Excerpt:

“MOTHER OF GOD CHANGMIN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” Kyuhyun wailed, as the baseball bat was lifted higher.

...

By now, Minho was fairly well accustomed to the sight of doors slamming in his face.

Didn’t make it sting any less.

He let out a loud sigh of frustration, and his foot lashed out, slamming against the wooden structure. He yelped a moment later, clutching his foot in agony.

‘Note to self: kicking doors is ING painful.’

Minho decided to settle for glaring viciously at the offending object (something he quickly replaced with a pleasant expression when he realised that Hyoyeon - his latest conquest, and yes, he had targeted SNSD way to much, and he should probably stop before they killed him - was staring at him from behind the curtains). He turned around and hurried down the path, cursing softly under his breath.

His mind travelled back to Jaejoong’s offer the previous night, and he hesitated for a brief moment. He then thought, ‘what the - why not?’ After all, either way, people despised him. Maybe having an ally in this wouldn’t be too bad (even if it was that psychopath Jaejoong).

He pulled out his phone, selected Jaejoong’s number (said psycho had given it to him after dropping him home at his dorm the previous night), and waited apprehensively for someone to respond.

“Hello?”

“Jaejoong-hyung? Yes.”

“…Uh…?”

Minho sighed loudly. “You said you’d help me,” he reminded the elder. “I need help - now. Please.”

“Oh sure!” Jaejoong, having seemingly remembered his promise, let out a cheery exclamation. “Just give me a moment, I’m kind of busy - I’m baking a pie, you know.”

“Okay great,” Minho nodded distractedly, “but you’ll help me? Now?”

“Yes, yes,” Jaejoong responded. “Just let me finish my pie first! It’s very important - very important.”

“…Okay?” Well, Jaejoong was strange, so maybe Minho shouldn’t think twice about this odd behaviour.

“You don’t need to worry about the pie - leave that to me.”

Minho wasn’t worrying about the pie, but he decided not to say this to the other male. After all, he needed him on his side.

“I’ll meet you at the f(x) dorms in about an hour,” Jaejoong continued, sounding wholly optimistic as he said these words (Minho, on the other had, cringed at the mention of ‘f(x)’). “I’ll talk to Krystal for you and see what I can do. You like Krystal, don’t you?”

“Jaejoong, at this point, I’d take your grandmother.”

There was a brief pause.

“…That was a joke,” Minho muttered, reminding himself not to insult his only hope for salvation (his only hope was Jaejoong - Jesus, that was a scary thought).

“Yeah, yeah…” Jaejoong coughed. “Anyway, I’ll get back to this pie - ”

“Hold on!” Minho interrupted. “Are you sure Krystal won’t find it weird that you suddenly show up after years of…well, law-suit related absence?”

“Nah,” Jaejoong replied offhandedly. “She called me herself a few days ago, asking me to forbid you from entering our dorm.”

Minho swallowed.

“Goodbye!” Jaejoong said cheerily, and then hung up the phone.

…

Kyuhyun and Changmin, deciding that Super Junior were the source of all their pains, chose to target DBSK next. More specifically, they chose to target Junsu.

…Probably not the best idea all things considered, but they were pretty affected by all the failure, so you couldn’t blame the poor decision solely on them.

“So we’ll sprinkle this powder on Junsu’s face, and leave a bag of it by his feet,” Changmin eagerly exclaimed. “Jaejoong-hyung will see it and think that Junsu is doing drugs! It’ll be hilarious!” He grinned widely. “Don’t you think it’ll be hilarious Kyu?!”

Kyuhyun blinked. “Sure,” he agreed, “hilarious. Unless, you know, someone finds out, in which case…Junsu’s career will be over.” He stared at Changmin, waiting for the smile to fade - it didn’t. “…This isn’t some sort of weird form of revenge against JYJ, is it?”

“No! Of course not!” Changmin said, looking momentarily affronted, before the grin reappeared on his face. “Although, maybe it’ll get Jaejoong-hyung off my back - oh yes! He’ll be so worried about the coke addict that he’ll have no time to torment my life!”

He laughed loudly, and Kyuhyun decided that it didn’t matter how much Changmin protested - he was just as ed as he was.

“You have no right to judge me,” Changmin told him, seeing the expression on his friend’s face. “Everyone in your band thinks we’re mentally unstable thanks to your plan!”

Kyuhyun snorted. “Whatever,” he muttered. “Let’s just do this.”

