Days passed. Exo had been busy conducting their solo concerts, performing on various shows and events, appearing on entertainment media, everything that popular Kpop idols did. Exo, as one, did all their promotions and fan services, and all the other things expected of them as professional artists.

Exo, as one, did all those things.

But if they were one, then why did it feel like something was missing?

--

Yi Fan was happy for Exo. All their activities thus far had been very successful, more and more people giving their love and support to them. He, who was far away, was unable to express his congratulations and love for them personally. However, every night, without fail, Yi Fan would sit in front of his computer and watch all of Exo's concerts and shows, and though there were only eleven members on the screen, he couldn't help but think that maybe his decision had been for the best after all.

Because of his decision, he himself was no longer there to burden s, to bring them down. He was content being able to see Exo and Exo-L happy. Even if it came at the cost of his own happiness, Yi Fan was satisfied.

--

May 28, 2014. The day Yi Fan would finally get the results for his cardiological examination. His damaged heart thumped quickly in his chest at the thought of results that would make his mother sad. But Tao would be happy about it, he imagined. Even so, he had to know the results. When he arrived at the hospital's cardiological department early in the morning, a medical professional was already there, a clipboard with the results in his hands.

“It’s confirmed," the doctor notified Yi Fan, "you have acute myocarditis which is caused by viral infection.”

“There’s a high probability that you got the infection from North America, since viruses causing this disease are most commonly found there. Your heart muscles have probably been infected even before you moved to Korea, which is why you've had these chest pains even during your trainee days. The disease weakens your heart, so you may have found it harder, as compared to others, to do physical activities.”

“Your case cannot be treated with directed therapy anymore. We can only suggest symptomatic treatment. You should try to avoid stress, and perhaps have more bed rest.”

Yi Fan was shocked. He stood there for a moment, his jaw slack. In his heart and mind, he had already told himself to prepare for these kinds of results...but why was he so shocked, shocked to the point where he was almost paralysed by it? The medical professional watched the grown man before him stand still; surprise, with a hint of sadness was the only thing his face showed. He had never liked this part of his job, telling people that they had serious diseases, but it was what he had to do.

After the shock came the numbness. How would he tell his mother about this? How would he tell Tao about this? How would he tell anyone about this?

And no, he thought again, Tao probably wouldn't want to know, and surprisingly, Yi Fan felt that he didn't really want Tao to know either. What his love didn't know about wouldn't worry or hurt him-- he just had to hope for the best and pray that Tao didn't happen to pick up a newspaper if anything bad happened to him.

“What should I do now, sir?” He asked again, realizing that in the middle of his thoughts, he had completely forgotten what the medical professional had advised him to do.

“Like I said, Yi Fan, you should have bed rest. Don’t stress yourself too much, so we can at least prevent majority of the symptoms.”

“What symptoms?”

“Chest pains, palpitations, and fevers. I believe you've experienced most of those before. Besides, you could have congestive heart failure that would lead to edema and breathlessness. In a worst case scenario, it could lead to , heart attack, or sudden death.”

Yi Fan was silent for about a minute or two as his massaged his scalp with both his hands, looking every bit like a cornered dragon.

“But I can't,” he finally said, looking back up at the medical professional, "there are so many fans waiting for me to do something that will validate my decision to leave Exo and to prove that I can still make it, I can't just..."

“I’m sorry, Yi Fan, but I strongly suggest you take our advice. Though working as an idol in China may not be as exhausting as it is in Korea, it is still best that you rest so that the symptoms do not appear as frequently.”

Yi Fan hesitated before asking his next question, "Can you do me a favour?"

The medical professional seemed shocked, but his face remained suitably stoic.

"It depends, Mr. Wu."

"Please do not release any of these results to the public. I don't want anyone out there to know of what I'm going through, especially my fans. So please, doctor.”

The medical professional considered his proposition, and nodded, "That we can do."

“Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.”

Yi Fan procrastinated returning home, choosing to walk around aimlessly in the busy streets instead. He was relieved he had had the insight to bring a cap and sunglasses, so no one noticed him. He didn't want to go back, afraid of facing his problems headfirst.

If he went back home, he'd have to tell his mother the results. What would she say? How would she feel?

Then he thought about his fans, his fans who had stayed by his side the whole time, even though he had left Exo. How would they feel? Yi Fan shook his head. He didn't want to imagine that.

And Exo, his brothers-- or at least, they used to be. How would they feel? Did they no longer care about him? Yi Fan blinked away his tears. No, he didn't deserve to have them care about him anymore, especially not what after he had done.

Even after he had finished worrying about Exo, an image of a panda-eyed boy still lingered in his brain. Tao. How would he feel? Honestly, Yi Fan didn't want him to feel anything-- he wanted the person he loved to go on with his life, to do what he wanted to do. It didn't matter anymore, didn't matter if Tao left Yi Fan behind, for all he wanted was for the latter to be happy.

Yi Fan thought a lot about all of them.

He thought so much about him.

He thought so much about others, but didn't spare a single thought for himself.