May 23, 2014. The day Exo-M, Exo-K, and Exo-L had been waiting for. It marked the date of Exo’s first-ever solo concert, and everyone was oozing with excitement. Overflowing love and support from Exo-L filled the Seoul Olympic Gymnasium; it was a day everyone had been anticipating for a long, long time.

The moment Exo stepped out onto the stage, the atmosphere of the stadium heated up, their fans cheering and screaming their names. Though everyone in the area already knew their names by heart, there was still relentless whooping and squeals as every member introduced themselves, the fans waving the banners in their hands vigorously in excitement.

Exo performed like there was no tomorrow, throwing themselves wholeheartedly into every song they sang, moving and dancing in synchronization and perfect harmony. This was the day they had been waiting for for a very long time, and they were not going to disappoint everyone who expected the best from them.

That night of May 23 was one of the happiest yet saddest moments for the fans, for Exo, for Tao, and for Yi Fan.

--

After their first concert was finally done, Exo could finally catch a break. Their practice had paid off; they had done their best, and now they needed to rest, to regain strength and energy for another day of work tomorrow. They were all tired, their muscles sore, but the adrenaline from earlier was still lurking in their veins, preventing them from getting a good night's sleep.

The recent concert meant there wasn't much time for anything except for practice, so Kai's ual frustration at that moment was perfectly understandable. Fortunately, the dormitory had wifi, and wifi meant access to websites. The video was decent, but Kai was still , not wanting to disturb D.O., afraid that he might further exhaust the petite male. After some time, though, those thoughts flew out his mind as he silently grabbed the wide-eyed male, dragging him to their shared room. What happened behind those closed doors was as hot as the burning pits of hell, but felt as good as heaven.

Chanyeol and Baekhyun were doing the same in the next room, if the moans Baekhyun was elicting were any indication. In that moment, it didn't matter to either of them that Baekhyun had Taeyeon and Chanyeol was crushing on Dara, only the pleasure they were both immersed in.

As per normal, Sehun and Luhan were a lump under a white blanket on one of the sofas. Everyone knew what they were doing, but with experience, they had learned not to try to stop the two. It was an ordinary scene for the Exo members to witness, so they just ignored them and went on their merry way.

Suho, Chen and Xiumin, who were not as ually active as the six members, were sitting on the other sofa. They were having a sort of counselling session, a heart to heart, if you may. It might've seemed like a weird thing to do to an outsider, the stress of being an idol had taught them it was better to vent to someone you could trust than to keep it bottle up inside.

“I still don't get why Kris-- I mean, Yi Fan would do that, but...I just really miss him. It doesn't feel right celebrating without him here,” Suho admitted, hugging his legs to his chest.

“Me, too,” agreed Chen. “There's no one to play good pranks on that won't end up scolding me anymore. He was a good leader. I wish I understood, but I just don't...why would he work so hard just to throw his future as an idol away like that?”

“I trust him,” Xiumin said. “I do feel disappointed. But that doesn’t mean I don’t still love him as a brother. Kris...I don't see him as a person who would do something without thinking carefully about it first.” he added.

They sat there and talked for quite some time. How could they not, with so many things happening around them? Relieving themselves of their worries and confiding in each other was the only way they could comfort themselves.

Meanwhile, Lay and Tao, the ones most affected by Kris' decisions, decided that the cool midnight air was the perfect way to cool off and relieve their anxieties.

“I miss him so bad,” Lay said, tears flowing from eyes that had already cried too much, “I wish he was still here.”

“Don't talk about him. We've accomplished so much tonight. We, without him-- we deserve to celebrate instead of moping over him,” Tao replied, his voice cold.

“No. It's too hard...we've been best friends for so many years, and now he's gone. It's just...” Lay replied, the wind sweeping his bangs to the side as if to tell him not to cry any more.

“It’s not hard, hyung. It's easy!” Tao turned towards the elder, the edges of his lips twisted up into a imitation of something between a smile and a scowl, “Look, I'm happy.”

“No, you're not. Neither of us are. A smile on a face can't hide all the emotions underneath.”

“You're wrong! You just can't see my expression properly through your tears. I'm smiling, ge, I'm smiling. I'm so, so happy. So, so happy to finally be without that ing traitor!”

“Please, Tao, stop talking like that. None of us knows the truth, knows what Yi Fan is thinking right now. No one knows.”

Tao laughed, his gums showing as his maniacal laugh rang in the cold air.

"The truth? Of course I know the truth. The truth is that Yi Fan got tired of us, so he left. The truth is that he doesn't want us anymore. The truth is that the mothering doesn't care about anyone other than himself, because that's exactly what he is. A mothering . In fact, he could die right now, and I wouldn't even give a ."

In the midst of his ranting, Tao had turned back to his mother tongue, Chinese, the rapid, choppy rant hurting Lay's ears.

“Stop it, Tao. Stop it.”

“Stop? Pfft. He's out of our lives now. He doesn't matter, so we don't have to stop. Wouldn't it be hilarious if he died? What if he suicided because he realised that he was a ing and he doesn't have a chance at being successful anymore, because he left Exo? Imagine if he suicided while watching us on a show for the hottest kpop idols? Ha ha! I can barely suppress my laughter.”

“You want to talk about your lover’s death? Fine.”

“Yeah. That’s the spirit, hyung. Come on, say something. Let's brainstorm the ways Yi Fan could end his ing miserable, stupid, excuse for a life.”

“Oh, and ge,” Tao added. “Don't ever call him my lover again, okay? He resigned from that position the day he ran away from Exo."

Lay sighed.

"Fine."

“Come on, hyung. Tell me. Just how do you think Yi Fan would die?”

“You heard the rumours about him visiting a hospital?”