The two unlocked the door to the DBSK dorm and tiptoed inside, trying to be as quiet as possible. It wouldn’t be good to be seen this early, what with their reputations as evil-devil-incarnates, and Jaejoong’s remaining suspicions about Changmin and drugs (no matter how much the maknae had protested, Jaejoong still couldn’t get over his initial theory). Thus, if they wanted to pull this off, they had to be quiet.

They snuck past the kitchen. Kyuhyun froze when he saw Jaejoong inside, but Changmin simply rolled his eyes and pulled him forward by the arm.

“He won’t notice,” he told Kyuhyun. “He’s been working on that goddamn pie the whole day. I have no idea what the is so important about it. He nearly took of Yoochun-hyung’s head - I mean literally, with a kitchen knife - when he tried to taste some of the filling.”

“Maybe we should throw it in the trash!” Kyuhyun exclaimed, as they reached Junsu’s bedroom door.

“…Kyuhyun, I’m desperate, but I’m not suicidal.”

The two walked inside, and Changmin nodded in satisfaction when he caught sight of Junsu, napping on the bed.

“As usual, hyung is having his afternoon nap,” he told Kyuhyun. “It’s the perfect time to destroy him, don’t you think? Trust me, I have experience with this.”

Kyuhyun rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket. When he pulled away, a small bag of powder was grasped in his hand.

“Looks pretty legitimate,” he said, peering at it in satisfaction. “No one would have a clue that this was baby powder. Hey Changmin, reckon we should have a shot at being drug dealers?”

Changmin snorted. “Please, you’d wet your pants in fear.”

Kyuhyun gave Changmin the one-finger salute, before tossing the bag at him. “You do it,” he told the younger. “There’s no way in hell that I’m getting that close to Junsu-hyung’s face.”

Changmin walked over and paused in front of Junsu’s sleeping form. He frowned and peered at the bag. How the hell was he supposed to get the stuff on? Maybe he should have brought a funnel…

Sighing, he opened the bag, removed a small sample of the baby powder, and leaned in close. Changmin realised that if Jaejoong burst in at this moment, he’d probably think Junsu was being molested.

Then Junsu screamed, and, as Changmin stumbled back in shock, he couldn’t help but think - more than a little hysterically - that Junsu had read his mind.

Then he realised he was being an insane idiot, just as he crashed into Kyuhyun, and tumbled onto the ground.

“HYUNG!” Junsu wailed, his eyes screwed shut, “SOMEONE’S IN MY ROOM!”

“Mothering - open your eyes!” Kyuhyun cursed.

“Move, your knee is wedged up my arse!” Changmin groaned. Then the door burst open, and Changmin decided that maybe it was a good thing that Kyuhyun had his knee in that position. If not, he was sure he would have wet his pants at the sight of an enraged Kim Jaejoong, wielding a baseball bat, and screaming bloody murder.

“Junsu!” howled the band-umma, “it’s okay, I’ll protect you!”

Kyuhyun’s arms wrapped around Changmin, and Changmin repeated this action. The two squeezed their eyes shut, and let out simultaneous shrieks.

“MOTHER OF GOD CHANGMIN, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!” Kyuhyun wailed, as the baseball bat was lifted higher.

…

“…I really am sorry,” Jaejoong coughed, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “I thought someone had broken in! I mean, when Junsu screamed like that, what was I supposed to think?! And what were you even doing in here?!”

“Changmin had a nightmare,” Kyuhyun told Jaejoong, trying to look innocent, sweet and convincing (basically everything he was not). “He thought Junsu had gone away again, so he wanted to check.”

Changmin supposed Kyuhyun’s acting wasn’t too terrible considering the fact that they’d nearly been bludgeoned to death, but it was still fairly nauseating to watch.

“Oh my god!” Well…Jaejoong didn’t seem to think so, if is sparkling eyes, and tightly clasped hands were anything to go by. “That…that’s so sad! But, at the same time, so damn adorable!”

“Hyung, they're lying!” Junsu whimpered.

“Junsu!” Jaejoong reprimanded, “direct your adorable powers elsewhere - Changmin would never lie.”

“Delusional fool,” Kyuhyun hissed in Changmin’s ear. Changmin’s eye twitched.

Jaejoong frowned slightly, a thoughtful expression crossing his face. “You know,” he mused, “I feel like I’m forgetting something…”

…

Jaejoong had forgotten about him.

Somehow Minho couldn’t even bring himself to be surprised - and he was even less surprised when Krystal walked down the driveway (having seen him from outside her window), bluntly told him that she would never in a million years go out with him, and then walked back, and then slammed the door. Loudly.

