Extract:

"Um,” Shindong interrupted, “does anyone else find this conversation a bit…strange?”

Ryeowook blinked owlishly. “No?”

...

Minho glared at Jaejoong. “I still haven’t forgiven you for leaving me,” he muttered bitterly.

“Oh get over it,” Jaejoong snorted. “I had some very important issues to deal with.” Mentally he smiled - oh, his plan may have seemingly failed, but he was Kim Jaejoong. He always got his way (…okay so maybe Changmin and Yunho hadn’t joined the lawsuit all those years ago, but hey, he had his baby and his boo back in his life, so all was good).

Yunho glanced at him. “What - ?”

“You know - those issues.” Jaejoong winked, and Yunho stared.

“Ugh…” Shaking his head, the leader decided it wasn’t worth pushing for information. “Sure, Jaejoong…”

“But anyway, let’s get on to Minho’s sorry story!” Jaejoong smiled in the younger’s direction.

Minho clenched his jaw. “Could you just - ”

“So, it’s clear that you need a lot of help - a simple meeting with any of the girls in the company won’t do. They hate your guts.”

Minho winced. “Tell me something I don’t already know.”

“Okay then,” Jaejoong replied, missing the sarcasm in the rapper’s voice. “How about this? Without my help, you’re basically hopeless.”

“Um…”

“You see,” Jaejoong continued, “I’m not just the loving umma of DBSK.”

Minho snorted. “You’re technically not even part of DBSK anymore.”

“ you.”

Minho stared.

“I am the loving band-umma of Junsu, Yoochun and Changmin,” Jaejoong gritted out. His eyes narrowed slightly at the mention of Changmin’s name; Minho let out a series of splutters.

“I’m not going after Changmin!” he snapped. “For God’s sake, I thought you believed me now!”

“…I’ll always have my doubts, Minho,” Jaejoong muttered. “You’ll understand someday when you have kids.”

Minho gaped at him, and, not for the first time, wondered how the hell someone like Jaejoong even existed. “Of for ’s sake, you aren’t Changmin’s - ” The sight of Yunho’s slow, solemn head-shake stopped him in his tracks. Oh, Minho understood; there was no point arguing with a lunatic. Especially since he needed help from said lunatic.

“Help me then,” he sighed. “What should I do to get people to like me?”

Jaejoong shrugged. “Well, it’s simple really.”

Minho doubted this.

“You see,” Jaejoong continued, “girls love me.”

…Exactly how much time had passed? Minho risked a glance at the clock, and bit back a groan.

“Hyung, don’t you have any work?” he inquired.

Jaejoong narrowed his eyes. “Minho, we’re trying to help you here,” he bit out.

“Yes, but I have work to do!” Minho retorted. “I have a photoshoot to get to soon -”

“This won’t take long,” Jaejoong replied, cutting him off. “Back to the point - girls love me. Guys too. So why don’t we try to make you look like me?” Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at him, and then let out a wide beam, nodding his head decisively. “That’d work, right?”

“…Are you joking?” Oh sweet lord, what was Minho doing with his life? Maybe he should just give up, and crawl into a dark hole, and let all his sorrows loose. Maybe this was why SM had such a sigh law-suit rate. Perhaps people were engulfed by madness, and then forced to leave when their minds simply couldn’t handle the growing insanity…

Jaejoong scowled. “No, why?”

“…You want to make me look like you?”

Jaejoong nodded firmly. “Yes.”

“Hey Jaejoong, why don’t we try something different?” Yunho suggested. “I think I might actually have a pretty good idea.”

Well, Minho thought, that had to be a good thing, right? Yunho wasn’t squeaky clean when it came to sanity, but he was better than Jaejoong by a long shot. Minho stared at the elder, hope rising in his chest. Was it possible that he could receive some useful help?

“Well, Jaejoong offered to help you after he hospitalised you, right?”

…On second thought, Minho didn’t think he liked the glint in Yunho’s eyes, or the excited grin stretched across the leader’s face. And he definitely didn’t like the way Jaejoong was staring at the leader with adoring eyes; anything Jaejoong approved of had to be bad.

“What if,” Yunho continued eagerly, “the girl of your choice just happened to run you over with her car?”

No, no, no, Yunho was not the sane one! It was all a goddamn ploy, and he was just as bad as Jaejoong, and, oh god, Minho needed to leave the goddamn country before they all had him killed -

“You realise that, if anyone knows you’re helping him, you’ll all be screwed, right?”

Minho jumped at the sound of Changmin’s voice.

“Hey Changmin!” Jaejoong said, beaming widely. “Pull up a chair and help us brainstorm!”

“No thanks, I’d like to keep my manhood,” Changmin replied, before waving at Minho cheerily.

