"That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt."
"Now it's back to the way we started. Strangers"

          When people say: “Time mends people back together.” I disagree. For some people like me, time doesn’t mend broken pieces back onto people; it smashes those smaller pieces into even smaller pieces. Especially if the past is constantly interrupting the present, or an extreme problem has been left alone.

Moving on is another component to time, but how can I?

         Leaving me is never a good idea. Jongin ran away from our problem because he couldn’t bear to look at me, the way I was before. And as much as I try to understand, there’s still that judgement in my head stating that he shouldn’t have just ran away.

       We’re both cowards, we’re both full of indecisiveness. It’s almost a year since he left, and everyone around me is still praising me for what I’ve done. By now, I’m pretty sure that he’s never coming back.

       I’d rather be forgotten in his memory than to be reminded every single day of what wrong doings I’ve done to him. A lot of things happened ever since he left. And of course as usual, I still had to cope with my conscious beating me up into pieces.

      Despite my emotional problem, I also had physical problems. My rib cage became more noticeable through my skin and my stomach is even flatter than it was before. I wasn’t even eating a spoonful of rice. Due to concealing myself in my house during long breaks, I lack vitamin D.

      Compliments are always said to me. For someone who has been treated like an invisible inhuman her entire life, this wasn't a pleasant feeling. It turns out that the boy who carried me to his house on the day I was shivering in front of Jongin’s front steps-Kyungsoo was the boy moving in to Jongin’s house.

        No matter how many times I end up in Kyungsoo’s house after a hangover, I always ignore the fact that I’m lying on Jongin’s bed-the bed of lies. Kyungsoo’s attending my school now. To my relief he’s there by my side. Almost everything that I pass through in my daily routine reminds me of Jongin.

         Is it true that I’m really re-living my past? Because of so much guilt, I’m trapped to the point where there’s no escape. There were a lot of words I wanted to say before he left but he didn’t give me a chance.

         Some things are better left unsaid, and some things are supposed to be said no matter what. Guilt is a weapon. Guilt is like a game of Russian roulette, the guilt is the bullet itself. Depending on the number of chambers in the roulette and how much bullets-‘guilt’ is loaded. Once it shoots, does the bullet of guilt go out of your head? Does it ever leave our head? No, you die with it.

        Guilt is also tough to hide. Notice that all criminals, when faced with an interviewer, their nervousness and unintended movements are more visible. School is something I always have to attend. And as usual I sit at the bench where Jongin and I used to eat together.

       It used to be my favourite place out of everywhere in the school, but now it just brings back horrid memories. Words never leave people’s minds; just like how Jongin’s harsh words had hit me like a baseball bat swinging towards my stomach.

        My subconscious mind never forgot how Jongin had looked like, his smile, his face; everything is still vivid in my perception. And almost every night he would visit me, like the old days where we enjoyed each other’s comfort; the times where we were needed each other.

       I lie down on the bench widely awake staring at the cotton-candy clouds floating on the sky blue scenery. Sky blue is in fact one of Jongin’s favourite colours.

“Are you ever going to leave this bench?” Kyungsoo jokes looking down at me,

“I’m just resting.” I say flatly,

“You seem too emotionally connected to this bench though.” Kyungsoo assumes.

      Kyungsoo is a very meticulous and observant person. He can guess some personality traits of people who walk past him, just by looking at them. Impressive right? He’s never an extravert person. I sit up, and Kyungsoo sits beside me. Gently patting his laps he gestures me to use his lap as a pillow.

“Sure,” I say nodding after all my neck is a bit sore.  

At least I have Kyungsoo, my one and only friend.

"So? You’re thinking about him are you? “He asks me.

My eyes sting because of the pool of tears lingering in my eyes.

“Do I have a choice?” I question him,

“But you do know you can’t be like this for the rest of your life?",

“Of course, I know. But I’ve always been the type of person to leave problems as they are and ignore them thinking that they would go away. But that doesn’t work for this problem.”

       To be utterly honest, I will never be at peace unless Jongin and I talk it over. Forgiving me is not what I’m asking for, I’m asking for chances to explain-to speak.

”Did you know? You look more attractive when you smile?" Kyungsoo tries a pick-up line. A look of concern is drawn on my face.

“Whoa, are you okay? Kyungsoo you’re not cheesy stop this.” I smile a little.

      Nevertheless, I can just pretend I’m fine. Yes, I’m grieving but that doesn’t mean I have to spill everything out just to express it. Chanyeol calls my name, and I am once again being hauled into the popular group.

         It might be hard to believe but some of them are actually decent people, they’re just acting like vicious people to fit in. I wave bye to Kyungsoo. As usual, I have a reputation of being called Luhan’s girlfriend.

        And even up until now, the same hatred, loathe, and disgust feeling I’ve always had for Luhan is still valid and lingering. As the day passes by, I realize that it’s a Friday, and it’s time to go to the club and forget everything again.

Today is the anniversary of Jongin running away.

And I should celebrate.

      I could be crazy all I want and no one will care. I'm living my own selfish little world. As I got home, I take a nap, wake up at 11:00 at night, and scurried into my bedroom. Fitting in my tacky outfit, I put on an enormous amount of eyeliner, and grab my purse.

      The music at the bar is cranked up loud enough to make the whole building dance. Busting out moves with strangers, I intake at least 2 cocktails before getting back into the dance floor.

         2 more drinks, and the world is spinning around me. But hell- I am having fun. Killing brain cells-neurons are fun. The most fun I‘ve had in my life actually. Wasted, and sitting on the table, that could barely support my weight, a boy catches my attention.