“…I didn’t even get to ask,” he whispered.

Oh yeah, Jaejoong was going to get it. He hadn’t even wanted to ask Krystal. Frankly, the girl terrified him. Why couldn’t he have asked someone nice like…like…

…Dammit, was it horrible that he couldn’t think of anyone nice enough to go out with him? Yes, he was going to die a poor old , and all because of that stupid game of truth or dare.

He punched Jaejoong’s name into his phone, and waited impatiently for the elder to pick up.

“Hyung, what the hell?!” he spat, before Jaejoong even had a chance to answer “You said you’d meet me here!”

“…Oh yeah.” Jaejoong let out an awkward laugh. “Sorry about that Minho…something came up.”

“What?!” Minho snapped. “What came up?!”

“I thought my baby was being attacked!” Jaejoong replied heatedly.

At those words, Minho’s words widened in alarm. “Changmin was attacked?!” he asked, concerned. After all, as annoying as that guy was, he was still one of his best friends. Plus, he was one of the few people that knew he wasn’t a crazed man- - he needed as many of those as he could find.

“Wha - no!” Jaejoong sounded horrified. “How could you say something like that?!”

“I didn’t - YOU did!” Minho breathed heavily, wondering what the hell had possessed him to ask this psychopath for help.

“No, no, I meant Junsu!” Jaejoong replied, calmer now that he knew Minho wasn’t off plotting Changmin’s doom, or something similar (who knew how his mind worked). “He’s fine though - Changmin just had a nightmare. It’s so sad really - wait…” There was a heavy intake of breath. “Why the hell was Kyuhyun present while Changmin was sleeping?! …Oh dear god!”

“Wha - Jaejoong!” Minho yelled.

“Minho, goodbye, I have a phone call to make,” Jaejoong said hurriedly, before hanging up the phone.

…

“ - AND FOR THE LAST TIME, NO, I AM NOT DATING KYUHYUN! I WOULDN’T DATE THAT MAN IF HE WAS THE LAST LIVING PERSON ON THIS PLANET. THE ONLY PERSON I’D BE LESS LIKELY TO DATE IS YOU!”

“…Oh. Alright then.”

The call ended.

Jaejoong frowned down at the device in his hand. He decided he’d speak to Yunho later - Changmin had gotten some serious anger management issues in the years he had been away. What had happened to the adorable little angel he’d known before the lawsuit (the answer - he’d never existed. Not that Jaejoong would ever realise that).

Jaejoong sighed and tucked it in his pocket, and then stared at the building in front of him. SM Entertainment’s main headquarters - the place where he would find Lee Soo Man’s personal office,

‘That’s right you pain in the arse,’ Jaejoong said, as he smiled at the startled security guard. ‘You think you can kick me out when my baby needs me? I’ll show you - the power of Kim Jaejoong can NEVER be forgotten!’

…

All those stares should have made him uncomfortable, but really, Jaejoong was basking in the attention (not that he’d ever admit to being an attention-).

“Uh - Jaejoong?” choked someone from behind him. He turned around - BoA. He shot her a smile, amused to see the shock in her eyes.

“Hey!” he greeted, waving enthusiastically (god, this was so much fun…). “Nice to see you again!”

“…What are you doing here?!”

“Hey what - oh Jesus, JAEJOONG?!” Hmm - Kangta. Yes, it had been a while since he’d seen him too. Jaejoong gave him a small wave, and the elder blinked in shock.

“You guys look like you’ve seen a ghost,” he laughed.

“…Or, you know, a guy who filed a lawsuit against SM, and vowed - quite dramatically I might add - that you would never come back,” Kangta muttered.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Jaejoong responded, shrugging. “Now move, I need to see Lee Soo Man.”

“Why though?” BoA questioned, her tone nothing short of bewildered.

Jaejoong smiled broadly. “I baked him a pie.”

He then proceeded to walk past the gaping idols.

“…This is a sign of the end of the world, right?” Kangta whispered.

…

“Hello there, my former boss,” Jaejoong greeted, with almost disturbing cheer, as he burst through the doors of Lee Soo Man’s office.

“Mother of - Jaejoong?!” Lee Soo Man gaped at him. “What the hell are you doing here?! You realise you can’t just waltz inside, right?”

