"A clear rejection is always better than a fake promise.”

"You can't erase your emotions. But you can hide them"

           Meddling in other people’s business is something I’d never thought I’d do. But after that emotional session with Jong In a few nights ago; I start to doubt what I'm doing. Am I really stepping on a person’s toes just to keep myself safe from public harassment? Come to think of it, I’m the culprit in this situation.

But there’s nothing else I can do about it.

I'm stuck in a dead-end situation.

          If you were to choose where to point the gun at-yourself or some innocent person, you would choose to risk an innocent person’s life because we value our lives’ more. What else would I do? The truth is everyone is selfish at one point, just to protect themselves. I do sound like a selfish, sadistic right? Everyone has that side.

        Today is the day to confirm Jong In and I are dating. I could already foresee myself hiding in my house, crying almost 10 hours a day falling deep down into a cage filled with depression. And I probably can’t escape. Inhaling as much oxygen as I can, I pull the school door open. The aroma is a mixture of hell and purgatory.

        Walking in, my heart sinks down to the bottom of my shoes and with every step, I fear cellphone’s ringing with text messages that involve me . Let the ruing begin. To my bewilderment no one looked at me at disgust, shame, or pity like it's supposed to be.

          An emotion that I can’t control appears on my face, an emotion that shows a smug grin. I smile brightly while walking in the hallways. I guess the brick hasn’t hit me yet. Too relieved to look where I’m going, I clumsily bump into Jong In again.

         The sudden slam of my body against the floor made everyone look towards our direction. All the papers in my file folders explode into the air, flying everywhere. Like a million feathers falling softly. I wheeze in the pain. A hand extends, intending for me to grab it.

"T-thank you." I mumble while dusting myself off. Jong In smiles,

"Just like the first time we meant."  He pulls me into a hug.

     I beam unexpectedly, the sound of his heart is different than I expected. Beating in its own rhythm, doing what it intends to do. Warmth is all I feel. Just the two of us, I feel safe, secured and free from the hideous people looking at us from a microscope.

Do I really like him? Am I really falling for him? Our hearts are like a car traveling as fast as we want it to.  

      People are watching, I have to break the hug. Side by side, we walk to our first class, pushing our shoulders towards each other every once in a while. So much lies to hide, it’s slowly tearing me apart. The lunch bell fills my ears, making me cringe on the spot. This is my chance, I can’t screw this up. Taking a seat beside Jong in-who’s willingly waiting for me. I gnaw on my lower lip to prevent myself from spilling any beans.

"Can I-" we blurt out simultaneously.

"You first," I tell him.

Jong In hands me a fortune cookie, he takes out another from his pocket.

“Oh the count of three, we’ll smack the cookie on our heads and read the fortune.”,

“But, isn’t that going to hurt?”,

“A bit, but it’s done so you remember what the fortune cookie says about your future.”,

“I’ve never heard of that rule.” I say suspiciously.

"Enjoy it." He smiles beamingly. Before I could say anything else he starts to count.

“1…2…3” we mentally groan, the white slips of paper fall on the table.  

“Okay, I’ll read mine out first.”,

“Mine says will you be my girlfriend?”,

“That’s strange; mine says will you be my boyfriend?” My eyes widen. I get it now.

Tears start to form in my eyes not because I love the way he proposed to me, but the fact that I’m going to be the person that will wreck his life permanently.

"Are you okay?" he looks at me with despair and confusion in his face.

       I blink away the tears. And I accept his proposal. Besides, I'm not going to hurt anyone, as long as Jong In doesn't find out this is a dare. And if he gets sick of me, we can just break up. If I'm this easy to get, I'm that easy to be thrown away.

    No harm done and I’ll be fine with that. In the end, I’m the one who has to suffer. He gives me a very tight hug. Under the table he starts to slip his fingers into mine, grasping it tightly. Tingling sensations fill my hands.  A text message pops up on my phone.

[From:

Meet me in the girl’s washroom when the lunch bell rings. ]

      My fingernails dig into my palm as hardly as I can. I’m being used. Like a ratchet doll that can be used and thrown away, and replaced by a new doll. It had felt as if though bullets have killed my pride and dignity.  

        As time ticks, I become more anxious and Jongin’s noticing it. The bell rings, and I enter the girl's bathroom as soon as I possibly can, and there I saw the hoe.

"We're dating. So leave us alone." I fume.

"Not so fast." she stops me from exiting the washroom.

"On your 300 day anniversary, you have to break up with him." She smiles smugly.

If I stay in the bathroom, there’s a possibility that I might tear her hair follicles out one by one.

"Didn't you say that he has to break up with me?" I rage,

"I change my mind. He's never going to let go of you." the kept talking.

"Do you have a soul!? Why are you so sadistic!?"

"One click of a button and your life is gone." She glares at me.

"Are you going to do it or what?" she clarifies her plan with me. I nod my head.

I’m so senseless and naïve enough to let someone dictate what I do.

"It's either you have to break up with him on your 300th day anniversary or he has to break up with you."

"And if you break up earlier than 300 days. You're also dead."

"Bye Chingu! Love ya!" She pats my shoulder and leaves the bathroom.

Collapsing to my knees, I cower in silence. Tears don’t come out of me; depression is far more than just tears. 

...

 I visit Jong In very often now. Being there all the time, being there coming face to face with him, sharing words with him. Everything is all just a horrible mishap, all because of me. Every time I see him, I come face to face with guilt and the bad karma that I have to swallow.