      His thick lips are vivid, looking realistic with texture. From a distance, he looks like Jongin. His sharp chiseled jaw outlines his intense stare. The peculiar look in his eyes is the same shade as Jongin’s.

What the am I talking about? Jong In's LEFT ME.

 Drunk, I strut my way to the boy.

"Wattup?" I say, he looks at me and his lips. We start dancing with each other.

"Hey." He says casually.

"I think I've seen you before." I recall bluntly.

"Yeah, I've seen you before too." He acknowledges. I let out a mental laugh.

"Oh yeah? What's your name?"

 "I'll tell you later..."

...

       Groaning, a headache pounds on my head like a hammer pounding on a nail. As I open my eyes, I find myself lying on a bathtub in a washroom that smelled like lemongrass. The good thing about hangovers is that you don’t remember a single thing you’d done ever since you passed out.

           What’s strange is that I still remember the boy who looked like Jongin. That must be a delusion. Gathering my strength, I stand up. Unexpectedly, both of my feet slip, and I’m in the same position I was before. My own breath is making me vomit. And I start to wonder where I am.

I’m a disaster, and I know very well.

         For a moment, a glimpse of memory flashes in my perception. The perception consists of Kyungsoo giving me a piggyback ride with a plastic bag covering my mouth area. Oh, that’s right. Kyungsoo carried me all the way back to his home.

         Filled with burden, I cover my face. I'm a heavy girl; he's a quite-small guy. How strong can he possibly be? A wheeze psychiatric laugh escapes me; this is also the house Jongin lived in.

       Creeping into Jongin’s used-to-be bedroom, I imagine his bookshelves full of comic books, and Star Wars Figurines. Wobbling to his bed, I sit at the edge of it admiring the Darth Vader sheets. Kyungsoo comes in,

"There you are! You drunk crazy lady,"

”Yeah, Hey you haven’t changed the sheets?” I question.

“Why would I? The sheets are awesome! I moved in and they were in the drier. The owner must’ve left them.” Kyungsoo grins.

“This is the guess bed right?”,

“Actually, I sleep here when I feel like it. This room gives me positive vibes.”,

“Oh,” I reply.

Kyungsoo places his arm around my waist for support and walks me to the kitchen.

"You really need to stop drinking." He says with concern.

"Let me enjoy my thug life." I stubbornly mumble,

" I made you some hangover soup." Kyungsoo passes me his famous recipe. I wait for my stomach to churn before gulping it all down.

"You're lucky I was doing nothing yesterday night. I called Suho but he says that you're in charge of your own life." Kyungsoo says,

"That's right. I'm in charge of my own life." I agree with my careless brother.

"Thanks." I say casually,

"I'm always here anyways.” Kyungsoo beams a smile at me.

"Oh, and that boy you were dancing with called me. So, you should say thank you to him to.”

 I grumble, the problem is he’s a complete stranger and I have no intention to meet him every again.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Kyungsoo wiggles his eyebrows making me burst into laughter.

It’s pretty obvious how Kyungsoo and I think the same way.

"The boy who called you and the boy who I danced with look a lot like Jong In." I mention, Kyungsoo messes up my bangs.

"Do you think I'm crazy?",

"Don’t worry, I saw him too."

      After we finish our breakfast, we head for some fresh air. Fresh air is always refreshing after a hangover; it also gives time for your head to breath properly. I unlock my bicycle from the rack.

          Kyungsoo comes along. The only possible turn off for Kyungsoo is that he’s very clingy. He likes to get involved in problems and be that solution to them. While riding, a boy with the same chiseled jaw I saw last night passes me, but I couldn’t see his face particularity his eyes.

         My courage buries itself, and I let him pass by me. In fact- I don't remember his name. His wallet goes jumping down from his left cheek pocket to the ground. Walking my bike with me, I bend down to pick up the wallet he had dropped.

“Kyungsoo!” I holler Kyungsoo’s name. He comes from a distance on his bike with a bag of hot rice cakes.

“The man dropped it. Come with me to return It.”,

“Okay”

       Opening the wallet, there is no ID in it, or even a driver’s licence. Just loads of money and a slip of paper with an address written on it. Following the address, it led us to a 3-story mansion.

“You knock,” I nudge Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

       After a few minutes of waiting and knocking, just when were about to leave, A boy opens the door and stares at both of us. He is the same boy with the chiseled jaw, same peculiar shade in his eyes, and thick lips.

"Oh! How sweet! You should be nominated for the best couple in the whole wide world!" He claps sarcastically.

"You drop your wallet, Mr. Attitude." I grumble at him.

"Oh yeah, you’re the girl who danced with me last night." He sneers at me.

"If you want money, just ask for it."

With that sentence, in an instance he flings the huge bulge of money tucked in his wallet at me. I stand quite still, my face remaining consistent.

"Oh, Do you want more money?" he tsks with shock. My palms turn into round-shaped fists, reading to throw it at his face at any moment now.

"In fact, you should be saying thanks to me! I called your boyfriend to come and pick you up." He scoffs.

"So, if you have no other business here. GET THE OUT." He hoots.

“At least I'm not an egotistical bastard who thinks every girl that approaches him is a ." I argue. Kyungsoo tries to stop me from exploding.

"Stop, don't be so scandalous." KyungSoo implores.

"Your boyfriend's right! Besides, I don’t think I can lie to a person like you. It would be a lie if I hadn’t told your boyfriend that I kissed you that night."

"And, I'm not a guilt-driven, self-absorbed, narcissistic person like you." He shuts the door with a slam.

Why does he give off some sort of vibe that is identically similarly to Jongin?

*author's note

Guyss, I was inspired to make another Story here on AFF! Please feel free to check it out!

[BLANK SPACE] Finally Edited!

oasisgrounds.