Jaejoong shrugged, evidently unbothered. “No one tried to stop me,” he responded. “I don’t think anyone thought I was real.” He plonked himself down on the chair in front of his ex-box, and gave him the most pleasant smile he could muster (it seemed to spasm a lot but, oh well, he’d given it a shot).

Lee Soo Man glared at him. Clearly he wasn’t in any mood to make an effort.

“I’m not going to talk to you, Jaejoong,” he snapped. “Go home - to your own home.”

“Fine, I will,” Jaejoong replied. “But first - ” He opened the container he’d been carrying, and pulled out a knife.

Lee Soo Man’s eyes widened in alarm, and he jumped to his feet. “Mother of God!” he yelled hysterically. “What the hell are you - there are security cameras - ”

Jaejoong cut Lee Soo Man a piece of the pie he’d brought with him, smiling all the while. He seemed unbothered by the outburst. “Have some pie,” he said pleasantly.

“…Huh?”

“Pie - have some.” Jaejoong nodded to the container. “I made it myself.”

He placed the slice on a small plate, and slid it in front of the elder. Lee Soo Man stared down at the slice, uncomprehending. “…Pie,” he muttered at last.

Jaejoong nodded. “Yes.”

“…You want me to eat pie.”

“Yes.” Jaejoong pushed the plate a little closer. “And then, who knows, you might change your mind.”

Lee Soo Man glared at him. His chest heaved; evidently, he was still affected by the knife scare. “Jaejoong, I am not letting you bribe me with goddamn pie,” he growled.

“Eat,” Jaejoong replied. “Then we will talk.”

“Oh for gods - how did I know you didn’t poison this?!” Lee Soo Man stared at the offending object, as if it would come to life and attack him.

Jaejoong sighed. “I won’t kill you when half of SM is gathered outside of this door.” He nodded towards it, and immediately, the sound of frantic whispers halted.

There was a brief pause.

“Fine,” Lee Soo Man sighed at last. “I’ll have a bite, alright? And then, you will leave.” With a final glare in Jaejoong’s direction, he picked up his fork, scooped up some of the pie, and popped the piece into his mouth. His mouth opened, he bit into it…

…and then he was in heaven.

…

“ - so you’re saying that, if I allow you, Yoochun and Junsu to live with Yunho and Changmin, you’ll bake me pie once a week?”

Jaejoong nodded. “Yes.”

Lee Soo Man sighed (slightly more hesitantly than before). “Jaejoong, that’s not - ”

Jaejoong smiled innocently. “Another slice sir?”

Lee Soo Man scowled, glancing away. “…Yes.”

Jaejoong’s lips curved into a smirk.

“You make a damn good pie, I’ll admit that much,” Lee Soo Man told him grudgingly. “But that doesn’t mean anything. I won’t change my mind.”

Jaejoong shrugged. “I forgot sir - I brought some whipped cream. Would you like some?” Again, he smiled innocently.

Lee Soo Man swallowed, his gaze firmly on the table. “Yes - but Jaejoong, the answer is still - ”

“Cherries?”

He breathed heavily, his fists clenched. “No - I mean, yes to the cherries, but no to you staying with - ”

“Chocolate sauce?”

Oh sweet lord, why was this so hard? This shouldn’t have been so hard! Lee Soo Man shook his head firmly. “Jaejoong, please leave,” he choked out.

“No really, I think you’d like some,” Jaejoong insisted, waving the pie tantalisingly in front of him.

Lee Soo Man refused to glance up, hoping to hide the fervent longing in his eyes. “Jaejoong - go. Now.” His voice left no room for argument (…at least that’s what he liked to believe).

“Fine,” Jaejoong sighed, his shoulders slumping. “It was worth a shot I guess.” He picked up the plate of pie, and dumped it back into the container. Lee Soo Man’s eyes shot up, and he reached forward hurriedly.

“Wait!” he cried. “Leave the pie!”

Jaejoong shot him a glare, and then marched out, pie in hand. Lee Soo Man stared after it, a look of misery in his eyes.

…

AN:

Well then, yet another random-arse chapter xD Hopefully you guys are enjoying this. Tell me what you think! Also, what’s the direction that YOU think this story will go? What will happen - will Changmin and Kyuhyun ever go back to being the evil maknaes? Will Minho ever get a date? Will Jaejoong win over Lee Soo Man, or will be be kicked to the curb?

Also, I recently started a new fic called "Behind the Scenes", which is a comedy fic about DBSK coming back together as a 5 member band. If you haven't seen it yet you might like to check it out - I'm pretty sure I've written about 3 or 4 chapters so far.