      And when each day passes by that guilt will grow bigger and bigger eventually swallowing me alive-taking my life away from me. There are some people in this world, who do not believe in guilt, or karma, or paying a price for what they’ve done wrong- at least until it hits them.

     And when it does, they still don’t know what caused their life to become miserable. At least I’m wise; at least I know what I’m doing wrong. The problem is I keep repeating my mistakes.

      There’s so many things I have to bury inside my mind, my mind is never calm nor is tidy. I’ve always thought drowning in a bath tub was a stupid idea, but now I’m considering it.

       My mind is wrecked, every word I say is jarring, I can’t even eat a single piece of food without throwing it up, and sleeping is like entering into another hell. But his smile is something that gives me hope; his smile is what tells me: he’s going to understand why I did it. But there’s barely enough people in the world who do understand.

We would go on dates from time to time.

        The only thing that erased all the thoughts shooting my head is how he makes my heart flutter. If I do somehow, develop feelings for him. I probably can't erase it, but I can hide it. And I'm exceptional at doing that. I always doubt myself when it comes to love because I've never felt it.

       Being battered my mother valued her small business restaurant than her own daughter. She barely had time for me. Attention is always something not for me to receive. The identity of my biological father is still unknown.

And I honestly don’t care where the hell he is, if he didn’t love me enough to take me with him, I’m better off on my own.

       The guilt is killing me, every night I would have nightmares. Those kind of nightmares that are so vivid; it’s like it’s meant to happen. Deja Vu is what they call it. My body shoot right up and I am screaming my lungs off.

         It’s the middle of the night, and this has become a daily routine. Curling into a ball, I grab a hold of my knees rocking back and forth with my lower lip quivering. Suho comes in with his rubber-ducky boxers, and one of my pyjama top with Doraemon all over it.

“Again?” Suho whines, his voice gives me shivers.

       Although its dark Suho’s figure comes near my bed, he sits down and pats my back. To my response, I jump into him hugging him tightly, like a child who had just found her lost stuff animal.

“S-Sing me a song,” I beg, we break the hug and soon he is tucking me back into my bed.

“Sujupdeon misowa sangnyanghan nundongja
Ango sipeunde eotteohhajyo
Na eomneun goseseon uljimayo good-bye
Ijen nae eokkael mot billyeoyo oh
Andwaeyo it’s my turn to cry naega halgeyo
Geudaeui nunmul moa
It’s my turn to cry
Naege matgyeoyo geu nunmulkkaji this time
Ne nunmulkkaji this time yeah-“

         My eyes slowly shut, and I am drifting hopefully into a better dreamland or possibly no dream at all. My eyes flash open, gasping for air; I try not to awake my brother. I need a solution. Wobbling, I head into the kitchen and found some sleep pills. Without hesitation, I gulp two down and head back to my bed.

The image of the Queeka appears in my face once again.

This time, she is cackling with all her might.

"You'll soon be like me." She sneers. Right before my eyes, a dagger appear in her right hand.

        She s it toward my heart, and I’m too slow to even notice what she’s doing. Dull throbbing begins to immerge right at the place where she stabbed me, eventually spreading to all parts of my body. Panic begins to settle in, and an unbearable pain is too excruciating to even describe.

In a few seconds, I’m plummeting down a dark pit.

           My eyes open once again, staring at the ceiling. I take a glimpse at the time. It said: 3:00 AM. Jumping out of my bed, I make a second trip to the kitchen. This time I gulp three down in a matter of seconds. With the bottle clutched in my palm, it’d be a good idea to take the whole bottle of pills to my bed.

There’s a test in a few hours, and I need to sleep at least an hour or so.

I dreamt of nothing, and that’s a relief.

          Everything is strangely white. Something behind me tapped my shoulder. When I turn around, no one was there. Wait. Am I in my subconscious mind right now? But why did I come here? The white room turns pitch-black. I’m suddenly sitting in a movie theater.

         The red curtains unveil and there I saw Jong In and my brother. Both of them looking very worried. Judging from the projection, it looks like Jong In’s carrying me. A vivid image of a bottle of pills scattered all over the floor flashes on the screen. I don't remember anything after that.

         The bright light is blinding my eyes making them squint. Fluttering my eyelids, I look to my right and Jong In lies there; holding my hand with drool escaping his dehydrated mouth. To my left I see my brother sleeping with his mouth open. Jong In slowly wakes up and smiles at me.

"You're awake." He whispers.

          It wasn't long before my brother Suho wakes up. They both call the doctor. The doctor comes in; he tosses quite a weird look at me.

"What happened?" I ask meekly.

"Overdose of sleeping pills and developing anxiety/depression." The doctor said briefly.

I stare at the clock it was 12:00 PM exactly.

"You're lucky Jong In was strong enough to carrying you all the way to this hospital." Suho smirks.

      Suho left the hospital room to ‘leave us alone’ it’s strange. Staring at each other, no words even bothered to come out of our mouths.

"I'm sorry you had to bear my weight." My voice cracks. He smiles,

"You're my girlfriend. Why wouldn't I?" Another dagger stabs my heart.

         Girlfriend, I’m not a real girlfriend to him. His dark circles are enormous. I bet he didn't even have a single hour of sleep once we arrived at this hospital.

“Go sleep." I skim my fingers on his bronze-toned skin. Jong In nods his head and starts to fall asleep.

I hear him say, "I’ll never let you go. I like you, and someday I will definitely love you.”

 It’s a good thing he didn’t see the tears drifting down my face.

*author's note

Emotional trauma poured out here.

Hope it's not too dramatic for you guys

Edited!!

oasisgrounds.