“Oh, of course! It’s a hot topic amongst everyone in the kpop world right now. Heart disease? Please,” Tao snorted, "does that moron think he can fool us like that? It's obviously results that piece of trash faked in order to gain our sympathy."

“Are you really going to keep hiding from the truth? It could very well be real, you know.”

“True? True just like so many other incorrect rumours that this industry has produced?”

“I really can't help but think it's true.”

“He just wants sympathy, ge, we can't fall for his trap. We can't believe his words. In fact, if he had it, I might even be thankful.” That awkward half-smile half-scowl had appeared on Tao's face again, and Lay wondered if this was what love did to people: turn them into maniacs.

“You wish he had it?”

“Anything that gets rid of that has my thanks.”

“This was a long time ago, when Kris and I were still trainees. We had a short water break from dancing at the studio. Kris said that he was going to buy a drink outside, and I let him go alone because I had to go to the toilet anyway. Kris went out first, while I stayed at the studio for a while to cool down.”

Tao frowned. He didn't see the relevance at all.

“Then I went to the comfort room,” Lay continued, “I thought I was the only person there at that time. After I went to the toilet, I washed my hands at the sink. When I turned the tap on, I was only expecting to hear the sound of flowing water, but I heard something else, something I wasn't supposed to hear. It was the sound of a person in pain, but it wasn't really just the sound of a person in pain. The sound was muffled, so I could tell the person was trying to keep quiet, to not let anyone know of their pain.”

“I looked around,” he went on, and Tao was all ears, “All the cubicle doors were open, so the source of the sound was definitely not in the toilet. But I still could hear the person crying in pain, and I was sure that he was inside the comfort room. I listened carefully, and I realized the sound came from the cleaner's closet.”

“I tried to open the door, but I found that I couldn't, and I was certain the crying person had locked it from the inside. I had to try to help them, so I went downstairs to the lobby to fetch the cleaner with his keys. He came up with me, but the cleaner's closet was already unlocked, the door open. The cleaner even teased me for being so tired I was seeing things.”

“But I was certain it wasn't an illusion, that I hadn't imagined it. Those cries, and how sad they sounded - how could they be inside my head? To my surprise, I saw Kris standing by the sinks, splashing water onto his face. He said he planned on buying drinks from the store outside the SM building instead, and even tried joking, saying he needed a change of ambience.” Lay let out a tiny, bitter laugh.

“So I asked him why he was still there, and he said he'd been waiting for me, so we could go together. Then, I noticed something else-- Kris didn't look very well. His lips were blueish-- purple and dry, and the expression on his face told me he was hurting somewhere. However, when I asked him when he was okay, he quickly put a warm smile on his face and told me he was fine and not to worry.”

“I never found out who that crying person was, but I'm pretty sure it was my best friend.”

Tao was left speechless after hearing what Lay said, his jaw slack.

“I didn't make that up, Tao. I'm pretty sure the rumours are true. And you know Yi Fan's always been a good actor. What says he couldn't have hidden his real feelings under that cool, cold mask of his?”

Tao stared blankly at Lay, speechless. He didn't know what to feel-- happy, sad, angry, frustrated-- his emotions were all fighting inside his heart, and a lone tear squeezed itself out of his eye.

“Tao, you knew him the best, didn't you," Lay asked, patting softly at the maknae's back, "was there a time when you felt something was wrong with Kris?"

He couldn't respond, staring into the distance, into the unknown, as if he had lost the ability to move, as if he was paralyzed by the words that Lay struck right through his heart. There was a long silence; a dead, cold air. Only the tears from his eyes that created a non-existent sound, only the tears from his eyes that spoke of his pent-up, hidden pain.

Tao finally spoke.

“Yi Xing hyung…I have been so blinded by his love.”

“Hyung, he loved me too much, replacing all my bad memories, the ones of him in pain, to ones where the both of us were laughing, smiling, always together. He covered my eyes with his love. He blinded me with his words, saying that he was always okay, that he was never in pain with me.”

“I was selfish. I ignored his pain, and kept on ignoring it, just so I could have more happy, peaceful moments with him. Those were things I didn't want to lose, and like a child, I clung on to them, so that Kris would never, never leave.”

“One night, I had a nightmare. I heard that sound, that sound you just described, ge. And i saw Kris, standing alone, shadowed by a black sky, his face dimmed so that I couldn't see his expression. But I still heard, heard that gasp, that groan of pain, muffled with one hand as the other clenched at his chest."

“It was the worst nightmare I ever had, seeing the person dearest to me suffer, as if death was only a footstep away. Then I suddenly woke up from that nightmare. I opened my eyes, tears already flowing, my heartbeat accelerating with fright. I quickly reached my hands to him who I thought was sleeping soundly beside me. I wanted to cry in his arms to relieve my fear, but I found no Kris lying beside me.”

“I thought I wouldn't hear the sound anymore after I had waken up, but for some reason, it was still lingering in my ears. Realizing the sound came from the bathroom, I rose from bed and ran there. But just before I touched the doorknob, the door opened. He was standing there, eyes wide as I collided into him, his shirt soaking up my tears, and there was no more sound of a man crying. I asked Kris about it, but he said he had just gone to the toilet and perhaps the recent lack of sleep was taking its toll on my mind.''

“I shouldn't have listened. His words were just too blinding. His hugs were too warming. His kisses were too melting. I was such a fool for ignoring that nagging feeling. I was too stupid, ignoring my instincts. I want to talk to him now, ge. I want him to explain why he left me with no words. I want to know, directly from him, if he’s truly suffering from an illness. I want to know why he needs to hide it from me; from all of us.”

Lay patted Tao's back, trying to reassure the maknae.

“I want him back, ge. I want him back so bad.”