Minho glared at him. “You are the worst best friend ever.”

Changmin rolled his eyes. “Nah, Kyu’s worse.”

“…True, true.”

“By the way Minnie,” Jaejoong cut in, “you know I’m sorry about the baseball bat incident, right?”

Changmin’s eyes widened in alarm, and he took a step backwards. Minho heard a hurried cry of, “yeah I know!”, before the maknae disappeared around the corner in swift, hurried movements.

Minho stared at Jaejoong. “The baseball bat incident…?”

“Never mind!” Jaejoong let out a strained laugh. “What were you saying Yunho?”

Yunho nodded. “Yes - ”

“No.”

Yunho frowned at Minho. “What?”

“I’m not letting them run me over with their car,” the younger informed him, his tone firm. “Let me tell you, they’d feel no guilt.”

Jaejoong frowned. “I think it’s a pretty good idea.”

“No!” Minho snapped. “God, if it’s such a good idea, why don’t you do it?!”

“Because no one hates me!” Jaejoong shot back heatedly.

‘Oh , why do you have to be right?’ Minho thought, his shoulders slumping in misery.

…Still didn’t mean he was letting anyone run him over with a car though. For all he knew, this was just Yunho’s subtle way of extracting him from his precious maknae’s life.

…

“Hey Kyu,” Sungmin said, as the van hit another speed bump. “You look kind of mad - are you feeling alright?”

Kyuhyun, deciding that the words, ‘Jaejoong tried to bludgeon me with a baseball bat yesterday’, wouldn’t be the best for his image (or for Leeteuk's blood pressure), shrugged his shoulders in response.

“I’m fine,” he said. “Besides, I’m not the only one who looks mad. Have you not seen Leeteuk-hyung and Kangin-hyung?”

The men in question were currently preoccupied, with Leeteuk glaring out the window, and Kangin glaring at Leeteuk.

Siwon let out a loud sigh, staring mournfully at the elders. “I don’t understand how things went so wrong,” he murmured softly.

“I understand,” Eunhyuk interjected. He shot Kyuhyun a reproachful glance. “All it takes is one bad apple…”

“Or one bad anchovy,” Kyuhyun shot back, his gaze equally as heated.

Donghae sniffed. “What happened to us?! We’re falling apart!” His eyes widened in an almost comical fashion. “We were once a loving family, and now -”

Heechul turned around from the passenger seat, a smirk plastered across his lips. “Now umma and appa might be divorcing and flying the coup, leaving the babies in the care of dear Uncle Heechul.”

Donghae gulped in terror, and Kyuhyun resisted the urge to bang his head on the wall.

“You aren’t getting divorced, are you?” Donghae demanded, his voice shaking.

Kangin’s jaw clenched. “You do realise that Leeteuk and I aren’t married, right?”

Leeteuk nodded in response to Donghae’s question. “Yes.”

Kangin gaped at him. “Oh for gods - fine then! You can have ALL of them!”

Heechul, all too eager to stir the pot, interjected, “or Uncle Heechul could - ”

“Um,” Shindong interrupted, “does anyone else find this conversation a bit…strange?”

Ryeowook blinked owlishly. “No?”

Kyuhyun sighed loudly, and then reached over, yanking Siwon’s earphones out of his ears. “Mine,” he growled.

“Hey!” Siwon protested.

“You can listen to them arguing,” the maknae snapped, fiddling with the earbuds. “Your’e the most religious out of all of us, so you can pray, and hope that gets you through it.” Kyuhyun’s face creased into a frown as he heard the music blaring through the small device. “You’re still listening to YG artists?”

Glancing down, Kyuhyun’s eyebrows raised as he caught sight of the name of the playlist: “My Sanctuary of Sanity”  (which basically consisted of every YG artist in existence - yes, Choi Siwon had become a rebel).

“SM…everyone’s crazy around here,” Siwon murmured, shuddering lightly.

“Okay, Donghae, what the are you doing?!” Kangin’s enraged voice interrupted any ongoing discussion.

“Calling Jaejoong-hyung!” Donghae replied. “He and Yunho-hyung saved their relationship, even after all these years! You and Teukie-hyung - ”

“Okay, that’s IT!” Kangin roared. “STOP THE ING CAR OR I AM JUMPING OUT!”

...

AN:

Hey my wonderful readers! Sorry this took so long to update! Really hope you enjoy this chapter, and that it was worth the wait. There'll will be more of Kyuhyun and Changmin's evil *cough cough* antics in the next chapter! And we'll also get to find out if Jaejoong's attempts at bribing Lee Soo Man paid off after all.

Tell me what you think guys :D And thank you for sticking with the story so far! Anyone have any predictions for what might happen? :D