before slipping past the rehearsal room and into the piano room. There was never anyone in there, and judging from the dust he had seen the first day, he assumed it had been awhile since anyone played.

So for two hours everyday, Jinki played, letting his heart flow through his fingers and into the piano, graceful melodies filling the room.

Playing, he could almost imagine it was six years ago, that he was still a scrawny teen with a dream to be the best vocalist in the world. He could almost hear Jonghyun singing along with him, his smooth voice fitting in perfectly with Jinki’s, as it had before. Their teacher had actually suggested they become a duo act, their voices matched so well, but both turned down the idea. They had different dreams, different styles of music they wanted to follow.

After Kibum’s death, Jinki never imagined he’d be here again, playing the piano as if he wasn’t a day over 18. One song led into the next, the music never ceasing, as if as soon as he stopped the spell was broken.

Only this time, it was different. The opening notes began, and Jinki took a deep breath, readying himself. Before, he had only played. He was still too afraid to let his voice escape, let it meld with the piano in perfect harmony. He feared if he did, he would be trapped forever- not that he wasn’t already, despite trying to deny it.

It was too much though. He longed to hear his voice again, not a cappella while sitting on the couch with Taemin, but together with the piano, one with it. He wanted not only to remember that feeling, but to experience it once more.

He began to sing.

Mother I miss you

The first words rang loud and clear throughout the room, his voice sweet yet emotional. The sad melody of G.O.D’s “To My Mother” floated through the air, voice revealing the guilt, the hurt, the misery, the anger at himself that he’d felt over the years.

He remembered when he first started singing this song. It began after he left home, torn apart with guilt for leaving his parents, especially his mother, without so much as a goodbye. The first couple months he fell asleep crying every night, beating himself up as he recalled every time he was ever rude or disrespectful to his parents.

He debated going back multiple times, to tell his mom sorry, admit his wrong doings, but knew that he couldn’t allow himself to return until he’d proven himself, made up for what he did.

I loved you,

Even though I never once told you

I love you

Rest comfortably now forever in the world without me

So instead he sang this song every night, pouring all his emotions into the song, as his only way of apologizing. At the time, he only hoped that when he returned, he would be forgiven.

He never expected that he would not only be forgiven, but accepted for who he was, wholly and completely. His hands shook as he played now, tears dripping down his face though his voice remained steady.

Ya-i-ya-ah-ah That’s how we live

That’s how we regret and how tears fall

Ya-i-ya-ah-ah That’s how we live

It really hurts but we smile again

Jinki’s phone vibrated in his pocket, tickling his leg. He let his hands drop from the piano and pulled it out quickly, heart racing as he checked the caller ID. He sighed in relief when he realized it wasn’t Taemin, feeling guilty immediately after for having that reaction. What was he doing?

The number was unfamiliar, but that didn’t mean much. Jonghyun was always getting new numbers due to crazed fans hacking his phone. In the past year alone Jonghyun had changed it four times. It was times like those that Jinki was glad he’d never debuted.

With a small shake of his head, he leaned against the side of the piano, forearm resting on top.

“Hey Jonghyun, what’s up?

“Jinki?” A female’s voice crackled through the speaker, and Jinki froze.

“Yes?” He answered, voice cautious. Was it really her? It couldn’t be... could it?

“Jinki! It is you.” He can hear the smile in her voice, and the sound warms his heart, despite the confusion fogging his mind.

He misses what she says, and shakes his head to clear it a bit. “I’m sorry, what was that?”

She laughs, the sound familiar and comforting. “Aigoo, you haven’t changed at all, have you Jinki-ah? I was asking, can we meet?”

There is a pause as Jinki weighs his options. He knows he should be getting back to the studio, that soon Taemin will begin to wonder where he is. And yet, it had been so long.... Jinki found himself dying to see her face again, even just once. It was like the piano: once his past was close, it was all he could do not to dive in headfirst.

Of course, maybe it was time to dive in, to bring back the ghosts of his past that he’d locked away for so long. Biting his lip, Jinki knew he had come to a decision. With a deep breath in, he replied.

“Where and when?”